bittersweet memories...

It's been roughly 7 years, maybe a bit longer, maybe a bit less.  I am not sure.  What I do know is that the emotions that hit me walking into the MX last night were powerful.  It was my baby, I'd put so much into it.  Lost myself for a while.  Too many long days, nights, weekends... wow, just wow. 

As I hugged my dear friends and wandered around the building that I used to know so very well. A few faces were vaguely familiar, the rest unknown.  I met a new face, what an amazing young lady.  She'd been afraid I would slip on some water and had rushed in to warn me.  I had to laugh.  I knew every spot that water might pool in there and was already stepping aside.  I thanked her.

We talked for a bit, she told me the things she loved about the building and people.  I shared with her my memories.  The joy I had felt cutting the ribbon on that place and building a family with the people inside the doors.  It was fun.  It reminded me of all the reasons I had stayed through the hard times.  For a small, tiny moment, I missed it all. 

I felt myself kick into the old protective mode.  Lifting up people's spirits about the loss they would soon suffer, chatting with them about other options for them and what buildings might fit their needs the best once the MX closed it's doors for good. You always find good people when you expect to. 

I was blessed to spend a bit of time with people that mean a great deal to me.  Walking through memories that I thought I had built a wall around and feeling tears well up, threatening to spill over as I walked out the door.  I will probably go a time or two before they are locked the final time.  A few more moments to remember and celebrate the team I was blessed to be a part of, the dream we tried so hard to make into a reality.  I'm sure nothing as grand as the beautiful art hotel the old Y was replaced with will take it's place, closing that one tore my very soul.  Who knows, before long I might walk through the doors of 1528 again.  But those memories still bite.  They cause a sense of loss that has pain tied to it... who knows... 

It was a weekend of memories, something I rarely participate in.  For a huge history buff... someone that could literally walk into the past and forget to walk back to the present, my own history is something I rarely revisit.  I block it out mentally and physically.  I have a nasty habit of cutting the ties, refusing to hold on to things.  I truly have no idea why, but I definitely do it. 

Hubs on the other hand, has a remarkable ability to remember it all!!!  I mean, dates, times, names, the weather, the feeling, you name it he can remember it and the moment it occurred and probably most everything that has happened to the person, place or thing in the adjoining years.  

This weekend, I saw him brought to tears of joy.  I actually witnessed him physically being drawn back to a space and time that even predated him.  No, I am not suggesting he was remembering a time that was before he was even conceived, although with him nothing would truly surprise me.  But he was given a blessing that few of us receive. 

Over the past few weeks, we've been cleaning out some clutter and stuff that is simply taking up space.  One of those areas is the old album collection.  The one that sits gathering dust, filled with memories that no one is going to want when we've left this plane. 

We tagged teamed to get the listing typed up, me typing, him reading.  We'd finished all the full albums and decided to tackle the 78's and 45's.  As we sorted through the dusty records, we found a few treasures.  Records that were physically recorded by his older brother.  He was a a drummer after he returned home from the war. These felt priceless. 

One of the records was from 1947, it was a recorded letter home to his dad and mom. A few others were slightly more recent, probably early 50's, these were self-recordings of him and his wife. Evidently she had been either a singer or musician also.  They were dusty, covered in slight scratches and we didn't have a record player.  They will return home on Friday.  

Hubs being Hubs got into a conversation with the young man that bought one of the collections he was selling and what a happy God wink that was!  The young man had just bought a turntable that could make digital recordings.  His own brother had passed away young, he understood the desire to hear their voice again.  

Nowadays, it's easier.  There are recordings, phone messages, videos... we seem to have them everywhere. But from 1947?  Junior has been gone since the early 90's.  We have pictures, we have random bits of things.  But to hear his voice?  To listen to his drumming?  Nope, those things were lost to him. 

The young man took the records home with him.  He promised to get on it before the weekend was over.  What a gamble.  To trust those irreplaceable treasures to a stranger... But trust he did. 

