judged...

It's incredible how a good night's rest can make your day so different from the day before.  I'm only on my second cup of coffee, but haven't drank a single cup hot yet.  Exhaustion can be your friend, I slept so well last night.  Here it is 8 am and I have already tidied the house, showered, fed everyone and now I'm sitting in my chair disappointing my big boy while I write. 

I guess I spend way too much time with my hair messy, roaming around in either my pj's or my "play clothes".  After drying my hair (usually let it air dry) and putting on jeans and a t-shirt I headed down stairs.  Popped my head in to check on Beau on my way down.  He was sound asleep, or at least it appeared that way, as soon as I cleared the doorway, he hopped up and dang near chased me down the stairs.  Running from door to door to see what mischief mom could be up to this early in the morning. Oh the disappointment as he headed up the stairs, glancing back at me with disdain, how dare I get his hopes up and then sit down and not go any where.  

Guess I will have to take them somewhere today, although I have no idea where.  Their favorite park is currently under water from the flooding. And I am fairly positive that my oldest grand daughter would be less than pleased if I showed up to pick her up for work with them in the backseat. Decisions, decisions.

the old lilac is finally getting flowers

The birds are singing and the world is slowly starting to green up nicely.  I love the freshness of spring, the transition from silent and bleak to vibrant and alive.  Definitely makes my world brighter.   We have a male cardinal that sleeps on a hook Hubs put up years ago to hang lights at Christmas from under the eave on the front porch.  He's very vocal when we go outside at night, letting us know that we do not belong in his space. By day he is out back or in the holly tree, very rarely do I spot him in the giant pine outside my sewing room.  He's never far.  My sweet Hubs named him Joe, because they say when a cardinal is near one of your departed loved ones is near also.  He's sure my dad is visiting and staying with us now.  Who knows... 

I used white cheddar, not yellow

Yesterday ended up super productive despite the level of exhaustion I was fighting off.  The Cheez its turned out incredible, so much so that I need to make another batch to go with the tomato soup we never got around to having last night.  I can't really describe the feeling of satisfaction that comes with knowing you can make some of the foods you love, minus the chemical cocktails they put in them. It feels as good as harvesting your own organic veggies and making your own quilts. 

Today will have to include some soap making, did a quick inventory yesterday and we are getting to a critical point.  It takes about six weeks for a batch to cure.  I've been saying for months that I was going to get a batch made, well... it hasn't happened.  Between illnesses, anxiety, the whole life thing... well, it took bottom priority. Hubs is running out of shaving lather and the supply of soaps are getting super slim, so this afternoon is dedicated to soaping.  I was looking through my different oils and feel like I can comfortably make two or three batches minimum.  That means at least 24 or 36 bars of soap.  I have plenty to make his shaving lather, so that isn't going to be a problem at all.  

A few weeks ago I made him an after shave lotion.  It was the first time he'd asked me to try it.  Thankfully, it turned out great and he's loving it.  Recipe is definitely saved! I'm going to match his shaving lather up with that fragrance oil so he doesn't have conflicting fragrances.

I truly love making soaps so I am sure why I put it off. Oh yeah, I'm not incredibly great at staying focused.  That is what I am currently working on after all.  Ya'll should totally see my calendar, all the lines scratched out, all the added items.  I'm working very hard on keeping myself organized and on track.  

She can be a bit judgy too...

Bless my sweet Hubs' heart he is trying so hard to help me.  It's sort of like the blind leading the blind.  Because both of us are great at making lists and knowing what needs done, but staying on track... well that is a whole different story. Thankfully, we are both focused on reclaiming out yard, before it all erodes down the hillside. 

About two weeks ago we addressed the issue of rerouting the drainage after the tree came down, and all of the storms have assured us that we fixed it correctly. This weekend we will start working on burying the drainage, getting loads of dirt to fix the erosion and finally starting to lay sod.  In the midst of all of that I will get the zinnia's planted at the fence line, combination of erosion control and beauty.  I am putting a lot of sunflowers in this year, so I need to get those planted as well.  They are perfect for healing the soil and ours needs it desperately.  Yep, I'm not a fan of chemicals in my yard either.  

I have a few other flowers we want to plant. Some cosmos and marigolds for the pollinators, some lavender for the pollinators and to harvest to make our own essential oils and such. We'll start on the wood piles before it gets hot, but definitely not this coming weekend.  

We pick up our newest elderberry tree in a couple of weeks.  I'm working on my elderberry forest.   Not really, although it will bring me to three american elderberries all different varietals. I didn't know that I'd be able to get a free tree in exchange for chopping down our massive Bradford pear tree.  I definitely didn't know I could get an elderberry.  I almost went with a PawPaw tree, I would love to include those in our space, but you need two of them also and I am running out of areas to place them, so I stuck with elderberry.  I use the berries for so many things and having three of them I might even be able to eventually be able to harvest enough to try my hand a wine. 

So on top of his birthday present, we have a very hard labor filled busy weekend waiting for us.  Oh yeah, we will also be setting up our new freeze dryer and getting it ready for it's maiden use. Both of us may need some extra rest next week! I guess it's the start of busy season...

Well, the oven beeped to let me know it is ready, so it's time to get busy.  I'm trying to limit myself to an hour total of typing, editing and stopping a dozen times for meds and/or potty breaks for pups. 

