it hits different...

Hubs and I have definitely had a few hectic weeks.  Between the chaos of the vehicles, the insanity of his job (I used to say career, but I feel more and more that is a very old fashioned term that doesn't fit what is happening in this world today), helping our girls, and just plain living.  Well, it's been chaotic.  One minute is rushing, the next is waiting.  One is spent longing for more hours in the day to finish something we enjoy, the next is spent in a bubble of disgust at how long the torture will last. 

The weather didn't help much either, like I said, it's been hectic.  It's been intense.  And oddly for me a bit therapeutic. The air in my car is being persnickety again. So I haven't been doing much of the driving as Mother Nature is once again reminding us that it is summer in the Midwest and it is going to be completely miserable, no matter what we think. I kind of giggle when folks start in about climate change and how insanely hot it is, only to have a memory pop up on social media from a decade or more back talking about the same miserable temperatures and humidity. 

Dang our memories get shorter every day.  

We've been helping our girl out with a few projects that have meant a lot of traveling and doing things.  Hubs has been driving. It's not that I can't drive the truck, I definitely can, I'm just short, it isn't sized great for me. Therefore, I have slid back into the time where he drove and I do some type of needlework while we travel about. While I work on projects I rarely gravitate towards my phone, I don't surf, I don't waste time playing mindless games.  I might pick it up because something has bounced into my mind that I want to look at or research for a moment, but it is rare that it lasts long.  I'm far too focused on my projects.  Even now, while I take a short break, I am longing to pick up my needles and get that last 2.5 inches done so I can start the waist band of the beautiful sweater.  

I've been lost in thought.  That is the beauty of knitting a basic stitch, your mind can wander, your thoughts are allowed to roam.  And, boy oh boy have mine been roaming, if they had a passport, I am fairly sure I would need additional pages.

I've daydreamed about future and unfinished projects.  About plans to get them finished and or started. I've wandered through the catalogs of ideas in my mind, I've made mental to do lists and added new hopes and dreams to the piles.  I've questioned whether we live long enough to chase all those dreams and when do we decide to prune the list.  Or do we ever? Do we just jump in with both feet and live life to it's absolute fullest?

Mostly, I've been exploring why I do some of the "crazy and old fashioned" things that I do.  Ya know, things like carefully washing and preparing organic grapes to make my sweet Hubs raisins. Or churning butter, definitely the new way thank you Kitchen Aid! Or maybe it's the yogurt that is always in some stage of being made in our home.  Maybe's it's making quilts or knitting sweaters.  And don't forget the garden or Hubs and I installing his new bumper, even if install was easy enough that I was simply needed to hold it steady while he tightened the nuts and bolts. 

Why don't I go the easy route?  Why am I not okay with the basic stuff from the store.  Why am I obsessed with living a very different life?  And I am obsessed. I don't fit in the boxes that the world seems to want us in.  I'm not a neat and tidy soul.  I'm chaotic on a good day.  On a bad... well... lets pretend those don't happen. 

I thrive on challenges, on thinking things through and coming up with solutions, ideas, hopes, yeah you get where this is going don't you?  I know, I am lost in the wrong generation.  This time frame isn't mine, never has been. 

There is a path to where these thoughts are heading, believe it or not.  Back when I worked in a non-profit one of the biggest questions is what is there of my middle age group kids.  Those kiddo's that were too old for day care and too young for adulthood (although this age seems to be getting older and older - something I find terrifying).  We struggled through many conversations, many brain storming sessions, never really finding a solution. 

Fast forward to the past few weeks.  The news has been filled with preteen and teen chaos (and definitely NOT the good kind).  Those lost ages seem to be getting more and more intent on filling their own time, in their own way and nothing good is coming out of it.  Businesses destroyed, property damage, masses of out of control youngsters that haven't learned about consequences or ever really faced them.  Heck I woke up to reading about two 16 year old - I struggle to call them kids when they can do what they did, that targeted and murdered 5 people, just across the river.  All just looking for something to absorb their energy, to kill the boredom they are facing and most importantly to be accepted by their peers.  Other young people that are just as lost and out of useful ideas are guiding the masses. 

