where did August go??

How is it even possible that I have been home for almost three weeks?  I am fairly certain that the entire month of August just slipped away into nothingness.  One moment I was planning my vacation, the next... well lets just say it's been a wild and busy ride. 

Somehow I turned 61, I flew back home, spent time with loved ones, talked to the wee hours, laughed about the strangest things.  Explored a lake filled with giant carp and the ducks and geese that walk on their backs, spent hours tasting chocolate - Pennsylvania you are amazing! Visited all the surrounding communities, the Amish shops, End of the Commons. All the little towns from my childhood zipped past as we explored.  

It was like looking at a kaleidoscope and turning it faster and faster trying to make it all line up. 

One day was wide open in the morning so my uncle took me to Cleveland to explore the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  We were the only two without plans that day.  

I had so much fun learning to ride a 4 wheeler and exploring my aunt and uncle's farm. Without a moments hesitancy I could move up to the small area they live in.  My soul felt pure peace out there.  The beauty, the calmness - yup I was definitely day dreaming a lot.  I loved feeding the cats, staring at the cows (definitely reminded me of living in Washington and taking care of the cows), the ducks and chicken... Yeah, I could so have loved that kind of life.  

I spent hours visiting my other uncle at the VA, I was blessed to have some incredible conversations and alone time with him.  My aunt let me know that he had been wanting a new quilt.  So I asked him what he'd like.  He definitely had some great ideas and I was excited to get home and start on it. The Erie VA is incredible!  I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but it definitely wasn't what I found.  I'm still exploring the change that it created in my spirit, the people were so kind, so loving and attentive.  I worked in a senior center a long, long time ago.  It scarred me.  Deeply.  This experience was healing.  Being a veteran caused damage that will never be repaired, but the respect, care and dignity given to him and the rest of the veteran's living there was beautiful.  It gave me hope. 

I spent time bumming around Edinboro and surrounding areas with my cousin on our cousins day!  We are significantly apart in years... I mean she was less than 5 when I got married the first time and she was at my wedding.  But we are so much alike in many, many ways. Getting to know her as an adult was great!  We explored all kinds of shops - hippie, chocolate, community markets - with only local goods (OMGEEEE!).  I might have teased her for putting our day together via AI - but dang, AI did a great job planning it out.  Which is downright scary. 

I saw family that I barely remembered.  I visited places that sparked incredible memories.  Dusty and vague now, but incredible just the same.  My aunt and uncle took me to the peninsula, past places that actually seemed smaller in my memories, Ashtabula, Conneaut, Edinboro, Mesopotamia, Albion, and of course Erie.  We spent time walking through so many neat shops, farmers stands, Amish markets, Amish furniture stores that made Walmart look tiny.  

I finally got to meet some folks that were literally just names to me.  Parts of my family, but ones I wasn't sure I'd ever met.  Now that I have, what a great group of people to be connected to.  Being a military brat, your roots are sometimes splintered and vague - names and memories that are there only because of the verbal stories.  

Most importantly we spent time together.  There is never enough time and those days flew past in a blur.  I came home with more chocolate than any human needs - thankfully it wasn't all for me, a ton of recipes and pictures.  But mostly a full heart.  Overflowing with love and joy from spending time with the people that helped shape who I am, that continue to do so.  I had a blast laughing with mom, watching her meld back into her family as if she'd never been away.  The trip was far too short for all the reconnecting. 

And to think I almost didn't go.  Straight up to the morning we left I almost cancelled. 

On my birthday, as we came home from voting we decided to stop for a coffee, Hubs had a few minutes to spare before he headed off to work. Needless to say, we should have skipped it. Leaving the parking lot an older gentleman thought he should try driving on the wrong side of the road.  We weren't in danger, but Hubs was looking down as I stopped the car to avoid being hit. He looked up in time to see the car almost hitting us and flinched.  HARD!  He brought his shoulder up in an abrupt manner that caused him severe pain.  To the point that he jumped out of the car holding his arm.  

We spent the majority of the day at the Emergency room.  Without answers, other than, referral to orthopedic, a sling, lots of pain meds and no work until they could figure it out.  He is still working on healing, over a month later.  We have answers now, sort of.  Tomorrow we finally will meet the surgeon and schedule surgery.  He has complete tears to 3 of 4 of the tendons in his rotator cuff, and to quote the doctor the 4th one is really pissed off. 

It was so bad that he didn't even get to celebrate my birthday, he stayed home sleeping while my girls and I went out.  We painted pottery and ate even more chocolate - yep that was definitely the theme for August - lots of chocolate. But we did bring him home some. 

