brrr.... the cold is everywhere...

I'm sitting here wondering why I am wide awake so early, listening to the wind chimes and thinking that winter sure came roaring in like a lion, a week ago it was a whooping 82° outside. We have barely seen it go out of the twenties for a few days now. My steaming hot coffee is keeping the chill at bay, well that and the warmth of my not so small puppy curled up at my legs.

Thankfully, I am toasty warm with lots to keep me busy. 

Since I've walked away from most social media, allowing myself a few minutes here and there on a few of them to keep myself aware of what is going on in the world, I am finding that I am getting so much completed. It's amazing and a bit humbling to realize how much time of my life was being wasted.  I've even started doing my to do list again, I'd stopped for far too long. It felt like a constant reminder of all I wasn't finishing.  I didn't stop to think about the reason that I wasn't able to finish things, I just assumed I had set too high of goals. 

I definitely admit that the revitalization of Twitter is holding me a bit captive, so I definitely have to monitor my time on there.  It's become a guilty pleasure for me, it's also a great way to get fairly uncensored news.  Not perfect by a long shot, but a heck of a lot more informative than the non-stop brainwashing of local and national media. 

I'm starting to be made increasingly aware of the changes to our economy.  And personally, I'm not finding anything to be incredible where it is all concerned. While printing off our personal property taxes so Hubs could register his truck I noticed this years were already posted.  Ironically, our truck is another year older, more miles on it, working further into it's life expectancy - yet because of the created vehicle shortage and some bureaucrat it's value has gone up significantly.  Therefore, the taxes have soared as well.  

I won't pay them on my car this year, as I just bought it this year.  I can hardly wait to see the damage next year.  I own that vehicle completely, I am not really sure why I should have to pay the state an additional fee yearly to own it.  It's mine. I already pay for the required insurance and yearly registration and all of the fee's connected with that debacle. 

At some point folks need to seriously look at all of the taxes they pay for everything.  And it isn't just taxes.  Our vehicle insurance has gone up $50 per month, while a few dollars here and there doesn't seem like much, those few dollars here and there are adding up really fast.  

Hubs and I have a nice income, we are not rich, not by an incredible long shot.  But we have what used to be a very comfortable income.  Each month those dollars seem to not be stretching nearly as far as the month before. And almost daily there is another letter or email that one of the utilities or required expenses has increased yet again. 

And each trip for groceries is a painful reminder that our government is taking us the absolute wrong direction. If you truly believe that inflation is only in the area of 8 or 9%, you are evidently living somewhere other than this country. 

I am very thankful to the Lord that I have skills that enable us to stretch things a bit further, I am praying harder than ever for those that do not.  Somewhere along the way we haven't passed knowledge on to our children and grandchildren.  We haven't shared the things that are important. There are so many families, couples and individuals that are simply struggling to live at this point.  

I'm looking at paring back on the spending this Christmas, how many of them are simply praying to be able to have Christmas? Forget about Christmas, how many of them have warm clothing, jackets, food? I question the fact that we can find billions to send to other countries (and please do not get me started on that) yet we can't find billions to take care of our own people. 

There is much evil afoot right now.  There is suffering, needlessly.  It breaks my heart on a level I can't put into words.  I am not sure how to help.  It's easy to say get another job, that seems to be the default, it has to be their own fault they are suffering, kind of how we've been taught to think.  Yet what is that going to solve?  Sure they will have a few more dollars in their pockets, but after the increasing prices (on literally everything), the amount of taxes paid out of every dollar, they will simply loose more of their life to a system that is horribly broken and corrupt. 

And at what cost?  More expenses related to a second or third job?  Gas to get to and from, will dinners get made at home or will convenience food be purchased (I mean seriously that stuff is neither healthy of cheap on many levels), who's watching the kids if there are any?  So many factors, none of which bode well for the average person. 

