Tuesday, December 13, 2016

the journey continues...

It's 5:12 am and I am sitting here in my kitchen surrounded by the crackle and smell of Turkey's roasting.  I have to get 4 of them cooked and ready to go by tomorrow morning.  We're serving a holiday lunch for our members and as our staff team has gotten smaller, well... you get it...

I put them on about 2:30 am, when I woke up filled with anxiety.  My to do list at both work and home feels out of control.  Long and getting longer. Heck I still haven't done any Christmas shopping for my sweet Hubs and it isn't looking promising that my gifts will get bought or wrapped for Arkansas before my sister meets my daughter to pick them up.

I had planned on popping them in and going back to sleep.  Because 6 hours is truly not enough for a person to function on, but the brain refused to shut down.  The lists kept getting longer the more I tried to rest, sleep kept getting further away.

So coffee on and pen and paper in hand I got to work on those darn lists.  I'm sure a few people will be thinking I have lost my mind when they get to work and see I have sent emails if they look at the time stamps. I haven't.  I am regaining control.  A long time ago I decided that if I couldn't sleep I would not lay there giving myself a headache.  I would get up and use the time.  So...

My Gator boy is wandering around the kitchen sniffing the air, he loves turkey and chicken, he's ever hopeful that the wonderful smells mean a treat for him. His determination is definitely impressive as he rarely decides to get out of bed until 6 am.

I am anxious.

Hubs and I haven't been able to get our walks in, him because of his back, me... well I hate to walk alone and frankly I am meeting myself coming and going and not making the time to do it.   I miss that time together. It helps me sort out my world.  It gives me time to have meaningful, uninterrupted conversations with Hubs.  Where we can both focus on each other, turn off electronics and outside interference and simply talk.

This morning sitting here I finally wrote up my answers concerning YDPP for the marketing department. As someone that writes this silly blog and shares openly in it, I wasn't concerned that it would be difficult.  In fact I figured it would be a breeze.

It wasn't.  I guess subconsciously I knew it wasn't going to be easy.  Because I sure dragged my feet on it. Admitting publicly, open and honestly that I had allowed myself to slide down that slippery slope, that I had reached a point that I was jeopardizing my health and life because I didn't want to face reality.  Wow!
Reality Check... Thank you Facebook
Insecurity Check... Is this OK?
As I started typing this morning, I felt empowered and in control.  I am proud of the journey I am on, not so proud of the journey that got me to the point that I needed to be on this one.  I allowed life, excuses and choices to get in the way of what I truly want.  Do I want to be a size two... nope. Do I want to be healthy, energetic, pain-free, relatively stress free and just down right happy?  Yes!

This morning I had to face the journey down into the depths to be able to find a way to explain the climb up. That is humbling to say the very least.  No one wants to admits to being lazy, unmotivated, slovenly, and a host of other things that society has deemed far more dreadful than people find tolerable.  It's easier to blame it on external forces, its easier to get lost in the excuses.

Will those last 2.5 to 3 pounds to my first personal goal leave by December 31?  I don't know.  There are parties, beverages and traditions that I still want to enjoy.  Thankfully, I can enjoy them.  Because I didn't sign up for a diet, I signed up for a life change.  If I want to have a spiked hot chocolate, I'm going to. And I am sure at some point I am going to make a batch of fudge and definitely Russian Tea Cakes, because it cannot be Christmas without them.  My paternal Gramma sent those to us every year.  They mean Christmas to me.  Does it mean that I am going to mindlessly sit there and eat the whole batch.  No, but I will have a few, I guess this year I will share them.

This journey is teaching me to accept things, to realize I didn't slide down the slope over night, and I am not going to climb that mountain out of there in the blink of an eye.

It's teaching me that I have to force myself to make good choices.  That a long stressful day does not have to mean a full pizza and several soda's or beer.  I still have an occasional beer, wine, mixed drink (depending on my mood).  I can't truly remember the last time I had a soda of any kind and frankly I do not miss that at all. I hated water and now joke that I can tell when I haven't had enough.

Forcing myself to look in that mirror of self reflection is still scary and ugly.  I know there are going to always be times that I will want to hide stress, anxiety or fear in a tub of ice cream or some other treat.  The thing is, now I am learning to not do that. I haven't been too good the past couple of weeks at recording my food, maybe that is why I am stuck.  And walking has been on the back burner.  I am giving myself a pass for a few more days.  I just need to get through this week.  Come Sunday, I will be back on laser focus, until then, I am making smart choices and shooting for 10,000 steps a day. It's not an excuse anymore, it's ownership.

Unfortunately, right now, my personal needs have to take a slight backseat.  Not all the way to the back of the bus, they just can't be the driver.  My end game is still in sight.  As we slide into the New Year I will probably be changing my focus even more.

Looking at a few years ago and this Christmas side by side... powerful!

Getting there... Two year's older... look a decade younger...

No words...

I am going to be doing more exploration into what got me here, so I never return.  This is a road I've driven down, but it is definitely a bridge that I need to burn, there can be no return trip. I want Hubs and I to have at least a few more decades together!  I want them to be fun, full of energy and good health and rewarding.

I hope you will join me as I continue this journey....