Less than a week before we were supposed to leave it felt like the wheels were definitely coming off the bus. Not to mention the usual chaos of getting ready for a trip.  I had to also plan meals etc for a Hubs that couldn't use his dominate arm and whose left arm isn't strong due to an injury decades ago. Yikes!  My stress was way out of control. Mentally, I think I shut down anything that wasn't needed to actually function and pull off the trip. 

I spent that short bit of time arguing with myself about the wisdom of my trip, the timing, the necessity of staying home and caring for Hubs and the pups.  Hating myself for feeling so selfish, because I had been looking forward to it and really wanted to go.

I'd finally decided I was going to go, I'd just be a stressed out wreck the entire time.  I wanted to take the trip with mom, I knew in my heart they would be okay, even if my mind was creating tons of worst case scenarios. Knowing if I absolutely had to I could rent a car and be home within 10 hours. 

I dealt with the stress in the only normal way a woman should and chopped 10 inches of hair clean off!

I packed the night before, yeah, I'm organized like that.  It was hot, I didn't sleep great.  I was anxious about flying, not a fan.  I was a bit stressed about the situations I was leaving behind, but still okay.  

I got up, made coffee, quietly moving through my final preparations to leave in a few short hours.  Beau and Belle came down, bouncing and excited, I was getting ready to run to the bank to grab a bit more cash, so I decided to take them with me.  I figured they would love a short walk in the beautiful sunshine, I knew Hubs would not be able to take them while I was gone. 

Sitting in the drive up lane, I heard him making weird noises behind me, it looked like he'd thrown up, I was a bit stunned.  So I pulled over to walk them on the sidewalk and let him get fresh air.  Nope, he hadn't thrown up.  He was having breakthrough seizures.  Focal/facial thankfully not grand mal. 

I finally managed to get him back in the car, get them home and call the emergency vet.  VEG is incredible and so very, very helpful.  They talked me through giving him extra kepra, I talked to both my daughter and best friend, I arranged back up on back up for Hubs.  If Beau had needed the vet there was no way he was getting him there. I was absolutely terrified.  

Two hours until leaving, my boy had 5 seizures.  The extra kepra worked. It stopped them, it calmed him.  I was an absolute nervous wreak, but I got on the plane. I had back ups for Beau, back ups to take care of Hubs appointments.  I was simply going to have to deal with it all from PA. 

I still question the wisdom of getting on the plane, although everyone survived and the world didn't stop.  Hmmm.... oldest daughter anxiety was strong that week! 

Coming home, I stepped back into all the things I had left sitting as I traveled.  Adding to it I have been adjusting to my daily routine changing while Hubs is at home and healing. I am definitely a creature of habit and it threw my entire schedule out the window, my core was struggling for a bit. 

House is caught up, gardens and yard took a few more days - ugghhh it was freaking hot, I spent a few days regrouping and simply crocheting and knitting (I was working on my birthday sweater from Hubs and it provided me with an anchor - something I need during changes), taking Hubs to an assortment of appointments and navigating our new normal for this season. 

After I got myself organized, I ordered all the supplies to make my uncle his quilt, as soon as it arrived I got busy.  I am beyond pleased with it, he has an amazing sense of color, whether he knew it or not.  Everything worked together and within a week it was made and mailed, UPS got it there with almost overnight speed - even though I sent it basic.  And the pictures and phone call had me in tears. I am so blessed to have been able to make it for him. 

Today, I am enjoying the cool morning, sipping coffee and feeling like life is finally in a bit of order.  Last night I got an order for a custom quilt for another veteran.  I can't wait to start it.  I love puzzles and creating a quilt from someone's memory is the ultimate puzzle. 

Tomorrow, there will be more answers, a more solid time line.  A better sense of what the future holds and how long these changes will be a part of our current season in time.  Stress is a bit more controlled, Hubs is in less pain - sort of - maybe he's just learning what not to do to avoid extreme pain. He's currently home, they can't accommodate his restrictions, it's starting to fall into an even flow. Beau has been doing well, since his breakthrough.  We are navigating other things that this injury has brought forward.  We will solve all of it, we always do. 

For now, birthday sweater finished, another one started.  Gardens cared for and harvest is being processed.  The leaves area starting to fall, the Earth's season is starting to change, our season is too.  

Missed ya'll... 

much love, b

slower days lately...

