It's been a minute. Not that I haven't thought about writing, I have thought about it. I've been much too busy though. I'm being selfish.
Selfish is a much maligned word, but I feel it has become my mantra for 2020. I'm still doing for others. I am still outwardly the same person I have always been. Sort of.
I am learning to be selfish though. And it's amazing! Selfish isn't about hiding the chocolate and refusing to share (although it was tough with the sponge candy...) it isn't even about not caring for my loved ones and others.
It's more about filling my own cup first, so that I have plenty to pour from when I am giving to others. It means not ignoring my own needs, not shuffling them away into a box that never gets opened.
I am being very selfish. I am focusing on me. Probably for the first time in my grown life.
All of us were really good at it when we were children. If the urge hit us to move, to talk, to wiggle or giggle - we simply did. It was important back then in our course of development to simply do those things. Sure our folks got frustrated. I giggle a bit when my daughter posts some of the things my youngest grand baby is doing, as a parent her creativity has to be exhausting! As a bystander on a journey to reconnect with my heart and sense of simply being, it is powerful! She might be my soul guide.
Selfish isn't bad. For some reason we've been taught almost since birth, that being selfish means you are not a good human, that you are a mean, uncaring human.
What if we think about it in a different way. What if instead of being uncaring it allows you to be far more generous, not only with your heart but your time and energy?
Earlier in February, my sweet Hubs gave me the gift of a full weekend to focus on me. I attended the "You be You" weekend at the Peace Place. I had the blessing of a weekend of meditation, studying things important to me, and having my personal bucket filled. Laundry didn't happen, dinners were interesting (although I did make breakfast and nice lunches both days), the house was uncared for, the clutter kept piling up.
The reset to me as a human, was priceless! I have had so much energy, I have had more to give. I have not felt overwhelmed. Big challenges have not overwhelmed me, they have not knocked me to my knees.
I learned to truly meditate. To release everything and just be.
I have picked up my Chrome Book more than once. The intention was to write. The motivation wasn't there. There were thoughts brewing like crazy, there still are. I just don't know how much I will be writing for a while.
During a moment of misunderstanding earlier this week, Hubs reacted strongly, saying it's all about you. It stung for a moment. But only a moment. Because he was having the same reactions I am to the pressures of every day life. To the lack of balance in our world and relationship. We both feel a strong need to re-balance. Time for us, for doing what we both want and need. To have time for alone stuff and even more time for together stuff.
I heard what he was saying loud and clear. I believe he heard me. As it was the universe heard us both. It's a beautiful weekend according to the weather forecast. Tomorrow is supposed to be even better. We have both been putting so much energy and time into things that are outside of the personal realm. I have work to do today, so does he. Yet, we decided to jealously guard the weekend. We both woke up with major headaches, although his was self-induced from Friday night fun. Mine, well mine might be self-induced also. My fibro is trying hard to flare. I am trying hard to not let it. But the current imbalances in my life are pushing all the buttons.
So, we put the day on hold. Took our big boy for a long walk. And while he napped, I did some of the things that my heart has been pleading to have time for, soaps and candles have been made, resting has happened.
We found time for a lovely, slow, late lunch - it wasn't intended to be so slow, but the universe heard our hearts. It knew we needed us time. The restaurant that I picked was evidently the launch site for a huge family wedding.
A leisurely walk through the botanical gardens (we've been trying to go as often as we can), enjoying all the beauty of the final days of winter. We marveled at the beauty around us, pondered the treasures that would soon be breaking through the fresh compost in the unmarked beds (that smell...), we took time to sit and enjoy the silence and beauty that surrounded us (until our bums got a bit too cold on those stone benches). Poor Hubs' feet started to protest as the sun started getting lower on the horizon. As we walked hand in hand, talking and laughing we both had our hearts filled with joy.
Tomorrow may not go completely as planned. Sweet Hubs knew I'm hurting, so he scheduled massages during what should have been the start of our motorcycle ride. I am looking forward to the wind in my face, my arms around him as we go and explore, I am also looking forward to that massage. My back, neck and arms are so unbelievable sore. It's time to take care of myself. I am hoping we still get a nice long ride in tomorrow. I am planning to pack a picnic basket for us to share at some quiet little spot in the middle of nowhere.
I am being selfish. It isn't always about me, any more that it is all about him, or anyone else. But sometimes, we all need moments to simply reconnect to ourselves. I'm not there yet, I am working on it. I know this flare is my body's way of reminding me to slow down. To take care of myself. I also know that this journey I have been on is giving me the tools and knowledge that I need. We actually scheduled time off together for the sake of nothingness. No big plans, just us time.
I am so blessed to be married to my soul mate, my other half, my very best friend. Someone that knows I am not being "selfish" in the way that we have all been taught to think of it. Just in a way that allows me to give more of me to us.
I'm not sure how soon I will write again, could be tomorrow, could be next week. It will all depend on my balance.
