It's 2:24 am. I've barely slept. In fact I think I might have napped. My heart feels like lead. The worry is wearing me down. I'm a mix of love, joy, anxiety, fear and a million other things that now is not the time to delve into.
So much has happened in the past week. Culminations. The past 20 hours, definite culminations. I'm stuck in a do I stay, do I go spot.
The mom in me... she's screaming. Tearing out my hair and causing me to feel like I want to throw up. If you aren't a parent, you cannot imagine this feeling. As a parent I cannot imagine it. It's been 30 minutes since I called to check on my child. 30 minutes since I was told I would get a call back. I wasn't asking for anything except for reassurance.
If I go will I be turned away? Will I be stuck standing in a cold hallway still waiting for answers?
Life is funny like that. It's brutal like that.
I wish I could be cold. I wish sometimes that I had the ability to turn my head and harden my heart. I don't have that ability. So instead...
I'm envious of the gentle snores I am hearing from Hubs and the boys.
Why can't I be a bit more pragmatic?
I should have known when I was told "...text you..."
There is a time, a place, and a reason for everything. I try so hard to understand and respect that.
I suck at it.
I hate that I can sometimes see things far too clearly. This is one of those times. Where the clarity is wrapped around a huge bubble of haze. Words, thoughts and actions are dancing around in my head and in my heart.
It feels like a giant ball of sharp glass. It's painful and beautiful all at once.