that feeling...

Woosh... is that a word?  Or simply a feeling? A feeling of time moving faster than imaginable, of paddling against the current, of having more to do than you have the time to do it in?  Yep, that is exactly how I am feeling this morning. 

I woke up at 3 am, I probably should have just gotten started on the day, but I was tired and allowed myself to drift back asleep.  Next thing I knew sweet Hubs was bringing me my morning coffee to start the day.  I am going to pat myself on the back and celebrate the fact that I managed to get a quick shower before hitting the ground running.  

As I woke up and started processing the day, I realized today is truly the last working day of July.  I had to wrap up the remaining paperwork on my car, I have to get to the doctor to get cleared for surgery (would have been nice to know that before yesterday), and all those things to do to get ready... well tick tock! 

Hubs and I have decided to disappear for the weekend.  We are going to take our camper on it's maiden trip.  At the last minute we were able to get a site in the same town that his oldest daughter is vacationing to celebrate her birthday.  And it appears my oldest might even be able to join us.  So of course I have to get ready for that also. 

Yep WOOSH describes my feelings right now.  Waves washing over me as I try to get my list together, check it twice and make sure I don't forget anything. 

It's only 8:38 am, most folks have just finished their morning coffee and showers, those would be normal folks.  This insane woman has started laundry, finished all the final paperwork/transactions with her total loss car, gotten a serious runaround with the department of revenue (as much of our money as they want you would think they could be at least a bit helpful and friendly), and loaded up a cooler and two huge bags of food to donate to the veterans food pantry. 

I would say I have definitely "earned" the right to sit for a moment drink my coffee and write. 

Thankfully it feels like our "heatwave" has busted up and the rains last night made sure the gardens were well watered.  Check one thing off the list.  I'm far more thankful for the normal temperatures, even with the wonderful mid-west humidity. Have I mentioned how much I hate heat? If I could live somewhere that the temperature stayed between 50 - 75 year round, heaven!  I'd start packing today.  My jeans and sweatshirt soul would be overjoyed!

I have sink full of soaping dishes that need washed, I will do that shortly.  Yesterday I found myself getting carried away with soap making.  Initially I'd only planned on making Hubs' his avocado soap, he loves that one and has been out for awhile.  I knew that I wouldn't be up for making any for a few weeks at least and when you add the 6 weeks of cure time, well... he was looking at almost November before he could use it.  Besides I had an extra ripe avocado and sure didn't want to waste it. 

I mean... who can stop at one?

Avocado Tobacco & Bay

Not cupcakes... molds were behind the 
truck... so... improvise!

Well, lets just say one thing led to another, I mean all the supplies were out, the kitchen was filled with the smell of soaps, why not keep going right?  It was literally the last day I would have at home to soap before my surgery.  I have to have them all unmolded and cut by Monday, and they usually need 3 days at least to cure in the mold first.  Before I knew it, I'd completed the avocado soap - tobacco & bay scented, some super creamy Cocoa & Cashmere bars - they are rich with cocoa butter and then I decided to make a batch of Coconut Milk bars - they are brightly colored and smell divine with mango and kumquat as the scent.  I questioned adding the snowflake mica on top, but it's just so pretty! 

Creamy Cocoa & Cashmere

Coconut Milk

I would have made a second batch of the avocado, but I ran out of one of palm kernel flakes and can't purchase that locally, so one batch will have to do.  I know that sounds like a ridiculous selection without rhyme nor reason, but truth be told, I was trying to use up some of my oils and essentials before they went bad. Honestly, if we hadn't had other things to do, I am fairly positive that I would have made a few more batches.  This morning leaves no time.  So that is the end of soaping until September.  The standing for hours definitely reminded me why I am going to have this knee fixed.  Hopefully when I tackle it again, I will not have to pay the price of not being able to walk well the rest of the day. 

As much as I am enjoying sitting still and relaxing I am also very aware that it is not getting my list completed.  Even with as productive as today has been thus far.  I'm starting to feel a bit of anxiety creeping in.  I am well aware that I only have 4 days to finish getting organized for the unknown.  I'm not anxious about the surgery - heck I will be asleep - but I am anxious about the unknown.  I don't do well when I am not in control of my life and environment. Dang it, this is probably a part of the growth I need to work on.  I hate when things suddenly become clear. 

Well... time to get back at it!  The WOOSH is feeling stronger... 

transitions...

I was out in my treetop garden this morning.  Making sure it is ready for another day of high heat. When I checked the weather report and saw we are expecting a heat index of 112.  Yikes HOT! As I was puttering around I noticed how much of a transition it is going through.  So much of it is overflowing with new growth and bounty.  The tomatoes are going crazy, if the silly squirrel leaves us any that is.  And all of my pepper plants are covered in beautiful flowers and fruit.  Even the green beans are starting to have new flowers and beans. 

