chaos lurking...

I didn't want to get up this morning.  I guess I should have listened to that internal voice.  The one that said, just rest a bit longer. That soft whisper that was saying you really need to simply not start today right now. Did I heed that voice, of course not.  My brain had already shifted into high gear, my to do list today is long, filling the day completely.  So up I jumped.  Not ready, but ready at the same time. 

Sweet Hubs was definitely on his j.o.b., a steaming cup of amazing coffee was in my hand almost as soon as I came in with the pups.  I always go out back with them in the morning.  It centers me to stand in the midst of my treetop garden bathed in the early morning light.  It's always a bit before the critters start waking up so the only sounds are the lingering mysterious night sounds.  There is always the train in the distance and the miscellaneous sounds a mixture of cars, trucks, motorcycles and the occasional ambulance (we live in close proximity to quite a few senior living areas).

So far so good... coffee, watching Hubs play with the pups like he does every morning.  A bit of time to actually catch up on our daily plans before the chaos. 

Chaos definitely was waiting.  Shortly after our playmate pup arrives I always fix the pups their breakfast.  Hubs too, but today thank goodness he simply wanted coffee and cereal.  It was a complete blessing. I started heating the meat that was going in with their kibble, grabbed a bowl to put the rest of the meat in for later and I smelled something very off.  

My still sleepy brain couldn't place it sadly and moments later I walked barefoot into a fresh pile of very soft poo.  SERIOUSLY? Hopping around on one foot trying to clean it up before it was a bigger disaster, while trying to reassure the pup that it wasn't her fault and I understood.  I was engrossed with fixing breakfast and didn't see her frantic dance at the door. Thank goodness for Hubs jumping in to keep breakfast from burning as I hopped to the closest sink.  Who knew I was still so flexible?  I sure didn't.  After scrubbing my right foot, the sink and washing up the floor, I returned to the task at hand.  For a moment... because evidently her tummy wasn't feeling the best and she'd left another carefully place pile by the kibble container.  Yup, you guessed it.  Stepped straight into that one with my left foot.  Definitely a morning of repeats.  

I was seriously paranoid after those two events.  I did manage to feed them breakfast, wash up everything and get my day back on track. But, whew folks, that is not how you want a day to start. 

I'm taking a short break to finally have my breakfast and cool off.  We are moving into another extreme heat weekend, so I decided to be a sweetheart and mow the grass as the next few days are going to be much hotter.  Someone remind me why I moved to the mid-west, because this girl seriously despises the hot weather. 

I knew that Hubs would have tackled it for me, but he shouldn't be out in the heat either, and I also knew that time touching earth was going to improve the day. Before I mowed I gathered as much of the plantain growing in the yard as I could without killing the plants.  I had several that slid up from the earth with their roots attached.  I decided those were a gift and planted them in my raised bed.  Fingers crossed they grow and spread.  I will gladly part with that bed for a medicinal purpose.  Who knows that might become my herbal/medicinal garden next year.  If you come over as see a bed full of "weeds" don't be judging, you might be the next person to benefit from my "weeds".  As I was harvesting those leaves to get into the dehydrator, I also noticed that I have been gifted with some purslane, I may be transplanting some of that also.  

Finally, as I was finishing up with the mowing I noticed that I have a beautiful red rose starting to bloom.  The deer have left me so few to actually enjoy.  Day was completely reset. 

My to-do list is still super long and of course the mornings events added to it, but all in all it's all okay. 

Today will find me doing my chores, getting the plantain drying, chopping up all the beef hearts I was able to get yesterday - my pups LOVE them, and I need to get the trays in the freezer. I also need to get a few batches of plantain salve made up, I've been gifting it out left and right and need to make sure there is still some for our ouchies, itchies and the like. It will include planning my fall garden, yup we're hotter than Hades, but it's time to plan. And of course I need to get busy sewing.  Christmas will be here before we know it and I have quite an ambitious plan this year.  We'll see how it goes. 

Before any of that happens, I need to head up and shower.  Because I know me, I will dive head first into that list (yup, I know it doesn't all have to happen in one day) and slowly forget that I never got there until it's time for me to make dinner for Hubs. 

I guess my lesson for the day, has been to listen to that inner voice.  To know when it is trying to give you a solid warning and to slow down.  It was my own fault this morning.  I was so focused on tasks at hand that even though my brain, and several senses were warning me, I failed to notice.  

