lost in my thoughts...

Well, finally happened.  I finally managed to push myself past the edges of my immune system.  I knew it would happen.  Everywhere I have turned for months people have been sick with a variety of maladies.  The air has literally been a a petri dish of epic proportions.  Add to that the obscene why I have been pushing myself... well lets just say that I'm surprised it too so long.

After literally giving up half way through Friday, my team assures me I was a pretty strange color of red, I came home (should someone not really functioning actually drive?), crawled into bed where I stayed for pretty much 18 of the following 24 hours. I actually barely remember Friday - so hopefully I didn't make any impossible to keep promises.

I knew it was coming.  I was already feeling it Monday when I got the email that was basically the tipping point. I am going to blame my damn Northern laborer roots for the outcome.   Frankly, I have no one to blame but myself.  The warning lights had been going off for over a week.  Flashing at me in bright neon colors.  The old K-Mart Blue Light special wasn't as obvious.

I was engrossed in half a dozen challenges at work.  I didn't want to believe another one was lingering, trying to get my attention. Yet there it was finally in black and white.  No getting around seeing it then.

I don't like labels, on anyone. And I could be all angry and self-righteous blaming all millennial's and their lack of work ethic and selfish behavior. As people my age sometimes do.  I could.  But I would be wrong.  It wasn't all millennial's.  It was one young person.   Someone that had evidently not been raised with any sense of work ethic or basic human values.  It wasn't just me that she impacted.  It was a lot of people.  She was overwhelmingly self centered and childish.  People lost dollars from their paychecks, others were inconvenienced because those losing dollars weren't there (it wasn't their fault - it was her's).  When I should have graciously tapped out and rested I was scurrying to fix the damage before it could impact anyone else.

To a degree, I have to say I envy her.  To have the ability to simply say this is too much work and I don't care to do it anymore.  That must be a powerful feeling.  Sadly I am watching way too many do this every day.  The irony is that in a public forum just a few days before that same young lady fought viciously against someone saying "millennial's do not have a work ethic, they don't stick through anything", her anger had a bite as she scathingly told that person from an older generation how wrong they were about her and her peers.  Just a bit ironic.

There were a few times this week, sitting at my desk, the door semi-closed to keep as many folks away as I could, that I felt like I could simply put my head on my desk and sob myself to sleep.  I knew I was getting quite ill.  But there were people counting on me. And it's simply not in my DNA to let another down.  Not if I can prevent it.

As I was trying to think straight, my team, a wonderful mixed bag of people from my age down to those "dreaded" youngsters rushed to my aid.  Forcing me to accept I am human and I simply couldn't do it all.  The youngest, took on the biggest part of my impending task load and carried it off without many hitches at all and none that weren't immediately able to be overcome. 

So it isn't at all about age.  At least not in my world.  It's more so about who you are as a person.  How do you treat others. The Human race... it's not really a race.  Absolutely no one gets out alive.  Actually, I'd say we're truly here to help one another.

Are there people jealously guarding their right to a work/life balance?  Of course there are.  And they exist in every generation.  I am far more concerned about other things I am witnessing in our world today than spoiled children who refuse to think of other's in their mad, self-centered dash through life.

Do I wish that I could be that way.  Yes.  Sometimes I do.  I wish that I had enough self-awareness to know I needed to stop sooner than my body forced me to do.  I wish that having stopped I would have been able to put my head on my pillow and rest.  It's not who I am. If it's you.  That's awesome and I will be envious at times. I know if I had tried, I would have simply tossed and turned restless at all of the unfinished business.

Our world is rapidly getting far too complicated.  I sit in wonder sometimes.  Pondering what we lost when we started teaching to the tests.  Will today's children ever see the pictures of the German people with wheel barrels full of money trying to buy a loaf of bread?  Do they understand hyperinflation as they shout for a $15 living wage? Will they ever know that there was a time that a mere quarter was a good wage? Will they be taught the real reason for World War II and Hitler's rise to power?  Will they study the ancient Romans?  Russians? Or any of the other dynasty's across this beautiful planet, so that they are not condemned to repeat those lessons until learned?  I doubt it. 