I've pulled the dead flowers, my marigolds did not like the treetop garden this year.  Weeded out most of the volunteer plants that the birds have kindly planted, decided to allow a few to grow, simply out of curiosity. So throughout the garden I have found random flowers shining bright yellow, injecting a bit of joy in the midst of the deep green.  And different plants covered with seeds for their nourishment. I can share the space.

Other planters are now barren, whatever had been growing has finished it's season.  It's too hot to plant the fall plants just yet, so I am allowing them to transition for the moment. I will perk up the soils adding nutrients that might be gone now and simply allow them to rest for this moment in time. 

My garden feels so much like life right now, not just for me.  I know so many that are in a state of transition.  Moving from one space in time into another. Some doors closing, others swinging wide open. I'm of the personal belief that how we handle the transitions life gives us, strongly influences the outcome of the next phase.  

You can dread each change, struggle against it and refuse to face it.  I used to live in that bubble.  Always digging in my heels to prevent the forward motion. Not wanting to leave the bubble of protection, because that is what is was.  When life feels safe, without rocky movement, we accept it.  We may be miserable where we are at, we might be stagnant and unfulfilled, but hey at least we are safe.  There is limited uncertainty, we know what to expect and we can basically check boxes. 

I started to prune back my cow pea plants. I'd harvested all the pods, the leaves had fallen away and all that was left were sad, browning sticks.  I hadn't gotten to it yet this week.  I had some things I was working on that needed attention. When I went out this morning, to my surprise they were already starting to put out new growth.  These are an heirloom seed, so I was not really sure what to expect. The plants had decided to transition on their own.  When they were no longer expending energy sustaining dead growth they were able to expend it on actual growth.

When we are strong enough to shed the things that are not bringing us happiness, joy, or fulfillment, even if it is sudden or unexpected.  Even when we can't see that first step off our own personal cliff, if we can just have faith, magical things happen. 

magic waiting for me as I wandered
my dark house before bedtime

Having a bit more time in my day today, the project is finished, I will probably go out to my confused hydrangea and trim up the spent flowers, they are weary and tired. In exchange, while it will simply be a deep green plant for a bit, I am already seeing buds waiting to burst forward.  It is just waiting for me to free up some of it's energy. 

I have found the same thing happening to me as a human on this glorious planet living my crazy life.  I was stuck in a pattern.  It wasn't a bad pattern, it wasn't a good pattern, it was simply a pattern.  I wasn't finding myself fulfilled and had basically forgotten how to dream. It's taken me a bit of time and work to step out of that shell, to fully start blooming again.  I am still in my cocoon to a degree.  Still in the stages of repair and rebirth. I'd neglected me the human being for far too long.  My own health suffered more than I had realized. 

Yet, I feel the transition happening.  I am able to be more present.  I am not distracted by things that were lacking meaning and substance in my life.  I was always waiting for an alarm, an alert, an email or calendar invite.  I had ceased to be human and become a bot.  I can dream again and see bright vibrant colors.  I can loose myself in the moment.

When I wake up at stupid o'clock now, I don't dread it, I don't roll over with tears in my eyes fretting about how I am going to make it through the day on so little sleep.  Thus making myself more tired.  I've stopped paying attention to a clock.  Time is a construct of man, a form of control.  I now cherish the sunrise, I celebrate the lack of constraints as I make time to putter in the garden, tidy my home, plan my projects and simply forget the days and hours of the week. I can also stay up long past the setting of the sun and not notice it, not feel the drain on my energy in the least. Ironically, in this phase of my life, I am far more apt to need a calendar than before.  So that I can track all of the ins and outs that I would otherwise forget. 

The "before" me lived in fear.  Fear of missing a deadline, fear of not doing enough, fear of being enough, fear of maintaining that status quo, fear of anything that would bring about change. The "transitioning" me, is calm.  Much like the memory Facebook shared with me today of my youngest grand baby in her early zen state (she can still zen out, but man was she the expert when she was little bitty).

Do I have any more answers than I did before?  Nope... not a one.  I feel like those barren planter boxes.  Nourished and resting. I have more physical healing to do, more dreaming and imagining the future, but soon... I will be bursting with life.  I will have the energy to expend on magical things.  I will have healed my long neglected body and soul. Maybe I won't be putting forth food or flowers, but I will be giving light, love, energy and beauty to the world. 

I know that I am transitioning just the way I am supposed to. How?  I'm calm.  I can't see the next step.  I don't have any guarantees, but I have faith.  Faith that I am growing just as I am meant to. And that brings me joy, peace and calm. 

I have loved ones that I send prayers and energy to on a daily basis.  Because they are still stuck in that moment that can't move forward. I pray they can find the courage to chase their hearts desires.  To pull their own weeds and trim their own flowers so that they can sprout again and grow with wild abandon. Time truly is fluid when allowed to be. 