Thank goodness for the time in the yard and gardens, even it was hotter than heck.  I'm ready for the rest of the day. 

Ya'll have a blessed one!  And if you are in this hot bubble... stay cool and safe... 

much love, 

b

follow your dreams...

Getting ready to toss my now dead yellow roses this morning, I experienced a serious flashback in time.  Not so much about roses, but about passions.  I was laughing as I told Hubs he might think I'm crazy, but the dead roses are staying, as I excitedly showed him the new growth that was bursting forth from the stems.  Feeling a sense of wonder as I added water to the vase.  On the window sill sits a zinnia that I accidentally cut while trimming the edges of the zinnia bed.  It's also not only rooted, but has bloomed twice with a third one getting ready to burst forth.  I should plant it in the ground, but I am enjoying it's journey so much that I am struggling with the idea of doing so. 

This morning as I added the water, I felt drawn back in time to my 19 year old self, trying to convince my dad that a degree in horticulture was a great idea.  As he was paying for the degree, I allowed myself to be convinced that a degree in computers/data something or other was a better idea.  Just for the record, I despised programming languages, I failed to find any beauty in the sterile quiet of a computer lab, and the clacking of keys did not fill my soul with music or joy.  I didn't make it. I finished the year, and refused to do it again.  I was beyond miserable in that kind of environment.

Over the years I dabbled in various different fields, I did actually work in fields that required more knowledge than I ever wanted in computers.  I guess being part of the first wave of kiddo's exposed to home computers was too much for my nature loving spirit. 

It's not even 8 am and I've already been outside, I've already wandered through my gardens, marveling at the beauty, harvesting the bounty, collecting the spent flowers to be able to plant next year.  Shortly, I plan to gather more plantain leaves to dehydrate, I want to always be sure to have that awesome "magic salve" waiting for use.  It's such an incredible to know that I have the knowledge and skill to make such a simple salve that heals so many things quickly and painlessly.  So much has been lost to time. 

Oops, Hubs mowed, gonna have to
wait a week. Can you see the
plantain hiding in there?

I should have stood my ground, I should have followed my own passions.  For so much of my life, I ceded the oars of my life to others.  I gave up the things that filled my heart, things I longed to experience to be able to fit molds that others created and tried to push me into. 

basil

My front flower beds have now burst forth full of random chaotic beauty. There is no rhyme nor reason to the chaos.  The celosias are bursting vibrant red, they are definitely going to make it interesting to come in and out of the front door.  Each year they self seed further and further.  This year they are joined by the self-seeded coleus plants that are bursting forth everywhere.  The deep purple centers surrounded by the vibrant bright green. It's completely chaotic and fills my very soul with beauty and joy.  

coleus

celosias

This morning while enjoying the beauty a tiny baby bunny came dashing out from beneath the shelter of the massive celosias.

I'm at a point in my life now, where I understand what brings me joy.  My sweet Hubs figured it out a long time ago. When I was too sick to actually garden, he somehow understood my deep connection to my fingers in the dirt, to coaxing life into barren spaces.  He built me a raised bed that was high enough I didn't have be kneel down, where I could stand or sit beside it and work to grow whatever my heart desired.  That year it was strawberries.  I've never really mastered them on a grand scale, mostly because between birds and grand daughters they never produced enough to seem worth it.  

Slowly as I healed and became stronger, he added more.  We didn't have much money back then, times were a bit tough, but bit by bit he added to them.  He helped me till the soil, carry the bags and bags of dirt that filled those boxes.  I don't remember how many there where when we moved.  I think there were 8 in addition to that first waist high box.  I grew so many things, I learned, I experienced the peace that can only be found in the early hours weeding in the dew.  Harvesting the dew covered fruits.  

As time went on I began working far too many hours to tend my garden, it slid into neglect and disrepair.  Every time I'd wander to the back yard, I'd feel the sorrow that came from being away from it.  From watching it die from lack.  Lack of attention, time, energy.  I was at a low point, working far too many hours, at a job I truly didn't love or even like most days.  Missing my connection to the earth. 