I know, I know.  Early morning ramblings on the first cup of coffee are never good.  I've already spent a bit of time in prayer, I will be praying more while I stitch away at a quilt today (my version of worry beads or prayer beads I guess).  I am still pondering how to be a part of the solution, I am 100% open to suggestions and dialog.  I don't want to imagine how much harder life has to get for everyone before we have our ah-ha moment.  Before we reach the point they have reached across the world. Nor do I want to experience protests like they are having in Brazil, the Netherlands, France, Australia etc.  Millions marching in the streets doesn't seem very safe at all.  

Yet... as Thomas Jefferson is quoted as saying "I prefer dangerous freedom over peaceful slavery".  

Well, today is a busy one, I have a bit of canning to do and then it is back to work on the quilts I am working on, after I finish cleaning up the house for the day.  Immediately... I need more coffee and puppies need breakfast. 

Please have a wonderful day.  Prepare for things to get worse before they get better and while you are at it find a way to help someone everyday.  You never know that small simple act of kindness might be all that is holding them together right now. 

Love and prayers...

lost...

I spent a lot of time in prayer last night.  Hubs and I decided we should watch the president speaking in Philadelphia.  We try not to live in an echo chamber, to be well versed in everything going on around us.  I mean after all it was supposedly the leader of the free world speaking to our entire country. 

I guess I should have been concerned when it wasn't broadcast on any of the network channels, I guess I'm showing my age, because I remember when the president spoke it was carried on live television.  And based on the title of the speech, it seemed that it should be something that was on all of the national channels.  I did hear it was covered on CNN, but I do not pay for any of those channels, I refuse to pay for non-stop brainwashing on either side. 

Maybe it's because I was raised in foreign countries, maybe it's because I have seen first hand the damages causes by the type of rhetoric that I listened to last night. Or maybe it was because I was listening with the intent to fully understand.  Whatever the reason, I was sick to my stomach.  I was up for half the night deep in prayer for our country and world. 

Last night was heart breaking, on top of the extremely eerie vibes of the lighting and the ambiance, which seemed deliberately set.  Whatever happened to the days of our presidents sitting in front of a fire place, chatting with us as if we were friends and neighbors. 

Last night broke my heart. Over my adulthood we have had presidents that I did not care for, their words and actions didn't align with my values. I've never even considered that gave me the right to demonize those who thought differently than I do. 

Oddly, looking through various social media last night, my blood turned cold with the hatred and go get them attitude that seemed to resonate in many places.  I prayed that those were bots, I prayed that those were simply AI, programmed to stir the pots.  I prayed that we the American people had not actually slide to the low that we were incapable of seeing through the hatred spewed in the bloody red darkness (fading to pink if you were watching CNN from the videos I watched later).  I prayed that the American people are stronger and better than all of that.  

We are God's nation.  We are strong, we are good people that care for one another.  We pull together even when we can't agree, we search for the common ground.  Aren't we?

If you changed the term the president kept repeating over and over again, to any number of other terms, it would have sent people into an actual tailspin of condemnation.  If he'd picked a religion, gender, nationality, skin color or whatever I'm sure you would have heard the echo's all around about the evilness of it all.  Instead what I am seeing is a villainization of a large portion of America, based on the fact that they do not hold the same beliefs. 

My heart wonders how much more will be attempted to shatter us, to render the very fabric of America useless. They've attempted over the decades to place wedges in between us all based on everything you could possibly list.  Color, gender, religion, thoughts, race, finances and so much more that I can't even remember.  And through it all, even though there have been blips and hiccups of horrible proportions we have managed to still retain the very fibers that make us a republic.  

America is a republic.  We are not a democracy, no matter how many times it is repeated and yelled, we are still (at least for the time being) a republic.  Each and every person regardless of their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, color, or anything else is just as important as the next.  And it feels that there is pure evil afoot that wants to change that.  That wants to send us back in time, that is laying the groundwork for what happened in Germany in 1933.  We all know how that ended. 

I don't care about any of the things they are trying to use to divide us, I am an American.  I believe in our constitution and freedoms.  I always have, I always will. I can't change this world.  I can't change hearts set on tearing others down and from striping away that which we hold most precious.  It's not possible.  

What I can do, is pray.  I am going to continue to stay in prayer.  I am going to lift up each person, I am going to continue to ask God to heal our damaged country and world. 

