processing....

I've started this one a few dozen times, maybe more.  The past few weeks have been filled with so much trauma.  Globally, nationally, locally, in my immediate circle.  I am finding myself pulling back, deeper and deeper into my own personal bubble.  I don't know that I know how to process everything I am watching happen.  I don't know that I know how to participate in a world that is so filled with hate and ugly, so full of desperation and anger.  The sense of loss is intense, it's everywhere.  Not all of it is human lives - although that number is far too high and rising rapidly.  

I've had a bit of a head cold for the past week.  Which has left me far too much time to absorb everything around me.  I'm still fighting it, and I definitely shared it with Hubs, I mean misery loves company right?  I've been intentionally blocking things at this point. Pushing myself to stop lying around and feeling miserable.  Making myself be useful, I can be just as stuffy and weary while working as I can laying around.  And when busy, I have less of a temptation to explore the darkness that is swirling. 

As I was making a jar of honey, cloves and garlic for my sister this morning, I had time to think.  In the silence rolling the garlic cloves to remove the skin, it felt like therapy. It gave me time to focus on things that I need to process, things I need to see my way to the other side of.  

Is anyone else feeling that the world around us is dark?  Filled with a density that feels off?  Where people are struggling, lost, unable to find their way?  There are deaths that are beyond tragic everywhere.  I'm not going to play the "whatabout" games that I see swirling.  No murders are okay.  A loss due to suicide is heart wrenching.  I mean I am the person that says a prayer for every animal I see that is dead on the side of the road, so that should help you understand where my spirit is. 

But it isn't even just deaths.  It's the reactions.  Three young people in two weeks have ended their own lives publicly here in our local area.  What in the world is going on?  When did we all stop valuing life?  Not just life the same as ours, not just live that agreed with us, or looked or prayed or... you get the point right?  The young people seem jaded to it.  The old seem weary.  

Personally, at least for now, I am having to pull into myself.  I need to work through the darkness.  And it isn't even just about death.  It's how ugly people are becoming to one another.  

Maybe I am a bit of a hippy, I don't know.  If you are a good, kind, loving person you are my tribe.  You are the ones I want to be around, that I want to experience life with.  If you are dark, hateful, malicious... well I'm definitely not sticking around.  I won't hate you, I won't do things that could harm you in any way, but I will definitely put distance between us. I want us all to live and let live.  I want for all of us to lift the energy, the passion for life, the goodness.  I don't understand the struggles. I am telling anyone what is acceptable, I am simply defining my acceptable. 

I know I'm not a "normal" person in today's world.  I understand that I am different.  I'm starting to question if the world might need more odd balls like me.  I am not trying to win any popularity contests, I don't really care about most of the things that matter so much to folks these days.  Come to my house and you are probably going to be a bit stunned.  I'll fix you a cup of tea, coffee, ice water - you name it - might be a bit lean on alcohol, but hey, we'll manage.  And then we can chat, we can explore tons of topics or ideas.  Just brace yourself. 

It's not pristine clean, it's healthy.  And possibly a bit chaotic for those that thrive on order and perfection.

My kitchen island is where I do a lot of my daily work.  There you will find an assortment of jars.  Some with healing mixtures, a tincture here or there.  Home made dog treats abound. Of course there will be the odds and ends of my freeze drying adventures, the samples waiting to be snacked on or used up. 

On the kitchen table (the one we never eat at) you will find an assortment of plastic plates with my chicken scratch on them telling you what seed is drying where. Currently they are all flowers, I might have developed a mild obsession.  The purple hulled peas finally finished drying and were put in storage jars today, so that space is clear for the next project. 

The freeze dryer is running and I filled trays of freshly harvested produce ready for the next batch.  I'm having to work quickly to be able to preserve the goodness before the season is over.  I want to be sure that my trips to a grocery store are few and far between.  I've become a bit radical about watching the chemicals that we consume, place on our skin or feed the pups. I try to control as much of it as I possibly can I'm tired of being a test subject for companies to make millions off of. 

My spare time is usually spent doing research on a myriad of topics that are no longer taught.  I refuse to throw in the towel and conform to this sterile and controlled world we seem to be evolving into. Learning about things that are important, yet hard to find information on is inspiring and educational. 

For example, Hubs had an appointment with his doc this week, he was curious to see her take on his thyroid.  A month ago, it was as swollen and painful as ever, the medication didn't seem to be helping at all.  I did a ton of research and asked him to trust my crazy.  He did.  For three weeks he's been applying the cream to his neck.  Doesn't seem like a long time does it?  Surprisingly, it's enough time that there has been dramatic shrinkage, to the point his doc took notice.  To the point that after many years of medication, it's possible that he will have it reduced at the next visit in eight short weeks. Sometimes the old ways are still the best.

