As I was busy fixing Hub's breakfast muffins yesterday this was my view. He was sleeping in. For him to be sleeping so soundly, I knew he was exhausted. In a few moments the house would fill with the warmth of cinnamon and ginger, it would wake him.
Yet standing there finishing up I glanced out the window, it faces due east and the views are always so calming and beautiful. The sunrise was breathtaking. A true promise that we woke up yet again and we are given another chance to be the wonderful humans that we are.
Watching the sunset last night was just as amazing. As was the beautiful night sky that followed.
Wednesday was by far the hardest day I have ever experienced at work. In my entire life. I had to tell the majority of my incredible Y family that they were being temporarily laid off. Yes, most will get unemployment, but it doesn't make up for that sense of loss. Their pride took the hit, their sense of worth. Each of them is very valued and loved. It was devastating.
I was an emotional mess. My heart was shattering with each conversation. The harder part is that I had to do most of it over the phone. This social distancing is horrible. I could hear the silence, I couldn't see if there were questions I needed to answer, support that I was not able to offer. It was wrenching.
Yesterday was a tad easier. I was able to speak to all of my team at some point. Things are not great, but they are, I am so blessed to have them all in my life.
I am thankful that this week is almost over. I need a few days to stop. To unplug and to simply be. To allow my heart and spirit a chance to breath.
I have allowed so much negativity lately to enter my space. I am finding myself snoozing people on social media, refusing to make myself available for the naysayers and doomsday bell ringers. I am also finding myself refusing to further engage with those that are self centered and refuse to see past that.
I firmly believe in free speech. In each of us having the ability to voice where we are and what our personal thoughts and beliefs are. And I will celebrate you and your beliefs. Yet, I am finding myself putting up emotional walls to people that refuse to be fluid and refuse to be part of any solution because it doesn't work for them.
I have to admit, I am not loving having so many freedoms taken away. I am not loving having to look around me and make sure that people are distant from me. In fact, I'm hating it pretty hard. I am a hugger, I cherish being able to offer comfort in times of distress, I will share my energy with anyone that truly needs it. So some of this is very difficult for me.
Flip side of that, I am definitely an introvert and enjoy my own private space. I find sheer joy in my mediation time, in creating, in simply being.
And I am realizing I need to find more time to meditate and be okay with people that lack concern for others. I keep seeing the meme's about not bringing your entire family on your shopping trip. I will tell you I was terrified the other day when I did venture out to pick up scripts at the sheer number of people that are bringing their entire families shopping. Their kids are running around the stores, babies are mouthing the handles of the carts - even if it doesn't have the virus on it, I am sickened to thing of how much sanitizer has been applied to it.
As one of those folks that is still working I can tell you I feel very blessed. I come into contact with very few people. I am not excited for when I have to. I remember case number 1 here in the county I live in... it was only a few weeks ago, March 9th to be exact. I remember the outrage because the family members of patient number 1 attended a school event. How selfish, how self-entitled. They were horrible people. I mean come on it made national news.
Fast forward to April 3, not even a month later, in the county alone there are 663 cases and so far 6 deaths. It isn't that this virus is killing at a rampant rate, but it is spreading pretty darn fast. What it is doing is stopping people from working (no for most of them it is not a paid holiday), it will overwhelm medical facilities (how many other important medical issues are not being dealt with properly?), it is showing us the very selfish side of many.
Sorry, this might not be an accurate view, but from my seat, it is my view. Because of thought processes like, it won't happen to me, it's an old people problem (actually - I'm not old and in the county I live in my age group is at the highest risk), I'm not 6 - don't tell me what to do, if we are all feet apart it won't make me sick, I don't want to ask for help... I truly could go on.
They are closing our parks this weekend. How sad is that. They have to close public parks. Why, because even though there is yellow caution tape around the playground equipment, families are still taking their children to play on it. They are all sitting around socializing while their children are playing together. They are not staying home.
Evidently, now that there are more cases and more people potentially exposed it's no longer terrible for them to be out in the general population? It's no longer a national media event to potentially expose other people? How is this behavior any less callus and self centered than the Daddy/Daughter Dance? Or the trips to have coffee before they knew?
So many people are being hurt by this selfish mentality. Maybe they aren't getting sick, maybe they never will. I pray that is the case.
The people that are out there working to allow us access to essentials, guess what, most of them would rather be home safe with their families too. Everyday I hear of another grocery, food, medical, emergency service, essential employee becoming ill.
I am disengaging from the people that are in sheltered areas feeling they are the only ones being inconvenienced and harmed by this hot mess that is not just our country - it's the whole darn planet. All across the globe people are hurting, people are losing their livelihoods, family members are dying (not just from Covid 19) that are dying alone and cannot have funerals.
If you are blessed to stay home. Well stay home. If you need groceries or essential supplies - there are many folks willing to help so that you can be home and safe. That you can protect your precious babies - even if you are a single parent.
I am meditating and praying that at some point we can come together for the greater good. So that we can stop passing this crap around, so that people can go back to work, so that they can do so many of the things that for a brief moment they can't.
We as a species should be doing better.
Sorry if this is a rant. Frankly, I am tired of biting my tongue and allowing people to snap at me and other's virtually. People that are going out for essential jobs each day deserve a bit more respect.
I'm going to try and go find the beauty and joy in this day. I am going to reach out to people that are hurting and see if I can find a way to make it better. I really wish we all would. I am tired of hearing the negative. It's harming us more than the illness. It would be incredible if everyone took a moment to find something good that they could do for the good of others, every single day.
Can you imagine that beauty?