When we moved and I left those precious beds behind, I felt like I'd left a bit of my heart there too.  The yard had a lone tree in the back yard when I'd moved there. There was also one in the front.  It felt barren, sad. Like I felt at that time in my life.  When we moved there were 17 trees, in the back yard alone, a full garden, roses and passion flowers everywhere.  The front yard burst with the beautiful red maple, more roses (a massive bush from a sad $2 Walmart special bought years before), hydrangeas and that giant pine that had started as a 3" seedling to commemorate the first camping trip that my boy and I took with Hubs.  It was growing through cracks in the rock road, soon to be crushed by tires when we brought it home. 

Moving to our new home I went a few years without a true garden.  I was miserable, I worked at jobs that I was rapidly realizing were draining me, not fulfilling me at all.  My joy was random pots sitting on the deck with a few miscellaneous plants struggling to survive my work schedule.  

miniature zinnias

zinnia (isn't it gorgeous?)

Here we are 11 years later, the garden is my happy place.  Listening to the cicadas waking each morning is like a symphony.  Punctuated by the call of the birds to one another, my sweet little hummingbirds telling me good morning as the dart between the bright red feeders and flowers.  

still more zinnias

 and more zinnias

Hibiscus Okra - beautiful and delicious

Today I will make some cowboy candy with all of the jalapeno's I harvested, grown from tiny seedlings.  This year I added the flowers and the elderberry trees to our little backyard paradise.  Why did I wait so long.  Life needs beauty as well as function.  The flowers bring all of the pollinators to the yard.  My neighbor told me last night how much she enjoys the beauty of the flowers, that she sometimes sits and watches the butterflies and finches dancing through the literal piles of colorful unruly flowers. 

chocolate cherry tomatoes

might have a few more ready to pick

petunia that never found a home

this mornings bounty

cow peas close to harvest time

I understand her joy.  I understand the beauty.  Here in this last phase of my life, I finally understand following your passions.  I intend to enjoy every moment of the beauty.  To learn how to use the gifts from the earth to enhance life.  If my neighbors with their sterile green lawns want to live in a sea of poison to prevent those gifts, I will understand and support their choices.  Me... I'm going to have a lawn that is crazily diverse, filled with plants that offer more than simply their beauty.  I will treasure the frogs and skinks that move about the yard. I delight in the butterflies, moths, plethora of different bees, the birds that the others miss out on and the fireflies at night.  I will still be panicked when the big black snake makes it's appearance, while being thankful for it's contribution to the garden just the same. 

the protector of the flowers

the guardian of all she sees...

I wish that the 19 year old me had had the strength of conviction to follow through on her dreams.  I wish that she had been able to bravely speak life into those dreams.  A lifetime of patio gardens had to substitute.  Even now it's simply my treetop garden, but the joy is exponential. 

even in the fading, the life circle continues

Follow your dreams, learn the things that fill you with joy and once you start never stop... 

love and peace, b

as sixty starts...

I'm often in awe of how quickly time seems to be rushing past. This morning sitting on the deck, in the midst of the garden I felt inspired to write. Nothing special, simply drawn into the day, the moment, the peace surrounding me.  Somehow since the last time I sat down, I have managed to start not only a new year, but a new decade. Somewhere in this short time span it feels like so much has shifted.  

The past two days I was bone weary, I just didn't want to do anything.  Today, with the sun shining and loads of energy, I have been busy in the gardens.  Harvesting not only beautiful ripe vegetables, but the seeds that will provide the next seasons bounty.  If you've never harvested radish seeds, it's quite a time consuming experience.  And I admit, I am very thankful to be finished for the season.  This year didn't provide as many seeds as last, but it provided more radishes, give and take right?

I'm feeling a strange sense of detachment and peace all rolled into one.  I am spending time with people that fill my bucket and I pray I am filling theirs as well.  Hours have vanished in silence while painting, quilting and just living a creative life.  Time has been so fluid. 

As I am moving into this final chapter of my life, because lets be real, when you turn 60, there are definitely far more years behind you than there are ahead of you, I feel peace. 

It's strange.  I love my life, I am blessed to have a husband that provides me the ability to chase my dreams, garden and care for him, my home, my pups and the family as a whole.  I am not forced to choose between a career that I loathed and a family I love.  I never wanted a career at least not a conventional one. I have forever wanted to be just what I am a homemaker. 

At the moment I'm waiting for the final section of the yard to have it's morning drink and then I will head up to my sewing studio.  I have a list of projects that I am intent on finishing this year.  Or at least making a big dent in.  My creative eyes might be stronger than my actual ones. 

