Happy Christmas Eve...

The tree is trimmed, the lights are on, a few decades ago we would have been telling overly excited kiddo's the Christmas story as we tried to get them ready to be tucked into bed. The pups have already opened their one gift for the night, Hubs' new jammies (I had to get them for someone) are lying on the poof beside the sofa.  My glass of eggnog moonshine (my Christmas eve gift) is empty and in the dishwasher.  No one is tracking Santa's journey at our house tonight. 

I'm sitting here alone enjoying the lights and listening to Pastor Bob Joyce sing beautiful Christmas carols (if you loved Elvis' music like I did, you really need to take a listen... dang). In a bit I will climb the stairs, worn out from a busy day and ready to sleep. Wondering when my sweet Hubs will finally be home from a long evening.  

Ironically, I am having flashbacks to the first Christmas I spent with Hubs.  That Christmas eve was very similar, although I had my boy to keep busy. He got called into work that night also.  I knew when his phone rang at 7:30 pm on Christmas eve that it wasn't going to be good news.  You simply don't get that type of call on such an important night and have it be good. I could hear the voice of one of the Vice President of his buildings, I really like him and have known him for a long time, I heard the apology and then the news.  Nope, it wasn't good news.

As he rushed to get out of his jammies and new robe and dressed to head to his building, I already knew it was going to be a super long night, the deja vu factor was strong.  I wanted to be mad, I wanted to yell and scream and cry.  None of those emotions bubbled to the surface.  I knew he wouldn't have been called if it wasn't dire. 

Without any kids at home, the night feels odd already.  Puppies don't care what day they open their gifts and it already felt surreal.  I've been dealing with my own feelings, trying to keep them tamped down hard, trying to adjust to the vast amount of time that sometimes passes between visits from kiddo's and the mixture of excitement of spending our twentieth Christmas together.  Let's just say it's already been an emotional roller coaster.  I wonder if I just don't have any unfelt feelings left to deal with this. 

I worry about him, I know he will push himself super hard, having dealt with a similar situation in the past, I know that it won't be pleasant or fun.  They've called as many folks together as they can, it will take hours.  He forgets that he's not a spring chicken any longer.  Add that to the fact that he's already pushed himself too hard the past few days in the bitter cold means that he will be exhausted. I don't want him to make himself sick, he's on vacation for the next week, I'd hate for him to spend it all in bed.  Bitter cold and water are not a great combination.

He text me a bit ago, telling me to not wait up.  I'm not sure what I will do, I'm weary.  My nap faded away today when my oldest friend in the world called me to chat.  I miss her, deeply.  I wish she wasn't so very far away.  But hearing her voice and talking about all the random crap only served to remind me that she and I will always be sisters by heart, we don't miss a beat.  We can go literally months or years without talking and it's like it was just yesterday when we reconnect. 

One of my sisters is stopping by on her way back home tomorrow, it feels wonderful to have bits and pieces of what I consider a normal Christmas memories.  Growing older sort of feels like everything gets put into a kaleidoscope, just the slightest turn changes it all.  It's still beautiful and wondrous, but it is also very different, a completely new picture and reality. 

Life is definitely every changing.  I always thought I was so flexible, adaptable... now I question if I truly am.  Or if I am becoming rigid, do I long for the security of the known to the point that I no longer search for the beauty of the unknown?  Or am I simply learning to flow with it.  

The hot tears that threatened at the change to the evening never fell.  Instead, I sat and watched the rest of the Christmas special we'd been watching, cuddled my puppies and then got up and cleaned up the house.  Worked on the few Christmas gifts I still needed to wrap  up before heading to the eldest's house tomorrow evening and now I'm sitting down.  The wind is still raging, it's been an interesting couple of days, the music is fading and the evening has shifted into night.  

I will probably sleep, much like I did 20 years ago.  Waiting for Prince Charming to reappear and wake me from my sleep.  Unlike that night so long ago, he will probably be weary and sweet and let me sleep.  He will be exhausted and climb into bed silently to sleep until morning.  Hopefully, we will get to open gifts and spend the day together, but I am not overly optimistic, he's dealing with a huge problem.  We'll see.  It's a milestone Christmas for us, twenty years... but if it ends up being 20 years and a day, it will be okay. 

Happy Christmas eve... Hug your loved ones, cherish the moments with the little's while they are still young and embrace the joy in the smallest things. Remember God sent his only begotten son, for us. 

love and peace....

making memories...