This is simply a reflection of my feelings and beliefs regarding what I watched last night. To me, in the course of my life experiences, those 24 minutes were filled with something completely unbecoming of an American president. They filled me with a deep sense of loss and hurt. Each of us will process it on our own, if you even watched it as it was not readily available to see.  

I'm going to spend some time out in the garden this morning.  Praying and processing the past 12 hours. 

God bless America once again, please.... 

love and peace for all!

move forward...

I want to write today.  There is so much bubbling in my heart and mind.  But I am struggling.  There is too much going on around me, I feel I overwhelmed with the pain and suffering of others all around me.  I feel like offering prayers alone is simply too little of a gift to give. 

I don't know how to move forward, I don't want to stay still. 

Got news early this morning that has my heart in a twist.  Prayers are being sent.  It's all I can do.  I am now waiting for more news on that front. Sending healing energy and hope in that direction. 

My great nephew seems to be holding his own.  He came through yesterday well, but needs to be sedated while next steps are planned out and information is not to be had at this time.  Because right now, they simply don't have any to share. Again more prayers, healing energy and hope.

I was starting to feel semi better emotionally.  Sitting drinking coffee, enjoying the rain that has steadily been falling, getting a text to spend a bit of time with my girl the world was feeling normal -ish.  I mean what is normal anymore? When I get a call that another friend has passed away, another bright light and bubbly person gone from this realm. 

I am actually emotionally exhausted from it all.  I am holding space for so many and I feel my own bucket leaking as I struggle to keep it all together. 

Yesterday after I ranted (sorry... nope not sorry) I decided I was going to knuckle down and do some of the tasks I'd planned for myself.  Tired or not, I was gonna make progress. I did, sort of. 

My house was filled with the wonderful scent of lavender, as I made the lavender "tea" for the dog shampoo that I have been wanting to make for the babies. I was pretty thrilled to end up with seven bottles of shampoo for them.  I fixed lunch for a friend and cleaned the house, getting item after item off my to do list.  It felt good to make myself busy, to move things forward. 

The weather warmed we went for a long walk with the pups and ate our dinner on the deck in the waning sunshine.  It was marvelous.  This morning we walked the pups in between rain showers, the earth has the most heavenly smell after the rain.  Who knew that things would be so unstable, so uneasy and so stressful just an hour later. 

I was blessed with a face to face call with my youngest this afternoon.  It made the day lighter for a while.  It filled my heart to bursting!  It's been a long moment since I've seen him dressed in his suit and tie (he's a handsome bugger) and it hit me hard that he looks so grown. He's always been that guy that forever looks 12.  He no longer looks 12, he looks like a grown man.  He shared a bit of his life with me for almost 30 minutes he was near, it was absolutely wonderful.  As I lingered over those cherished moments the world didn't feel so rocky, so tattered.  He had to get on with his day and I slid back into mine.  

I've stayed busy.  All day.  It hasn't made any of it calming or easier.  Focusing has been difficult. Forward has been hard. As I wait for news I will head out to an activity with my girls tonight.  Plants and Paint, sounds like a great distraction. Or at least a slightly consuming one for a bit. I don't really expect any news until 7 or later so a bit of playtime couldn't hurt. 

If you have any prayers you could spare, any healing energy to send out to wherever it is needed... the need is great in the world today, at least in my bubble it is.  I'm going to share whatever I have left with those in need.

love and peace dear ones...

make it stop...

Yesterday felt like it was on speed, I never thought about stopping until I crawled into bed, I even stopped to do one final load of laundry and run the dishwasher before I laid down.  I was in an almost frantic mode, I have no idea why. I just got busy and didn't seem to need to stop.  Unfortunately, it carried into the night as I woke up at 1:37 am and struggled to fall back asleep, finally falling to sleep around 4:30 am, and that even involved a long meditation designed to relax and unwind the mind.  Mine definitely didn't want to unwind last night. 

So much is going on, so much insanity in the world.  So much stupidity.  

I couldn't believe that literally every time the radio or television came on or I opened up email or social media there was someone else asking about the stupid slap that occurred on the Oscars.  I was stunned that with everything going on in the world right now, that people seemed to be unable to talk or think about anything else. 