Nope I'm not worried about a little selfishness, it is just a symptom of a far greater illness. 

It's probably a good thing that I rarely get sick, that I rarely have time to think and ponder. 

The child that threw a temper tantrum when the going got tough.  I feel for her.  She is going to have a very hard life.  At some point she will have to learn that life gets tough, you can't always walk away because life is impacting your "me" time, and that sometimes you suck it up and move forward.  It is only going to be that way for a moment in time.

Me?  I got a bug, simply from too little sleep and too much temporary stress.  I am going to be just fine in a short while.  My feet are still grounded, my head will clear (or at least I hope so - because this stuffiness is for the birds!), and I will continue to always try to do the right thing by others.

I threw a tantrum when I was sent to my new Y.  I didn't want to go, it was uncomfortable and HARD.  It's still hard, but I am blessed everyday.  I'm not always going to hire the right people, people are tricky like that, there are still going to be long days and early morning phone calls.  And I will still do it.  Because I am blessed.  I have amazing people around me.  And even on hard days, I can still make a difference.

Sometimes a bit of time and distance make all the difference in the world.... Well... it is now time to go and finish nursing myself back to health, so that I can enjoy the trees budding, the light breezes and warming sunshine.  Like my sweet guy has found in the sitting room.

wandering thoughts...

The sunrise this morning was breathtaking. The camera on my phone is not even remotely going to do it justice.  I decided to walk the boys myself this morning, since this loss of an hour has me so discombobulated. I truly wish we could leave things alone.  I understand when it had a time and place.  I don't think we still have those needs. Today we live in a 24 hour society for the most part, so all it does is steal an hour of sleep as we seem to function by the clock.

Out in the brisk morning air with the beautiful sunrise my mind completely started wandering.  I cherish quiet alone times for that very reason. In the silence the mind is free to roam.

I never take my phone with me when I walk the boys.  Although as I type that, I realize that I probably should if I am alone.  Not because I have anyone I need to talk to, but because they are both very old and getting more frail by the day.  What if something happened to one of them and I had them both with me... oh dear that is another rabbit hole that needs to wait for another day.

In the silence this morning, I could hear the poem about the sunrise/sunset that my parents both always shared with us... red in the morn' sailors take warn... does that apply to the almost brilliant purple and pink hue that I saw today?

Playing with my old man in the front yard filled my heart with such joy.  I know that my time with him is fading, yet the morning romp and stomp is still so fun and joyous.  It brings memories flooding back from all the years we've played it.  And it will be one of the things that I will miss the most, so I have to be sure to play it each morning, need to fill that memory bucket to over flowing.

Before the boys woke up I was sitting in one of my favorite chairs, yarn laced in between my fingers as my crochet hook gathered the stitches in the baby blanket I am working on.  I needed seven yesterday morning, but sweet Hubs noted that one of his staff became a Daddy for the first time last week and that his little man, a whopping 10 pounds 6 ounces, could use a blanket to keep him warm.  Luckily, I have one made that is quite masculine... I was hoping for gender neutral, but none of the yarns I have bought so far have quiet ended up that way.... so now I need at least eight.

As the yarns slide between my hands I was daydreaming back to a time that didn't seem so long ago, but now I'm not so sure.  A time before cell phones and portable computers.  Sure I had a computer back then.  And I technically had a portable phone, after all it was cordless.  I was thinking about how much more I used to accomplish.  The things I made didn't seem to take so long, they just became real.  As I was sitting here, pondering the difference between then and now it seemed elusive.

My skill has improved, that was over twenty years ago.  I have mastered many things in that time.  What was causing my lack of creative productivity?  The yarn sliding between my fingers is soothing.  It's that way with all of my creative outlets, they calm me.  So what had changed?  Was I really working so much that I couldn't find time?