I should be heading upstairs to my sewing room, I'm a touch behind, but the fire is so comforting and it's zapping the chill out of the air.  Hot coffee, cookies that the youngest made and a warm fire.  Perfect way to deal with bitter wind chills and negative temperatures. I am fairly certain I have never felt it this cold here in the mid-west.  These are temperatures that usually happen far north of here.  I was shocked to see -6° as this mornings actual temp.  I piled towels in front of the door thresholds last night, the cold was simply unreal as the wind whipped around. It might be cold out there, but at least we will have a bit of a white Christmas.  It was too cold for much accumulation yesterday, but this snow loving fool will gladly take whatever bit decides to fall. 

I hit a pause button yesterday.  On Wednesday night, I got a text asking if my littlest dragon could hang out for a bit, she was frustrated and just didn't want to be home or do the things mom needed to do. Hubs and I immediately said yep and put our wine back in the fridge.  We were up for any time with the little bit, she's very attached to her mom and rarely wants to do anything that takes her away from mom. 

Initially, she pushed back and didn't want to come hang out when she realized mom was not going to be joining us.  Miracles of miracles, she not only joined us, she stayed the night and all day yesterday.  We spent more than 24 wonderful hours together.  

I'd been feel a bit gloomy where the holidays were concerned.  Too many Christmases without kiddos, just felt a little blah. I had been busy making the best of it, but still feeling a bit glum the closer we got to the actual day.  We usually do Christmas PJ's on Christmas eve, this will be the first time we don't.  In fact I think we've decided to simply let that tradition die, we are all fussy about what we sleep in and none of us needs another pair of pj's.  EVER! It sort of felt like the last of the traditions I had grown up with falling away. 

The little dragon, renewed my spirit and filled my heart with boundless joy.  The first thing she asked was if we would take her shopping for her mom.  Christmas was sneaking up fast and she hadn't been shopping for her mom at all.  We spent a bit of time letting her pick out whatever she felt Mom needed, oh my was it great.  She had to have a card and pretty gift bag, even though she also insisted on wrapping every single present separately. She gave up going to look at Christmas lights, because she wanted to come home and wrap her gifts and write a letter.  

The pride on her little 5 year old face at picking, wrapping and packaging a gift for her mom, was so radiant and full of love. Things get tough for kids sometimes, and she is so smart and precocious that we all sometimes forget that she is truly just 5 years old.  She's tall for her age to top it off, so it is an easy step to forgetfulness. 

As we snuggled up for a few moments before she drifted to sleep, still insisting that maybe she shouldn't spend the night (mom really needed time to wrap gifts and get ready to leave today) we talked about all kinds of things that are important to a child.  As I stroked her little forehead and listened she shared with me how hard she is trying to be good at school and how difficult it is.  I'm sure a lot of it is boredom, she's so advanced that kindergarten is leaving her too much time to fill under strict guidelines.  Her mom was the same way, although she truly doesn't remember that part of it all. 

Yes I took the candy cane away before sleep...

All too quickly she was sound asleep, snuggled into the quilts and pillows like a little angel resting on clouds.  She is an intense child, I treasure that about her.  I don't find her to be too much.  I sat and watched her for a few moments before heading off to bed. Cherishing those precious moments, thanking God for the blessing of time with her that I had received. 

Somewhere around 4:30 am, a little angel with a head full of unruly curls stood beside me, "gramma, I had a bad dream will you come snuggle me in my bed?" One does not decline such a sweet request.  As we walked back to her bed I was silently wondering if that meant we were up for the day, praying that we weren't as I was still so very tired, bracing myself for the possibility at the same time.  

Within moments, snuggled up in my arms that sweet angel was fast asleep.  I laid there and drifted in and out of sleep for another two hours, amazed and blessed that she was snuggled up safe in my arms.  She isn't a child that is super comfortable with being cuddled, in fact she will often tell you that she is very uncomfortable with even a hug.  The blessings just kept piling up.  

While she slept for another few hours, I got the kitchen ready for cookie backing, I had promised her.  It's been so very long since I've made Christmas cookies and even longer since I've made cutout cookies.  That is all she wanted to do.  There was flour and cookie cutters everywhere she had a bit of help from both myself and grandpa.  My recipe doesn't have any eggs in it, so she was able to happily much away at the scraps as she used the few cutters that gramma still had in addition to her own that she'd brought with her. 