Saturday morning, I was in the process of doing about a dozen things at once... pure chaos!  Cooking, gardening, tidying the house - when I heard Hubs call up from the basement.  Demanding I come down. It sounded so urgent.  He does this thing where he won't tell me why he needs me, just makes it sound critically urgent and then silence. 

It drives me nuts and I know I was a bit fussy, I was so busy in that moment. Something about the look on his face stopped me from being my usual smarty pants and I paused on the steps.  Yes, my need for instant answers was absolutely killing me, but I paused.  I watched him fiddling with his phone and speaker.  Frustration mounting, but curiosity starting to win the battle. 

Then in a mix of snaps, pops and scratches, across the decades came the voice.  It was hard to make out, but there was Juniors' voice.  I can't remember the full date, but he definitely said it, my brain stuck on the 1947... his "letter" home from the front in Germany.  

Watching my sweet Hubs melt, his eyes full of tears of joy.  That was irreplaceable. The young man recorded and sent to him every bit that could be heard.  With the magic of technology, Junior was at our home, Hubs was able to listen, to remember, to share those memories.  It truly was a God wink.  An unexpected gift and treasure.  

Definitely a weekend of memories.  Some joyous, some more melancholy and painful.  Time spent with friends and ghosts of the times gone by.  I had been sad about the number of my team that have passed away, silenced.  Hubs was gifted with his brother's voice and musical skills.  The past didn't seem so far away. 

This week is dawning busy.  Hubs has appointments almost everyday this week as we start the process of healing his shoulder, finally!  We will also be getting ready for a city wide yard sale and I get to start on the memory quilt that I have been commissioned to make. 

Did I tell you about that?  Oh what an exciting journey it is going to be!  I am going to be using a veteran's uniforms to create a memory quilt for him.  We have the bones planned out, but the rest?  Well... I can't wait to see it come to life.  Memory quilts are some of my absolute favorite things to make. I can't wait to share it with you. 

I haven't gotten any further on the bit that is making me think - which is why I haven't shared it yet.  It is slowly taking form in my mind and heart. That bit of a conundrum is still lingering there, waiting for attention.

Well, I need to get busy, it's going to be an overwhelmingly busy kind of day and sitting around isn't going to happen. 

my boys...

I hope everyone has a wonderful week...

much love, 

b

kaleidoscopes...

Do you remember the distinctive sound of the kaleidoscope when you turned it.  The soft sound of the bits moving into another form of themselves? I know they still make them, I saw one at the End of the Commons, when we visited there.  I actually almost bought one.  My fingers slid softly over it, I didn't understand why I was being drawn to it.  

Yesterday, our personal kaleidoscope flipped to another scenario again.  We are in a holding pattern, no surprise there.  I almost have to laugh.  Growing up a military brat, becoming a military spouse and now the wife of a veteran there is a phrase that you hear often.  Hurry up and wait.  Funny how true it is. Even once you move into the civilian world.  And we are currently navigating both worlds and hoping they line up properly.

Hubs shoulder is a bit more of a mess than we thought.  Correction, it is a lot more of a mess than we thought. The original fix is off the table.  When a surgeon informs you that they wouldn't consider it for a member of their own family, you probably need to listen.  But of course there is always a plan b.  And Plan B it is.  We are waiting to find out when the schedule will allow it, but Hubs is going to have to have a reverse Shoulder replacement.  Part of it sounds far more intense, but a bigger part of it sounds like a far better solution with an incredible outcome.  For today we wait. Did you hear it shift?

There have been a lot of shifts lately and I'm just trying really hard to process them all.  

Around 10 years ago, I had the absolute great honor of getting ready to opening a new facility.  With what was arguably the greatest team of people imaginable. It was bright, welcoming and beautiful.  We worked together so well, laughter was usually the language of the day. Shortly after returning home from Pennsylvania, I received word that hurt my heart.  It was something I have expected since opening day, but dreaded seeing just the same. 