I crave learning things that we are being asked or guided to forget.  Primarily because there is no profit to it (FYI - every time I see the word profit - my brain shows me a snippet of one of the Star Trek series - I don't remember the characters names - just the green skin and the huge ears - talking about how worthless something was because of the lack of profit - weird).

I will spend hours lost in those crazy, places.  They used to be lonely.  They used to be places where only those of us that are different spent time. Those of us that have never really fit in could spend hours there unnoticed.  Now they are brimming with brilliant people that are blowing the dust off of old texts and digging into the mysteries of the past, questioning and searching for actual answers.  Striving to be more connected to their own lives. It's fun and exciting to explore and learn.

I know I am avoiding the world for the most part, I hate it.  I want to be a part of it, I want to contribute to it's healing, I just don't think we're at the healing stage right now.  For now, I'm staying in my bubble.  I'll create, learn, expand my knowledge base and wait. The past is full of answers to move forward into the future with, if we look. 

Someday, we might just get to that healing point.  To a place where the different ones like me, have things to share with those that are searching.  I'll keep looking for the rest of my tribe and being generous with the ones I find.  Until then...

I unearthed a sweater that I started almost 4 years ago and it is my current project that I focused on completing. 

when you play so hard,
 you fall fast asleep

Don't mind me, I'm over here praying (as is my belief) and doing whatever I can to make this world a softer, kinder more loving place to be.... 

talk to you later... 

stay faithful...

b

in the twilight...

The sun is starting to head off for the day.  The beautiful autumn temps are creeping in.  I long to put on my hoodie lounging gown, but it is probably a bit premature for that.  Although I will admit to starting this beautiful day in a sweatshirt.  The time is coming!

By this time tomorrow Hubs will have been home for a bit, he'll have had his dinner and most likely be in his recliner - although I will try to convince him to enjoy the beautiful evening with me.  I've missed him. Yep, I still treasure silence and stillness, but I treasure our time together even more.  Although, I am glad that he was able to make the trip this weekend.  He misses his sister so much and she lives a good bit away from us, down in Alabama.  I always tell him to make a plan and just go, but we also know she is busy and getting a few days together is tough.  

Enter a birthday party.  His niece had a milestone birthday this year, it became the perfect excuse to head south. His visit was kept a secret.  I'm sure it was a wonderful surprise just the same.  It worked out great.  He got to see his sis and celebrate his niece.  I would have loved to have gone, but leaving Beau is far too complicated and nerve racking.  Finding hotels that allow two hefty pups is a nightmare, and only having a few days meant it was too much to drag the camper that far.  

Surprise! Happy Birthday!

He flew solo this weekend. Pups and I have been hanging out.  I'd love to say I was super productive with my solo time.  That I created all the quilts on my list and finished up all the other little things that have been lingering. I wasn't. 

Mom, we need to talk...

Truthfully, I simply rested.  I guess I needed it.  Friday and Saturday ended up being lazy. Lounging on the deck in the cool of the day, playing with pups, taking naps, and basically just being.  I mean I did do some random things and I even got dressed and ate real meals.  Talk about adulting! I have a bad habit of popping some pop corn and not wasting energy when left to my own devices.  

I am thankful that he had the time to go, I am thankful that they made time for each other.  Time is flying past, minutes should not be wasted. 

Tonight sitting out here smelling the remains of a fire, wondering if someone is roasting marshmallows, or simply gathering with the family for the evening.  I am a bit weary and a bit lonely.  While my pups have zero problems conveying their needs and desires, the are not the greatest conversationalists.  

pleading for treats

I spent the day with people - running errands and stopping at the quilt shop, taking the pups for a walk with our friends, chatting with mom, a couple times with Hubs, messaging with the kids, after a filled day the sudden stillness feels empty.  

Belle's approach is
so much softer

It doesn't help that I am tired.  I caught up on bunch of the planned things today, the dehydrator is full of chicken paws (Beau is very much aware), the freeze dryer trays are loaded with beef tongue, hearts and liver (yes they are spoiled). Laundry is done, house is tidy, errands are run.  I'm really ready to put my head on my pillow and count some sheep, but that has to wait.  Medicine times haven't passed yet.  So needless to say I am going to find a few more chores to keep me alert as I wait. 

The sun has set, I can barely see the keyboard, it's definitely time to call it a night.

Remember to make time for what truly matters.  Most of the things that surround us are distractions.  Things that steal away those precious moments.  Focus. 

much love, b

changes coming...