I hope you all have a wonderful day!  

love and peace...

busy living...

I got up early enough to catch the beautiful sunrise this morning.  It was so beautiful, seriously had me questioning why I wasn't waking up earlier so I could enjoy it daily.  The backyard had a brilliant orange glow, the camera definitely did not do it justice. It felt so wonderful to be out in my garden enjoying the start of the day, maybe that is the key to my lack of motivation in the mornings lately?  Who knows. 

It definitely inspired me today.  We had a friend over for dinner last night and Hubs insisted on cutting open the black diamond watermelon in the fridge.  It was wonderful, as we sort of knew it would be, and of course I couldn't let the rind go to waste.  So I carefully cut it all up and got it soaking to be ready for making preserves first thing this morning.  

After I enjoyed my coffee in the garden, savoring that sunrise, I got busy. This is really the first time I've sat down for more than a few minutes.  And honestly I should go out and give Hubs a hand with the mowing, but I am guessing he is almost done.  Either that or something is wrong with the mower.  

The first thing I did was work on those preserves, they look like sunshine in a jar.  I am so glad that I got brave enough to try that old recipe.  Hubs loves it and I have gifted a few jars to friends, waiting to hear their thoughts, but I will always make it for Hubs now even if they don't love it as much. 

I have another couple of friends coming over tomorrow to do some canning with.  We are tag teaming doing the things, that way neither family has to buy all the supplies.  Although Hubs would love to get a smoker and I am not saying no, just wait for a bit.  More research must be done.  And we need to so a few more things around the yard first. Ya know, making it safe to play in for example.  Neither of us is getting any younger and we don't need to slip and fall. 

It's going to be a busy weekend.  Lots of yard work, cleaning and finishing up a few projects.  We have friends helping us move my "cheese cave" (that hasn't quite made it to cheese cave status) down to the basement and Hubs is putting in shelves for me.  I am determined to become an organized person at some point in my life. Not to mention finishing up a few canning projects from the gifted produce.  I didn't get the blood orange marmalade started yesterday, frankly I just ran out of time.  But I did get the applesauce made, some of the carrots got finished and lots of bone broth.  I am having so much fun!

I'm also going to spend a bit of time in the sewing room this weekend.  I am going to try my hand at making "g" tube pads.  Wish me luck!  They look super simple and I have all the stuff I will need.  My sister sent me a picture of the ones they use, that is all I usually need.  I will get as many done as I can before heading down to Arkansas.  Honestly, I feel like the more they have the better, less laundry days will be needed. 

We've decided on a unique baby present as he is already six months old and they have a lot of the normal baby stuff.  I'm putting together a basket of meals in jars and ready to serve type things.  Their life is a bit crazy with a twelve year old, two year old and now the little guy at home.  Between learning the routines that are needed for the little man, and navigating their brave new world, we figured something to make life easier for the whole family was a darn good idea.  One of my sister's friends started a meal train for them, so I figured we could knock out a few nights at once. 

I gotta tell you, things are getting so crazy expensive lately!  I mentioned we were trying to decide if we would stay in a hotel down in Arkansas or take the camper.  We usually stick within a 150 mile radius with the camper, simply because gas was starting to get high.  This trip will be 335 miles one way. So we were in a tough spot for the decision.  My car gets better mileage vs towing the camper.  So we were leaning towards staying in a hotel.  Even though my brother-in-law found a great campground literally in between everyone we are going to see. 

Well, long, long story short... we are taking the camper.  Hotels are now stupid expensive and even the ones we used to stay in with the boys have a 20 lb limit on dogs and a $15 - $30 per dog, per night fee.  So... camper it is!  If it's gonna cost me the same amount, I would rather stay in my own spot, with my own kitchen, bathroom and bed. 

Although I do admit, I am nervous that the price will go up again on gas before we leave.  This might be the last long trip for a bit.  I hate that I might not be able to go and see the family, but seems that is kind of the way the powers that be are trying to force us. 

Well, I'm gonna go give Hubs a hand, we need to go and pick up some dirt and shelves.  And errands are much more fun when you have company to do it with.  

Have a wonderful day!  

love and peace...

plotting and planning...

Ever have one of those days?  Today is starting off as one for me, I have a lot of things I want to finish, but unfortunately most of them will take me to another floor of the house and I have to wait for the guy from the fencing company to come and give us a bid this morning. I'm hoping he's super early, so I can get on with my day.  The pups have their final puppy shot appointment this afternoon (any bets on their weight?), so my day is all kind of mixed up and crazy. I don't like interruptions.  When I get in the flow, I like to stay there. 

Last night Hubs and I went to see "Uncharted", it was a bit over the top in a couple of places but over all it was an great movie.  As we were driving in I made sure to check my gas tank - did I need any gas?  Nope, at $3.79 a gallon I am trying so hard not to waste any, pups and I are even keeping our walks local. Two hours later while heading home we were absolutely stunned to see that the price at every station we drove past had gone up to $3.99 a gallon.  Seriously?

Ironically I had heard the leader of our country state earlier in the day that we could expect the price of gas to go even higher, over $4 or more and that we needed to be thankful as it was the price of freedom.  Who's freedom?  Because we don't make enough to balance out his ideals. 