I don't have words to describe the sense of loss of something that I walked away from a very long time ago.  But it was there just the same.  As I read the texts, and talked to one of the people that had been part of our team, tears streamed down my cheeks.  That building was very significant for me.  I put far more blood, sweat and tears into it than anything else in recent memory.  It ate up time I could have spent with my Dad as he was dying, it took precious time from my family and it was all consuming.  

I've spent the past almost two weeks processing, coming to terms with something that I always knew was inevitable.  I am going to make time soon to go visit before it closes for good.  I will probably take a few pictures to remember it.  Who knows.  I haven't been back since I left, it was far too painful of a feeling.  It had been very important to me.  I fought hard for it.  I gave up so very much.  I remember sitting in my office sobbing when I found out I was moving to a different location.  It was so very important to me. As with all things, I put it behind me.  Allowed time to seal it off from my memories.  Moved on with life.  Now all of it is a bittersweet memory that occasionally comes to visit.  

Most of that incredible group of people have either scattered or passed away.  Time does that.  Some live far away, others live close, but the tie that bound us together has frayed.  It definitely breaks my heart to think of it.  At the same time, I am so incredibly grateful for that time.  For the people.  For the opportunity.  For the memories that will continue to seep through as time goes on. 

Yep, that kaleidoscope definitely shifted a lot with that news, moving forward and snapping backwards, trying to focus itself. 

My life is so very different now.  It's calmer, things rarely send our kaleidoscope spinning.  Right now, it's not so calm.  It's moving fairly rapidly, bringing the next beautiful lens into place. There are lessons we are learning, opportunities that we are taking advantage of and others waiting to be explored.  There is healing, adjusting and restructuring taking place all in the same breaths. 

At moments it feels exciting, at other moments it all feels overwhelming, and unsteady.  For people that thrive on steady and rhythmic flows to life... well... let's just say our cheese has been moving around a lot lately. 

I'm working on something that for me feels big.  It feels a lot like the feelings of opening that facility felt.  There is uncertainty.  There are doubts and questions.  Yet, each moment feels like another step forward. 

Conundrum is the word that snapped into my mind this morning around 5 am, and it has been living there ever since.  I was sitting and knitting, watching the needles moving swiftly around my fingers, laughing at the remains of polish that I am hesitant to removed because I don't want to damage my nails. The bright red tips clashing with or complimenting the deep forest green yarn of my sweater. 

Conundrum.  

It was there the entire time I was doing yard work, cleaning up the kitchen and showering.  Like a drumbeat.  I'm sure it will linger a bit longer, until I figure how the next steps in what I am considering.  It's pointing out to me the absurdity of what I am thinking of.  

I am a deeply introverted person.  At the same moment, I absolutely love people.  

Sounds like a great theme for a drama or comedy doesn't it.  Instead, it is simply the story of my life.  It is where the stumbling blocks lie. 

Maybe tomorrow I will have more answers.  Maybe the path will be clearer.  But for today... I have peppers to harvest.  Some will find their way to the dehydrator to make a unique pepper flake mixture.  Some will either be pickled or candied - haven't decided yet.  I have seeds to plant while we have this freaky extended summer.  And I have a list of other things.  All of them will lend themselves to the next part of the journey.  The question is how... 

Darn there it is again... Conundrum... 

Gotta run... 

much love, 

b

where did August go??

How is it even possible that I have been home for almost three weeks?  I am fairly certain that the entire month of August just slipped away into nothingness.  One moment I was planning my vacation, the next... well lets just say it's been a wild and busy ride. 

Somehow I turned 61, I flew back home, spent time with loved ones, talked to the wee hours, laughed about the strangest things.  Explored a lake filled with giant carp and the ducks and geese that walk on their backs, spent hours tasting chocolate - Pennsylvania you are amazing! Visited all the surrounding communities, the Amish shops, End of the Commons. All the little towns from my childhood zipped past as we explored.  

It was like looking at a kaleidoscope and turning it faster and faster trying to make it all line up. 

One day was wide open in the morning so my uncle took me to Cleveland to explore the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  We were the only two without plans that day.  

