The silence and the fire feel calming to my soul today. I decided to take a short nap yesterday and paid dearly for it last night. I couldn't get to sleep, so we start another day feeling less than rested because of it. I don't care how sleepy I get today, I am definitely not giving in. That was far too many hours to read and lay in silence with nothing but my thoughts.
My thoughts have been pretty deep and definitely not a sunshine playground lately. Wandering through them in the darkness of night is a touch too much. Instead, I ultimately tried to loose myself in meditation instead. It's hard sometimes to simply close off your thoughts and focus on nothing. I've been struggling a lot with it lately, which probably means that I need to spend more time doing just that.
I have never been consistent at simply stopping, and working on clearing my mind. I can lose myself in a guided meditation, but then wonder when I am done if that was what I needed or simply what I picked. It's scary to me to release myself to wherever the meditation wants me to go. Digging around into things that probably need healing is a touch unnerving. The what if's start to rage and rant. What if I have to face something about myself that I am not ready to heal? What if it opens up wounds that are long since buried?
Laying in the darkness last night, not able to sleep, I definitely worked to clear my thoughts. Lately, I have felt drawn more intensely to my own spirituality and the need for meditation, or rather feeling the lack of practicing both. I've felt pulled back into making time for the peace and beauty in these things.
Before the puppies and also before my knee surgery, I would silence myself and meditate every day. I would light a candle, put on either a guided meditation or simply listen to someone playing crystal bowls while I closed my eyes and simply lost my ego self in the solitude. I can remember Neeko sneaking up on me and planting a big wet kiss while I was lost in that space in time.
I haven't been good at practicing for a while. My mind got wrapped up in the fact that I am still not able to sit lotus style (like that is a critical point?? Seriously??) I mean, my yoga pillow is still in the truck as I learned it was the perfect height to rest my leg on when traveling. I had too much rattling around in my head, sitting quietly had become uncomfortable, not the sweet haven it was during some of my most restless times. Losing myself and simply being was not something I would allow for the past few months.
Ironically, I drew my card this morning and it basically scolded me for not following "my temple path". I used to take long solitary walks in the Botanical Gardens - it's been two years since I did that. I used to keep the first 30 - 45 minutes of my day sacred for mediation and energy work. I used to refuse to pick up my phone during that time, unwilling to allow my electronic leash to engage me and bring negativity into my space.
As I have been recovering my body, I have been neglecting my inner self. Anyone else find they do that?
I've noticed over the past few weeks that I have been finding quiet time when the babies are sleeping that I am tuning this 3D world out. I am focusing on that vast nothingness that brings peace. I am feeling drawn into needing that space more and more.
I didn't light a candle this morning, instead I sat in extreme silence. The pups were sleeping on my bed and I definitely did not want to disturb them. Hubs was outside taking care of the trash and doing Hubs stuff. So I sat in silence, I thought about what my card was telling me, I thought about the readers that I have seen over the past year. Each of them encouraging me to spend more time in meditation.
For over 9 months I have been on a physical journey, all of my energy and focus has been poured into that. I have focused deeply on ingraining healthy eating habits, on being mindful of what I consume and giving thanks for it. I have tried (often unsuccessfully) to drink enough water on a daily basis during that time. I have intensely focused on recovering from my knee replacement, pushing my physical limits and healing my body.
I feel like I am doing fairly well in that area, still work that needs to happen, but it feels like it is under control. Now it feels like I am ready to add back in a daily meditation practice. A conscious effort to calm my inner self and to focus on the higher good. It's time to be still.
I find I spend more time that I want drifting back into scrolling through social media, I lose precious moments watching videos and snippets that people share. And I feel dragged into it, mindlessly. Then I question if that isn't the plan. Last night I spent hours playing a mindless game on my phone. I was tired, too tired to function was how I justified it to myself. I'd seen snippets of the game on my phone for weeks and it lured me in, I love to work on mind puzzles. So I downloaded it and started playing.
I felt like it was actually controlling me. For lack of a better way to explain the feeling, the sensation that lingered on the edges of time. I kept mentally saying I was closing my eyes and going to sleep and then I would complete a level and think "okay just one more level and I will". At no point did it give me a sense of calmness or accomplishment, it just lingered there begging for more attention. I've found this to happen more than a few times over the advent of all these electronic devices. I no longer lose myself in books. Or even in the physical act of playing a game of solitaire. Yet hours can be stolen on nonsense.
In the silence, while I sat stitching this morning, I felt those missing pieces. I sat listening to the crackle, marveling at the tiny stitches (proud of myself for not being that rusty). I didn't experience that empty feeling. I need more of that in my life.
As you can see, my deeper thoughts are leading me to a better place as a human. To being more fulfilled and having a stronger focus on things that are fulfilling. I think that is where I find the joy in cooking, baking, gardening, creating (in whatever medium I decide that day) it's that deep sense of accomplishment. Not only in the action of doing, but in the sense of being deeply engaged and part of the creation.
Well... puppies are resting, my coffee is hot, the fire is warm and crackling and I have a lot of tiny stitches to get put into this quilt. It's time to sit and focus on the friends that I am making it for. To put lots of love and good vibes into it so they will feel it when they sit beneath it on a similar cool and rainy day.
love and peace...
No comments:
Post a Comment