My mind for some reason kept returning to the huge ranch house on the farm in Spanaway, Washington.  One of my all time favorite homes, despite being hopeless trapped in the early 70's.  I kept remembering a morning sitting at the island in the kitchen while the kids were eating breakfast before school and I was working on a baby bib.  I don't remember what it looked like, I just remember my ex questioning me about it and telling him that if I did a bit a day I would have it finished in no time.  The mind is a crazy thing.  It truly is like a card catalog in a library or a computer with too many tabs open, bouncing in between them all.

My old boy likes company when he eats breakfast and dinner after his walks, usually I sit and play a game on my phone or surf the internet.  I seriously do not do well just sitting still, probably something I should work on mastering.  Today I didn't have my phone or my Chromebook.  I picked up my coffee cup and my craft bag.  Then sat beside him working on the blanket.  It was like someone hit me with a brick.

It all the sudden occurred to me what was slowing me down. What is probably slowing many of us down from accomplishing things that we love to do.  The things that fill our souls and help us grow.  Electronics.  Computers, phones, constant connectivity.

I have a stack of books by my bed, I never seem to have time to read, even though I desperately want to do so.  My excuse is that I don't have enough time.  Yet I will lie in bed at night and read short article after short article until my eyes grow heavy on my phone.  I don't know if it is the lighting or the ease.  Or is it simply that we are being programmed to only handle short snippets as opposed to a book?

My mind can get kind of twisted.  I can go down all kinds of rabbit holes when allowed the time to think.  I am surely not the only one.  And many conspiracy theories jump out at me. Again probably as a result of all of the electronic brainwashing that we are all subjected to.

I think it is time to get lost in the past for a while.  To recreate the days when I could spend hours in my sewing room without noticing.  Or spend a day walking through new towns and exploring new places.  I didn't have a cell phone then or at least one I used much, because I would have to buy more minutes.  I remember hours sitting in the parks while my children played in fountains and on playgrounds, reading a book, working on projects, absorbing the laughter and sunshine like they were essential elements of life.

Yesterday was a day of contrasts, yet I am sure it is where these thoughts started. Hubs and I went to work to support the job fair, even though it was a crazy rainy morning that few were brave enough to tackle going out in.  I was able to support the team with shutting the pool due to lightning and finding guards.  Then Hubs and I headed to the physic fair, normally I can't wait, but I wasn't drawn yesterday, so we skipped it.  He drove, so that I could crochet, I was finding so much peace in it. A few errands and Bloody Mary's later we arrived back at home for an early afternoon nap.

Hubs woke me up around four to tell me that it was 65 degrees and sunny, of course that meant we were dropping the top and heading out to explore in the sunshine.  We'd never been to Lone Elk Park, yet it's been on the to do list and seemed like the perfect excursion for the little bit of day we had left.  I feel we will go many more times, the sunshine, the top down, the bison and the elk.  Sweet Hubs was sitting on the back of the convertible taking pictures and both of us were enjoying the beauty of nature.

The view from where I am sitting today, is a picture of perfection.  My old boy sleeping, my spinning wheel with roving waiting for attention.  The rising sun casting a soft glow.  Spring is on the way, I just got a high pollen alert, I'd say that its definitely time for some out with the old, in with the new.

Time for more intention and less distraction...

one.year.later.

It's been one year and 3 1/2 hours since I got that call.

He was gone.

4:55 am this morning I woke up and looked at the clock.

One year later.

Last year my sweet Hubs held me as I was finally able to stop, it was pouring down rain outside.  I felt like the heavens were sobbing with me.

As I pulled into Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery this morning I felt a familiar thought.  It was blanketed in white, bitter cold and everything was frozen.  Kind of how my heart is feeling today.  As I wrapped my arms around the headstone that guards a few of his ashes Mom let the military have I didn't feel much of anything.  I felt as frozen as the ground I was walking on.

I know he's not suffering and I know that he is with me with every breath that I take.  My ring with his ashes is sparkling bright today.  Maybe it's my imagination.  And if so... thank you.  Because today in particular I need to feel that closeness.