Guess we will be staying home even more.  I'm seeing a lot of things about being prepared.  And I'm wondering is it being prepared for shortages?  Or for the rampant inflation?  In any case, I'm working on it.  Are you?  Because at the rate things are going up, before long peanut butter and jelly will be an extreme luxury.  Anyone keep their sour dough cultures alive?  It's likely to be a great skill to have before long. We don't eat grains, so I did not. But I can whip up some mean grain-free crackers in no time. 

Today is going to be a bit of a homesteading day.  I need to make puppy food, I am still playing with how much to make at one time, I want it fresh for them without risking it going bad.  It looks like I might be cooking every three days.  That isn't bad.  I want to add a few things into this batch, like some flax seed and possibly some cheese for calcium. I'm not sure yet how it will do if I freeze it, so I might freeze a small amount and see how it does.  

I'm also doing some research on canning it, unfortunately that is going to have to wait until I buy a canning pressure cooker.  I am waiting to get the one I want, I could go cheaper, but frankly I'd rather have one that will meet my needs and last. Canning meat products definitely requires a good canning pressure cooker. 

I can't wait until they are a bit bigger, I will start dehydrating jerky treats for them.  But their baby teeth are not strong enough yet. For now the focus is on healthy treats.  I will probably make a couple of batches today, I am trying all different kinds for them to see what they like the best, they love the peanut butter, but aren't fans of them frozen - which is what needs to happen if they are frosted with the peanut butter icing.  Beau is fine with it, Belle looks at me like I am crazy and waits for hers to warm up.  So you can imagine the mess. 

I'm also going to put together my new veggie towers, never got around to it yesterday.  I want to clean up the deck before I assemble and fill them and yesterday was just stupid cold.  I wasn't interested at all in working out in the cold. Today is sunny so the deck area will warm up and be comfortable for working on the cleanup.  This waiting for spring weather thing is killing me.  I need the beauty to return.  I'm tired of the starkness.  I would love to have a greenhouse, but I am not so sure our HOA would even remotely approve of that.  But it would bring me great joy to be able to harvest year round. 

I was thinking about doing a bit of soap making, but my good friend might be able to come over next week and if so I want to teach her, so I am going to wait.  I might work on my rebatch soap, the jar is getting awfully full and well dried out.  It's a total experiment.  I am going to shred and melt all of the soap scraps I have been saving and then pour them into molds to harden up again.  We'll see how it turns out.  Basically, nothing ventured... these are leftover bits that were destined to be tossed out.  So the color will most likely be a muddy brown and the scent?  Well, I figure it's going to be interesting as well although most of the essential oils will evaporate as it heats.  Who knows.  Either it works and I have soap or it doesn't and I will have lost nothing.  Seems like a win/win to me. 

I have to admit that I am thankful for Hubs investing in my assortment of tools over the years.  He has always made certain that I had quality kitchen tools, project tools, traditional tools.  There really isn't much that I need to do for my family that I struggle with.  In fact I would already have a canning pressure cooker, but I am the stumbling block there.  I'm cheap (I could say frugal) and when I worked more than full time it seemed like a huge waste of money. 

If it warms enough before tomorrows possible snow, I will probably start cleaning out the rest of the ivy on either side of the house.  I am over it.  I'm sure the previous owner thought it was beautiful, I'm just not crazy about it.  I always worry about the rodents and snakes that it could shelter, I know it will shelter lizards, as I had one crawl up my pant leg and accidentally killed it trying to stop it. It broke my heart and terrified me all at the same time.  Nope, it definitely needs to go before everything starts warming up and fills with more critters. 

Yep, not as fearless as a true country girl, but I will make up for it with hard work.  

Well... my little beasties are getting ready for their morning nap, so it is the perfect time for me to get busy prepping their food for the next few days. Keep your fingers crossed that my fence guy shows up early, this girl needs to get cranking on her projects. 

love and peace... 

patience...

Want to know what I find to be an amazing start to the day?  A nice long walk along the river with my Hubs and babies as the sun is rising over the horizon.  It was 57° to start the day, perfect strolling temperature.  It was our longest walk to date, and we were virtually by ourselves, everything I love! My little Beau got a bit tired and needed a stop and cuddles before continuing.  Belle was her usual boundless energy.  And poor Hubs was probably tired of all of us.  He gets up so early, and going to a long walk first thing in the morning is probably not his idea of a good time. Although he was a very good sport about it all. 

We are home now and they are all settling down for their Saturday morning naps.  I am going to enjoy my steamy hot coffee and the peacefulness of the random bird songs.  A bit of time to relax and process all of the things swirling in my head, while I write. 

My card today was "patience" reversed.  Seems about right with my current state of mind.  I have very little patience with anything. I am frustrated at a world that is seeming to move headlong into utter chaos. I am tired of the inflation that people want to whisk away as if the lame explanations really make sense.  I am worn with the lack of thought people are putting into everything going on around them, the fact that common sense seems to be in short supply is mind numbing to me. 

Although what my card was really saying to me is that the universe is opening routes and passages that I haven't thought of yet and that I need to take time to think about alternate ways to reach my ultimate goals. I liked that too.  In fact I liked that a lot more than I liked where my mind originally went. 

Last night we went out for dinner (it was terrible and a huge regret) and on the way home I noticed that gas had jumped up to $3.75 a gallon at the corner station.  Just the day before it was $3.59 and I was stunned.  It changed our plans for the day.  I am not willing to waste gas just to go for a hike.  Geez! I fear this is only going to get much worse.  I also fear it is for reasons that most are simply too programmed to look for.  

