I've been meaning too...

Yup, I've been meaning too.  I can't tell you how many times I've picked up my laptop, started to sit down to write and a million other things have popped up.  That feels like the story of my life lately.  And not really in a bad way, just a living life to the absolute fullest way. 

This morning, I've stopped for a few.  I mean... the day did start at 3 am, so saying I stopped is kind of humorous.  But the fountain just started, the birds are chirping and the sun hasn't climbed high enough to cause the outside to feel unbearable. So while the granola is baking and the coffee is getting cold, I figured I would rest for a few moments. 

So many times I've wanted to sit down and explore the events and feelings of life so far this year.  It's felt large, overwhelming at moments, peaceful at others.  Completely out of control, spiraling and lost one moment.  And then calm, silent and flowing like a beautiful stream through the woods the next. 

Belle's TPLO surgery, the journey and recovery.  The unexpected finding that she'd had a grade 2 mast cell tumor on the same leg, thankfully the surgeon recognized it and offered to remove it at the same time.  The anxiety I feel with anything that doesn't look just right on that same scar line.  The absolute anger and frustration of having asked both of her regular vets to look at it, and being brushed off.

I've wanted to share the feelings of finding out our camper was totaled out by hail.  The camper was fine, the insurance company totaled it.  Granted it didn't look fantastic any longer, but neither do our fully functional vehicles. Ultimately, we decided it was a God wink, as we hadn't had the time or ability to go camping for almost 3 years now.  It felt a lot like losing my Beetle, a dream who's time had come and ultimately gone.  As we are getting ready for the next phase of our lives, with Beau's medical condition and the changes to campgrounds... let's just say it was time for it to move on to someone else. The blessing financially of losing it, far outweighed the anxiety of trying to be able to use it.  We've already done research and found lots of fun "glamping" experiences that will allow us to bring the pups and still enjoy the great outdoors...

I wore my Dad ring and danced with Momma

Isn't she lovely?

Me, Momma and my girls

Just me and my Dragon

almost time...

My youngest niece got married, what a joyous and fun day that was. I made them a quilt. First time I've done one as a wedding gift for family.  But she is the kind of woman that will treasure it forever, I know this because she still sleeps with the baby quilt I made her over 20+ years ago. Note to self... deciding a few months from a wedding, while your dog is recovering from major surgery, that you want to make a quilt is really rather insane and anxiety inducing.

My Bonnie Hunter Lupine and Laughter
Gifted to The Epps

I've spent time gardening with my dear friend who showed up bearing baby tomatoes and green pepper plants that she started from seeds months ago.  She knew I hadn't started my garden, my plate had just been over-flowing and something had to give, sadly it was my garden. 

Her precious thoughtfulness spurred me on to actually get my life together in many ways. In the month or so since that day, I have completely recreated our back deck and patio.  To the point that Hubs and I seriously do not want to leave our backyard.  We love sitting in the peaceful beauty and chatting.  Next up is completely his "smoking station" where he will have his grill and smoker set up for some crazy fun cooking.  We're starting to develop his retirement hobbies... those days are coming sooner rather than later.  

The garden is in full bloom, I finally put up some trellis' (thanks to my sweet friend for the help) to give us some of the privacy back that we'd lost almost 12 years ago when the first tree had to be removed. I made some wonderful discoveries with terracotta water spikes and wine bottles that allow my garden to stay hydrated even in the hot sun.  Although it looks like either the tomatoes or I have a serious drinking problem. 

As I was watering in the wee hours this morning, I noticed that before long I will be harvesting peppers, tomatoes and possibly some mini-cucumbers very soon.  I added in some plants that will strictly be dried for teas and balms.  The plantains that I went out on a limb and planted in safe spots are flourishing and will provide plenty of healing salves close at hand.  Hopefully, the elderberry and blackberries won't be poisoned this year.  We'll see.  They are bursting and I would seriously love to harvest them.

My dear friend also tempted me with potato plants.  I have two large planters fully planted.  We will see how they produce this year.  These might not be the right planters for them, but... nothing gained or lost if I fail to try.