Grampa let her pick where she wanted to do lunch, McDonald's it was (YUCK), she bundled up and helped Grampa run the snow blower for a bit, before the lure of the fresh snow was too much for her and she had to make snow angels. 

The three of us decided to pick up a load of wood, after realizing that the truck needed some weight in it to keep from sliding and we all decided we needed a fire after finding out how bitterly cold it had become. 

Over the course of the day we decorated cookies (although I think she ate most of the icing and decorations), she munched on fresh made jerky and helped me seal it all in food saver bags (that kiddo figured it out instantly and while I stuffed bags she processed them), we did hours worth of arts and crafts and messes abounded. 

I think my heart almost burst with pure joy when she told me she felt bad that mom was at home doing chores but she was having a great time and wanted to stay.  I was blessed to wear the necklaces that she made me (I hope you like this gramma, I tried very hard to do my very best!).  Oh yes sweet angel, I love them and will cherish them always.  And my green paper elf hat is absolutely perfect!

While grampa was at work helping one of his team shovel walks, she helped me fix dinner.  I had been worried that she wouldn't like ham and beans, ends up being one of her absolutely favorite meals. It wasn't until late in the evening, when I suggested that she could stay again, that it dawned on her that she'd been with us for more than 24 hours.  As she started gathering her things, that sweet little dragon told me that she would really, really love to stay, but she had things to do at home and it was time to go.  

I'm pretty sure she thought I wouldn't take her, because she woke her snoozing grampa up and asked him to please drive her home.  Poor guy.  We loaded up Grampa's truck and returned her to her much calmer and more relaxed momma, complete with a promise of more play dates when she comes back from her trip. 

She is a fire filled little dragon, she is full of energy, excitement and a zest for life that knows no limits. If you blink for a moment she transforms into a sensitive, caring, empathetic and intensely intuitive angel.  The perfect mix. 

I didn't know how deeply I needed that time with her.  Driving home last night, with the snow swirling around me, basking in the Christmas lights all around, I sort of felt like a character in a sappy Hallmark Christmas movie.  Ya know that moment when they realize their greatest gift had just been given to them.

The traditions are wonky and out of order. Finding bits of icing all over the kitchen island and the floor while cleaning up the dragon "glitter" (not messes) from every room, filled me with hope and promise.  It healed my heart.  

last time I baked Christmas cookies... it's the OG
from 11 years ago...(same age as her little sister)

The spirit of Christmas showed up disguised as a little impish dragon with a head full of unruly curls and fire in her eyes.  

I'm definitely counting my blessings on this day before the night before Christmas.  And even more thankful that our Christmas season will stretch into the new year. 

The fire has almost burned out and it's time to get busy.  I have a few things to finish yet before I sit down and relax.  

love and prayers... and Christmas miracles to each of you...

cherishing the season...

With the holiday creeping ever closer and my final list in my hands I headed out the door this morning around 6 am.  I am finding that I do my best when I'm not dealing with too many folks at once.  Besides I wanted to make Hubs a long sleeve shirt for his Christmas party today.  

I have been working hard at keeping the list manageable this year (hard to do when you are married to a gifter - and that is his favorite love language).  I know what the official take is on inflation, and I might tick a few folks off... but if you believe that is a true number, I have some ocean front property in Colorado to sell ya.  Please... 

It's been a crazy week, full of parties and creating. I'm afraid after the holidays I am going to have to force myself to slow it down a bit and let this darn thumb heal.  It's mostly usable, but it is definitely painful, in fact that is why I am writing at this moment.  I spent hours crafting and wrapping gifts already today, the act of cutting is unbelievably painful, but I can't exactly ask Hubs to help me wrap his gifts can I?  

So I'm taking a small break before I jump back into creating.  I need to get a batch of jerky started and also another batch of slut sauce, those are for various Christmas gifts. Mostly passive work, but that jerky gun is tough on the hand, especially when it doesn't have much strength. 

I'm pretty much done with shopping, thank goodness, as I am not a fan. Just a couple little things left on the list for a couple of folks and of course we have to shop for the pups.  I am almost finished creating gifts too.  It feels good to know the holiday is just about a week away and I should be finished by Tuesday at the latest. 

