I just had too much on my mind.
I'm currently faced with a task that falls into my least favorite category. I know in my heart I am creating my own mental blocks and allowing other things to get in the way of completing the task. I mean, I am writing a blog post before 5 am to avoid it.
I know it is what stole my sleep. I know that even my sub-conscious is chatting with me about it. I simply don't want to engage. I can see the open tab, even as I'm writing this. It's lurking there, mocking me. It's truly soul sucking. Thank goodness that silly tab cannot blink on it's own, I am sure it would if it could.
Instead I am sitting here, hearing echo's from the man cave, Hubs evidently woke up early too.
I also freaked myself out trying to figure out what the odd scratching sound coming from the corner of the dark room was. I am not like Hubs, I don't turn on lights often. I enjoy the calming effect from the darkened rooms. I have evidently watched a few too many episodes of X-files. As I calmed down a bit and was brave enough to look - I've heard it several times before today - I realized that I was concerned over nothing more than the leaves of my huge plant in the corner being moved against the cold window glass by the furnace.
In the early morning hours I love to sit in my wing back chair at the bay window. It looks out over the common grounds, so nothing interferes with my solitude. Off in the distance I glimpse a few random porch lights, but that is all.
I truly am an introvert. I love the solitude and silence that I find on mornings like this. True it isn't getting that darn task done, but it is balancing out the chaos that I have been surrounded in. I read not too long ago that there is a word for people like me. Introverted souls that have to function in an extroverted world. I'm drawing a blank right now, but I found it to be a powerful definition of who I am and how I live my daily life.
I love people. In very small groups. I am never going to be that social butterfly. Always looking for the next mass event. I will be the one slowly backing away. I don't even enjoy neighborhood parties - at least not for the first 5 - 8 years I have lived there. I need to feel completely comfortable in my own playground to be able to play with the other kids.
Each day I surround myself with an incredible support system, put on my "costume" of invincibility and slide my "people" mask over my head. I am then ready to face the day. That sounds terrible.
But inside I'm screaming for the silence of my sitting room, hiding from humanity and longing for solitude. And it literally makes me laugh when people don't realize that is who I really am.
Ambivert! That's it. " Mateo Sol described ambiverts as... the neutral, middle-ground hippies... equally comfortable in situations where the introvert feels most at home and the extroverts are having a good time... They're emotionally stable. Extroverts are not easily influenced by outside factors while introverts are hypersensitive." Is it wrong that my favorite part of this definition is neutral middle-ground hippies?
I don't know who Mateo Sol is, but I love this explanation of how I feel as a human in this crazy race.
I'm still not ready to open that tab, I've drank a cup of coffee, enjoyed my solitude and I'm ready to face the day. I will finish that task this morning. Put it behind me so it steals no more sleep. And enjoy the people that surround me day to day. Starting with the Hubs who is ready for my attention....
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