My sweet Hubs drove out with me to the cemetery, he held me tight as I cried the only tears I was willing to shed.  He was heading about 20 miles in the opposite direction.  He needed to be there the same as I did. I'd planned to sit and have coffee, enjoy the beauty and solitude.  Maybe even watch for a cardinal or two.  Five degree's is far too cold for that to be a thing.

I stood in the snow, my feet are still feeling frostbitten 30 minutes later, and let the little girl in my heart mourn the loss of her hero.  I placed my cheek on the frozen headstone and let a tear or two fall. Then I turned away.

My Dad isn't there.  It's just a place to remember him, to honor what shaped the man he became.  To show respect for a lifetime of sacrifice.   My Dad is all around me.  I have random pictures and a lifetime of memories.  Sometimes when I look in the mirror or at my kids and grand-babies I see glimpses of him.  He is all around me.  He helped my mom shape who I became.  Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but always with love.

Today was going to be a hard day.  I knew it.  I'm choosing to not let it. It will be a day to celebrate my Dad finally getting the rest he was ready for.  He didn't leave.  He simply passed to another realm.  He is as close now as he was when I could physically touch him.  I won't lie... I would love to wrap my arms around him and press my cheek to his.  I would love another of my Dad's kisses and I love you's.

I think... I will just continue to live a life that will make him and Mom proud of who I am and who I have become...

I miss you Daddy.  And I will love you forever!

back when there was hope...

A year ago... seems like a lifetime ago... it wasn't...

Back then a year ago today there was still hope.  We were simply waiting with baited breath for a hospital in Little Rock to have the right bed, at the right hospital with the right doctor to have an opening before it was too late.

A year ago in the morning, it looked like it would happen.

And then it didn't.

A year ago tonight the hopelessness was starting to sink in.  Daddy had been in an induced coma state with his chest held open for far too long.  We all knew it.  We could feel it. We were starting to snarl at each other, simply out of broken hearts.  None of us could bear what was happening.  Knowing that before long the battle to recover would be too much.  He couldn't come back from it.  We knew it.

But a year ago, we were still praying and hopeful.

As this weekend started I knew it was going to be tough.  In fairness I warned my staff team that I was not sure how I would be doing on Monday.  That I wasn't even sure at this point that my heart was anymore ready for the one year anniversary than it was for that morning just over a year ago.

I'm struggling.

HARD.

One of the dearest people I have met in a long time said "you aren't going to spend the weekend in a dark place are you"?  I'm trying not to.  I'm trying to think of a way to celebrate my father's life and memory on Monday.  Yet... right now, I can't think of one.

I don't want to spend a day crying my eyes out.  With my own heart raw and hurting.  I want to celebrate the almost 75 years he was here.  I want to celebrate the good times.  And I am fighting against the pain.  I don't know where I am going to end up.

This morning curled up in my blue chair in front of my fireplace I was lost in thought. I had a crochet needle in my hand the final rows on the baby afghan I was working on were keeping my hands busy while my mind kept repeating the words I am typing now.

The fire slowing dying down, embers snapping and quivering in it's final moments.  My mind still spinning in circles.  One minute planning the blankets that still waited for my attention, the next following my eyes as they rested on my spinning wheel the beautiful caramel alpaca wool still waiting for me to finish spinning it, wondering when I could find the time to finish.

I'm alternating between fear and a manic need to open Facebook as my sisters are starting to post more pictures of him.  I crave them as much as I dread them.  The pain is sharp and brutal.  I'm so hungry for the memories, I want to hear his name and see his face.

Nope, I'm not going into that dark place yet.  Although, I am making no promises.  Last night at dinner  Hubs and I enjoyed the company of our daughter and the youngest grand baby. My heart was full.  My Dad adored her.  She could make him laugh and smile at the worst times.  It simply fills my heart with love that she insists on calling Hubs Papa.  That is what my Dad always liked to be called.  I think she channels him.

Well... Hope didn't help a year ago.  Tonight, a nice glass of wine and crocheting for other's are helping to keep me from where I do not want to go... We will see what the rest of the weekend brings, besides snow.