Belle's first post surgery walk

The hikes have had to taper off a bit.  It's far too hot for Beau and Belle is still on flat ground at less than a mile as she rebuilds her strength.  I keep trying to get up super early to go, but honestly, it's the mid-west.  Even at o'dark thirty it is hot, muggy and highly unpleasant. Hubs' back has been a bit tender and his work schedule is a tad over full right now, so there aren't many extra minutes to go hiking.  Besides, without Hubs or the Pups, hiking alone feels far too vulnerable to me.  Besides that, Missouri is a hot bed of ticks this year. I'm tired of being eaten alive. 

At least for the moment, I'm trading out hiking for hours of swimming and water workouts with my sweet Dragon. So hard to believe she is 9 and heading into 4th grade already.  Where does the time go?  She is growing so fast, last year at the pool I was able to lift her and swirl her around.  This year, we stand eye to eye.  Doesn't matter she will always and forever be my baby dragon.  I cherish each moment that I am able to steal with her. 

While we were taking a break from racing in the pool yesterday we were talking a bit about her plans for the summer.  She told me that she would like to learn how to make butter.  I'm just going to pause and celebrate that!  I didn't order super heavy whipping cream from the farm for tomorrow's pick up, but I definitely will be next week.  If I don't find the time to run out there this week/weekend and pick some up.  You can be assured that Gramma is going to teach her how to make her own butter.  It's time to start making our own ice cream again too. Her other plan is to learn how to make applesauce.  Yup, you know we are going to be working on that during those rainy days that are coming.  I know the apples aren't really fresh right now, but they are fresh enough to tackle that skill. 

The older grand is spending time with Grampa enjoying the arts.  With Beau's medication schedule it's almost impossible for us to go to the theater or symphony at this time, at least not without hiring a medicine dispensing dog sitter for the evening (and there is literally only one or two folks that I trust in that department). Luckily, that young woman is passionate about both.  I just ordered their tickets for the Sound of Music Sing Along.  Their costumes are coming together very nicely. 

Belle fits right in...

Beau is joining the party too...

There have been so many other little things, so many moments.  I've found myself far too busy living those moments to take the time to simply pause and write. 

The sun is starting to rise high enough that there is precious little time left to sit in the cool morning surrounded by beauty this morning.  But savoring it and walking through the recent memories has be so enjoyable. 

I've already made the granola and started the yogurt, I have several other things on my to do list this morning before I pick the dragon up for swim time.  I've got some flower beds to order, I need new cheesecloth and I have to make a final decision on making sour cream or giving it up as lost at this point.  I'm trying to get brave enough to simply start.  My challenge to myself this year was to push myself harder to going backwards.  To those simpler times, to simpler food, simpler clothing, simpler relationships... I miss the past, and I'm opting to slide backwards.  To stop being so wrapped up in this crazy modern world and turn the clock backwards.  

I guess I'd better get with it.  Much to do before we head out, we're hoping Grampa is able to get home early enough to joins us for a few hours of splash therapy.  I've also got to check the weather forecast, I need to go and pick blueberries this week. 

Hopefully, I don't get lost for so long this time... Miss you, love you, b

in balance...

Have you ever walked on a balance beam?  When I was a kid I took gymnastics for a bit.  The balance beam was always a struggle.  In fact I've never had great balance.  Even now I rarely chose any activity that requires great balance.  Although I like to blame it on my knee, it most definitely is a life long deficiency. 

That being said, I currently feel like my entire life is being walked on a balance beam.  Doing what is good for Hubs and I health wise.  Focusing on the healing that has long needed to happen.  Trying to balance the needs of my two pups, as I am being reminded rather harshly that they are two distinct pups with two very distinct needs.  Planning for a trip down to Arkansas, trying to navigate the medical appointments, preparing Belle's recover zone and staying in control.  

All of it feels intense. My "job" is home centric, I am a homemaker, domestic goddess - whatever feel good word you want to insert.  I am a wife, it is my role (at least to my heart) to take care of hearth and home.  When the other bits start stacking up.  Whew!  It gets intense. 