I'm not going down that rabbit hole today, I'm not wading into the insanity of posts I see imploring us to stop complaining about the raising cost of gas and to focus on the people that are in fear of their lives in Ukraine, as that is far more important.  I don't trust the media, I don't trust the narrative.  I am at the point I trust what I can see with my own two eyes.  And frankly, I see a government out of control, I see "price gouging" with the general population being the ones that are suffering. 

Nope... walking away from that one. 

Yesterday was an amazing day in my world.  I had the opportunity to spend quality time not only with Hubs, but also one of my very dearest friends.  There are several around the world that are truly my tribe, I consider them my sisters of the heart.  So spending a quiet lunch at one of our favorite spots talking about all the crazy stuff that we both think and believe was so nurturing.  It is incredible to spend time with people that understand you, that don't look at you like you have lost your mind. Even better when it is spontaneous!

Not only that but I sat with my girl for a bit and chatted about life in general and then just as I sat down to create the invitation/flyer for Hubs' 70th birthday party I was thinking about my boy and how much I have missed him. I don't hear from him much, and boom I got an instant message from him.  How wonderful is that? So I got to spend a few minutes talking with him and I even got an "I love you!".  Top it off with the youngest grand coming over for puppy time and then sending me her own videos. Oh yeah, it was a great day!

As a result of all those conversations, the thoughts whirling in my head and all of the plans I am making, I am literally jittery with ideas.  To the point that I am almost frozen on the moving forward part.  I guess that is what the universe was trying to tell me this morning.  To have patience, to move forward, but to look at the bigger picture and opportunities. 

I plan to spend the next few weeks clearing up current projects, cleaning my plate so to speak.  Then... I feel like it is time to start offering classes in various things.  But what?  Where to start?  How to start?  Do I offer sewing classes?  Or am I too hung up on trying to remember everything my home Ec teachers taught me? Instead of following the stuff I have been doing for a lifetime - successfully I might add. Maybe basic quilting?  Soap making, I don't make the fancy stuff - I can - but why?  I am a country girl at heart and I want functional over fancy. Knitting, crocheting... I am definitely proficient in those areas too. Maybe offering cooking, canning, oh my the list is deep.  I don't proclaim to be an expert level at most things, I do proclaim to be very proficient.  I have the ability to start people on journeys, to let them get their toes wet and see if it is something they can fall in love with. Or maybe it is just enough to start building their own skills. 

For example, it's almost time for the Redbuds to blossom, which translates into jellies and syrups.  Maybe I develop a basic home skills course? I mean it could be fun to help others learn some basic foraging and creating from what you forage kind of thing. I am a strong proponent of having the basic structure to create and then letting creativity blossom.  I don't like to follow "rules" all too often I have found that the only good thing about rules is that they are meant to be broken.  

Teach me the basics, explain the whys of home something happens and then I want to create magic, by going my own way. 

While all of these things are bubbling in my head and my heart, I am also focusing on returning to basics myself.  Several friends now have been tackling making their own dog food.  Honestly, I am longing to get back into that myself.  The pups are not excited about their food and I am not excited about the cost to feed them mediocre meals.  I stumbled on a veterinary site that actually supports and encourages that and provided me with lists of things to be able to make their meals.  So that is moving on to the agenda.  If they love it, canned food delivery will be cancelled.

I am also getting ready to order my fence.  I've lived here 8 years this summer, and we have definitely thought about fencing the usable portion of our yard, many times. But the boys were too senior to climb all of the stairs or go up and down the hillside safely and we don't have much of our yard that is flat and easily accessible.  But puppies change everything.  They are full of energy and love to be moving.  None of the previous concerns are valid so... fence time it is.  Ironically, I am now thinking of ways that I can create edible landscaping to put around it.  

I know Hubs isn't a fan of my idea about blueberries, not because he doesn't like them, but because he is sure the critters will eat all of them.  I don't disagree initially, but I do believe if I plant the right types and do my homework they could be a beautiful and productive addition to my landscaping. I am also considering a bit more combining edible flowers and plants to my front beds and finally doing something with the pathetic sides of my house. Trying to determine what areas get the most sun and planting a host of bright cheery sunflowers - that would be two fold.  One for seeds the other because well I LOVE the beauty of sunflowers. 

Like I said a multitude of ideas that are becoming more and more relevant by the day.  Did you hear about the farmer on the main stream news that was saying he easily sees the average grocery bills per month going as high as $1,000 per month because of the costs being pushed onto all of us and the devaluation of our dollar.  

Honestly, folks need to wake up, they need to realize this is the same crap that happened in Germany after WWI that lead to WWII, that it is planned and it is being orchestrated for the rich to get richer and the poor to move further down the food chain if not dying out of lack. 

I don't have answers, but I am not about to give up on planning for a better future for me and my family and my tribe. 

I am completely open for suggestions and ideas... am I off my rocker?  Or is there truly a need for some of the skills that I can help people learn?  Can we create a network of urban homesteads that are able to provide during hard times?

Okay... well, while I leave you scratching your heads and questioning if I need "professional" help I am going to get started on my day.  I have much to do, and I have decided that I am going to stay busy working on things, ya know, just in case. 

love and peace... 

 

who's the boss?