I know... weird way of looking at things... can't say I disagree.  I simply write what comes into my heart and head and this needed to be written.  Be calm, the transition is easier than one would believe. 

miracle cure...

Laughter. 

Have you ever stopped to process how absolutely powerful and healing it is?  I have more time to think while working now.  There are no colleagues stopping by to chat or phone calls interrupting the rhythm of my stitches.  I miss the folks I worked with, but I am comfortable in my silence.  It gives me so much time to think, to process, to savor the steps I am taking.   

Not so very long ago I came across an article that talked about the healing power of laughter.  It's lingered heavy on my mind since I read it.  I have spent many hours quietly stitching and processing laughter's amazing power.  

When I moved here I was quite ill, I truly think I had forgotten how to laugh.  I giggled a bit with my son, he was so small then, no where near the grown man that I miss so much.  But true laughter had fled.  I was in a dark spot that was getting darker due to my health and life issues. 

Enter the wonderful human that would become my Hubs.  If you have met him, or had the pleasure of him in your life you know that he loves to see people smile and laugh.  He brings joy with him, even in dark times the sparkle in his eye stays present. Within 18 months of moving here I was stronger and on the path to wellness again.  I even regained my ability to speak properly, thank goodness! He always says he cured me. 

I didn't feel like I disagreed exactly. I gave more credit to love, stability, being off all the medications that the crazy docs feel will cure you... but that is a rant for another time... I hadn't given the laughter enough credit. 

Over time, I realized that the happiest couples, friends, families spent a great deal of time laughing. Giggles that turn into hysterical cackling should be the norm. Hubs and I spend a lot of time laughing.  We are always on the search for the hysterical in ever situation.  Sometimes it's there, sometimes the situation is simply too dark. 

My one sister and her husband are always laughing and cracking jokes.  They have been married over thirty years, they are always in their happy place.  Again, laughter. My sisters and I can fuss like the dickens at one another, but we are always bound by a lifetime of laughter and shenanigans, and that always comes through the darker, growth times.  It's like a strand of gold that holds us forever bound.

Last night we were blessed to have one of our favorite couples over for dinner.   Even with heavy conversations and navigating hard news we filled the night with laughter and joy.  Dinner ended up lasting almost 4 hours.  Sitting out back in the treetop garden, everyone talking and joking, we quickly lost the sunset and saw the moon rise.  The cicadas were singing and the air was filled with a comfortableness that only happens between dear friends. 

I always jokingly (maybe) say my dear friend is more like me that I am myself.  We are crazy alike in our thoughts, feelings, and actions.  I know she is one of my tribe, our souls have traveled this journey together many, many times.  I have missed seeing her daily.  I have missed long chats, stupid laughter for no reason at all.  Last night reminded me of that.  

The past few months have been crazy busy for both of us.  We'd only managed to truly touch base a few times.  As things settle, I am looking forward to many more times where we can either sit by a campfire, or in the treetop garden or... well anywhere and just laugh and talk. 

Hubs and I had a blast with them last night.  It was fun to have everyone doing bits and pieces of dinner together and simply enjoying life. I am comfortable in my solitude.  I am joyous getting to know and dig deeper into who I am, but I realized last night how much I miss my friends.

I treasure those moments.  Family and friends are the dearest gift life gives us.  As everyone is moving at a different pace, in a different step through this journey called life, we will not always have the ability to agree, to visit, to laugh, to love.  There will be times when the people we love more than life itself will not have the time, energy, grace, or even comfort to be together.  That doesn't mean we shouldn't hold space and love for them.  It doesn't mean we quit trying, it doesn't mean we close them out of our lives.  It means we still love them and we wait for them to be ready for us to be part of their world again.

I sent them a message last night telling them that we absolutely could not wait so very long to be together again.  It'd been over a year since we all sat laughing around the dinner table.  It will not happen that way again.

Laughter heals.  Laughter can make a lot of bad things feel not so bad.  The old adage that laughter is the best medicine is 100% accurate. Laughing with your tribe... best medicine ever!

Just a thought, find the time to be with your tribe.  Find the joy and laughter in every situation.  It's there.  The dark times are simply the door you have to go through to reach better times.  I never believed that until recently.  But as my eyes are opening, my heart is understanding far more than I thought. I am finding that having faith in the universe only wanting the best for us and providing what we ask for is very, very powerful. 

normal...

Hot coffee, beautiful roses and a morning spent spoiling the Hubs.  Perfect start to this beautiful mild morning.  He is loving having his "50's wife" as he calls it.  Sometimes I question if he is referring to the decade or my age, but in either case, he's happy. I am too.  I love taking care of him, our home, our garden... our life!

