Who knows, maybe it is a 7 year cycle? Maybe I should have made a different choice back then. Who knows maybe this is a chance to revisit those thoughts and make a different choice now.
The wind chimes are loud and soothing this morning, yesterday had some serious storms, today is calmer and hazy, the sky is showing more blue, but oh that colder wind.
It almost feels like my life right now. Some days are incredible. Bright blue skies, warm sun shining down. Days that seem like they are full of love, light, energy and vibrancy. The kind you wish would go on forever. In typical winter, early spring fashion, they are few and far between. The remainder are a mix of volatility, rain, raging winds, no idea if you need a winter coat or a rain jacket, or if you need to brace for hail storms.
I haven't written, because emotionally I have been in a crazy vulnerable space that felt far too private and fragile to share. Not sure it isn't now. Trying to see if I can without too much danger to myself. Because that is how life feels right now. Living on the edge of an eggshell field, afraid to take those steps, knowing I will shatter something and not so sure I can take anymore. It's been a long time since I have been in this space.
2020 was tough, but I didn't feel it truly change who I was as a person living this lifetime. 2021... has been a whole different ball game. It's been a brutal roller coaster ride that is exhausting. As I started to write today, I noticed the last time I started to write was Feb. 1... all I wrote was "well..." I never got to finish it. As I hit the little delete button I realized that simple "well..." pretty much sums up the past two months. It defines all of it in a simple, exquisitely perfect phrase.
Being ill earlier in the year has definitely left some side affects. I am not an emotional person, or I wasn't. That part of me faded away in a bitter puddle a long time ago. I built walls (big walls) that very few are allowed inside of. I have to trust you with my very life to let you in there. Being sick made me vulnerable, weak, a bit fragile (there is that dreaded word again - I know it is meant to be there, as it keeps popping into my head... but...). It's been a while since I have felt strong, confident, able to tackle the world. Even typing this is causing anxiety and the threat of tears burning at the back of my eyes.
I went back to work on February 1. I didn't expect a cake walk, but I wasn't ready for a shit storm. I'm still not. Other's choices and actions have hit me hard. I have had little to no time for myself. I was supposed to go back on shorter days initially, but due to things out of my control I hit the ground running, and yesterday was the first time I didn't allow work to enter my world in two months. No text messages, no emergencies. It was a day of beauty and peace. Wine tasting and walking in sunshine (well at least for a while). It was a time of laughter and joy. I completely needed it.
And as my sharp witted knee doctor pointed out (I really enjoy a sharp wit) any virus will attack your weakest spot, and the 9 days of illness had definitely impacted those darn knees. I'm still processing that news. For now the latest treatment is working, the remaining list of healing attempts is officially much shorter and will need far greater consideration.
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| 4.5 inches gone... not looking so thin |
The other issue is that my hair is falling out. Not shedding as my stylist was so sweet to call it. It's flat out falling out. As she put it "you are lucky you had so stupid much hair". She's right, but still. This one is feeling like an Achilles heel to me. It feels like the purest definition of my life right now. Completely out of my control. As a woman, average at that, my hair is super important to me, I am having a very hard time with this. It's over half gone.
That is how the world feels right now. Everything feels like a misstep waiting to happen. Every minute feels like waiting for another shoe to drop. Not even sure if they are shoes, maybe they are anvils. I am reaching a point of wanting/needing to runaway to hide, to be simply done.
I feel like an emotional wreck, walking through life with tears burning in my eyes and praying no one else sees them fall.
My family and a few super close dear friends are the only place I truly feel safe and protected from the world. My sweet Hubs reassuring me that the handfuls of hair that fall out each time my head is touched do not affect his view of me, holding me while I cry out of sheer frustration at the world that keeps spinning faster and faster out of control, he is my lifeline right now. The core of my support system. I am so blessed.
I know on a very basic level that none of these things are earth shattering, things I haven't dealt with before (well except the hair). Thoughts and feelings that I haven't encountered and conquered before. But they are truly things that I am questioning if I want to conquer again. Are they battles worth fighting?
I mean what's the saying "if a door closes it's not meant for you, quit pounding on it". Is that what I have been doing? Have I spent 7 years pounding on a door that I should have let slam shut 7 years ago? Have I wasted time, energy, talent and joy? Has this all been a wake up call?
Or is it simply a shift? I've been crazy introspective as I have been working my way through this year. Trying to find my path. The only place I feel okay is when I am creating. I can lose myself in the magic, even if I'm having to tear it out, do my research and start again it does not make me stressed in a bad way. It frees me. It beckons me to a new place.
I am excited by things coming up in the near future. I am making the decision to spend quality time with those I love, with family, with friends. I need to figure out how to create solid lines, that are not able to be blurred. I need to make the important things, the most important things. The rest, need to become the supporting characters.
I have rambled and bared my soul. If we are close, yet I feel distant, please know that it isn't you. I am on a journey that is making me question so much about myself. There are very few that I am willing to allow in. I have little sense of safety in the world I am currently inhabiting. It is simply a space in time. I know this. I will be back. I just need some time to retreat, to heal, to experience and explore this current space I am in.
It's time to lose myself, so that I can find myself...