It was crazy busy yesterday, keeping up with puppies, visiting with friends, dealing with medical insurance companies, going to a visitation, and puppies first vet appointment. The whole thing was a combination of fun, frustration and just plain exhausting. 

I'm sitting here finally enjoying a cup of coffee, the babies are napping, I have already mopped the floors for the first time today and cleaned my kitchen.  I am sitting here simply enjoying the moment and trying to sort out my game plan for today.  I still need to get downstairs and unquilt the quilt, I simply cannot stay mad at it too much longer - that will not finish it for darn sure. I have several other projects that I am either working on or I am ready to start working on.  I am just struggling with ordering it all out and moving it forward.  I'm in that insane bubble of overwhelm at the moment I think.  Or it could just be that my projects aren't turning out exactly the way I planned and now I am frustrated and ready to throw in the towel - I have a habit of doing that, which is one of the reasons I have set a goal to clean up, organize and finish all of my started projects this year.  They are never quite as frustrating when I stop and reassess. 

It also doesn't help that I got a Cricut Maker 3 for Christmas - with all the goodies to play and haven't gotten to make anything yet.  I want to play!!  Ugghhh... I know first world spoiled wife problems.  But still. 

Our vet didn't bring it up last night, but I have been noticing that Belle is very protective of her brother the past few days.  She was quite upset that he got shots last night and wasn't pleased.  She finally ended up laying on top of him.  That got me doing some research this morning.  I've had litter mates in the past, my mom and several sisters have also. I've never heard of litter mate syndrome, but now that I am aware, I am going to do everything in my power to stop the behaviors before they become more than can be dealt with. I just always assumed those behaviors were are normal part of puppies. 

Which means... walking them separately, kenneling them separately, and most importantly doing training separately.  They have to respect Hubs and I as their Alpha's and they have to bond with us.  All this boils down to more work, but it will also led to better adjusted happy pups.  I have never been so thankful to not work outside the house now. So thankful. It will be better for them if they are not too closely bonded, they deserve the best.  So some quality time on their own is in the forecast. Still time developing the pack, but also a chance for each of them to shine in their own right.  Beau is the easier one, he's laid back and mellow.  Miss Belle, well she is definitely neither of those things.  He's already doing great on a leash, she is furious. It will definitely be a journey.  We'll see how much time I have for writing, I feel more time is going to be needed to help these babies adjust. 

I said I'm not doing this...

There is snow moving in tonight possibly.  So I am going to get all the errands and running taken care of early today. I don't really feel the need to be out in my new car in the crazy.  I never doubt my own abilities, but I definitely question some of the other people when they are out there.  

I feel it's just best to be home and enjoying my babies in their first real snow experience.  At some point I will get myself back in my groove and work on my projects.  My new car needs a powered by bitch dust sign, and I refuse to pay someone else to do what I can do myself.  I also think I just need to make a to do list and start hustling down it.  Once things are organized I am better able to function, I am seriously cleaning out the excesses in the house.  I need space to breath! 

well folks, twiddle dee and twiddle dum have awoken from their rest... time to keep them busy... and get ready to go get a second kennel... puppy life!

love and peace...

forward...

I'm sitting here in the early morning dim, with my leg wrapped in my heating pad (I assure you an hour is a long time), semi-watching @create on PBS and semi-surfing Facebook and cleaning out my email. I've determined it isn't just Hubs that gets tired sitting in this recliner, my eyes get heavy every time I sit down. Unfortunately, it's the easiest way to heat my leg. 

As I am doing all these random things while sitting here, I just had the thought pop into my head that "I don't need it".  Have you ever noticed how many ads you receive in a few moments of time on every externally driven platform that surrounds you?  I have cleaned out 32 ads in the past 40 minutes.  There are probably more sitting in my inbox now.  Everyone is sure they have something I want or need.  Something I cannot live without at a great price. Oh goodness. 

I don't need it.  The more I am home and able to simply do, the less I feel like trading hours of my life for stuff.  Stuff that I don't truly need or even want.  I am finding so much joy in the simpler things, my house is full of stuff that I was sure I would need at some point in time.  As I have grown as a person that spends a great deal of time away from media of any kind, I have left those kind of thoughts behind. 

I find myself simply grateful for what I have. 

As I was hit by that thought, I also started pondering why.  I understand that is how people make a living, that is how the workers are paid, etc.  But it led me back to questioning if things could be different. If we weren't constantly being led to purchase things, would we have more of our life and time back?  Would we be led back to enjoying the simpler things in life.  

Yes I realize this is an ironic thought from someone that is working on starting their own business, one that creates items for people to purchase. I am in the process of developing a web-page and putting things together.  It makes me wonder, am I on a journey to become another widget maker?  Another person selling something that people crave, but don't need?

Or am I looking at consumerism all wrong?  

If you've read my blog for a while you probably know that I am a tad old-fashioned.  That I believe we are losing too many of the skills that serve us.  I could easily live on a homestead, well semi-easily, I don't have some of the skills needed and would still rely on a farmer for some of our food.  I would easily be able to take care of chickens for eggs, I could create our bedding and household goods.  I know that I could build furnishings and maintain our home. I would have no problems creating my own cleaning products or meeting our seasonal needs.  I know that I would be a very happy person in that environment. 