I'm starting off this year dealing with a challenge in my vision, a challenge that I have complete faith will resolve (hopefully on it's own - without medical intervention).  It's creating a few speed bumps, but nothing I can't or won't deal with. Mostly just super frustrating at this point. 

As I deal with the current slow downs, I have fallen in love with planting zinnias.  How have I missed these beauties all of my life? I am gathering their seed heads for next years garden at an alarming rate, I might not have any grass next year, just so I can enjoy the beauty of the flowers. The butterfly's, bees and hummingbirds are in heaven also.  Watching them flit from flower to flower in my massive mess of a flower garden is like a salve to my very soul.  If you want any seeds for your own garden, let me know, I will be happy to share the beauty.

The world doesn't seem to be getting calmer, in fact it seems even more self centered and chaotic.  It's a place I am actively refusing to allow into my personal bubble.  Even when forced to participate in the world, I find myself backing away from most folks.  Anger, aggravation and frustration seems to radiate from some people.  I would hate to be that mad at life. As I pull back from those people, I am finding more and more friendly, loving and caring people entering my life circle. 

People that care about those around them.  People that want to take a moment to walk through some of the crazy things that I do.  People that don't look at me like I am crazy as I hand them an herbal salve to heal a wound or offer them bounty from my garden. People that are in the same place I am, learning that not everything we've been told is really meant for our best purpose.  The ones like myself that are chasing natural solutions to things, that want to heal the planet and our very selves.  

Hubs has always said I am a hippie that doesn't do drugs.  Many times I questioned if that was a complement or not.  All the while knowing that I was the little girl that 100% dreamt of growing up and being part of a commune of people supporting one another.  Engulfed in a natural world.  He must not mind my crazy because we also somehow managed to celebrate 22 wonderful years together in the past month also!

Here I am starting my sixties allowed to be that person.  No, I'm not selling my house and moving to a commune, I'm not that people friendly anymore.  Yet, as my graying hair creeps further down my back, tied in a bun during the day and I look in a mirror and realize that I might have actually forgotten how to wear make up, I am more than okay with it.  I realize my life is finally what I dreamt. When I slip on the long dresses that I love, slide my feet into my birks and get ready to start the day, I seem to just know I've arrived. 

My days are filled with the strangeness that I have forever longed for. I have freedom to create in more ways than I can even begin to acknowledge, yet most of it always benefits others at the same time as it is filling my own spirit with contentment.  If I lived in the woods, I'd probably have folks thinking I'm the crazy slightly off lady at the end of the road, but since I actually live in a nice suburban subdivision, I'm just the weirdo that won't poison her lawn and spends hours creating.  I can live with either description.  I have finally started the life I was always meant to live.  

Who wants to settle in with a cup of dandelion tea and discuss gardens, sewing, cooking, herbal remedies and natural solutions, heck the list is endless?  One of my sweet friends got me a new teapot for my birthday and I am always ready to make a pot of tea and settle in for a meaningful conversation or activity. 

Well, watering is done, the pups want a quick outside break before the heat of the day and it's time to get busy... 

much love,

b

patience...

It's another beautiful, mild summer morning.  The kind that is full of promise, well until at least noon, then it will be warm and humid.  I'll take it.  As I've been moving through my morning, I've had  overwhelming thoughts today.  The word slow, it feels like a mantra today.  Slow. 

It's been just over 4 years since I came home to be a homemaker.  It's been such a beautiful transition.  This morning as I flitted around, watering the gardens and grass, harvesting the first blackberries after 2 full years of babying them, fixing breakfasts and starting ice cream for dessert I feel content. 

I feel like I am finally at the spot I've always wanted to be in, I just took the seriously long way around the block to get here. The slow road. 

Even when we are tiny kids going into kindergarten, we are being programmed, our schooling is so much different.  I was watching a beautiful video the other day of children in a Chinese kindergarten, I wished that peace for all children starting on their journey of learning.  They were painting, drawing, weaving, sewing, doing embroidery, cooking, gardening, creating in all manner.  No one was being taught to sit still, there were no circles it was a warm and inviting place full of curiosity.  I was so enthralled I watched it over and over again.  Outside of school that is how my own grands have been raised.  To try things, to enjoy learning at their own pace and with a self driven passion.  It's nothing to find the Dragon using power tools and painting or planting a garden that her mom isn't aware of until it's there. 