You can tell we've passed the summer equinox, I was just out in the garden peaking around to see what might be ready for harvest and it occurred to me that it was still very dark out there. We've started the slide back into the cooler months, the "bers"... frankly I can't wait.  Although I do dislike the darkness in the morning.  

Although you would be hard pressed to convince me that it is just the beginning of August by the wonderful temperatures we've had for two days.  After spending a few weeks in Hell's furnace, I will not only take this unexpected cool down, I will celebrate it! Temps in the sixty's and low seventy's.  Oh yes!  It is well established that I am not a hot weather person.  I love the gardens, I despise the heat. I am not foolish enough to believe that summer has kissed us goodbye.  It will be back twice as strong for many encores.  I am sure of it. 

Yesterday when I woke up, my watch buzzed.  I figured it was just the daily updates, but nope.  Evidently, my fitness watch needed to wish me "Happy Birthday Month".  I can't lie, it made me laugh and set my day off to an amazing start.  I don't celebrate birthday month, but it sure made me smile.  I guess I should be a bit disturbed that my watch is wishing me happy birthday, it's humorous just the same. I mean I definitely still have a few days before I cross that 61 mark.

I've been dancing in the kind of funk lately.  Slightly terrified that all the tick bites earlier in the season have caused a flare up from the Lyme that lives forever in my body or triggered that fibromyalsia that I refuse to acknowledge it came as part of the package deal with the Lyme. I'm willing whatever it is away.  It's not terrible, maybe it's just a seasonal blah... I get those, don't we all.  A point where we just opt out of most things and need rest?  I'm sure it is a deep paranoia, the Lyme was a very dark season in my life, unexpected muscle and headaches and being extra tired are like an immediate red flag.  The fear sets in quickly, very quickly. 

Those darn ticks have definitely stopped our mountain/countryside hikes, they've seemed to not care how much tick spray you apply, they are impervious. Finding so many of those tiny blood suckers was enough to slow me down.  

I will welcome the first freeze, the break in their life cycle. I can't wait to start daily hikes once again. 

In the meantime, I have managed to semi-participate in life.  The lack of energy and or desire to do much has been messing with my spirit.  I look around at everything I either want or need to do, the list is growing.  The energy has been lacking.  It's okay, it's just a season, but it's definitely a slow moving one. 

I finished Hubs' sweater.  I am beyond in love with it.  I tried it on, as he was at work and someone had to do it.  I am fairly certain I will be knitting another one of those before the year is over.  I didn't start it right away, I have the yarn, but I wanted something a bit more portable for my upcoming trip.  Instead, I grabbed a bag I'd tucked away a few years ago... okay probably 8 or 9 years ago, I figure if it's still in the single digits it hasn't been abandoned.  I had already decided whatever was living in that bag, patiently waiting for my attention to return, was going to be completed.  I was happily surprised to find a beautiful yarn that I had long since decided was going to be used for a pair of socks.  I am almost finished with the first one and am I am quickly realizing I will have more than enough yarn to make several pair if I decide to do so. 

As usual my brain is always planning new projects as I work, so needless to say, I have already planned my next project.  I found a beautiful cardigan pattern that combines knit and crochet. Hubs had asked me what I wanted for my birthday, it's coming up ya know, and I told him I wanted something useful. Well, he agreed that I should buy the yarn and pattern to make it.  I've ordered a beautiful brick colored Peruvian wool.  I can't wait to start it. I can't wait for it to arrive and I can show it to you!

I have several quilts I should be working on too.  Like I said, I'm struggling with energy and motivation for much this summer.  I guess it's a season of rest this year, and I am trying to lean into it.  It's hard.  But I feel there is always a reason for things when they occur. 

This is going to be disjointed, sweet Hubs was watching a travel show, I mentioned that I wished they'd choose Crete when they did those shows.  I lived there from 1976 - 1978, I clearly remember it, one of my favorite places in the world.  But none of the PBS specials ever goes there to explore the wonders that I remember so clearly. He decided to search YouTube for Crete.  For a few moments I got to experience today's Crete, so beautiful, a bit too modern and commercial for me. Yet the beauty remains.  What a beautiful distraction.

I guess, I should stop writing.  

I started a batch of yogurt before I started.  The sky is getting lighter and we want to get a walk in with our pups this morning. I am determined to accomplish at least a few productive things today.  My actual to do list (not the want to do list) is long, and my upcoming trip is going to get here way quicker than I realized. I have to prepare for Hubs and the pups to have a successful 8 days while I'm away. Yes they are very spoiled, all three.  I take my role as the family caregiver very seriously. 