Heaven help us all!

I often feel my generation started the snowball rolling at warp speed and none of us have stepped back long enough to see the entire situation as a whole. My generation was when mom's left the home en-mass to take up roles outside the home. The need for a second income seemed greater than the need for family stability.  Society was telling women that they were being treated like second class citizens, not having the same value and worth as a man, because they were trapped in their homes. 

Gen Xers started being the first full latchkey generation.  Do they still use that word?  Latchkey?  Or is it just a sense of normalcy now for kids to take care of themselves?

Women traded their roles as the CEO of the home for a cubicle somewhere in the name of progress. They started splitting themselves and home became the part time job stuck in around the real "job".  Women started chasing careers and the most important career ever, that of homemaker, parent, and CEO of the family took a backseat. 

Family mealtimes, chores, learning about life and holding kids responsible became less important. Who wants to always be fussing at their kids to raise them right, when they only have a few scattered moments at the end of the day and on weekends to be with them?

In my world this is a seriously deep topic.  One that a few years back I would not have agreed with.  It wasn't until I stepped back from it, that I realized how truly damaging it has been. Families have been shattered by governments and society.  The very things we trusted. 

I think conversations with my now almost 20 year old grand-daughter have been the most enlightening for me. Her lens is powerful in many ways.  My daughter was blessed by fate to be able to be a very engaged parent.  She is home with them, no one else raised them.  Are they perfect?  Heck no, is any person?  I rest my case. But her babies know their safest place in the world is with mom.  It doesn't matter what storms have come their way, and there have been many, they are a unit.  Nothing rocks that family, at least not long term, maybe for a mere moment. Even their brothers grew up knowing love and faithfulness.  That the momma of the family was the rock, the glue that held it all together. 

So many kids today are literally acting out to get mom and dad's attention.  They need that stability, they need to know that they matter more than a paycheck.  I sit back and observe what is going on, the kids, the moms, the dads, the way life is tossing and turning. Shoot even grandparents have been programmed to not have a role in the stability that is needed. 

My grand-daughter pointed out to me that when I was her age I was already a mom.  That by 20, I had lived on my own in another country, had been responsible for my own life, decisions and surviving it all.  She seemed in awe.  I thought it was normal.  As we spoke, I realized with a clarity that semi-scared me, that there is no way on this planet that my precious grand was prepared for any of that.  The schools, families and society as a whole aren't teaching them or providing space for them to learn those skills.  They've spent too much time drifting. Too much time being taught to be a cog in the wheel. Something that most of us naturally rebel against, even if we don't realize it. 

If you talk to my sweet Hubs, his memories revolve around helping his dad with the horses that were their stock and trade. He was only a preteen when he spent a summer basically living in the barn taking care of the horses during the summer.  Today, that would be considered abuse, back then it was normal.  It was a rite of passage into adulthood. He was learning skills, he was learning a trade.  He cherishes those memories.  They shaped who he is today.

I remember being 10 and feeling ashamed that my neighbor a sweet Greek girl named Maria the same age as I was, had already filled her hope chest with beautiful linen's that she had stitched herself.  She was so much more accomplished in homemaking skills because that was the culture.  It was expected to know how to do all of those things and more by a very young age.  It wasn't abuse, or neglect, it was love.  Loving your child and focusing your energy into passing on knowledge they would need to be a strong human in life. I spent hours desperately trying to figure it out, her momma in frustration ended up taking the piece back and finishing it herself. 

Decades later, that still stings.  I still try so hard to learn everything I can, because of that moment in time. Almost 51 years later, I remember the sting.  The tears of failure and the feeling of being less than. 