I'd gone to bed a bit early last night so I was wide awake at 4 am.  As you can imagine there really isn't much to do at 4 am.  So I put on my head-phones and engaged in an incredible meditation.  I love blocking out the world completely.  I cherish that bit of time where my thoughts are able to stop and I can simply exist. It's very powerful.  I'm not sure why I stopped making time for that bit of heaven daily.  I'd quickly forgotten how powerful it is.  Thankfully I am remembering just as quickly how powerful and important it is to my daily balance and health.

Since the Doc changed our eating style completely I am having to learn and relearn so much.  I am not complaining, as the changes have resulted in less inflammation (with arthritis and FMS those are a huge plus) and I actually feel better than I have for a long time. But eliminating all grains, soy and sugars is not an easy switch.  Especially when Hubs is wanting pancakes or waffles with syrup.  My absolute hatred of chemically made substitutes does not make the task easier.  I found a recipe for a sugar free syrup and decided to give it all a go.  The pancakes will need an actual griddle that cooks on both sides - as they are far too delicate to flip, but they made killer waffles.  And he loved the syrup, so I feel that it is score one for the home team!  

looks much prettier in a jar

Shortly, I will head back in the kitchen to prep for our dinner guests tonight.  I want to make a blueberry cheesecake - my sister brought me some beautiful blueberries that she grew and Hubs has been suggesting it for days. I'm also going to make a broccoli salad to go with dinner, then aside from making salads and grilling there will be nothing left to do except enjoy our friends!  We've missed them.  I feels like forever since we've seen each other and our schedules lately have collided like crazy.  

I've already worked in the treetop garden, had to get that done before the sun burst above the skyline. It is promising to be an absolute scorcher and I am so not a fan of heat.  Although I really can't complain.  The summers are getting milder here in the Lou, honestly so are the winters.  If the humidity would leave, it would be perfect - almost.  

My nemesis, Mr. Squirrel, was a busy jerk last night. I had a lot of repairs to make this morning, plants knocked over, soil dug up...  I get that he is used to climbing tree branches no bigger than my finger, but my tomato plants are simply not strong enough to hold his weight.  I've now wrapped the supports so they should be good and I've had Hubs move the feeder back to it's original position.  His clever fix, was not so clever, as Mr. Squirrel was busy climbing the tomatoes to reach the treats in the feeder. He evidently feels strongly about dining in the squirrel proof feeder. I imagine he feels pretty powerful outsmarting the humans. 

All in all, life feels normal.  After all of our wonderful travels and adventures this month I think my soul was craving a bit of normal. 

Still cleaning up a few odds and ends around my car.  We still need to notify the state it was a total loss and the finance company told us to notify the dealership to cancel the extended warranty - the things you don't think of in the moment. 

But mostly I am getting ready for next week. This time next week I will be almost done having my knee replaced.  That is an incredibly surreal thought.  I don't think I'm scared, probably by Monday that will kick in.  I'm excited about the end result, I can't wait to climb stairs and go for walks.  The idea of taking a hike in the woods is so exciting, I love time in the forest.  I can't wait to be able to go for bike rides again and to just play with the grands without worrying how much my knee can take before it complains and how long will it hurt like sin as a result.  I know that it will still have some pains, but to know that if I follow the instructions and do all of my therapy I stand a super amazing great chance of normalcy... that is an incredible feeling.  

Before the weekend I will have stuff prepped for Hubs, I don't want him stressing out with meals and worrying about what to fix.  I will have all my day to day stuff done so he won't have to worry, heck so I won't have to worry about what might be forgotten. 

I like the daily calm, the everyday normal.  I love not feeling rushed and hurried.  It makes such a difference. At my last reading I was told to meditate daily and simply go with the flow.  In the state I was still slightly in with my car being totaled I wasn't sure what they were referring to.  I was wrapped up in something else.  Now that I am passed that and moving forward, I am fairly sure I understand.  The world is swirling around us all, so much changes on a daily basis.  When I take the time to calm myself and go inward, I am able to process the chaos and not allow it to affect me strongly. 

I have to say I hope that for everyone! The world is changing, it feels forced, it feels intentional. It feels like we are being shoved and pushed down into things and thoughts that are dark and ugly.  We have the option to be dragged into the chaos or to rise above it and observe.  I choose to rise above.  I refuse to participate in the chaos.... 

simply flow friends...

points to ponder...

Are you living a full life?  Or one that just skims the surface?  That question has been rattling in my mind for a bit now.  I haven't really had time to write lately, no correction I haven't made time to write.  I've been far too busy living a full life. 

My world used to be very black and white so to speak.  Wake up, work, come home - fix meals, do chores, go to bed, start all over again the next day. Weekends were very similar, wake up, do remaining chores or just rest up for Monday, go to bed start all over again.  I would squeeze in things around that, but most of the time, it was a crazy hectic squeeze and things simply got left out. 