After I finish up the gifts left to create and get the packages in the mail (the ones I can mail before the holiday) I am going to focus on a few things for myself.  I want to work on quilting up my family quilt before the end of the year, my Christmas quilt that my sweet Hubs made for me and a few other ones that have waited a long time to meet the longarm. It feels weird to be ahead of the game for a change.  Even if the kids hadn't shifted their times for the holiday, I would still be ahead.  It feels wonderful!

This morning I discovered I have somehow become part of the senior crowd.  Most of the folks rambling around the store this morning were older, we all had our lists clenched in our hands (not typed into a phone) and I know I heard several of us humming Christmas carols. 

I have to say I find it disturbing how many basics are hard to find right now, and it seemed like many of the other's felt the same way.  I wasn't buying unusual items, quite the opposite.  I was focused in on everyday ordinary.  And found myself stunned at the barren shelves and lack of sizes.  I managed to find what I needed with only slight modifications, although I never thought I'd see the day that a basic sweatshirt was a rare commodity. 

I knew I wasn't alone, watching my "peers" searching the aisles and shelves in the same manner I was.  If it wasn't the lack of items that was shocking folks, it was the increase in prices.  I mean I was still in a state of shell shock - or maybe it was sticker trauma from our grocery trip just two days ago.  Since Aldi's has opened I rarely go to the other groceries any longer, so I haven't seen the gradual price increases. To us, the change wasn't gradual, it was radical!

On Wednesday Hubs and I ran out for the last minute things for the team holiday feast.  As it was early in the day we had to go to one of the big stores, they open earlier.  To say that we both were stunned would be an extreme understatement.  An inflation rate of 7. anything is a total load of baloney.  We didn't buy name brands, well except the rolls and only because the generic were a mere four cents less and we knew everyone would like those silly Hawaiian rolls (I don't like them, but they are definitely a fan favorite). We bought no meat, just the random fillers of cheeses, tea, gravy mix - ya know the stuff you often forget.  Almost every item we bought was "on sale" (again, not believing that for a moment).  We didn't buy coffee or big ticket things like that.  Bread, eggs, milk, butter, cheeses... Holy Moses... We were placing bets on the final cost, I barely came closest.  I'd bet $200, Hubs went with $225 minimum.  Checking out at $195, and we only used one of those little carts they have now, was quite the wake up call on that chilly morning. 

From the looks of the carts as we have ventured out, there isn't going to be a lot of extravagant gifts under trees.  The matchy, matchy pajamas are still bursting out of the shelves at the stores unlike years past. It's okay, in fact it's probably amazing.  This holiday isn't about the bounty under the tree, it's about the love and bounty of the heart.  It's almost nice to experience people getting back to giving from the heart. 

I've noticed many family and friends creating, baking, making candies and treats, crafting and putting deep thought into how they will express their love and joy this time of year.  I know some folks that are actually buying groceries for their loved ones.  I get it.

The wind is picking up, the temperature is dropping, we might even get a white Christmas (I sure hope so) my break time is almost over, I need to get the jerky in the dehydrator unless I don't want to go to bed tonight.  

Cherish this precious time.  Spread love and cheer, the world seems to be in a serious deficit in that department.  

love and prayers... 

 

Christmas is...

I have a lot of things on my list, but I think I'm going to just rest for a bit this morning.  Seems I've been rushing around needlessly, as I don't have mailing deadlines after all.  Well, I do for Alabama, but that's it. I figured that I will take a few extra moments this morning to process my feelings and reset where I'm at.  It's super hard when you are feeling like a self-centered brat.  But... that is where I am right now.  Feeling selfish and bratty. 

My kiddo's lost one of their grandparents this fall, and honestly in complete fairness their Dad probably needs them far more than I do right now.  I remember the year I lost my Dad, and how all I needed to make my heart feel home was Christmas with my babies.  I didn't realize it was going to be the last Christmas for such a long time. It was the last time our boy has been home at all. 

We raised strong independent children, exactly what you are supposed to do, but that doesn't make it any easier when you miss them like crazy.  Whether it's because their lives are full and busy or they are far away.  

Holiday's are starting to fade in importance.  I admit as I put up the tree this year, I might have shed a few tears, but I was hoping against hope that maybe the boy might surprise us with a trip home.  It wouldn't have been complete because I knew the girl had decided to spend the holiday with Dad, in fact I think my heart already knew the boy was heading to Dad's also.  It's the right thing to do.  I definitely encouraged both of them to do so. Remembering how my heart felt, I wanted to be kind and fair.