I had so much fun learning to ride a 4 wheeler and exploring my aunt and uncle's farm. Without a moments hesitancy I could move up to the small area they live in.  My soul felt pure peace out there.  The beauty, the calmness - yup I was definitely day dreaming a lot.  I loved feeding the cats, staring at the cows (definitely reminded me of living in Washington and taking care of the cows), the ducks and chicken... Yeah, I could so have loved that kind of life.  

I spent hours visiting my other uncle at the VA, I was blessed to have some incredible conversations and alone time with him.  My aunt let me know that he had been wanting a new quilt.  So I asked him what he'd like.  He definitely had some great ideas and I was excited to get home and start on it. The Erie VA is incredible!  I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but it definitely wasn't what I found.  I'm still exploring the change that it created in my spirit, the people were so kind, so loving and attentive.  I worked in a senior center a long, long time ago.  It scarred me.  Deeply.  This experience was healing.  Being a veteran caused damage that will never be repaired, but the respect, care and dignity given to him and the rest of the veteran's living there was beautiful.  It gave me hope. 

I spent time bumming around Edinboro and surrounding areas with my cousin on our cousins day!  We are significantly apart in years... I mean she was less than 5 when I got married the first time and she was at my wedding.  But we are so much alike in many, many ways. Getting to know her as an adult was great!  We explored all kinds of shops - hippie, chocolate, community markets - with only local goods (OMGEEEE!).  I might have teased her for putting our day together via AI - but dang, AI did a great job planning it out.  Which is downright scary. 

I saw family that I barely remembered.  I visited places that sparked incredible memories.  Dusty and vague now, but incredible just the same.  My aunt and uncle took me to the peninsula, past places that actually seemed smaller in my memories, Ashtabula, Conneaut, Edinboro, Mesopotamia, Albion, and of course Erie.  We spent time walking through so many neat shops, farmers stands, Amish markets, Amish furniture stores that made Walmart look tiny.  

I finally got to meet some folks that were literally just names to me.  Parts of my family, but ones I wasn't sure I'd ever met.  Now that I have, what a great group of people to be connected to.  Being a military brat, your roots are sometimes splintered and vague - names and memories that are there only because of the verbal stories.  

Most importantly we spent time together.  There is never enough time and those days flew past in a blur.  I came home with more chocolate than any human needs - thankfully it wasn't all for me, a ton of recipes and pictures.  But mostly a full heart.  Overflowing with love and joy from spending time with the people that helped shape who I am, that continue to do so.  I had a blast laughing with mom, watching her meld back into her family as if she'd never been away.  The trip was far too short for all the reconnecting. 

And to think I almost didn't go.  Straight up to the morning we left I almost cancelled. 

On my birthday, as we came home from voting we decided to stop for a coffee, Hubs had a few minutes to spare before he headed off to work. Needless to say, we should have skipped it. Leaving the parking lot an older gentleman thought he should try driving on the wrong side of the road.  We weren't in danger, but Hubs was looking down as I stopped the car to avoid being hit. He looked up in time to see the car almost hitting us and flinched.  HARD!  He brought his shoulder up in an abrupt manner that caused him severe pain.  To the point that he jumped out of the car holding his arm.  

We spent the majority of the day at the Emergency room.  Without answers, other than, referral to orthopedic, a sling, lots of pain meds and no work until they could figure it out.  He is still working on healing, over a month later.  We have answers now, sort of.  Tomorrow we finally will meet the surgeon and schedule surgery.  He has complete tears to 3 of 4 of the tendons in his rotator cuff, and to quote the doctor the 4th one is really pissed off. 

It was so bad that he didn't even get to celebrate my birthday, he stayed home sleeping while my girls and I went out.  We painted pottery and ate even more chocolate - yep that was definitely the theme for August - lots of chocolate. But we did bring him home some. 

Less than a week before we were supposed to leave it felt like the wheels were definitely coming off the bus. Not to mention the usual chaos of getting ready for a trip.  I had to also plan meals etc for a Hubs that couldn't use his dominate arm and whose left arm isn't strong due to an injury decades ago. Yikes!  My stress was way out of control. Mentally, I think I shut down anything that wasn't needed to actually function and pull off the trip. 