I have been crazy busy lately.  But all of it has been soul filling.  It has made me feel like a human.  I have had the blessing of time spent with family doing stuff I only dreamed about and felt jealous of the others for doing, chatting with friends, creating, and spending deep quality time with my sweet Hubs.  

I now realize that I have wasted so many years just skimming the surface, I used to get angry at family members and friends that pointed out the vast number of hours I committed to my career.  The comment of "you work too much", used to send me spiraling into a pit of anger and frustration.  I knew I worked too much, but at the same time, how do you not?

There are bills to pay, things you want/need?  A certain type of lifestyle that we enjoyed and it felt like it wasn't optional. 

The past few weeks, I have been living the life I envied.  Footloose and fancy free.  When my sister decided to come north with her grands, I was able to run away and enjoy the time with them, even stealing one of my own grands for the adventure.  These are things that never would have happened in the past.  I would have been glimpsing them through Facebook posts while on breaks, feeling left out, lonely and to use my daughters favorite phrase "in my feelings".  Saturday morning found three of us gathering for a quick breakfast before wishing the one sister a safe journey home. And somewhere in the middle of the day Saturday, Hubs and I decided we were heading off to our favorite float location and taking our annual birthday/anniversary float trip. 

My advice, and we all know what they say about advice, but anyhow... Spend a bit more time deep diving into life!

As we floated down the river talking, dreaming, laughing, planning, and experiencing being together it was incredible how much we found to cherish. Normally he has music on before we clear the launch, for some reason yesterday we savored the sounds of nature.  We had a few times that ended up being a bit rocky, the river was higher than it normally is at the end of July.  We spent far less time carrying our raft and far more time dodging successfully and unsuccessfully the trees that are normally higher over the water. Sweet Hubs is a bit bruised today, he took a few beatings maneuvering our raft off of branches and limbs.  My arms are sore, I am not used to fighting that much current.  

To me the trip felt so much like our journey together.  Today marks 18 years of marriage a point neither of us have achieved in the past.  It is a beautiful first! And to be living our life in such a deep and profound way... well it couldn't be better.  It was calm, peaceful, turbulent, had a few scares, there were areas of very deep water and a few spots where we hit rocks.  The perfection of the day came in the fact that together we both made the journey.  Together we are far stronger and more powerful than either of us individually.  We are a perfect team.  

Neither of us has to lead all the time, neither of us wants to follow exclusively, yet both of us willingly take whatever role is needed to keep us moving forward.  We have always leaned into one another's strength and we made a rock solid commitment to one another sitting on those horses overlooking the valley all those years ago.  

That is simply what you do when you find your soul mate. 

Our children are all grown, and yes they pop in and out of our lives now, but they have their own lives, families and friends.  They were raised to do exactly what they are doing.  Living their best lives.  When we are all together or together in small groups it is filled with love and laughter.  And we cherish it.

But the time that is just us... well... that is magical.  We are very blessed.  

I am thankful that I realized what a full life felt like before I'd wasted my "dash".  To fill my life bucket with love, laughter, experiences and joy is far more important than to fill it with money. Oh money is nice, it buys "things", but it can't buy the rest.  

Today will be busy, in fact the next week will be busy.  I have so much to accomplish before the 3rd.  So much to mentally prepare for.  And while I am rushing around completing my pre-surgery checklist, I plan to keep my heart and feet grounded in continuing to live a full life.  I don't know that I can ever go back to skimming life experiences.  I need the deep dive. 

be the garden...

Whew... I think we have been at a dead run for a bit now.  I got all of my "chores" caught up yesterday, we had a wonderful dinner with the oldest, her hubs and the oldest grand. And then we loaded up the back of our pickup with TONS of stuff for the new camper.  

The oldest just sold hers they weren't using it enough.  I think they were suffering a bit from the same illness we had the first time, their camper was simply too big.  You always think the kids are going to join you, that you are going to go on all these big adventures, etc.  Then the reality of towing a huge camper and no kids joining you kicks in and it stops being fun, it becomes drama and a chore.  That is why we refused to get a big one that was hard to tow this time.  Anyhow, they were awesome and gave us all kinds of stuff for our new home on wheels!  

aren't they adorable?

Sweet Hubs woke me up bright and early so we could take it out to the camper before he had to be to work.  Far too early for that.  I mean, not even a first cup of coffee.  I'm just playing, I was excited to get to spend a bit of time on her this morning.  Took some measurements, ordered sheets (I'm fussy about sheets) and spent the drive time searching for the things that will make it more personal and less.. well cookie cutter.  To truly make her ours!