I know it's the right thing, so why do I feel so rotten?  Probably because after driving all the way to Arkansas before my surgery last year, thinking I was going to get some quality time with the kids, I ended up getting a few spare hours and due to unforeseen circumstances, my time with them got taken away.  They were off living their lives again.  That's all I've seen them for far too long.  A few random pictures, a couple of text messages and even an occasional phone call. 

We see the girls a bit more, but not by much.  Although I admit that we grab every single moment that is put before us, plans can always be cancelled when our kids have a moment in their schedules.  I do miss them so. 

I'm feeling super rotten, selfish and unreasonable.  As I moved their boxes away to deal with when they return home I felt empty.  For some stupid reason the song "Thank God for Kids" popped into my head, in all it's versus, that immediately followed listening to "I'll be home for Christmas". 

I'm really okay with the holiday being just the Hubs and the Pups.  It will be full of love and joy.  But there is something magical about when your kids are little.  I think the nostalgia is eating away at my heart.  Remembering the almost daily pleading to open just one gift, the excitement and wonder of it all.  Struggling to get them to bed, praying they would sleep long enough to create the magic.  

Those days are very long gone.  But that magic and wonder isn't.  

I'm being a brat.  I love them, they love us, they simply have to be in more places than time and space will allow.  I'm pretty sure next year is already off the table as well, so I am fairly sure that added to the melancholy in my heart.  Again, it is pure selfishness on my part.  

When the boy was very, very young I had a premonition that I would see very little of him once he was past his early 20's.  I crammed as much time into those years as I could, cherishing each moment, just in case.  Here he's in his early 30's and I rarely see him.  

Last year when I was so upset about my car, my impending surgery and life in general, I went to get a reading. I needed some reassurance and balance in my life, by then I knew that I wasn't going to get to see them again last summer - that life had zigged, not zagged. My heart sunk when the sweet lady said that she needed to let me know my boy loves me, but I would most likely not see him until at least 2025.  It felt like an eternity, sometimes it still does, but with each moment that passes... it feels very much like it will come to pass. 

One of my favorite Christmas albums growing up was by Walter Brennan, we listened to it every year, from wherever life had dropped us for the moment.  One of the songs is about the family not being home for Christmas.  It always made my heart feel a bit tender and mellow.

We missed a great many Christmases with extended family and it is probably why I struggle now.  I don't want to ever become that way with my kiddo's. Rationally, I know that I am not spending Christmas with my mother either, I've spent very few as an adult, I do harbor guilt about that.  

Our world is not the one of Norman Rockwell paintings.  And honestly, I don't care so much if the kids are home for Christmas, I would just love to be able to see them a bit more.  I simply miss them. 

I'm glad I took the time to sit and write.  My heart isn't so tender, my spirit is brighter.  I do miss my babies, I think that is simply part of being a parent.  It doesn't mean that Christmas isn't wonderful, Hubs and I will have a blessed day with our pups.  The kids will probably call for a moment or two, although they will be pretty busy, so I will settle for a text message. We might spend a bit of the day with our oldest, as she might be in town.  And if not... we'll build a fire, kick back and enjoy the magic of the day. If it isn't raining we will take the pups for a walk at their favorite park and we will spend time remembering the true meaning of the celebration.  Taking time to thank God for the amazing gift of his only son and sending love and joyful thoughts and prayers to all of our family and friends. 

When the girl and her family returns we will gather for a second Christmas in January and we will also be blessed to see all of her kids.  Maybe the joy of stretching the holiday time out past a single day, is very much worth it.  

I guess I'd better get busy, Hubs is throwing a Christmas party for his team tomorrow... or maybe I should say I am.  I have goodies to cook and cleaning to do... time to get with it. 

love and prayers... 

believe in the magic...

I've stopped for the first time since waking... Was that only 5 hours ago?  I don't have any idea how I kept up with the house and life when I worked full time.... Oh wait yeah I do, they took a back seat to my "job". So did things like sleep, cooking healthy meals and taking care of myself and Hubs. 

Hubs has a meeting every Wednesday, it starts at 7:30 am and usually runs at least an hour or two, it's a google hangout, which means he is in his home office fairly early.  I try not to go down to my crafting area or carry things down to the cantry during that time.  I don't want to interrupt.  So I usually take that time to catch up on my weekly chores, laundry, ironing, sweeping, mopping, ya know those things that take a minute.  

