Monday, May 25, 2015

flashbacks....

The smells of fresh baked cookies are seeping throughout my slightly warm house.  There are two kinds.  The hubs has requested chocolate chipless and the kids are getting chocolate chip.  Is it too warm to have the oven on?

Of course it is.

Do I care?

Not really.

It's been a crazy busy weekend.  One that I simply stopped participating in yesterday. I was bone weary exhausted and simply couldn't take anymore.  I've been cutting out things, conserving energy.  As the temp rises I always get a bit more tired out than I feel I should be.  Then I remember (like I could ever forget)... May is the anniversary month.  18 years ago a teeny tiny little bug felt it needed a bit of my blood, it wanted to be fair I guess so it left me with a nice dose of Lyme in exchange.

It's something I choose not to allow to control my life and I get a bit cranky when it tries.  Today standing in the kitchen, putting a loaf of rustic bread out to proof for dinner tonight with my girl and her family, I suddenly had a flashback.  I don't have those often, my memory is a bit like a large chunk of Swiss cheese, full of wholes and flimsy connections.   So to have a flashback is slightly odd.

Suddenly, as clear as day, I remembered the Memorial Day holiday in 2002.  Another odd occurrence, as that was the start of one of the most stressful periods of my life.  When God brought me all the way to my knees (literally and figuratively), to raise me up high.  I can rarely remember anything from that year.

But there is was.  I could smell the apple pie baking, as I was cleaning up my empty kitchen.  We were in the process of moving, all of my belongings had already shipped.  The base was having an apple pie contest in the midst of the holiday fest. Not sure why?  Apples aren't in season in May, and it's hot.  Maybe because it's equated with home, and we were all far from home.

My ex had "made me" make the pie, okay in all fairness no one can make anyone do something they don't want to.  So on some level despite having to borrow equipment and buy all the supplies I must have wanted to please him.  I am a people pleaser and even when it doesn't make me happy, I will still do things like that.

One thing I am not, is comfortable with praise or accolades, so distraught is probably an accurate phrase as I won a prize for my simple little begrudgingly made pie.  It was a hand made little plaque, and I probably still have it tucked away in a memory box.

What brought the memory back, I have no idea, it's already fading back into haze.   Now I can smell cookies, mixed with the soft early summer smells left lingering from all the recent rains. It's warm in the house, the air needs worked on and I haven't had time to deal with it.  Maybe that caused the flashback to Germany.  No air there either.


Today's baking was of joy, I was rested, I've had a minute to clean the house and to put my feet up.  I've had time to read a book, nap in the breeze, paint my nails, cook real food for hubs and I, laughed with family, celebrated successes and missed my youngest.  He's too far away.


In less than an hour I will head to my eldest's house.  We will laugh, chat, enjoy an amazing dinner together. My contribution will be cookies and a humble loaf of rustic bread. Both made in my kitchen, with love. Maybe we will toast life with a nice wine, or an ice water.  It will be full of grand baby hugs, laughter and all the bits and pieces of a life lived well.  Hubby will hobble a bit, but not as much as he's been, and he will join in the love and laughter too.  It's been a long rough road, but it's got so many wonderful pit stops on the way, how can you notice the pot holes?