After warming up my coffee I'd planned to head up to sew.  I have so many projects swimming in my head, and wanted to get busy.  Yet as I stood at the window, I realized the treetop garden was feeling neglected. I might have bothered a bunch of birds, but all the boxes are weeded, I harvested this years batch of cow peas and set them to dry (I'm thinking of planting a few more boxes with them) and finished tidying up.  

cow peas

I think the stress of the impeding surgery and my fear of not being able to do what I want is starting to dig into my head, hard! I know it will only be about a month that I will be completely slowed, but that month feels like years in my mental state right now, and the fact that I don't truly know the limits or constraints is making me a bit cranky. I remember Hubs through both of hip surgeries and I feel I can work around most of those restrictions, but I am not so sure about the knee.  Doc said it was harder.  I don't want it to be harder when "harder" is undefined. 

Okay enough of the pity party. It will be what it is, and what it is meant to be, right?

In a short bit, I will head up to my sewing room.  I have so many projects going on right now that I need some completion.  They aren't huge, but they are there. Hubs is almost finished with his project, it's going to be awesome!  But as he is a new quilter, so to speak, I need to be very present when he's sewing to help keep him moving forward. 

While we were in Paducah I stepped outside the box for me and finally bought fabric for a quilt for me. It won't take long to piece, I am going to use the same style I did with the one that my youngest grand has claimed, just bigger.  The shocking part is that it's for me.  I think I have lost track of all the quilts I have made over the years.  Every now and then in my sewing room I run across a pile of fabric leftover and remember another one that I made for someone else. There were so many I wanted, but I never got around to making.  I don't know that I will start this one until after surgery, I think I will use the time to clean up what's started so I don't stress. 

It's also time to start deciding on next moves. The slow two step is coming to an end, it's time to start lighting a fire under the ideas.  I need to start my Etsy shop and I am toying with the idea of getting a booth at The Painted Tree.  I just want to talk with my girl first.  I would like her help in bringing that to life, she is incredible at design and marketing.  Luckily, I won't be ready for a bit, because she travels like a crazed woman in the summer. 

For a few days at least, I am sliding comfortably back into my calm world. I have quilts to plan for several new additions to the extended family, I might have bought some adorable fabrics for those also.  I am so blessed and thankful for the time to create and follow my own passions and dreams. 

I also need to squeeze in a few soap making days, the stash is getting low.  Hubs is desperate for some avocado soap.  He won't eat avocado's without extreme protests, but he will definitely shower with it.  There are times he cracks me up. 

I'm super excited that I might be getting a commission to make a memory quilt.  I hope they decide to entrust me with their precious memory treasures.  Honestly, these are my favorite kind to make.  It fills my heart with joy and love to be able to help someone heal from the pain of loss.  To fill the stitches and work with positive love and healing energy as I create a quilt for them to wrap themselves in when life gets too big without the one you love.  The last one I made like that wraps my grand baby up in her Dad's love when she feels the need for his closeness.  There is simply something comforting about it. 

As I am moving through all these changes and different ways of thinking, I keep thinking about something I read something yesterday (several times ironically), "I'm tired of being the water, I want to be the garden", at first it confused me.  I struggled with it.  But as I sat with it for a bit and pondered the words I started to hear words from my reading in Paducah wrap around it.  I don't believe in coincidences, I believe that things appear when we are ready and we need them.  

2021 has been a year of changes and growth for me.  I can say growth now, because I realize the me sitting here typing today, is not the me of a year ago. I think I have finally realized that I need to be the one getting the water, the one that isn't doing for everyone else.  That has been my journey this year, I know that now.  I am definitely not finished growing, none of us ever is.  I am just finally learning that doing for other's (something I love to do) can be detrimental to me as a human if I am not also doing for me.  

My watering can ran seriously dry over the past few years.  I was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.  Yet in typical me fashion, I continued to try to pour out everything, into someone else's garden. I've learned it's not healthy, it doesn't make you happy and frankly it can't make other's happy either.  Because somewhere along the way you lose the spark that makes you magical. 

While there are moments I truly miss people that made up the every day fabric of my before life.  My current life fills and waters the garden of my soul.  

No regrets. Life should bring joy and happiness.  You should feel fulfilled, not drained.  My personal garden is being watered, is yours?

touching down...

We finally stopped late last night.  It would have been a much earlier night, but Hubs accidentally put the wrong city in the GPS and after two hours of wild back roads and craziness with our new toy we arrived at our destination several hours later than planned. But we arrived. 

Climbing into bed last night was incredible our insanity had led us to being on the road almost non-stop for two days.  Hindsight being 20/20 we should have probably hit a local shop bought toothbrushes and toothpaste, called the kids and rescheduled dinner and stayed the night.  We simply didn't want to miss out on the opportunity to see them. 

Kind of like driving to Arkansas for a bit of time over two days with the California kids, I mean, you just do it. I would have loved to have gone back for a bit more time with them these past couple of days, but their schedule was simply too fluid and we didn't want to intrude. This was Dad's visit, not ours, so needless to say, we didn't want to intrude. 

These past eleven days have been the longest, the slowest and yet the fastest I have ever encountered in my life. I couldn't write about it for a bit, I had to process it.  I had to be okay with everything. To find the blessings in the missteps and realize that everything happens for a reason.  