I spent that short bit of time arguing with myself about the wisdom of my trip, the timing, the necessity of staying home and caring for Hubs and the pups.  Hating myself for feeling so selfish, because I had been looking forward to it and really wanted to go.

I'd finally decided I was going to go, I'd just be a stressed out wreck the entire time.  I wanted to take the trip with mom, I knew in my heart they would be okay, even if my mind was creating tons of worst case scenarios. Knowing if I absolutely had to I could rent a car and be home within 10 hours. 

I dealt with the stress in the only normal way a woman should and chopped 10 inches of hair clean off!

I packed the night before, yeah, I'm organized like that.  It was hot, I didn't sleep great.  I was anxious about flying, not a fan.  I was a bit stressed about the situations I was leaving behind, but still okay.  

I got up, made coffee, quietly moving through my final preparations to leave in a few short hours.  Beau and Belle came down, bouncing and excited, I was getting ready to run to the bank to grab a bit more cash, so I decided to take them with me.  I figured they would love a short walk in the beautiful sunshine, I knew Hubs would not be able to take them while I was gone. 

Sitting in the drive up lane, I heard him making weird noises behind me, it looked like he'd thrown up, I was a bit stunned.  So I pulled over to walk them on the sidewalk and let him get fresh air.  Nope, he hadn't thrown up.  He was having breakthrough seizures.  Focal/facial thankfully not grand mal. 

I finally managed to get him back in the car, get them home and call the emergency vet.  VEG is incredible and so very, very helpful.  They talked me through giving him extra kepra, I talked to both my daughter and best friend, I arranged back up on back up for Hubs.  If Beau had needed the vet there was no way he was getting him there. I was absolutely terrified.  

Two hours until leaving, my boy had 5 seizures.  The extra kepra worked. It stopped them, it calmed him.  I was an absolute nervous wreak, but I got on the plane. I had back ups for Beau, back ups to take care of Hubs appointments.  I was simply going to have to deal with it all from PA. 

I still question the wisdom of getting on the plane, although everyone survived and the world didn't stop.  Hmmm.... oldest daughter anxiety was strong that week! 

Coming home, I stepped back into all the things I had left sitting as I traveled.  Adding to it I have been adjusting to my daily routine changing while Hubs is at home and healing. I am definitely a creature of habit and it threw my entire schedule out the window, my core was struggling for a bit. 

House is caught up, gardens and yard took a few more days - ugghhh it was freaking hot, I spent a few days regrouping and simply crocheting and knitting (I was working on my birthday sweater from Hubs and it provided me with an anchor - something I need during changes), taking Hubs to an assortment of appointments and navigating our new normal for this season. 

After I got myself organized, I ordered all the supplies to make my uncle his quilt, as soon as it arrived I got busy.  I am beyond pleased with it, he has an amazing sense of color, whether he knew it or not.  Everything worked together and within a week it was made and mailed, UPS got it there with almost overnight speed - even though I sent it basic.  And the pictures and phone call had me in tears. I am so blessed to have been able to make it for him. 

Today, I am enjoying the cool morning, sipping coffee and feeling like life is finally in a bit of order.  Last night I got an order for a custom quilt for another veteran.  I can't wait to start it.  I love puzzles and creating a quilt from someone's memory is the ultimate puzzle. 

Tomorrow, there will be more answers, a more solid time line.  A better sense of what the future holds and how long these changes will be a part of our current season in time.  Stress is a bit more controlled, Hubs is in less pain - sort of - maybe he's just learning what not to do to avoid extreme pain. He's currently home, they can't accommodate his restrictions, it's starting to fall into an even flow. Beau has been doing well, since his breakthrough.  We are navigating other things that this injury has brought forward.  We will solve all of it, we always do. 

For now, birthday sweater finished, another one started.  Gardens cared for and harvest is being processed.  The leaves area starting to fall, the Earth's season is starting to change, our season is too.  

Missed ya'll... 

much love, b