Where I am not happy is more in the overwhelming feeling that comes with a lot of base consumerism.  The mass produced items that we are continually invited to over indulge and will ultimately dispose of, possibly unused or unneeded. 

Maybe my "I don't need this" mentality has more to do with that.  I can shop for hours in antique stores, of course I will pay for it later., darn mold and dust.  I am a huge fan of reusing and re-purposing.  My entire dining room has come into existence this way.  I love the joy of saving something old, the feeling of bringing it back to life.  

I will spend weeks creating a hand knit scarf for someone and never think twice about the time it took. And if it is from a repurposed item (like the silk that I currently working with) or handspun - all the better.  I pray with each stitch that the person I am gifting will cherish it and respect the love that went into it. Yet, if I have to go to a department store and look for a scarf... oh just shoot me in advance, I am going to hate it, be repulsed by any cost and never be truly happy with the ending purchase.  Let it be factory made in another country and I will be in an even greater funk. 

As I have started working on the featherweight and other vintage machines bringing these beautiful antiques back to a functional existence, my desire to own a new modern machine for any purpose has diminished.  I have wanted a true long arm for what feels like an eternity. Now, I wonder.  I am questioning that purchase.  Do I truly need it for my vision?  Is it the path I want to invest in?  

I worry that we have given away our drive and desire to take care of our own needs.  That we have become consumers and just consumers.  That we have stopped living with the intention to "use it up, use it out, make it do or do without".  That we have been programmed to live in a disposable society, always wanting or needing more.  I watch it all around me constantly, heck there are times that we are simply just as guilty.  Yet, I strive to do better.  I don't want mass produced.  I want unique, I want things that me or my loved ones want or need.  Things that have a value be it in beauty, usefulness or need. Not an ad telling me how much it is needed. 

And more importantly, I want things that I need to come from "the little man".  I am afraid that the way our economy is going we are going to move very quickly into that old way of life, and that as we do, we will have many in our communities that will have no idea what to do. We have gotten too comfortable, we have forgotten. 

I know what I am feeling, it's that I don't need mass produced crap.  I don't want to be just like everyone else, I don't want everything to be "alike".  I want to support small businesses.  I want to support those that support me and my loved ones.  I cannot wait to return to a small town about an hour away that is completely focused on this mentality.

I am moving into a different phase in life.  Or maybe I am returning to an old phase of life, one that worked better, one that benefited people in a far more direct way.  From many different perspectives.  

I feel strongly about this.  I want to become a part of a more traditional society.  A place and time where we work to support each other, not a faceless entity we've never even met.

I long for a town that has individual shops, where we purchase what we need from the producer of the product, were we eliminate the middle men. I would love to be able to purchase my fabrics from a mill, my food from the butcher or farmer.  Fresh made cheese by an artisan of old, yes please.  Is there a carpenter out there that is making beautiful furniture that can last a lifetime or more?  Or is there someone that is focused on salvaging the past to move it forward into the future.  

Can we possibly even change how we purchase? Although the money thing is a totally different conversation. But imagine, if our needs were met by trading our skills and our talents... oh my!

Can I please have my stuff made without toxic preservatives?  Can we stop being a use and lose it society? 

Can we move back to a simpler, yet busier time.  Ironically, we had more freedom back then, we had more of who we are as humans. Ironically, we are too busy doing things that don't serve us to move backwards, without effort. 

I'm in a very strange space, my thoughts are becoming clearer regarding many things.  This journey is very eye opening and enlightening.  I am sure I will have people walk away from me on this journey, I'll be sorry for their loss.  I feel that I am walking the path laid out for me.  I feel strongly that I need to walk backwards to move forwards.  I need to cut ties to some of what we have been conditioned to believe is the only way. 

Onward...

make the memories...

Here in the Mid-West climate wise things turn on a dime. Today was no exception. The storms faded early this morning, but last night was spectacular.  The lightning show, the endless sounding rolling thunder that shook the walls was relaxing.  Calming.  It didn't have the sharp edges that usually accompany those types of storms. It lingered and rumbled through the night. 

By the time the sun rose, the day was bright, clear and very windy. The wind was a bit much, but not enough to steal a beautiful day with the girls. We haven't had much time together lately and an adventure was definitely in order!

Sweet Hubs has wanted to visit the National Museum of Transportation for as long as I can remember, we've just never gone.  So when our girl suggested we go for our day of adventure, it sounded absolutely perfect! And the day didn't disappoint. 

I am not at all sure which one of the kids had a better time.  The littlest one or the Hubs.  I am almost tempted to say the Hubs.  But it was close. They both climbed in and out of every train that was open, trying out seats, looking into open areas, opening a few closets and surprised at finding a few potties.  The baby holding her nose and saying phew might have been one of the highlights of my day.

We rode the trolley and the mini-train and giggled in the swirling leaves. We walked in the sunshine, we laughed and giggled. The sweet baby dragon suckered her Papa into a doll that she evidently remembered from her visit before. I mean how do you say no to a sweet cherub sporting long mermaid colored hair saying please?  Definitely takes a tougher man than Hubs. 

Family has always been important to us both. Yet way too often life has gotten in the way of that. This year has definitely taught us to shift priorities.  This year has been extremely long and far too short at the same time. Time has felt fluid in a way I don't recall ever experiencing before in my life.  