Is that where our kids are now?  Are they drifting along?  Are they struggling to get from point A to point B, because the road map is washed out in critical areas?  The skills aren't being taught, is it because they weren't learned in the generations before? How many kids today are responsible for a horse, or preparing meals, or making breads, or helping in the garden? Can they make their own clothing?  Prepare a home?  Heck plan a budget?

Is that where we started this slippery slope that we seem to be on? Sure they can learn to code.  I admit I hate that phrase more than anything.  Not everyone fits that world.  What are we doing, giving, teaching that is burning their natural energy?  How many of them are hiking, spending time in nature, fishing, hunting (if that is your thing), if the grocery stores we rely on vanished tomorrow could they forage? I saw a sign the other day that I want to make for my garden... "Every plant is edible... ONCE!"

How many realize what it takes to bring meals to the table?  Earn money?  Where are the youngsters mowing lawns because that is what is expected of them.  That they do things that contribute to the family and society as a whole.  If they were busy being productive how much of the chaos would disappear?  Where are the young Einstein's and Edison's?  Are the next generation of Wright Brothers being encouraged and motivated to go further than the generation before?  I am fairly sure I wrote about the young boys down the hill a few weeks ago that were developing their own transportation from a skateboard, lawn-chair and various bits of wood.  That is what we need to be encouraging.  Feeding that creative and inquiring nature. 

When did we stop with the mindset, that if they want to go to the movies, mall, store - whatever - they earn the dollars to go?  They sure aren't mowing yards, shoveling snow, raking leaves, having lemonade stands, babysitting, dog walking... whatever earned them a few spending dollars. Things that gave us a purpose as we were growing up, our children shun.  It's beneath them. And the few that do, want to retire on a few hours of work so you better be prepared to pay up if you want their help. 

And what about kids helping seniors in their area?  Does that occur?  Or are they just looking for the next good time?

Maybe the answer was never what could we provide to keep them busy so much as what is the expectation of what they could learn and do as they grew into adults. With responsibilities, there isn't time for chaos and destruction.  

When you have worked hard, you don't want what you have put your everything into to be ruined and destroyed. Years ago, when I first moved here I volunteered for a playground build.  I was in charge of a group on inner city kids and teaching them how to build the benches for the playground.  Talk about stressful, thank goodness the boards were pre-cut - I definitely wasn't up for teaching them to safely use saws.  There were more stripped screws than I could count, they had to learn to take them out and start over.  It was hot, we were in direct sun and it was all a bit overwhelming for kids that had never tried to build anything before. After a long 8 hours 3 big wooden benches had been built.  I gave them sharpies to sign their names on the underside.  Kind of like a secret, no one else knew they'd signed, but they did.  They were so proud of their work.  I've long since lost the picture of those smiling faces, the look of pride and satisfaction only lives in my memory.  Oh yeah, and the fact that several decades later those benches still sit untouched by damage, because they were proud of their work.

Have we failed generations of kids?  Is it too late? I personally do not think it's too late.  Sadly, I don't really think it is going to be an easy transition. Yet, I am hopeful.  I see a younger generation, I've given up trying to figure out what they are called at this point, the one my youngest grand daughter is in, that is pushing to change that. 

The ones shoving away the electronics.  The ones helping with chores, soaking up life skills like an all you can eat buffet.  I don't think it's too late.  I do wonder if we are willing to tough love them enough to make it out the other side in one piece. And for that matter tough love ourselves.  We lost skills, we lost ideals, hopes and dreams while chasing the easy way.  We have to be willing to push back.  

This morning there is an interesting smell wafting out of the kitchen, it's a combination of beef fat in the process of becoming tallow and kale chips that just finished dehydrating.  My beloved Kitchen Aid is sitting on the counter silent at the moment, waiting for the parts to tune her up.  Evidently that is something that I should have been doing regularly, I didn't know that, but the black oil pouring out of her last night taught me a new lesson.  By tomorrow she will be fine, technology has a place, but it isn't a replacement. 