My sweet little girl is a pure athlete.  She is focused and tough.  She will push herself for what she wants, with no regard or understanding of the possible outcomes.  She loves walking, hiking, being on patrol - looking for every squirrel or bird that might cross her path.  Hubs is right, she would have been an amazing hunting companion.  Instead, she is a nervous old woman's baby.  She is also Momma's girl.  She follows me, sleeps with me, is always checking in to make sure she is still my baby.  Our Belle loves Dad, but she is in love with Mom as he puts it. 

So her lameness as we await her surgery is breaking my heart.  She doesn't want to submit to the pain, she wants to go about our regular life. It's not going to happen and the look of betrayal when I am forced to tell her no, is gut wrenching. I know it's best for her.  I know she can't handle it, even if she would force herself to do so.  Those beautiful brown eyes pleading... It is definitely not for the faint of heart. 

I still fit, see...

Yup still... get it mom?

My Beau, my big boy, he's so chill.  Laid back and the one that will roll with the flow.  He's the reason we started walking every day.  I want his phenobarbital to stay in the low range that it is, it's not a great medicine for the liver, so the lowest dosage possible is best.  And Mr. Chill can easily gain weight when he slides into lazy lounging. The other thing is big guy has developed a passion for those walks.  The more the better, he craves them. 

Maybe dad will understand our need for treats

Today Hubs and I went and walked without them.  Four miles in the sunshine.  We knew they were going to be upset.  We were right.  Belle has started to accept her current limitations, just giving us the stink eye a few times before settling back onto the sofa.  Beau was another story.  I hadn't wanted to walk him in the heat, not great for a seizure boy, but there was no appeasing him. It was walk, or we were dead to him. 

Slowly and quietly I put my shoes back on.  Dad could stay home with the sunbathing princess.  I needed to appease the beast.  He sat silently judging and glaring to let me know he was not happy, watching me slip my shoes back on, wasting zero energy.  As soon as I grabbed the leash that silly boy became a happy bouncing puppy!  As we quietly snuck out of the house (yes I am a wimp - don't judge), he kept looking up at me smiling and bouncing.  Beau definitely has a big smile when he is happy.  Hubs saw him out the window, or he probably would not have believed me, as he happily bounded down the road.

He and I got most of another mile in.  And I am sure he would have gone further, but it was already pushing 80° and heat is just not great for him.  He slowly walked down the road, head down, the joy of earlier simply gone. Dang, these pups have mastered manipulating mom. 

Drop Mr Beau off and grab Miss Belle for a very short walk.  Finally have a moment to rest. 

This is the rhythm of my days lately.  It will change even more dramatically after Belle's surgery.  But for now we are simply waiting.  Making her as comfortable as possible.  Trying to get her to be calm and to rest (fearful this is a losing battle). The days that where flying past seem to have slowed again.  Dramatically slowed. 

I guess it's like waiting for Christmas as a kid or vacation as a working adult.  Those are clock hands that never move.  I assume, watching my baby suffer is what is slowing time down so much. 

In the midst of it all, Beau still needs his walks, he is healing also.  Although his needs will be life long. 

 I've found myself in a place of stagnation.  I have three quilts in progress, I haven't really done much on them.  I find myself doing my daily chores and then I sort of spin.  Nothing grabs my attention.  I just pace and feel stuck. 

I finished up a project for my son and now I am trying to direct my energy back to the other things.  The quilts, the unfinished sweater, the mending... it all feels a bit much and at the same time stuck. 

I'm back on that balance beam.  

Focused, trying to hold myself steady as I move my feet one in front of the other.  Not allowing the distractions to overwhelm me, pushing the fears and the anxiety to the side.  Praying Hubs' next procedure will finally have him feeling like himself. 

Moving forward. I know this is only a season, as the year wraps up we will look back and celebrate many victories. We will find ourselves camping and hiking again by late summer/early fall.  I know this, I feel it in my very soul.  

But geez, the journey...

Any fellow balance beam walkers?  

Take care, rest and be kind to yourself, 

love, 

b

pampering...