Now I have no idea what happens outside of that small snippet of time and it wouldn't have mattered where in the world that video was taken.  It was the beauty of watching the learning and growth. I might have a very different idea of education, if I had been in the space I am in now when my children were young, I am sure that I would not have sent them to public schools.  I would have definitely had free range kids.  

But that isn't what this is about.  I feel, and maybe fear, that we have been completely programmed to be worker bees.  To be productive, to feel comfortable and safe in a 9 - 5 window of time, being told when we can use the restroom, take a break, eat our lunch.  Free thinking and doing things the way that you feel most creative and productive is frowned on.  

I didn't like school.  It brought on strong feelings of control, I felt claustrophobic.  I felt that we were forced to fit into spots that didn't feel natural.  I was that kid that sat there, daydreaming, staring out windows, doodling, being anything but productive. It felt like punishment.  Square peg in a round hole syndrome.

I've spent 4 years unlearning a lifetime of programming.  When to sleep, when to wake, when to do, what to do, who to interact with, who to avoid.  In these four years, I've been solitary for a large part of the time. There have been a handful of friends that I have allowed into my space. A space filled mostly with my sweet Hubs and my pups.  

the center of my world ❤

It's been slow.  

I sleep when tired now, it's not unusual for me to be up in the middle of the night, or taking a quick nap in the afternoon.  I don't live a "schedule and time" philosophy any longer.  I have to work hard to remember what the day of the week is.  Not because I worry about a Monday - Friday schedule so much, but because I don't care.  As long as we remember to put out the trash once a week, I'm good.  Yet, in this midst of not caring, I am busier than I have ever been, and feel my spirit soaring from it all.  I take days of rest, today is one - after a string of days of heavy and intense work, I am weary and plan to sew and/or paint the day away for the most part.  I will still make meals, I still tidied the house, but I am making time for beauty in my spirit and world.  I am going to spend time creating.  I need it.

The days of squeezing in must do's on the "weekends" made life far more stressful.  There was no peace in that, no time for the spirit to recharge, to reconnect with self and earth. 

how cheerful is that?

Sometimes Hubs spends weekend time helping me with projects that are bigger than I can handle alone, like this weekend when we rebuilt our little front bench.  Taking it from worn, broken and tired.  To sturdy and vibrant red. We started it early in the day on Saturday, scrubbing, replacing wood, sanding it and then painting it.  We'd moved it into the garage as the weather was spotty.  Sunshine, rain, sunshine, huge storm.... that was the rhythm of the day.  As we waited out the last two meds of the night for our Beau, we sat in the garage together, talking while painting.  It was priceless time.  I didn't need his help by that time, I cherished and needed his company and the quiet uninterrupted time together. 

see the old tired color in the corner?

We used to do that more when we were younger and I hadn't started working outside our home.  Then as my career choices started to consume our lives, it faded into a blur of exhaustion and disconnection.  Thankfully, while his career has spurts of time where he works stupid long hours and our life is semi on hold, it is rare.  He has a flexibility that I did not have.  For me there was a time that a promise of lunch together never happened.  He would show up with lunch for us and end up eating alone as I worked through that precious time. 

Now, because of the changes, we have lunch together about 98% of the time, we spend our mornings together and evenings belong to us.  As does much of the time during the day, even though he still works full time.  We have flexibility to chat throughout the day, to see each other at odd moments.  My "job" allows me to pause whenever he has a spare moment.  To dip out for an ice cream in the middle of the afternoon or simply pause and enjoy one another's time. 

Slowly, much like the garden grows, life has evolved into something precious.  As I picked the first blackberries this morning in the early morning dew before starting the sprinkler, I couldn't wait to share the bounty with Hubs.  He'd been doubtful we would enjoy any of the harvest. Birds, deer, bunnies, he figured they would enjoy it long before we did.  His reaction to the little basket of berries was priceless. We've watched them for months, from flowers, to hard green baby berries, to soft red, to deep red, to black... it's been slow, it's been calming.  

The lessons we've learned from the garden.  