I am still wondering how something so inappropriate and childish could have people so mesmerized.  I don't watch the Oscars, or most anything else you would find on television for that matter.  I find it a useless activity that seems to have the sole purpose of dumbing us down, of making us complacent and easily controlled.  I am not someone that buys into most of that.  So I am seriously struggling here. 

I think the weight of the world was what crept into my brain and soul last night.  I think that is where the overwhelming feeling came in.  I've been praying for a classmate from long ago as they battle for their health.  I'd heard that a former co-worker that I loved and respected was not doing well, but it hadn't been confirmed.  Last night I found out they have been placed on palliative care and is expected to pass fairly soon.  That is another bright flame that is being extinguished far too soon. My little great nephew is undergoing another procedure this morning.  It's overwhelming. 

People are worried about if a slap was real or not and whether or not it was appropriate... in my opinion the answer is no, hitting someone is never appropriate - we spend years teaching our children that very lesson. But are they paying attention to the cost of food, gas or necessities? Or it that just something they have been conditioned to expect? Increase after increase, but hey what's a person to do, suck it up and work more hours. 

For generations our country has been divided over all of the slavery that was used to build this country.  In the earliest years slavery was a common way of running businesses, the wealthy getting wealthier off of the lives of others.  If it wasn't slavery, then it was indentured servitude that sometimes never ended.  I feel like we are definitely still living in those buckets, it's just "prettier" and "nicer" now.  It's dressed up and made palatable. For the most part people are not being whipped or beaten - at least not physically.  Children are no longer physically stolen away to be sold or given away because you can't afford to keep them. 

Instead, people give up their lives working as much as they can for ever increasing expenses and higher taxes. Children are not taught skills that will translate into any form of independence from a system that feeds off their labor for their entire lives. 

Heck, I received yet another message yesterday telling me that I would save $6 per month on trash if I vote yes for adding another tax to stuff I buy online.  Sorry, still no.  I would pay more than $6 per month if I did that. 

I went to the grocery yesterday, two stops, didn't buy anything outrageous, absolutely no luxury items just basic necessities.  At no point did I even fill a cart, several things I was looking for were not even available at either store.  One of them was so cost prohibitive that I decided we didn't need it. By the time I got home and put the food items and laundry detergent away I realized that I had spent almost $400 and had less than 10 bags to show for it.  Buying enough lettuce for four salads cost $8.

When do people wake up?  At what point?  Or is it easier to be distracted by the "slap heard round the world"? Is it less painful to get lost in fantasy played out on television than to stand up and do something. 

Yesterday I watched so many people pick up things at the grocery and put them back down after looking at the prices.  I saw folks walk out of Costco with almost empty carts.  The shelves at Schnucks were fairly bare - that is pretty much the standard there nowadays. 

I have to admit, I am not the kind of person that sits around and lets things happen to me.  I am someone that puts their energy into finding solutions for myself, my family and my closest friends that I know will work alongside me.  I will work very hard to make a difference. 

Last night when I was struggling to rest I read something that someone wrote.  It was so unbelievably powerful to me. "The biggest impact you can make in the world, now and always, is to remain an individual. Avoid falling into group think, be wary of labels used to box you in, and have confidence in your own thinking. Those three things could have prevented a lot of what we're currently seeing." 

Those words echoed in my mind for hours.  We've been so conditioned to fit in, to be part of the "mold", that to speak our minds and use our on voices is considered to be wrong on far too many levels.  We learned it in grade school.  Peer pressure is a strong motivator.  I know all of us had at least one teacher that punished the group when one person dared to think or do differently. 

I never fit in.  It hurt me a lot when I was younger. Now I treasure that about myself.  I don't want to fit a mold, I don't want to conform to other's opinions.  I know I am not alone, even though I spent many years feeling like I was, now I know there are many in my tribe, I just didn't know how to find them. 

All of us were sitting quietly on the sidelines afraid to speak up.  We are still mostly on the sidelines, but we aren't afraid.  We finally realized we didn't need to speak up, we simply needed to move forward. 