The freeze dryer is loaded with a combination of soups for my daughter in law and vegetables that are getting a second life because I realized there is no way I was going to be able to use the bounty of the garden before it went bad. And shortly I will be chopping up some bread to dehydrate it and save for stuffing at a later date. 

Yesterday, as Hubs returned to work after vacation, I thoroughly cleaned the house and caught up on chores.  I've already picked most of today's harvest and tended the garden.  Now it's back to learning a new knitting stitch series to make my sweet Hubs elbow patches on his sweater. 

I want to teach others, so badly.  I don't want to see these precious skills drift off into nothing.  We become bored, complacent machines when we don't exercise our brains and bodies.  When we quite growing and learning we become nothing... At least that is how my brain works.  Now if I could just figure out how...

much love, 

b

confused...

Are we turning a corner?  Does anyone else have moments that find them scratching their heads and feeling like they have entered the twilight zone? Or is it possible that I have finally slipped into a space where the people that are entering my life and that I am spending time with are truly kindred spirits?

Strange conversations, activities and interactions keep happening.  The people that I randomly encounter and have conversations with are more aligned than ever and no they absolutely are not all 60 year old women.  

I think that is what seems so surreal.  Hubs and I were at Costco a few weeks back.  And anyone that has every spent a minute knows he does not know a stranger.  AT ALL!  He struck up a conversation with one of the young ladies doing samples as he often does.  The conversation became so lively with others at her station joining in, and other customers also.  It all revolved around how no one knows how to cook anymore, the loss to the education system where home economics and shop classes rarely occurred anymore, where kids learn odd social constructs but not basic life skills,  and how little useful information was being taught. 

You can imagine how the conversation went and grew.  I do have a passion around this topic so it was absolutely incredible to listen to it all.  I can honestly say my jaw almost hit the floor when the most passionate woman in the group mentioned that she was only 23 and that she would NOT be sending her kids to public schools.  She wanted them to learn true life skills and have a productive future.  Another of her co-workers piped in with the same thoughts and concerns.  What?  Huh?

More and more of my neighbors are gardening, I run into folks randomly that are creating gardens, learning skills, searching for ways to learn skills, I find myself deep in conversations about canning, food storage, where to buy quality, chemical free products.  It's absolutely mind-boggling.

I've already shared that my youngest grand-daughter had presented me with her skills wish list for the summer, she wanted to learn to make butter, applesauce and lip balm.  Seems there was something else, but my over stimulated brain is struggling to remember it. 

We started on her list a couple of weeks back.  Butter, lots of it!  At nine years old she is already building her own box of skills, and this gramma couldn't be happier. Who cares about messes?  Not me, they can always be cleaned up.  I care about the memories, the future, the carrying forward of things that society seems to be trying to erase. She was into gardening a few years ago, but made herself sick to her tummy eating all of the cherry tomatoes she grew.  She's boycotting the garden now, but I feel she will come back around before long. 

Last night I was wrapping up the current batch of butter, methodically, slowly, enjoying the journey. Smiling as I looked in the bowl at each step, watching it turn from a thick, heavy raw cream into the soft yellow butter.  No extra ingredients, well until the salt in the final step - because I prefer salted butter. As I squeezed the final drops of buttermilk from my butter my mind slowly wandered to the possibility of either finding an antique butter board or directions to make my own. As I shaped it and put into the mold, I was enjoying the feeling of producing the butter for our use.  Knowing I've eliminated the chemicals and created something that is good for us. 

A series of pictures popped up in Facebook feed from 10 years ago.  It was her older sister at just 10 years old sitting in my sewing room learning to make a skirt for herself.  I remember that day so clearly.

Driving that same sister home from work the other day, our conversation started going into territory that I was not expecting.  When she started to tell me that she is old fashioned and feels that things are spiraling out of control, that there is a lack of morals and consequences for behaviors, that we needed to go back to how things used to be, I was stunned.  What?  Again, HUH?

