It's been an emotional day.
I'm worn.
I want to believe that this year and all the loss and changes haven't beaten me. Some days I believe it. Most... I just put on a smile and pretend.
The 2:30 am wake up call from work did not help matters. On top of being emotional, my sleep got interrupted. Luckily, sweet Hubs knows that building inside and out and was able to help me deal with it. I also realized for the first time in over a decade I'm in a building that I don't know.
It's unsettling.
I wasn't looking forward to taking Dad flowers. I'm used to calling him on Veteran's day. I'm used to calling and chatting, asking where he was going to go and get his free meals. I hope they are serving something special in Heaven. As I knelt before that cold stone, my head resting on top, tears running down my face. I felt all the pain wash over me again. I doubt it will ever get easier. Hours later, I want to go back and sit there. I want to feel the imaginary hug that felt so real as I knelt there.
Hubs was talking to another man. So much older than my Daddy even got to be. He was sitting a few rows over, on a small folding chair. He was wrapped in grief, his tears flowing freely and his shoulder shaking in that deep sorrow that you never fully understand until it comes into your life. I am not sure who he was crying for, I saw a woman's name on the cross as I walked past, quickly needing to not absorb his pain.
Trying to deal with my own. The coldness of the day, matched the wall I keep putting up of my own. I took a picture of my sweet Hubs kneeling beside that cold cross. A picture of my two veteran's. I love it, no... I hate it!! I wanted the picture to be like the one I love so much of the two of them sitting out front smoking their contraband (even though no one liked them doing it) laughing and telling jokes. I can still hear Daddy's broken words telling Hubs "you full of shit". He struggled with many words... that was not one of them.
After leaving Dad and the grieving man behind, we headed across the river to pay respects to Hubs brother. He served his country so honorably. He served in 5 major battles in WWII, he served his country and the expense of himself. Hubs says that he never spoke of it. The horror and pain simply too much.
A gloomy cold afternoon spent celebrating my own vet, eased my heart, but not enough. I feel as though the wall that I keep building to block out the pain is getting higher and colder. I am trying to tear it down. I'm not sure I'm doing very well at it. I am struggling to be open to other's pain. To their grief, I feel like I don't have the ability to bring anymore into my own heart.
I'm drowning in it this year.
We spent the evening inside. It's cold and dreary. Losing ourselves in the Smithsonian channel. Watching history unfold, showing us things that we have lost over time. Things forgotten, parts of the past that were not pretty, right, or even human wrapped up in some of the brightest moments of our country. I'm finding it to be engrossing and distracting. It's giving me things to think about that are more reflective than something needing my reaction.
As it played on tonight my fingers stitched on my project. I am pouring as much love into it as I can. Each stitch is revealing the beauty of the design. I hope I can complete it in time.
There are many more veteran's in my life. People that are deeply important and a part of my everyday world and people that simply dance in and out. I am so thankful for what each has given. I am also thankful for the recognition that seems to be spreading like wildfire. Sweet Hubs is from that era of Vietnam that wasn't thanked - ever. They were blamed for something they had no control in. Yet to hear so many people, old and more importantly young, reaching out their hands and saying thank you for your service. It makes my heart soar! Veteran's have all signed a blank check, to the American people, knowing full well it could be payable with their very lives.
Yet they did it anyway. They deserve our love, respect and gratitude. Even if the war was unpopular, they have done what their country asked. They have all served as the first line of defense in protecting the freedoms we hold dear. If you don't think that is powerful, spend an hour or so at a National Military Cemetery. I come from a line that has served this country since it's inception. I am thankful for them all... I am proud of all of my veteran's and thank them for their service.
p.s. don't forget to thank them while they are still here if you can. That cold, hard stone was so painful...
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