Last night we were sitting in the garden watching the sun set and the moon rise. It was absolutely magical, as it always is this time of the year. The leaves are changing, the evening air is often the perfect temperature and we enjoy being out there. Dinner gets served out there, Hubs jazz music is just the right volume and we are able to relax. As soon as we started smelling the fireplaces burning, Hubs built a small fire in our solo stove. Perfection. We lounged around, chatting and watching the fire turn to embers until both of us were struggling to keep our eyes open and the air turned far too cool for comfort.
Anyone else finding themselves searching for the things that bring comfort? Lingering a bit longer in those things? Seems it's becoming a habit with me. A bit longer by the fire, sitting with family and friends, extra snuggles with Pups and moments of peace and quiet. When I get involved in a project, I am not in a hurry, finding myself savoring each moment that I am involved in it's creation.
I could have my sweater done by now, if I rushed. My heart is finding peace in the steps, so I am not rushing through it. I will start the final sleeve at some point today. As I am finishing up the garden, I am being careful to harvest everything at the last possible moment. I am drying the seeds carefully to use to start next years garden.
I just feel a deep need to slow down. Nothing needs to be rushed, it needs to be enjoyed. I don't know how to describe it. I'm no longer turning on noise, just for the sake of noise, I'm behind on every program that I listen to and I am comfortably okay with it.
Sitting out under the stars last night, basically in silence with Hubs was so therapeutic. The world feels super charged to me right now. Full of so many different kinds of energy. Emotions are running rampant, good, bad, beautiful and ugly all at the same time.
I know it is a time of several Jewish holidays, but I am not overly familiar with them. I just feel that the world is asking us to slow down, to cherish the moments, to enjoy the simpler things. To be corny, to step out of the illusionary world that we've been in and re-immerse ourselves in the perfection of the real world. Of God's world. Maybe the garden of Eden isn't as long forgotten as we have been lead to believe. Maybe God has surrounded us with it, we just need to open our eyes and heart? I definitely don't know, I just feel more and more drawn to the slowness, the simple, the calm.
I don't truly know how to describe it. I am simply okay with living it.
I've been a bit stung lately by how demanding Hubs' job can be of his time. I understand it, but I definitely build up to a revolt stage at points. I think that is where I have been lately. He's in a very busy time, he has a lot of new folks, big projects, just stuff. He's in a state of almost over-drive, it's definitely clashing with my need to slow things down, as you can imagine.
I used to live that life, on steroids, so I completely understand, I also know that I can sometimes be a selfish brat and not want to share. I was telling him that yesterday morning, jealous of the demands of his job that prevented him from lingering by a fire with me. Upset at nonsense. I'd been up for hours, so had he, but it was dark in the man-cave so I assumed he'd fallen back to sleep down there. I cleaned the upstairs completely, finishing the ironing, dusting and scrubbing bathrooms, even showering before coming back to the main floor. He still was down in the darkness, and being worried he'd be late for work I went down to wake him.
I was crushed to find him sitting at his desk playing solitaire with his earbuds in. All I could feel was the wasted two hours. It lead to a rough day, probably for both of us. Last night as went to put my phone on charge, the upset of the morning completely wiped away by the wonder of the entire 5 hours of uninterrupted Hubs time, I found a card sitting there. My dear Hubs is the king of cards, I am not, it was probably the sweetest most profound one he's given me in forever.
Here's the thing, anyone familiar with the story "The gift of the Magi"? A story of a woman and man each giving up something precious to them for the other one, while both of them had given it up to give each other a gift for that very precious thing? The woman gave up her long beautiful hair, the man gave up his treasured pocket watch. It was given away in pure love.
His long hours provide me the opportunity to live a life that brings me extreme joy and happiness. In turn, he get's his 50's housewife as he is fond of saying. It was the perfect balm to my tender feelings. I was heard and given the grace to have my feelings and he was able to be the awesome provider that he is.
I was confusing his intensity with work right now, for a lack of happiness at home. Both of us were very mixed up. He wasn't avoiding time with me, he was hoping he was being very quiet and allowing me to sleep in. If I had climbed the stairs and not assumed that he was sleeping, we could have enjoyed the time together.
Lesson learned.
Yesterday was full of things that twisted my feelings. Spending time chatting online with my boy, while precious and an absolute treasure only drove home the fact that due to his need to be with the other side of his family, they had a death, that another year will pass until I get to physically see him again. I get it, I understand it... I simply miss him. I'm not such a fan of my kiddo's growing up. I miss them being home, I miss them in general. I get they grow up, they grow away, even as I know that they pop up when time allows. I am thankful to know they are happy and living their best lives, but I definitely miss them.
All the derailments emotionally lately have been wearing me down, yesterday, I felt like things clicked back into place. I'm still wishing for more time with those I cherish, but I am back into a different mindset, for which I am thankful. I actually feel a bit of motivation to get back to the things that bring me joy.
I don't know if the world is begging for us to slow and focus or if that is my own wishful heart. I hope it is, I pray that we are moving back to a time when we loved one another, simply for being. I would love for the world to slow down. I long for it.
Well... my little boy is letting me know that he wants mommy time. He will probably never figure out that 70 lbs is not lap puppy size. He's laying on the floor whining and talking, letting me know he isn't happy that he isn't in my lap. So I guess it's time to give him some lap time and enjoy the last of the fire before starting the day.
love and prayers...
Good one 381+
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