I was reading an article the other day saying how young folks are shunning electronics and all of the distractions that have been thrown at them since they were young.  How they are craving a 90's childhood experience.  I can't say that I don't agree with them, although I would probably say a 70's childhood is even more wholesome and needed. I can't wait to see bikes littering lawns, and hear laughter as kids gather under streetlights playing with sidewalk chalk.  Of to see kids splashing in puddles after the rain, looking for fireflies at dusk. Mom's and Dad's gathering in the front yards enjoying conversations and a beverage while the kiddo's play.  Be still my heart. 

In a different moment I read an article about young folks buying up the old motels that line almost every back road around, silently sitting there reminding those of us old enough to know of simpler times.  Of road trips with the family to quieter spaces and quality time.  They are breathing life into them.  They are encouraging folks to relive those moments, that peaceful, slower life. I would love to own one of them myself.  A space where the rooms are unique, not cookie cutter and cold.  Where folks could gather outside in the evenings around a small pool or fire pit and talk about their journeys, destinations or simply dreams. 

For a while Hubs and I had dreamed of owning a B&B.  There was always a reason not to.  I could definitely enjoy rehabbing and owning a small roadside motel, where the vacancy sign let you know if there was a room to rent at the end of a day spent exploring those roads less traveled.  Where there might be a fresh snack, not some prepackaged vending machine crap, and a pitcher of cool fresh water to help you relax.  Where a friendly smile and comfy bed waited for you.

I sure hope their dreams catch fire and lead us all back to the slower times. Maybe the old bowl and pitchers will make a reappearance.  My sister sent me a link the other day to one that was for sale, a bowl and pitcher, not motel, I almost bought it.  I love them, they remind me of simpler times, or slower times. The only thing that stopped me is I am trying to declutter, not add to the clutter. 

The farm where I buy a lot of my milk, eggs, meats and veggies among other things is another reminder of the slower, simpler life that I am drawn to.  I love my weekly trip to pick up my order and before long I think Hubs and I will drive out to the shop itself, instead of just relying on the weekly delivery.  Although I adore the folks that deliver everything.  I kept seeing the pictures of their shop and knew that I needed to go in person, I needed to experience the whole process. 

Last week I got a message, the delivery team thought that I had left my glasses at pick up.  It wasn't me, but the fact that they went out of their way to reach me, was powerful. I am pretty sure Walmart, Schnucks or any of the other big boxes wouldn't care less.  They'd even offered to pay for the replacement if they weren't still where they had left them.  Again, what??

Each time I log into their site I find something new added.  It doesn't all come from their farm, it comes from a collaboration effort of farms and people that are so much like myself.  I'd  wished it wasn't so far, it is a community I could lose myself in.  I wished there was something similar closer, instead of huge corporate groceries and shops.  I want mom & pop.  I want real.  I long for real, real everything, not just some of it.  All of it.

Yesterday, Hubs and I made the trip out to Leaning Oaks Farm.  It was only 50 minutes or so, it's out in the middle of absolutely no where.  It's perfect.  Absolutely perfect.  I adore their little shop, we'd only planned to pick up a few things, we bought far more, as it was there to consider we just had to.  The wonderful woman that owns the farm was sweet enough to have the meats that we wanted packaged and in the freezer for us. One of the cows that's had a difficult time since giving birth was lying in the field just beyond the shop, chewing on her hay, watching us.  There was a beautiful farm kitty sitting there, enjoying the sunshine, soaking up the goodness of life. 

Hubs isn't always going to be on vacation, we won't always have time to run out to the store, but we will definitely go back.  I really needed it.  I still do. 

I am focusing hard on creating what we need.  Not rushing to a shop or a big corporate place.  I'm working on Hubs' sweater for example. I want us to have quality, not quantity.  When I finish his sweater it will have over a hundred hours in it.  I'm okay with that.  I know it is 100% wool.  There is nothing else in there, it isn't even dyed.  It is being custom made for him.  He won't run into someone else wearing the same thing.  Ever. The soft fiber calms my soul and allows my heart to rest. And I think of him with each stitch.  It will truly be made with love. 