Good Ol' Mid-West.  Don't like the weather, wait around for a minute it's bound to change. This morning was so beautiful! Even though it started off cloudy and threatening rain, that passed super quick.  Hubs and I knew we wanted to take the pups for a good walk, knowing that the weather was supposed to turn. And boy did it!

By 7:00 this morning we were heading to Rockwood Conservation Area, we had decided we might have time to get the first leg of the walk in if we hurried. The pups were losing their minds, it is definitely one of their favorite spots to go. I was only semi-joking around when I suggested that we'd have time to do the entire Lime Kiln trail, and I'm not sure what prompted Hubs to agree, but agree he did. It was one heck of a walk and parts of it, were definitely made for much younger people.  

At one point our Belle wasn't sure what to do and Mom had to actually lift her down.  I haven't lifted that stinker since she was under a year, she was so afraid, but finally gave in and let me do it.  We came, we saw, we conquered.  Although I can pretty much guarantee we will not do it again.  3.2 miles, no big deal.  We started at around an elevation of 344' and reached an elevation of 704' several times.  The assents and descents were brutal, the flat bits were paradise.  It was an absolutely gorgeous hike.  It required a lot of concentration and questioning if we were in our right minds. 

natures artwork, so inspiring

As we neared the end of the trail, glimpsing our car way below the winds were just starting to pick up.  We walked a bit of flat ground at the end to cool down and rest.  The skies were bright blue as we left and we were optimistic that mother nature was playing tricks with everyone. 

I felt we'd both earned a massage for our efforts and booked us at one of my favorite places.  If you haven't ever treated yourself to a Chinese Massage, run to the nearest one now.  I prefer deep massages, Hubs not so much, both of us were game for 90 minutes of complete pampering.  The intense reflexology, hot stones and oils.  Well, I won't say we were sad in the least, maybe not ready to tackle any more trails today, but we weren't feeling any pain. 

I was still feeling pretty positive that the storms that had been predicted were going to pass us by.  At 3:00 pm the skies were still filled with light fluffy clouds, not the kind you expect rain from at all. 

After a morning of working out hard and being pampered I was a bit behind on all the things I needed to get done.  And was working in the kitchen, a combination of making beef jerky, freeze dried dog treats and simmering down the tomatoes to eventually go into the freeze dryer for tomato powder, I was definitely focused on the tasks at hand. The door was open to let the soft breeze sweep through the house, I love fresh air, when I noticed the change.  

Around 4:00 pm the shift happened third winter started to roll in. The winds got crazy, the clouds became dark, rolling and angry. Just as I was walking to the door to close it the hail started. All I could think, was here we go again.... even as it passed as quickly as it started.  I was just carrying all the freeze-dryer trays downstairs when I heard the sirens. 

Toby Keith's "Trailerhood" started playing in my mind. "A tornado comin'", no not a tornado, just a warning.  As we are definitely in tornado season we struggle with ourselves when the sirens go off.  Beau is terrified of storms of any kind and he will happily spend hours in the basement, unless you want him to, then it's no go.  

Do we take them down, don't we, will it blow past or do we need to be concerned.  Beau's fear factor can trigger a seizure, after the breakthrough, I was worried. In the end Hubs decided the world outside looked pretty angry and we needed to head down for a bit. I went up to find my sweet big baby laying on my bed shaking, Belle had gone down instantly for treats, but Beau (ironically the treat monster) was definitely not interested in that bribery trick. Although as soon as he saw mom he came running.  Fear won out this time.  

He wasn't as anxious with the door closed as usual, and he even relaxed for a bit.  Miss Belle curled up on the sofa and slept quietly and deeply. Beau sat on the steps judging every move I made, waiting for me to head up and open the door to freedom.

It's now almost 8:30 pm, the winds have died down, doesn't seem like any damage.The rain is falling steadily, and the temperatures are heading down at an alarming speed. A sweatshirt was too heavy this morning, tomorrow I will need a heavy winter coat as I go walking. Who knows this is the mid-west, by next week, we might be breaking out the shorts. 

Thankfully Beau seems calm with no sign of seizure activity. In fact Hubs, Beau and Belle are all sleeping soundly, while I wait to give 9:00 pm meds. Give me strength, cause I am tired. 