I still haven't done the ironing, I subbed in a few moments of present wrapping, we have gifts that need to be mailed and I wanted to get them finished up quickly. I'm trying to not hit that panic stage this year, and actually plan things out.  I also finished up all of the inside decorating, and I'm getting ready to start on a day of creating. 

I love creating, it's like a salve for a my weary soul.  When I get lost in creating I forget the world exists.  I've been super busy this week so far it's involved paint, power tools, glass, lots of vinyl... those projects are finished and now I'm getting ready to head down to the long arm.  I have several quilts to finish, but only one that needs mailed so it is getting done today.  Then I will probably head up to the sewing room to work on a few more things that I want to get finished and wrapped. 

I have to admit that the fact that our economy is crashing hard has definitely been a boost to my heart.  I know that sounds unbelievably insane, but... the truth of the matter is that I have been beating a drum for a very long time that Christmas has become far too commercialized.  The reason for the season has slowly, or far too quickly depending on your perspective been eroded and turned into nothing more than an opportunity for all of us to rush headlong into debt to feed a beast of greed.  

My favorite gifts to give and get are the ones that are homemade. Followed up by things that from a small business or second hand.  To me that fact that someone put the effort into finding just the right thing for me.  It means so much.  The fact that it is something I can truly use, or treasure forever.  Priceless. 

This year, even more so than in the past, the few gifts we are giving are things that are of great use to people.  Things that they will truly be able to use and value.  

If you are on my gift giving list, don't be surprised by clothing, food, heck even gas cards are a possibility. I am creating things that have value.  Even Hubs has joined the band wagon, creating all of his gifts, spending hours at his featherweight and learning new skills. 

Each gift we give will be deeply thought out, it will be something that we know will help or provide comfort in some way to the recipient.  It won't be garish, it will be gifted in love. I am so excited for this holiday season.  I don't feel the stress that years past have brought, the need to buy, buy, buy has been eliminated.  It feels priceless. 

This year is also the 20th Christmas that Hubs and I have spent together.  The anniversary of our first Christmas together.  Ironically, I didn't have much in the way of treasure back then either, yet it was magical. 

This will be a Christmas of just the two of us and our sweet fur babies on Christmas morning.  Although we will probably get to see the eldest and her clan later in the day.  It's bittersweet, I miss the boy and his girl, it will be strange to not see the youngest grands and their mom (I do have to share them now that my ex lives in the US). It will feel different. 

But... I am looking forward to leisurely opening the few gifts we buy for one another, to enjoying the puppies opening their presents and to having a nice quiet breakfast as we celebrate the fact that we have spent twenty Christmases with each other.  It's an amazing milestone and deserves to be cherished and celebrated.  It's not about gifts, it's not about anything except being together. We will have a fire, we will share our coffee and probably reminisce a bit.  

I'm hoping for snow, as all the boy had wanted that year for Christmas was a white Christmas and sure enough, it wasn't snowing when we went to bed that Christmas eve, but we woke up to a bright white snowy Christmas.  Wouldn't that be magical?  

Well, I've wandered through memories, smiled and had a few moments of misty eyes remembering the past, now it's time to get back to working on my projects.  I heard the dryer buzzer go off, meaning the final batch is ready to be folded and carried upstairs.  I can still hear Hubs' voice wafting up the stairs so I guess I will reverse my work plans and head up to the sewing room first, long arming can wait for this afternoon. 

I still believe in the magic and wonder of what Christmas truly is.  The greatest gift ever was given to us by God above.  Doubt it?  John 3:16 will clarify that for you.  

they want the same toy 

Have I mentioned lately how very blessed I am?  I thank God every day for every blessing that has been given to me.  For the bounty, blessings and joys.  In this crazy mixed up world that we are living in, those blessings are huge!

love and prayers... b

thoughts on a journey....

Yesterday Hubs and I decided to do something crazy, at least for us it was crazy.  We got up and headed down to Arkansas to celebrate the first birthday of our great nephew.  We didn't spend the night, we drove down and back.  With puppy walking breaks and the party itself we were gone for about fourteen hours. It was a long drive, but our hearts were full and we loved being able to celebrate such an incredible birthday.  That little guy has had a tough journey, and he just keeps amazing us at every turn.  

It was one of the craziest things we've done in years.  We aren't spring chickens, so we weren't sure of our ability to pull it off, but we did. 