As I watered this morning, I took note of the changes.  I have so many baby tomatoes, peppers, jalapenos, there are more green beans to pick.  At least in the treetop garden.  I think the neighbor had her yard sprayed for broad leaf weeds on a windy day, all the green beans in the lower area are struggling hard.  The leaves are shriveled, there are no flowers, they are still growing, but painfully. 

first harvest of the season

I don't understand why we feel compelled to spray chemicals around us.  To poison the earth, to destroy.  But that is their choice not mine.  My yard is never going to look like a golf course, for which I am thankful. At night I have the joy of seeing firefly's, although my neighbors yards are missing them.  I have tons of bees of all types buzzing about.  The Japanese beetles are the bane of my garden, but I will silently pick them off my plants in the early hours when they are still and dispose of them in a bucket of soapy water.  They are not native and are destructive to our ecosystem. 

Guess it is kind of like we are programmed to do the things.  We are programmed to want that pristine lawn.  So many things like that are everywhere now... the sadness....

Before the sun ever rises, most days, Hubs and I have already shared some of the richest time of the day.  I will have tended gardens, prepared breakfast, we slowly move through a space that is there to be cherished. 

Taking notes, while wandering in the gardens, of what needs dealt with and making a plan in my head as to when I will take care of it.  I realized that I finally feel complete.  My days are now a mix of have to's (some things are simply a necessity) and want to's.  When I worked full time outside the home, I started to read a book, about taking back the weekend.  I never finished, it was simply depressing.  I knew with the path I had followed that was a fairytale.  My weekends were solely preparation for the week ahead and dealing with issues all weekend.  There was no peace to it, and there was definitely no taking it back. 

Hubs is off this weekend, he has three days off for the third weekend in a row and we are stumped.  We long to go camping (but its HOT with far too great a chance of rain for most of the weekend), we thought about visiting one of our favorite cities, and bum around - but again it's HOT! Who knows after a week spent doing deep cleaning and chores, we might just spend the weekend relaxing and resting. We have that luxury now.  We might not have as much disposable income these days as when I worked outside the home.  We definitely have a richer life.  

Well, as much as I am enjoying pondering and thinking out loud, I think it's time to fix myself a big glass of ice water with lemon and start on the things I want to do.  I might combine sewing and painting.  I can start the painting and do some piecing while it dries?  Sounds like a good idea to me...

Cherish the moments, stop being drawn into some of the ideas that are out there and simply live a good life.  I cannot recommend it enough... 

love and prayers... 

b

easily distracted...

I'm fairly certain I should never be left to my own devices, especially in a home filled with everything to feed my creative mind. For almost a year, I've been daydreaming about making a lighthouse for my garden beds. The passion developed after seeing the one my daughter had at her lake house.

I used to make garden decorations out of clay pots what seems like a lifetime ago, there are still a few random half painted small ones stuck on shelves. But as usual, I moved on to something else, never quite circling back.  To make things even more enticing, my daughter gave me a box of gardening pots, peeking out of the box were several clay pots.  

For the past few days, I have been completely wrapped up in creating.  Digging out supplies from various spots that I had hidden them. I still needed a few pots and sauces to finish the lighthouse shape, easily solved by a quick trip to the garden center. 

One of my sisters planted an idea in my head yesterday, one that I cannot past.  I am probably going to make a trip to the garden center for a few more pots.  I am not going to be able to get it out of my head if I don't.  I need to make that lighthouse, it needs to leave my mind. 

Glowing in the darkened garden

Puffin Pass sits in the lower garden area

Somehow in the midst of all the painting, I am still keeping up with the gardens, canning, freeze drying, quilting and all the other things that drift in and out of my thoughts and life. 

If you have never made your own maraschino cherries, I'm going to highly recommend it.  I made two types, one with Luxardo liquor, perfect for old fashioned. The majority of the jars are alcohol free, these were made primarily for my sweet dragon. She loves them. 

I am finding myself in such a peaceful space.  I am feeling the world changing all around me. The quiet space I'm creating is calming.  It's peaceful.  

In the cooler early hours the morning, Hubs and I worked on our yard.  Neither of us can handle the extreme heat, so we are thankful that the current heat wave has started to fade.  I managed to get all of the flower beds weeded and Hubs was able to fertilize the yard to help it deal with the extreme heat of summer.  I'm questioning why they even sell fescue in this area, as it is a cool weather grass and our weather is definitely not cool in the summer.  I find I question a lot as I age. 

For years I have ignored our lower yard, I'm fairly sure I have mentioned that.  It just didn't draw me in, it didn't invite me to spend time there, so I never really put energy into it. Each bit I put into it, tempts me to do a bit more.  To create a private small paradise. 