I don't truly understand what is going on.  I can truly say I am excited for it. It feels like an under current of people realizing that faster, quicker, immediate isn't always better.  It feels like a movement is being born that slides beneath the veneer of today's world.  A movement of people like myself, people that long for simpler, quieter, slower.  Where slow meals, meaningful conversations, good ingredients, quality, truthfulness and kindness still matters. 

anyone want to stoll along a beach?

How are these people, these moments showing up deeper in my space?  Is it because I am intentionally moving deeper into that life?  Is it because like attracts like?  Or is there truly a change happening.  

maybe take a slow walk in the rain?

I wish I knew, I wish I had a crystal ball to give me all the answers.  Sometimes I hate waiting for things to reveal themselves.  The calm I am feeling is giving me hope, the things I am witnesses are unfolding like a promise.  I'm here for it, I want to be part of that kind of movement.  I want to be part of doing things for the greater good, I'm tired of this rat race...

Anyone else noticing this?  Am I the only one? Surely not? I have some other thoughts that I need to share, but I am still processing them.  Still making sense.  So much is going on, so many things feel like they are turning.  Are we at a turning point?

much love, 

b

hello friend...

I had a little visitor this morning while I was outside watering the treetop garden. He flew in and rested, watching me the entire time.  I felt blessed.  I love dragonflies, they fill my heart to overflowing.  I am so unbelievably thankful that my dear friend encouraged me to put in my garden, showing up with pepper and tomato plants she had started from seed.  My funk cleared and I went crazy. Our garden is bountiful so far this year, and seems to be handling this extreme patch quite well. 

As I watered I couldn't believe the growth, the abundance.  I am trying tomatillo's again this year.  They make the best salsa verde (my personal favorite).  I am concerned that once again I will have a beautifully flowering plant, with no yield.  It has grown enormous, covered in beautiful bright yellow flowers, of which not a single one has turned into fruit.  I fear I need to do more research, anyone have any tips - I'll gladly take them. 

It's been such a crazy couple of weeks and I am so far behind on everything.  I have spent far more hours in this heat than I have ever wanted to, and yesterday was by far the worst.  Its a long story for another time, lets just say there are a lot of people on this planet nowadays that are beyond ignorant and wrapped up in themselves. To top it all off the air conditioning in my little Subaru is not keeping up.  

We'd had problems with it when I first bought the car, took it back to the dealership (one I completely would not recommend - but again long story for another time) they worked on it and it's been okay for a few years now.  This was definitely not the time for it to fail.  Especially as I have been doing far more driving than I want to do. Toasty is an understatement. Next week we will worry about getting it looked at, I don't have anywhere to go today, and I am fairly certain I am taking advantage of that fact. 

Today feels like a day for inside, lots of water and rest.  My head is still hurting from the hours in the hot sun and my spirit is weary. I have things I should do, but feel that today will be hydration and knitting.  I might even finally quilt.  Or... and this is far more likely, my conscience is going to kick in and I will get busy on the to do list that has been shoved in the corner repeatedly over the past few weeks.  

Next weeks Hubs is taking vacation, he will be working solid over the following three weeks and will not be able to take our anniversary (23 years!  And they said it would never last) or my birthday off.  Which is our usual routine.  It feels like when we were newlyweds and his work ate up so much family/couple time.  

While he is on vacation we are going to take our little Belle back to see her surgeon.  She's still favoring her leg and it actually seems to be getting worse not better.  I'm praying that she is just fine and it's all part of the healing process, but her surgeon felt it was best to bring her in as she shouldn't be backsliding. Momma's little girl shouldn't be hurting at this point.  Time to investigate. 