Hopefully, if you are in the path of this weather your visit from third winter will be mild and brief.  I love snow, but we don't need any more of it. 

Stay safe and dry... and get the massage.  So worth every penny. 

much love, 

b

it's the little things...

What a glorious day it was! We decided to take the pups for a walk this morning. Hubs was feeling pretty darn good, seems like that first procedure is going really well, and third winter is supposed to be hitting again tomorrow. So the sunshine and warm temps were calling our names.  

I think I have gotten Hubs hooked on walking and hiking through the woods. And watching the rebirth all around you is only that much more intoxicating. We got an early start, having discovered that it is pretty easy to give Beau his medication while we are out and about, but also because it is far more enjoyable to romp the forest paths when it is just us. 

One of our favorite spots is Rockwood Conservation Area.  We walk the flat part of the Lime Kiln trail when Hubs needs flat ground. Besides there is a beautiful little spot where the water flows out of the side of the "mountain" (hehe... mid-west mountain) that Belle and Beau are passionate about.  They are definitely water pups and can't wait to pounce and splash in it as we are crossing. That section gives us about 2.2 miles, enough. 

Hubs is healing, Belle is maintaining and Beau and I are just having a great time! Getting back in the car Hubs realized he was pretty darn close to hitting his 3 mile walk for the day and was up for another round. I'd read about another Conservation area near the one we were at, so off we went.  Not having the slightest idea what to expect. 

Let's just say Rockwood might have competition! Greensfelder is even bigger, and the paths are insane! We had to share a lot more than we like, it was well after 10 am when we got there.  But the pups did fantastic with the runners and mountain bikes that we had to share the thin paths with.  I was so proud of them.  The only almost hiccup was a runner with his pup, but we were able to step down the hillside a bit to let them zip on by. 

I kept checking with Hubs, telling him to let me know when he was ready to turn around.  We were only going to walk a quarter mile and then turn around. We were having such a great hike that we ended up walking a full half mile in, which meant a half mile back.  Another full mile ticked off for our weekend.  It was so beautiful, we even chatted about the book I was telling you about a bit ago.  "A Walk in the Woods" by Bill Bryson. 

The park reminded me so much of Germany and all the walks I took living there.  I get a bit wrapped up in them and enjoy the journey so much. That park is definitely one that is going to need a lot more exploring and it's only 20 minutes from home.

I wasn't sure the day could get better. Beautiful blue skies, the bright pops of colors starting to pop up through the deary browns of winter.  And spending time with Hubs and the pups.  Does it get any better?

Why, yes it can, and it did.  Hubs grabbed the mail and asked me if I was expecting anything from his sister in Alabama, nope, I sure wasn't. But I was definitely curious.  Sis hadn't mentioned she was sending anything and I could hardly wait to see what was in that soft brown package. 

Remember I said that somewhere along the way my copy of "A Walk in the Woods" had gotten misplaced, I did briefly look to see if I could find another copy, but I got distracted (what is new there?) and never finished the quest. 

I had absolute tears in my eyes when I opened the envelop and there was a beautiful new copy of it!  I can hardly wait to dive into it again.  Normally, I am not a fan of surprises.  But gifts of pure love, well now... That just filled my heart to over flowing.  She found it at a book sale at her library.  

It's sitting beside my chair.  I have another book I am wrapping up right now.  It's an educational one, and I am learning a great deal, so I want to finish it.  I will have at least 8 weeks keeping my Belle still and healing.  I will mentally take a long walk with Bill as I tend to my girl. 

I felt so heard, I'm still smiling and it was hours ago. It filled my heart with so much love, that something so trivial as a book I loved mattered.  Thank you Sis!  I will never lose this copy or my note from it. 

Hubs and I will probably hit the trails a bit again tomorrow, the morning has cleared and the storm is waiting for later in the day.  Not sure if we will take our pups, we worry about our Belle. But a few miles connecting with nature before she reminds us who is actually in charge isn't a bad thing. 

I can't wait to blow the cobwebs out of my memory and read my book.  I can't wait to remember the day dreams that came with it all those years ago.  Nope, I am fairly positive I will never hike the Appalachian Trail myself, but I can definitely live vicariously through his words. 