The day before we left for our vacation we sold the Harley.  It was a very difficult decision, but Hubs' hip replacements didn't get agree with even a couple hours on the road and my knees made riding miserable for me.  I never did tell him, but the pain was pretty horrid when we would ride, I just kept hoping for the best and kept quiet.  I knew how much he loved to ride. We still had the convertible for wind therapy so... it was all good. 

The first day of our vacation started with the loss of my beetle.  I know, it's just a car, but if you know me well, you know it was very special to me. Hubs and the middle (formerly oldest) grand were out driving while we awaited the Cali kids arrival.  It was hot and humid, time seemed to be standing still as it always does when you are waiting for something amazing. 

The drive to Arkansas had been glorious, it was the first time Hubs had made the journey in the convertible with the top down, the threatened rain never happened and the temperature was perfect!

When I got the call a few hours after we arrived, my heart might have stopped for a moment.  "I've had an accident, we're okay, but you need to come and get us".  My husband and grand daughter in an accident.  My car.  It would be days before it all played out, my beautiful blue bug will eventually be sold for someone to salvage - the damage is mostly cosmetic - unfortunately when you hit a fence at 50 mph and you fly over a culvert a lot of things deploy that make it a poor financial decision to keep it. 

Accidents happen.  And I guess I wasn't meant to have it forever, even if that was my original plan.  I've cried a million tears, I've run the gamut from fear, relief, extreme anger and hurt back to acceptance.  Only positive lessons learned, is my sweet Hubs can be a knucklehead - but only with the absolute purest heart, my grand daughter is a loving human that had the crap scared out of her.  The safety features of my beloved bug, protected my precious family to the extent of only a few scratches and some aches for a couple of days.  And finally, if you are in the market for new car - I highly recommend that final edition collectors version.  Who knew a car could appreciate. 

The Cali kids arrived a few short hours later, which probably immensely helped my ability to process and deal.  Disaster immediately followed by pure joy, is like that spoonful of sugar helping the medicine go down. 

We had two glorious days with the Cali kids, we laughed, we boated, we hugged, we shared joy, we talked about a million things, we shared smiles and more laughter.  It was good for the soul.  I miss my Cali kid so much! I feel whole when I have both my babies with me. 

Somehow in the midst of it all, we arranged our journey home.  Do you know there is a rental car shortage?  Oh there definitely is!  I called every single rental agency in the greater Little Rock area - not a single car was available for over two weeks.  Oh yeah, and a bus trip would be 17 hours and 45 minutes - you think I will ever complain about the 5.5 hours it takes to drive there again? Nope. 

We checked trains to no avail and finally decided we could fly.  Hubs came up with that great idea!  Thank goodness.  As Hubs was searching for flights, I was praying for a non-stop, I don't mind flying - I hate layovers!! He found a lot of great rates (far less than a rental car would run) somehow my numb brain remembered I actually have frequent flyer miles, left over from those precious "pre-pandemic" days when I could fly to Cali to see the kiddo's.  

I am pretty sure that was the moment that cleared the fog, the moment that said stop feeling bad and look at the silver lining waiting for you.  We were able to get a flight home on the day we needed to leave, non-stop and for the outrageous price of $11.20 for the both of us. I almost fainted!  I assure you I kept checking to make sure it wasn't a joke or scam.  Nope, for reals!

With the help of my family we took care of the details of my car, rides to and from the airport, Mom came to the rescue when the tow company would only accept cash, my nephew runs the salvage yard that received it and did everything he could to try and save it. My Hubs and daughter offered to help me fix her.  The blessings abounded. 

And if I had stayed in that fussy, okay bitchy, mood I would have missed it all. 

I was looking forward to the Cali kids coming up here to the Lou, but plans changed.  At first my heart stung, I was rushing around trying to get everything ready.  Looking forward to spoiling them a bit, making his schnitzel and just enjoying some one on one time.  But Dad and his side of the family hadn't seen them in a long while and wanted to hold on to their precious time and the kids needed it too. 

I spent a few moments pouting, my heart hurting.  Simply because I have missed them so. After a call from my girl, I started to heal, I understood. Looking at my to do list, I realized that their decision had given me the blessing of time. I hadn't been sure how I was going to get everything done before leaving to Kentucky to meet up with Hubs' Big Sis.  They had given us the gift of time.  We'd only be in town for two days and had so much to get done before leaving again. 

I received the call that my car was a total loss on the drive to Paducah.  That was a blow to the solar plexus.  I was expecting it, I knew it the moment I saw her for the first time after the accident, but to hear it.  Wow.  It took me about 6 hours to accept their offer.  