The beginning of the year feels so very long ago.  I can barely remember January or February.  And yet here we are so close to Thanksgiving it is surreal.  Tonight as I strolled through the craft store this evening, picking up a few things I need to complete gifts and looked at the shelves blanketed in Christmas cheer, it felt odd, disconnected. Is it even possible that we are that close to the end of this year?

Walking along the paths watching the oldest and youngest wrapped up in the joy of the moment and exploring the trains we started chatting about taking the River Runner a train journey across Missouri. I think it will happen before the year is out.  We have vacation time to burn.  It sounds like a great way to explore and spend some time together as a family. 

We're enjoying family time this year, ironically.  The lock down of the early part of the year had made both of us very aware of how precious family is, we've traveled to spend time with those we have missed. Many miles in some cases, just a few short miles in others.  We've spent time exploring incredible gifts that came as a result of great loss.  Sometimes when life is too large we take chances to find truths.  Sometimes those truths find us, in their own time. 

Cherish the moments.  Living in fear steals far too much. The past year or so has brought many gifts to our lives.  Far more gifts than losses.  Although the losses have been painful too. But not living in fear and darkness has brought us great joys as well. We miss the boy, we miss his girl, we miss those no longer part of our lives. This year will end, who knows if we will ever become anything like we were.  We know we will see those two... soon we hope.  We will just find different ways to make the long distant memories.

The random hugs, the impish grins, the long text messages and unexpected phone calls.... those lead to more... look for the more. Make the memories, wear the wig, dye your hair, climb the "forbidden" ladder, laugh, giggle and always continue to look for more....

welcome autumn...

Alarm off, perfect sleeping weather, silent house... and of course I wake up 15 minutes before my alarm would have gone off, wide awake! How does that happen?  All week I struggle to wake up when it goes off, and when I can finally sleep, wide awake!  Ughh...

Maybe I just knew there was soon going to be a beautiful fire in the fireplace, a hot coffee liberally spiked with Buffalo Trace Bourbon Cream (that sweet hubs managed to find - it's a tough one).  The fall weather I have been craving has arrived with a vengeance, it's a whopping 34 degrees out there this morning.  Perfect for these warm flannel jammies, a fire and coffee... 

Sweet Hubs was supposed to be going fishing today, he definitely decided a trip to Potosi and sitting in a boat on a rural lake, definitely not warm enough for him.  The crappie are thankful.  So am I.  While I don't begrudge him a morning with his buddy, I am thankful to have most of this weekend back to spend with him.  I definitely feel like we do not get enough time. 

Now, to decide how to mix up the day... there are so many wonderful things going on this weekend.  I had planned on catching up on my cooking class, and I will probably do that here shortly after the coffee kicks in and I wake up fully.  I have been a cooking fool lately.  Not sure why it took so long to learn that vegan food was so freaking delicious.  The health factor is just an added bonus.  The fact that no sweet animals had to die for my dinner... well even bigger bonus round! There are still a few of the yummy donuts left for this mornings breakfast so I feel I will definitely kick back and be a bit lazy. 

On the cooking front it has been an awesome week.  I might have a few new favorites, this non-chili loving mama finally has a chili recipe that I cannot wait to serve.  And Curry... OMG!  I love curry, didn't realize that I would, but I started becoming addicted a few months back at my favorite Asian restaurant. Now that I have learned to make a vegan yellow curry... well that love affair is off the chain!  The warmth and gentle blending of the flavors is so wonderful.  I do have to admit that at 6 am on Wednesday, I was was the grocery to pick up more coconut milk... I'd made it the night before, we had both fallen in love with it, and there wasn't enough for both of us to have it again for lunch.  

Being a problem solver... I simply made another large pot.  Note I am beyond thankful to my sister in law for spotting those incredible cast iron Dutch ovens in Pigeon Forge... best purchase ever! I'm even over it for being mad at the beautiful lavender color that it is... I was so in love with the yellow, but it was out of stock. Now instead of being mismatched in my warm country kitchen it is an ever present "accent piece" on my stove.  Usually simmering something delicious. 

It will be far too chilly for us to go out and enjoy the fall colors on the bike today - we definitely considered it, and Veg Fest is not until tomorrow.  Anyone local going?  I am excited to get to stop by and enjoy it before we head up the river road to enjoy the lovely fall weekend.  So today will probably involve a trip to the Farmer's Market, they are rapidly waning as the weather cools.  I need some bread and a few fall veg.  Tower Grove has become my favorite, and despite the fact that Hubs thinks its the Bloody Mary's... that isn't the only reason, but it definitely doesn't hurt. There is also the physic fair at Mystic Valley and the craft show at the South County Y. So many fun things to do this weekend, but for now it's just time for sitting.  

I also want to make a few soaps, my stash is getting thin - Hubs has been loving on friends lately.  I have a few recipes and new essentials that I am dying to try out.  Right now that simply seems like so much to do. 

I bought some fabulous blue, black and natural stripped linen to make some dishtowels with.  I love using a nice linen dishtowel and the pattern is so simple.  I figure an hour work will yield six beautiful, super absorbent new towels. If they turn out as nice as I hope, I may have to purchase a bit more and clean out the towel drawer.  Some of those have been living there for over a decade or maybe two.   