While the creative side of my heart is filled creating this personal space, my mind is filled with something entirely different. 

Lately, probably as a result of watching everything around me, I've been pondering the immense disconnect and lack of true community spirit that seems to be spreading. I am not usually an overly outgoing person, I know that I am completely comfortable alone.  Yet I do enjoy people.  

A neighbor reached out on our neighborhood Facebook page, sharing that she was a widow and newly retired, feeling a bit lost without a support group.  While out of town last summer, I couldn't reach Hubs for hours and the only neighbor I had contact info for was not in town for the day, the stress was incredible.  Yesterday listening to a podcast someone asked a question about what do you do as an "elder orphan". I think it struck me hard, simply because the point was being driven home that we do not have the communities we used to have.  The connections. 

There is something positive to be said about the old fashioned small town mindset.  I grew up on military bases, same kind of mindset. You shared skills, you supported each other, you were there when someone needed something.  No one walked alone.  

In that past few months several of our neighbors have moved (I never even met them), new families have moved in.  The last few I have made it a mission to get to know, even striving to learn and remember names. Baby steps. I am forcing myself to step out of my bubble, to create connections with the people that are in my immediate area.  To support those around me in whatever way I can or feel comfortable with. I'm still basically more comfortable alone. 

I now babysit a pup during the day, so her mommy can go to work without worrying about her being alone. She lives a few doors down. I've helped neighbors with their yard work, Hubs and I have pressure washed driveways and sidewalks.

I don't know why I'm feeling drawn to reach out, but I am.  A couple of our neighbors would like to get together to make fresh pasta and have a dinner together.  I love this idea, strangely.  I feel like many are starting to long for that sense of community.  Maybe we are moving past the closing our doors, putting up barriers?  

Only two are actually mine

For now, I'm going to continue taking small steps.  Creating beauty all around me.  And finding a way to create community.  I feel quite strongly about it.  I don't know why... I just feel very drawn to do it.

What do you think?  Am I losing my mind?  Is the world changing so much that I am grasping at the past or is there actually a need in this crazy world for us to come together, to stop all of the division?

Time to get back to work... I will ponder this later.... besides, I need to paint another lighthouse...

seclusion...

It's just a touch past 8 am... I already feel like I've put in a full day's work.  This heatwave (better known as summer in the mid-west) is in full force.  The humidity is unreal, making it seem far hotter than it really is.  I get up super early all the time, it's who I am.  During the season of ick, better known as summer around these parts it is a pure blessing.  I accomplish all of my outside tasks in the early morning coolness as the sun just starts to lighten the skies.

I have one set of garden beds that are still drinking in the semi-cool water, I'm giving that one a few more minutes than the rest.  My poor hydrangeas are seriously protesting this season, longing for the cool, wetness of spring time.  They are being complete drama queens, laying down each afternoon in complete surrender, offering up their tender leaves to the heat of the afternoon.  Pleading for an extra pitcher of water to quench their dire thirst.  Only to be fresh and beautiful in the morning light. 

Will the pretty blue make it... not this year.

Yesterday was spent in the kitchen, we'd picked up 20 lbs of Georgia peaches and 10 lbs of Washington cherries over the weekend and I needed to process them all. I still have about 5 lbs of peaches to go, but they are destined for a few cobblers and any that are left will be canned or freeze dried to savor later in the year when they are not readily available, we'll be able to open and enjoy a taste of summer.  

I've been experimenting with my freeze dryer, having moved on from making candies for the kiddo's.  Now its fruits and veggies.  I've fallen in love with freeze dried fruits, the intensity of them is unreal.  There is a batch of peaches in there right now, and cherries are on trays in the freezers waiting their turn.  If you have never tried freeze dried cherries, I highly recommend them! I started on the fruit journey a few weeks ago, when my dear friend and I crazily decided to go blueberry picking.  Over 11 pounds of fresh blueberries later, I definitely had to do something before they went bad.  Next I'm hoping to try some veggies, I've heard they are the most delicious chips when done correctly.  True veggie chips... 

This season has brought me another precious surprise, my Rose of Sharon is finally in full bloom again.  As I stood there in the quiet watering it this morning, I was remembering the first time I knew what it's name was and how much I treasure it.  My oldest and closest friend was here for my 50th birthday, and as we stood outside she told me what it was.  The next summer my grandson damaged all of them while trying to remove the honeysuckle that was taking over everything on the hillside.  I feared they would never return.