I took the last part of the first leg, so Hubs and the pups could nap, it's a long stretch of basically nothingness.  As I was driving along in silence, I'd turned the music down a lot, I'd thought about putting on my podcasts, but didn't want to disturb Hubs, instead I found myself lost in observations. 

Heading south means that the beauty and colors of Fall linger a bit longer. There are long stretches that are lined with trees, separated by long fields and little man made structure.  The fields resting for the most part now, but are brimming with life the rest of the year.  The sky was an odd mixture of haze, sunshine and an almost red cast throughout the course of almost a hundred miles. 

I noticed the odd clouds filling the sky, not the clouds that we searched for shapes and characters as kids, but crisscrossed lines that didn't move at all, even though the winds were strong.  Knowing that chemtrails are definitely real and not a theory, I was deeply saddened as I looked out into fields and wondered what was drifting slowly down into the fields and streams.  I longed to see the clouds floating past and shifting shapes, where were snoopy or the dragon shapes of my childhood? 

Another thing I noticed that although they have had a significant amount of rain in the past few weeks, the rivers and lakes that drove past were significantly lower than in years past.  As we'd headed out my sister warned me that it'd been raining a lot and that we would likely encounter a lot of mud, we were prepared to let the Pups hang out in the car while we partied to avoid them being little mud babies for the drive home. Imagine our surprise to almost completely dry fields and almost no mud.  That alone speaks volumes to the dryness of the fields and ground.  

I spent a lot of time just lost in thought, staring down a familiar road and wondering about the changes that were so evident as it had been a bit since we'd last driven down.  I wondered if someone that is familiar, but not a recent visitor to our area could see the changes that are happening up here.  Our rivers are so very low, to the point that we often take the puppies walking on the dry riverbeds as a safe place to romp.  Every time we are on the one just 10 minutes from our house, I am reminded of filling countless sand bags in the rain racing to beat the rising flood waters from that very river. It did an immense amount of damage less than 6 years ago, and today it is bone dry with just a few shallow puddles to even speak to it being a conduit of water for the most part. 

I am wondering what is going on in nature.  Is it all man made?  I don't know.  I do know that it is definitely happening globally.  Just yesterday I heard of floods in the deserts of Saudi Arabia, there are volcano's erupting with a regularity that should be a bit concerning.  

Has man been trying to play God with the weather for too long now?  Are we going to have to deal with trauma caused by their tinkering?  Either a lack of rain or a deluge seems to be spreading everywhere. 

Time with family was a blessing, no matter how little the amount was.  The time driving gave us a chance to talk, to think to be... 

Today is a recovery day, it's cold and we're tired.  Seems the perfect way to simply rest. 

Looking at the evil...

It sure feels cold this morning.  I have a long list of to do's, but I need to write.  I put it off all day yesterday, even though I knew I needed to write.  I found a million little things to do.  Oddly, more and more of the stuff that was eating at my brain and heart found a way to make itself known over the course of the day. Even while doing something as mindless as playing solitaire on my phone. 

I need to write about an observation I've been having.  A feeling that is getting stronger and stronger by the moment. A lot of the reason that I quit writing daily in the first place.  For the longest time I've felt this feeling, this sense of good versus evil, right versus wrong, I am not sure either of those descriptions are entirely accurate, but they are also not inaccurate.  I am not sure there are words available that fit the thoughts completely.  

Yesterday, while trying to move myself out of the bubble I was in, the longing to write, the inability to string together the thoughts, I found myself listening to every random podcast that interested me in the slightest.  I did this while I was working on a few canning projects cranberry juice and a lovely orange rhubarb jam, nothing major, simply distractions. I needed the distractions.  

One of them I was listening to felt like a whack upside the head, a jarring to my own memories and thoughts.  The person was speaking of a dream they'd had and the huge impact that dream had on them.  I understood what he was saying, although that wasn't what jarred me.  He was speaking of how God speaks to all of us in different ways and it depends on whether or not we are listening as to the impact of the words.  

It reminded me abruptly of a drive to work a few years ago.  I think I might have even written about it in the past.  Hubs was heading south that day and was going to take the motorcycle.  I did not want him to for whatever reason, I was convinced it was a terrible idea and wouldn't end well.  As I was driving to work I was filled with panic and ended up having a full blown panic attack, I turned around and came home, made him stay with me until I was calm.  Oddly, I remember the calming started as soon as I made the turn to come home, I was still a wreck when I got home, but I could breath and had stopped shaking. 