Well... I guess I need to get back to life.  Celebrate the gifts, even if it's just an unexpected streak of cool days.

much love, 

b

gratitude...

I am going to pause and take a moment to enjoy this incredible morning.  Hubs had to be to work super early again, so I thought I should take care of the gardens in the coolness of the morning.  I was using cool as a relative word, as it was already muggy and nasty at 5 am this morning.  I wasn't expecting much. 

It seems that mother nature heard my whining and summoned up a beautiful breeze from the south.  It's gonna still be blistering hot, normal for this time of year.  And muggy and the Midwest are pretty much the same words in late July. But right now, it's beautiful!  The breeze is blowing, there is almost no humidity and I am sitting in the treetop garden enjoying my coffee. As I sit here looking around I see a few more things that need to be harvested before the heat sets in, but for this quiet moment in time.  I'm enjoying it. 

The critters in the woods are just starting to wake up, there is that soft buzzing of bugs surrounding me.  I've heard a few birds chirping and calling their families.  And one of my hummingbirds has already been by, checking out the flowers.  

It's gonna be the start of a couple of busy weeks.  I made an impulse decision a week ago, at first I was super apprehensive about it.  But now... well a week later, with most of the details settled, I am starting to feel excited.  My mom has been supposed to take a trip home to Pennsylvania for a hot minute now.  She got I'll the first time and we were coming up on the deadline to use her plane tickets to get her there.  One thing led to another and somehow I decided after 27 years, that it was time to go home too.  Next month, Mom and I are flying home for a whole 9 days.  I can't say I have gone anywhere, except to Europe in 2012 and taking care of mom when she'd had a medical procedure about 7 years ago, for a whole 9 days!  And I can honestly say, that I have never been away from Hubs for that long. 

hello sweet friend... welcome to the garden

But... here we are. The last time I was back was so traumatic that I have seriously avoided it.  I had been trying to get home before my Grammie passed away, she was still alive when I had left Germany.  Sadly, she passed away while I was still somewhere across the Atlantic ocean and I arrived in time for her funeral.  I have avoided Pennsylvania since then. 

And I rarely fly, so... we are just going all out of my comfort zone.  I have to have faith nothing happens to my Hubs or Pups while I am gone, I have to leave them all.  I have to fly and rent a car... and drive in unfamiliar areas in an unfamiliar car.  None of these things are in my top 10 list of things to do on a regular basis. A flight is only 1.5 hours, driving is 10.  Seems like a no brainer.  

As this week begins, I have things that are home and garden related to tackle.  I have a quilt to finish up so that I can send it south with my brother in law when he takes mom back down to Arkansas. I need to do grown up stuff like getting a Real ID, so they will let me on the plane.  It took me all of 15 minutes to gather everything so I am not sure why folks are freaking out about doing stuff like that. Would have been much easier if I hadn't let my passport expire, but honestly, I don't need it anymore, so why keep spending the money.  I wonder how many people in this country, or any country for that matter never even get a passport?

Each morning I wake up a bit more excited for the trip.  After speaking with my aunt for a bit yesterday, I can't wait to see what my cousin has in mind.  The trip is more for mom than me.  No one back home really knows me anymore.  Although I have stayed close to my cousin and my one aunt, and I am excited to see what kind of mischief we can get into.  I love them all, but I don't really chat with them much. And the bonus is that my aunt lives on a farm.  You know this girl is gonna be loving life.

I will still spend a good deal of time in the city with the rest of the family, but I will spend more time outside of the busyness. 

It will be strange to be so far from home for so long.  Although, I know that it will pass in the blink of an eye.  It's the first time mom and I have ever gone on a solo trip, we will see so much family, hopefully she will get to see some of her dearest friends from childhood.  She will spend lots of time with her little brother, she needs it as much as he does, even if she won't admit it. We'll buy chocolate, the ones that connect us so hard to our childhoods, (my Hubs and grands definitely will be waiting for that to come home).  I will explore places that I haven't seen in almost 3 decades, maybe longer.  We'll visit graves and pay respect, but mostly spend time with those that are here.  I've a firm belief that cemeteries are simply for remembering, as our loved ones are not there. 

Well, I can sit here all day and enjoy this breeze and daydream about the journey ahead.  But the humidity is picking up as nature is waking up.  I need to finish watering and head inside. I need to finish Hubs' sweater today and then load that quilt.  So much to do... 

I truly love my life! 

take care, stay cool, drink LOTS of water, 

much love, b