More blessings.  Never had a car appreciate before. Needless to say, the pay off allows us to be free of a vehicle payment when Hubs retires.  Mine and his.  I've opted to not get a car, I seriously do not go roaming about during the week and if I am desperate, my girl lives a 10 minute walk away and has two vehicles - she can't drive both at a time, all is good. Besides, in a few short days I won't be able to drive for at least a month.

We had an amazing time in Paducah, who knew such a small town could keep us so busy.  Big Sis hadn't ever been there and she is just as addicted to quilting as we are.  We'd missed her and couldn't wait to see her.  And finally deliver Lucille to her.  We'd planned on doing some sewing while there so we'd taken Sophia and Marty (Hubs' featherweight) with us, needless to say, it didn't happen. There was simply too much to do!  

Hubs and I arrived early, so we explored some to the quirky shops that speak to my heart.  I was able to get a reading with one of my favorites at Wildhair Studio's Rock Shop (if you are ever there... stop in, Susan and her team are incredible and the energy is healing!) My reading was enlightening and healing.  I needed it more than I realized. Christina is awesome if you go!

We found several artisan's shops that filled my heart to the brim.  And sat for a bit in the cigar bar sipping bourbon.  A first for me, but why not. I needed time to show Hubs my new treasures from the Rock Shop, a breathtaking sphere of labradorite (for courage and strength) and of course a new deck of cards. We were simply killing time waiting for Big Sis to arrive, and enjoying our precious time together.  Her journey was a bit longer.

It was so wonderful to have that time together with her.  I love watching Hubs blossom when he is around her, they have spent far too much time apart. And the three of us together leads to a lot of laughter, deep conversation, shenanigans and joy. We spent time swimming (pool was far too cold), talking, laughing, shopping, playing pranks, sipping moonshine (oh yes I found one I LOVE - no I didn't bring any home - another reason to go back!!), wandering the quilt museum, finding yummy places to dine and playing cards.

I hated to see the visit end.  I think that the kids changing their plans was a gift to our visit with Big Sis, it was unrushed and able to be embraced and enjoyed without guilt. It was our treasure!

Side note: HOLY MOSES if you are a quilter, or I guess just a sewing enthusiast in general, Hancock's of Paducah is an experience to not miss.  I believe we were in there for several hours. 

On Monday we finally found the camper of our dreams (unlike anything either of us had thought we wanted) and yesterday we finally brought it to St. Louis.  We were blessed again.  It's a 2019 and has only been used 3 times.  The dealer that serviced it was stunned at how new everything was.  Heck the plastic protection is still on all of the appliances. We are simply changing our recreation - we both love to camp!

Today... Hubs is back at work and I am faced with a house that has been used as a landing pad between journeys, stacks of laundry and tons of stuff to do.  I still need to deal with the few remaining bits for my car, I need to figure out the DOR and letting them know as it was due to have it's license renewed.  I have to get everything lined up and ready for when I have my surgery on the 3rd.  

In other words the world has returned. 

I was talking to one of my sisters during the chaos and she said something so profound to me.  She was definitely part of my mental shift.  I was in the midst of a pity party, my heart was still uneasy, I was feeling sorry for myself.  And she gently scolded me, she challenged me to look at things from a different lens.  I was listing the things that had appeared to be low spots in my life this year.  I was not loving 2021 by a long shot.  The covid/pneumonia and my hospital stay, the month of recovery, the stress of my former career, leaving my job, now the loss of my car and my impending knee replacement.  Yep, I was definitely having a HUGE pity party.  Yet as she switched it up for me it ended up looking like this...

* Hospital/Illness - I survived, I got to deeply rest (I was so exhausted at the time - probably why I got sick in the first place).  I was able to reset expectations of myself, to see myself as something more than a cog in the machine.

* Job - I'm happier than I have ever been.  I have had time to enjoy the things I love, spend time with my grands and family, go on trips that might not have happened, start exploring my future with clear eyes, head and heart.  I have time to take care of myself and my health, Hubs' too. 

* Car - everyone survived without injury, it paid off both vehicles and allowed us to finally make the decision to buy a camper (something we've been day dreaming about), it sets us in a great financial spot for when Hubs retires. 

* Knee - no more pain, the ability to enjoy doing the things I love again. I am able to heal and do my therapies without interruption so that I can heal completely.

If you are using the right lens in life the best things come to you. I was looking at the dirty outside, I wasn't counting the shining blessings inside that are now so obvious.  

I couldn't be more thankful.

It's been an insane 11 days.  We've packed so much into the moments.  The great, the not so great, the eye opening, the heart healing... so very, very much has happened in such a short window of time.  

I'll be honest, I am still processing.  I am still exploring every great thing this journey has brought to us.  And it's brought more than I can comprehend. 

Celebrate your life, enjoy the journey, instead of misfortunes look for what the hiccups prevented you from experiencing. And remember that each closed door was put there to invite you to look for something better that is waiting for you!