He rode his bike that day, I ultimately calmed and went to work.  I don't know which one of us was protected from something horrible happening that day, but we both ultimately went about our days and came home to one another safely at the end of the day. 

I've had many moments like that in my life, times when I felt anxiety and stress come into my world, often seemingly without reason or cause. My daughter's car accident, when our other daughter came into our lives are just two of them that jump into my thoughts.

Lately, I have felt very strongly drawn to prayer, to listening to different pastors sharing God's messages and leading me lots of research and questioning things.  And also to a strong sense of peace. 

We are living in a very evil time.  I think most folks are absolutely blind to it, they have slowly become jaded and cold where things are concerned. Even our churches are blinding us, leading us to look away.  We have been controlled for so very long that we are missing what is right before our very eyes. 

If you haven't heard about all of the vileness surrounded a certain fashion house, it might be time to do some homework.  Instead of ignoring the millions of invaders at our southern border, maybe stop and question some of it.  The information is out there, if you want to see it.  If you want to understand. 

I've always loathed the grand gala's at the beginning of sporting events and the like, half-time shows have always seemed off to me.  Looking at them now, I feel an even greater sense of discomfort and dislike. They have always seemed distasteful and almost dark.  Never quite making sense in the context of the event they were associated with.  

I'm not a fan of anything high fashion and have never felt the need or draw to wear a companies name on myself or my belongings, if I like the quality and style, I wore it.  But just to have it, regardless of the cost, nope never going to happen. I don't need your so called status symbols. Heck, I usually remove the dealers signs from my vehicles, I am not paying to advertise for you.

Slowly it dawned on me in the past few days that even the ads in my so called mindless games are designed to elicit dark feelings.  I mean seriously... sexualized anime for a game?  Nonstop ads for sexualized e-books, most often dealing with werewolf's and the like... seriously? 

If they aren't about sex, then they are dealing with children, animals and women being tossed aside in harsh conditions and asking you to save them in a game.  What kind of emotions and feelings are they working to pull out of you, to draw you into a game?  And you don't have the option of playing the game with the ads popping up.  What are they trying to do?  

Hubs and I have both noticed that while watching a few of the old shows we enjoy that the commercials have evolved to just a few topics... pharmaceuticals, fast food or weight loss or don't forget medicare and "money, money, money" (I loathe that one).... odd those things seem to be all there is.  

Listening to the pharmaceutical commercials is enough to send a sane person off the chain... Have you ever really listened?  Hmmm... eczema or death... seems like a no brainer to me. Those side effects seem worse than the original problem.  But I know many people that take medication on top of medication.  Heck Hubs used to, now he takes nothing and is doing so much better than when they were medicating him for what they diagnosed. 

Has anyone seen Died Suddenly?  I'll admit I haven't.  I can't.  I have too many loved ones that I feel it would shatter me.  

Again... evil... 

The more I learn, the more I dig deeper into the stuff not covered in the official narrative (main stream media), the more I feel the depth of evil that we have become enslaved to.  

There is so much going on right now.  Interest rates increasing, inflation, sorry I think we are heading for a depression, we've already blew through the recession.  Don't forget all of the evil with taxes, but definitely ignore the evil with FTX and why the guy that is responsible is still not arrested and all that baloney.  Let's go after the drones (meaning us) but not the rich and powerful.

Don't forget all the clean energy, another total crock of you know what... and I used to be a huge proponent of it, until you start digging past the hype and glamour.  I'm thankful I never bought an EV or put solar on my home.  All those folks that have bought into it... might want to stop and take a deeper look.  Heck even the vehicles and such cannot be made without petroleum.  

What is happening to our children in the schools is beyond unimaginable.  And yet, we choose to believe what we are told.  Instead of opening our eyes and truly listening and hearing what is blatantly out there for all of us to see.  

For God's sake, think. 

The evil being created and used to control us is unreal, we are not part of a earthly battle, we are the pawns in a supernatural one.  I know that God wins, I know that he has already won, but this journey is going to be a touch rocky.  

There are many that do not know this, that are going along to get along.  I'm thankful that I am waking up, refusing to go along to get along.  At some point in this game the chips will be called in.  At some point everything will be painfully obvious to everyone, will it be too late?

This is definitely a battle of biblical proportions, it is definitely the darkest before dawn... I'm no longer hearing a still small voice, I am hearing a loud booming roar... 

But God!