It's been a brutal week, budgets and presentations take it out of me. My insomnia of Wednesday night has still not been recovered from.  I was so concerned about presenting that I literally could not sleep and flat out gave up at 3 am.  I don't know why it stresses me so badly, but it does. I spent all day Thursday in a state of high stress.  Reality check, they are simply people, and in 5 years it isn't going to matter at all.  But I felt like my entire world depended on it.  Ugghhh...  Add to that a fitness center redo... and this Y gal is worn. 

Tonight is the Pumpkin swim, it will be a fun event.  It is literally the only "work" I intend to do this weekend. The rest of it will simply be for me to reset and refocus.  Between sickness and budget I am feeling very unbalanced.  

A beautiful sunrise is peeking through the trees, it's beckoning me to enjoy and play... I do hope each of you finds the joy and love in this weekend... Find the time to fill your bucket and enjoy your lives... each one is precious!

Crackling embers, hot coffee and a beautiful sunrise...  bring it on!

malaise...

Sitting here in the sunshine, enjoying these cooler mornings, savoring my coffee.

I should be relaxed and calm.

Instead I am in a very strange place. I want to cry for someone I barely know.  I am mourning a decision they made at a very young stage in their adulthood and understanding the impact it will have for the rest of their life.

When the email popped up that I had been waiting for, my heart sunk.  I knew it was coming.  I knew there was no way for it not to.  But to see it in black and white, truly hurt my heart.

Change is hard.

I've been in a cycle of change for a bit.  Actually over a year.  Dad passing started it.  The fear of losing Hubs when he had his stroke and other health issues has compounded it.  The loss of our Snug and Gator, have felt like further blows. And each day watching our Neeko age is absolutely bitter (as November and his 15th birthday loom nearer I feel a greater sense of dread).

There are many bright spots too.  So much good has happened in the midst of it all.  And I am reminded of that frequently.  Spending time with Hubs and the kids.  Enjoying it.  Knowing the boy will come home for a visit at the end of the year fills my heart with hope and joy.

The journey Hubs and I are on, inspires me to do better.  Its a huge change.

I think the lack of definition, this messy period of change is what is wearing me out and causing this malaise in my soul.

This path and journey feel like they must be walked and each bit must be felt. The laughter, the tears, the uncertainty, the joy.  Yet I am longing for calm. 

I absorb too much emotionally. 

Like I said, I've had brief encounters with the person my heart is aching for.  Yet for almost 36 hours, my heart has ached.

Hubs has a temper, always has.  I understand it most of the time and am able to allow him the space to vent and rage when needed.  Lately, it seems to be more present and unavoidable.  I have a deep distrust of big pharma and docs and their solutions.  I saw my Dad become the same after being put on several of the medications that Hubs is now on. 

I want this whole food plant based lifestyle to have an immediate impact.  I want my sweet Hubs back. I don't want to worry about him.

My patience is not strong enough.

I want solutions now.  I want all his medications gone.  I want my sweet Hubs healthy.  I want my normal grumbling teddy bear back.

I'm sitting out on my deck, listening to an assortment of critters, waking up and calling for their breakfast.  I don't know what I am listening to, just that it surrounds me.  I assume a variety of birds.  I can see a cardinal way up high in one of the trees towering above me.  I cannot locate the ruckus behind me. 

I cherish time to simply sit and soak in the sounds of nature.  I mourn the intrusion of the mowers and vehicles I hear in the background.

My home is filled with the sent of freshly baked vegan/oil free granola and seed bark.  It's fragrant and warm.  I have the door open so the scent follows me outside. Slowly I am learning to prep here and there.  To take the few minutes now that will result in having the things we need later.  The things that will keep us from heading to the grocery or risking eating something not good for us. I am learning again to savor those moments in time.

I used to spend hours doing that.  Long before a cell phone or computer was part of my world. Long before "convenience" became a word that replaced all others.  I've been missing so much of what brings me joy.

The sounds and scents surrounding me this morning bring me joy. 

I couldn't believe it when I woke up at 4 am.  Even the alarm wasn't set that early.  Yet, I was out of sleep and ready for the day. I spent quiet time stretching and lying in the silence, just being.  I don't do that often enough. It was the perfect start to these two glorious days off. I need them.

It was odd, several folks asked my plans for the weekend.  I'm sure it sounded like a to-do list to them.  To me, it sounded like paradise. Hubs is off taking care of maintenance on his car, I've already been cooking and cleaning.  I'm simply enjoying this moment of guilt free rest.  I plan to clean up the house, maybe even extract the carpets.  I want to clean my car.  Tidy my yard.  Help my daughter complete a project that has been waiting for far too long and then... who knows.  There is a Crystal Fest that I would love to go to, I wouldn't mind stalking the Bombay Food Junkies and stopping at the Farmers market.  The weather is so beautiful, maybe a short hike at one of the local state parks.  Or... I might just sit peacefully at home and plan our menu for the week.  Or maybe I will decided to cook a fancy WFPB dinner.  It's even possible that I may take a nap out here in the soft sunlight.

I mean seriously, these two days are my oyster.  My refuge.  I need them.

Soon I will have a phone conversation with one of my team.  It will deflate me again.  But only for a moment or two.  I am sad.  I cannot change it, nor can I impact it.  I am learning to let things go that aren't meant for me. 

This period of growth and change feels so powerful.  Bigger than I am.  Yet I have faith that all things happen in this life the way they are meant to.  And each of us is stronger and more powerful than we realize.