I'm sure we will spend a few hours finally finishing up the truck (bumper is coming in on Monday) and then we will definitely find some time for play.  Maybe take our pups on a couple of adventures and possibly even a splash day.  I guess some of that will depend on the weather.  The heat is supposed to pass, but the rain is following it. We'll see, it might just be a great time to veg at home and get some serious relaxing in.  Staycations are pretty darn nice. 

I guess I'll go boil some water for another cup of coffee while I settle in and do something semi mindless for a bit.  I hope everyone is getting ready for an amazing Independence day, I would love to take in some fireworks, but not so sure that will happen.  The pups aren't fans of the noise and we don't risk Beau getting so stressed he has a seizure. We will celebrate just the same, but a bit quieter. 

Have a great day!  Stay cool!

much love, 

b

thought about it...

A few days ago as the sun broke the horizon, we were walking along the flood wall down in Valley Park, the sun rising, the haziness lingering from the moisture in the air.  The deer were making an early morning trek down to the river for a drink or two before moving long. 

There was a definite chill in the air, in fact it was that way for several days. Which I was both incredibly thankful for and a tad puzzled.  The first official day of summer in St. Louis, does not often call for sweatshirts.  But, I will definitely take the blessing.

With the pups we're up to a two mile walk each day again.  Sweet Belle has finally stopped limping a bit after a walk and is definitely full of energy as we cruise along at full speed again.  Again, I am gathering all the blessings!

Yesterday morning Beau kicked me out of bed at 3 am, he was so intent to snuggle close that I ended up on the floor.  Thinking I would laze around snuggled up on the other side of him and try to fall back asleep reading something incredibly boring.  Grabbing my phone to find something boring to read, I was jolted awake by the alarm from my freeze dryer, it couldn't hit pressure, I needed to deal with it.  Did Beau somehow know, is that why he pushed me out of bed? Doubtful, but awfully coincidental. 

the deer from our walk

I started to turn on some kind of news, something to let me know what is going on in the world today.  I considered it.  Until I didn't.  I have serious doubts about the validity of anything you read, watch or hear these days.  All of it seems to be guiding and deceiving one way or another, and frankly, I'm done. 

By the time I dealt with the issues and warmed my fingers back up, I decided it was definitely not going to be a crawl back in bed kind of day. 

The past week has been complicated and extreme, personally I needed a quiet moment or two.  I need the outside world to stay outside. I need the time to dig into my list and focus.  

Last Saturday things were moving along beautifully.  We were heading out to help our daughter with some projects at her lake house and Hubs was coming out strictly to take her boat out of storage.  Sadly, it's gonna need some work, as when someone that doesn't care "takes care" of your belongings, they rarely take care properly.  

Well, the off-ramp started the chaos.  The car that dipped out from behind the other car in the left hand lane and sped around caused even more chaos.  I held back from pulling out, Hubs didn't see me stop (I didn't want to be t-boned) and he drove into me.  Needless to say his poor truck took the brunt of that experience.  Oh my car has quite a few boo-boo's, but his truck suffered the most. 

Both are still 100% drive-able, just not gorgeous.  Thankfully, with a garage full of tools and two people that are more than capable of working on cars, we managed to get the bumper off, parts ordered and Hubs found a sweet guy that is going to fix the part that needs welded.  We're fixing the truck first, mine will be easier, the damage only impacts the looks and isn't really at a risk for anything coming off, thank goodness for duct-tape.  

In the midst of crazy town, our sweet girl decided that Hubs needed a boat.  I mean he loves having a boat and he's been longing to have another one forever. I am not a huge fan of boating, scares me to bits, after several not so great boating experiences.  I will go out on a pontoon though.  So... Hubs is now the proud owner of a pontoon boat. It's gonna keep us pretty busy with cleaning and repairs, but he is stupid excited and it gives him a great retirement hobby when she's done. Guess it's time to renew my fishing license and order the pups some life jackets. I am certain they are going to love going out on the boat. 