Today will probably not be as frantic.  I'm a bit weary.  But it will be filled with doing the things that make a life. Sweet Hubs just called, he'd like to bring a friend over for lunch.  They are going to pick up an old broken ping pong table from the storeroom downstairs, it came with the house and we've never done anything with it. So I need to get with it and start putting together a yummy meal for them and finishing up my chores.  I'm just going to keep moving forward and keeping my eyes on the future.

love and peace... 

distraction...

Slowly I am starting to sleep later, it was after 4 am when I decided to get up today. Progress is progress right? It's crazy how much or how little sleep the body seems to require based on your emotional and mental state. Friday I shut off my alarms, convinced that I would begin sleeping as late as I physically needed.  I was sure it would be a while before I saw a sunrise again.  

As I was waking sweet Hubs was still sleeping, such a strange switch.  I'm sure he was over the top exhausted.  He spent two full days doing some serious manual labor.  He's moving super slow.  I know how he is, and even though I ask him to remember that he's just turned 69, his mind is telling him he's 30 at the oldest.  He is tough, he will get the job done regardless, and he will spend days asking me why I didn't remind him to let those young guys earn their stripes.  

Today has been so different than yesterday.  Today was the final injection in my knees.  The beginning of two weeks before I know if the injections worked.  I'm not feeling optimistic, I'm trying to be positive. I committed to all three, the first two haven't made any difference,  I am tired of basing my life and plans on my stupid knees.  I am not enjoying the anxiety connected to all of this. 

Today is make or break it for six long months if it doesn't work.  Six months is a ridiculous amount of time to be in pain, to be afraid of falling when your knees buckle, to have to decide what in life is most important. It's simply a long time.  I am trying to be a serious bucket half full person and believe that I am going to be that rare person that gets 18 months of relief. The first cortisone shots did that. I guess we will see. 

I'm not feeling so great this afternoon.  These two injections stung like he was putting in fire.  And almost instantly I felt ill to my stomach.  My legs didn't feel like my own as I walked back down to the truck. And my head is absolutely throbbing.  I hope it is simply fear.  This one was tough for me.  It didn't calm me much when the doc asked me how I was doing and I tried to put a positive spin on it.  I hated saying they are not any better than when we started, so I followed it with "I'm hoping this next one works" - and his response was "me too".  

Wait a minute... you're the doctor... shouldn't you be a lot more positive than the lay person that you are getting ready to sink long needles into?  Maybe that is what caught me off guard and distracted me from the deep cleansing breaths I usually take.  Or maybe it was just the uncertainty echo'd mine too clearly. 

Twenty-six hours ago I'd just gotten home from hanging out with my girl.  No Hubs, no kids, just us!  Neither of us could remember the last time that happened. We had lunch together, talked about everything and nothing all at once.  We wandered one of our favorite stores for hours and ended up spending too much money on stuff that made us smile. It was so incredible.  

I'd spent this morning distracting myself.  When Hubs headed to his office, I headed to my sewing room.  I've been promising him that house robe forever.  Took me around 6 hours, but he is now the proud owner of a lightweight summer robe covered in the eagles and flags that he loves so much.  The sound of the sewing machine, the rhythmic hum as the stitches created something useful was therapeutic. 

It calmed me and distracted me all morning and the few hours after I got home.  I tried to simply sit, I couldn't.  My mind kept wandering to places I didn't want it to go.  I'm not even 56, I do not want the only alternative to be surgery or pain. Too many other things are changing, I need this to work.  I need the pain to go away.  It is getting in the way. 

Tomorrow will be better.  The poofy feeling that comes with the injections will be calmer, hopefully this headache will fade and the greatest disruption to my world will be the fact that my beautiful sewing machine is throwing a temper tantrum.  She's not even 20 yet, she cannot be having issues.  

Where ever you are look for  joy and happiness.  And if like me today and it feels out of reach, go out into nature with a cup of tea (or wine - wine is always good) and just observe "you should sit outside in nature for 20 minutes, unless you are busy and then you should sit for an hour." - this is credited to many and some say sit in meditation.  I say just do it...