The sun hasn't quite cleared the trees here in the treetop garden.  I've been out off and on for hours.  It's beautiful as the temperatures start to drop, 52° is the perfect morning temperature for hot coffee and light sweatshirt and the sunrise. 

The pups and I have been enjoying the morning.  We had a buck come out of the trees to enjoy munching on some flowers and greenery, he brought two young does with him.  Watching them sit and enjoy the morning was so precious.  The birdbath was empty as I hadn't watered yet, so needless to say they didn't get the refreshing beverage they were hoping for.  I feel like a bit of failure, although I did not realize they were partaking of the water in the birdbath - heck I didn't know any creature paid attention to it.  It was here when we moved in and we just left it. It fills with the rain or when we water, but it's outside the fence line and we pretty much ignore it also. 

The sudden downturn in temperatures has caused both the sassafras and mulberry trees to start turning on their autumn colors. The bright red and the golden yellow are always the first sign of fall.  

I'm taking some time to enjoy the beauty, semi-planning my day and trying to not get dive bombed by our rambunctious hummingbird friends. The ruby-throated hummingbirds are back in town, which means they will all be leaving in a few weeks. I have definitely enjoyed my time with all of them this summer. 

Hubs isn't home today, so it's just me and the pups.  Truthfully, I don't engage much in keeping track of time these days, a Saturday could feel like a Wednesday for all I know.  And honestly I'm really okay with that. Telling time is truly a construct of man and the longer I don't follow along, the more useless it feels. 

I have a list of things I would like to do, I just don't know where to start.  I will probably load the freeze dryer with some of my precious herbs, I always wait too long to preserve them and then mourn the fact of would've/could've/didn't. The basil, rosemary and thyme are full and bushy, and with freeze drying it would be the same as using them fresh all winter.  I could also snip a branch or two of the lemon verbana and holy basil to use in teas.  

As I look around the garden I am realizing that I have quite a few jalapeno's, and we are a bit low on the pineapple cowboy candy.  Might pick up a pineapple and get some of that canned up.  The cooling temps are causing the tomatoes to finally ripen, the Marconi peppers are growing and getting big, and even the okra has decided it is happier with the mild temps.  

Somewhere on the list is a desire to try my hand at a non-toxic bug spray.  My beautiful citronella plants have gone crazy this year.  As I was researching it yesterday, I was stunned to find out you can also use it in baking and other cooking recipes.  I have to admit, I learned something new.

I also need to decide if I am going to run up to the store and get more chicken paws to dehydrate for the pups.  The collagen is so good for them, and they absolutely love them. Belle, Beau and Piper go nuts when that jar gets opened. 

Are they done yet Mom?  I can smell them

I'm finding it less and less enjoyable to go out and about, people seem to be changing. Compassion and empathy seem to be falling away. Or maybe it is me? It's not so bad when I go out with Hubs. I just don't feel good when I go out alone, it's so different. 

She has greater patience than brother...

I've also been doing more research on using my freeze dryer to further limit the stuff we buy premade and prepackaged.  I don't want chemicals in my food, I want real food.  I have a huge bag of beef bones that I picked up at the Pan-Asian Market.  I will probably throw those in the oven and roast them, and then make a big pot of beef broth.  After spending some time learning, I now know how to freeze dry that and then grind it into bullion.  

I mean soup season has arrived, I also have a new multi-grain bread recipe that I want to try out. I made a chicken mulligatawny soup for the first time the other day.  Hubs and I had been out for lunch and the restaurant had it on the menu, you know we had to try it, as neither of us had ever heard of it.  One thing led to another, and we will definitely be making it a staple of the soup rotation.  

I will probably spend a fair amount of the day up in my sewing studio, although I am tempted to haul it all out here in the sunshine.  I only have 3 more out of state quilts to piece before I start quilting all of them.  The next clue of my mystery quilt comes out tomorrow, so I need to get with it.  Remember I am easily distracted. 

I definitely don't understand anyone being bored.  Connecting back to the earth has been so healing for me. It fills my heart and spirit in ways I can't describe. Connecting back to life the way I feel it should be has been even more healing. Walking in the gardens, picking the beautiful zinnias that are starting to fade, enjoying watching the pups playing with the neighbor's pup through the fence.  Simply soaking up life. 

Who knows, I might just grab a book and sit out here in the sunshine and cool breeze all day, or my spinning wheel... or... yeah the list is fairly endless. For now, I'm going to enjoy my coffee, and watch my pups play.  

Being grateful for it all...

much love, b