It's super late for me, my eyes are struggling to stay open, but I have to give my Beau his 9 pm meds.  Then I will head up and go to bed myself.  Tomorrow is another day.... 

Celebrate the small tokens of love, they really make life feel magical. 

much love, 

b

walking in the rain...

The rain definitely arrived last night.  I heard it coming down around 4 am, the steady rhythm beating on the chimney vent. Thankfully, it was only rain.  No high winds, hail or any of the other chaos that was predicted.  We need the rain, it's been so dry for several years now, I am definitely not complaining.  I just hate the fear and anxiety that the big storms create in Beau.  

Personally, I love a good thunder storm, the louder and brighter the better.  Beau, not so much.  And tornado weather will set him off like crazy. We don't need any of that chaos, just bring the rain. 

It's my first born's birthday today.  I am hoping we will be able to steal her and the family away for dinner tonight.  I so want an opportunity to celebrate her.  She is a busy gal though, raising her own babies and doing all the things.  So we will see. 

I always drift back to her arrival in my mind and heart today.  She came into the world ready to conquer it and I feel like she does that every day.  She is so incredibly strong and powerful.  I didn't have the slightest idea what I was doing as a young mom, but I am blessed every day by her presence in my life.  My aunt was terrified of me being a mom, I didn't handle her baby spitting up on me particularly well just a short few years before and when he started to wail I definitely passed him back.  I remember her telling me if it was too much for me that she'd take her and raise her until I was ready.  

It was a loving idea, but definitely not my idea. I grew up raising that strong willed little Blondie.  She shaped me in ways she will never know.  She taught me patience. She instilled in me resilience. She inspired faith.  And she often forced me to look outside of what was normal for me.  She and I are absolutely nothing alike in so many ways. And yet in even more ways we are the same.  It just depends on what level you are looking from. 

God blessed me so much with my girl.  The amount of joy and pride that I have in who she is and the strength that she steps boldly into life, really has no words.  Pure love doesn't need words.

I spent the first part of today spoiling the fur babies.  The rain stilled.  I debating just walking in the neighborhood.  Close enough to dash home if it started again.  But, honestly the neighborhood is so boring.  I mean you can only look at the same thing so many times.  Besides that your muscle memory kicks in when you do the same walk every day.  

So we took our chances.  We didn't go far, just down to the river.  Since we are under a flood warning, I was curious how much it had risen and if we would be able to follow the path we were planning.  Did I seriously just say we?  I guess I did ask them if that is the place they wanted to go, but in all fairness, I am not sure they had a say in the matter.  

I love watching the world wake up from it's winter slumber, even in the dreariness of the rain and darkened skies you can see the bright green popping out everywhere.  Along the path, the river raging just below flood stage you could see the vibrate shade of the new moss blanketing the ground beneath the trees. Still naked, some of them starting to form tiny colorless buds.  If you look closely you will see the daffodils, jonquil and henbit popping up all around provide the first signs of life on the sides of the path.  The honeysuckle is springing to life also.  Sadly, most of it around here is the invasive non-native kind, the bright green leaves are not really a welcome sign, as it signals our native plants are yet again going to fight for the precious spring rays that will bring life to them. 

The rain held for the entire 3 mile walk.  My sweet pups couldn't resist the call of the mud puddles.  Of course the white dog is the one with the greatest passion for a good mud puddle. I haven't been able to get a picture of the big goofy smile he always has while bouncing happily in the muck, although I do keep trying.  It definitely makes the extra bath worth it.  Belle always succumbs to the temptation, but Beau always leads the way!

Lifting them both into the car, realizing they were both soaking wet, I was definitely questioning the intelligence of my decision. The big goofy smiles and tails wagging assured me I'd made the right choice. 

The skies darkened deeper, the rain started falling.  Home we went. 

Pups are lounging asleep.  If I picture could have captured Beau's snoring, it would have been loud and deep.  Rainy days are for napping....

Well, I have things to do and chatting isn't getting them done.  

much love, 

b