For years I've had a random bloom here, a random one there, but never a full covering of the beautiful flowers.  This year is different.  This year is brilliant. I just wish I could photograph it for you to enjoy, sadly, there are so many trees behind it that it fades into the background. I would love to have even more of them, anyone ever successfully grown one from seed?

skeeter plant anyone?

chocolate cherry tomatoes
maybe by July 4 

the holy basil is incredible this year
may be able to harvest for teas

I've really been wrapped up in my garden, yard and house this year.  I've felt a strong need to simply be.  I'm not engaging in much.  I'll glance at the news and socials off and on, but mostly I'm not.  I feel like so much is playing out all around us and I don't want to participate. 

Maybe that is selfish, I'm not sure.  Maybe it is more a case of self-preservation. I'm tried of the ugly, the insanity, everywhere.  I hardly go out and about because it is like a blanket over humanity.  I'm tired. 

I took the youngest grand to the pool the other day. I walked in circles in the lazy river, following her ever bobbing head as she stayed just ahead of me, I was subjected to so much taking place all around me. I was stunned.  The conversations, loud and obnoxious were distasteful.  The ugly was strong.  

I watched so many parents/grand parents... who knows maybe babysitters or siblings, show up with kiddo's not much older than our dragon.  They would put their stuff on a chair, tell the kids to go play and sit down with their phones, never once reengaging with their children.  I watched kids longing for attention, doing everything they could to get some.  It was heart breaking. Because when the cute stuff didn't work, they settled for bad and mean, anything to get the person ignoring them to have to engage. 

Waiting in line for her snack, we were forced to listen to a high school boy, intent on "impressing" the bikini clad girl.  The profanity in the midst of all the kids was so intense, he loudly vocalized thoughts on maintaining a job - disheartening, what girls wanted in a guy (he has a lot to learn I'm afraid), how school was a waste of time (hmmmm), and on and on, it was a long wait in the direct sun.  It was so bad that dragon asked to go play in the water nearby and she would come back when I got closer.  

There is just so much that is overwhelming.  I understand that things change, that each generation has to find their own rhythm and make their own rules, but dang... Young man, just showing up and doing as little as possible, is probably not going to move you forward to self sufficiency, especially since you feel that an employer cannot fire you as long as you are simply there.  

I often tell Hubs that it is our generations fault.  He's a boomer, I'm the first of Gen X.  We were the ones with the super strict parents, with good reason, but who can see that as a kid?  We were the original latch key kids, the ones that made our own way, as long as we were home when Dad whistled and those street lights came on. We rebelled, we didn't want that for our kids.  Hmmmm... wondering now if a bit of restraint in that area would have been good.  

a little nap on the ride home...

It all moves in cycles, the weather, growth of people, decline of people, money, economies, governments, education, the list is quite endless.  We are going through a very interesting time.  I'm sure we survive it, I'm sure we find commonalities and the like.  I guess I am becoming an old woman (yikes, I actually had the young kid at the pool tell me I was a senior the other day, I am still over a month from 60 thank you very much). 

For now, I feel strangely drawn to the peace I find in my own little spot in the world. Time with Hubs, chattering about hopes, dreams and plans. Puttering in the gardens, saving seeds for the next season.  Spending hours working on quilts and other art projects, feathering my nest with beauty. Spending time in person or on the phone with dear friends.  My life is full.  I don't need the chaos of the external world.

Before the summer is over, I hope to make a few barn quilts, I want to hang them on my backyard gates.  Slowly but surely we are creating a peaceful, sanctuary/outside living room on the lower patio.  Some of the work will wait until it cools in early fall.  

Now that the grass and flowers are growing where the Bradford pear tree used to stand, it's so enjoyable to sit down there. Once the temperatures chill off a bit, we will build a lattice wall to grow some clematis on. The one thing we've noticed is that in removing the trees we have forsaken a great deal of privacy.  A living wall will be beautiful. I may even paint a few smaller barn quilts to hang on the concrete walls, although I would truly love to paint the walls, the concrete is simply ugly. 

Ahhh... plans. 

Since Hubs is not home for lunch today, I'm going to plant up the planter he just got me and head up to the sewing room for a few hours.  I have a lot I want to accomplish and this brutal heat is definitely leading me inside to hide. 

I hope you are finding the pure beauty in your lives....

love and prayers, b