After all of those adventures on Saturday, we'd planned to go to a car show in Kimmswick for Father's day. Mother Nature had other plans and escorted a serious day of bad weather in.  I won't lie, I've needed to decompress, I am not sad. We can fix the vehicles, no one was injured and Hubs acquired a boat... I was just exhausted from the emotional toll.  

I know my little car is beat up pretty good from the hail, I know it isn't new, I know it is just my pup mobile.  The thing is, it's mine.  I paid for it 100% myself with cash from working at a job that almost destroyed me personally.  When my Beetle got totaled I was crushed. It hurt on a soul level, it had been my dream car, I had planned to have it the rest of my life.  I swore I wasn't getting another car, I didn't really need one.  My little Subaru has given me back a freedom that I didn't realize I needed. It made me realize that the Beetle had been nothing more than a material item and losing it had been a God wink that I hadn't realized I needed at the time. 

I know Hubs' big red truck is an eye catcher, it fits him perfectly.  It's an attention getter, it's noticed.  Just like Hubs.  For a few moments I was angry.  Everyone was so concerned about his truck and him. I am fairly certain the next person to just ignore the fact that me and my little car had been the "victims" while hoping he and his were going to be okay in my presence are going to get cursed out in a very vile way.  

Honestly, I was so annoyed and maybe even a bit angry. Not at Hubs, not at the damage, not at anything tangible.  I was angry at feeling invisible.  I had simply put some duct-tape on the remaining fiberglass bits to keep them from falling off and exposing more of the mechanical bits to the elements, pushed the bumper back in the best I could to keep it from flapping about and moved on.  

My frustration definitely was bubbling up on Monday as I worked along side him to remove the front bumper, as I dealt with being the target of his frustration and anger at the situation.  The parts that didn't want to come loose, the nuts and bolts that had fallen and needed found.  The sheer frustration of knowing that he had work to do at work and here we were working on removing the bumper so no further damaged happened while we worked on solving it.  Both of us were frustrated by the fact that age takes away some of your strength and agility and things we could easily do 20 years ago, were not as easy. 

Getting up on concrete with a fake knee is not fun.  And I'm sure his hip was reminding him of it's presence as well. 

Both of us were dealing with the emotions that often get tied to tangible things and even more so with the realization that we are not as young as we once were.  

I joked with my friend that I was going to need bail money before the day was out.  I was definitely frazzled. My heart filled with joy at her reply, I've got your bail money.  She had my back without question.  Those are priceless friendships.  I am blessed by a few of them. It's all you need in this crazy world.  That and lots of laughter!

Hubs got to listen to my venting about being invisible as we drove to the bank to take money out for parts.  He was patient, I don't know if he understood my twisted feelings or not.  The fact that he listened mattered.  My dear Sis asked about me and my car, that mattered more than I can put into words. It was like the pressure valve on my feelings.  I was seen, I was noticed.  I calmed. 

We've moved forward. We got the boat semi cleaned up and into safe storage yesterday. We purchased the supports for the front bumper of the truck and an appointment has been made for the required welding. I ordered his new bumper yesterday, it won't arrive until the 6th, his beautiful truck will be beautiful again soon, it will look different, but in a cool way.  My parts have been sourced and will be ordered after all the repairs to the truck happen, it's incredible how much more damage his big truck sustained, I seriously question the toughness of a truck at this point.  As soon as that is finished we will start working on Hubs' boat.  There is a forward plan. I feel calm again. 

During the midst of the frustration I resorted to nothingness.  I HATE just vegging out.  I don't have patience for it and when I resort to it, I get very angry with myself.  That is the bubble I have bounced in and out of for a week now.  I push myself to do stuff, then I freeze in that funky spot of aggravation. 

Slowly, I am coming out of it. I'm sure Hubs is feeling the overflow of emotions and feelings I have been working through.  Just like always he and I will navigate the crazy and come out on the other side just fine.  It's amazing what love and lots of laughs can help you through. Literally nothing in this world is all that serious!  This morning I ordered literal band-aid's for my sweet Subaru while she waits for her repairs, because why not laugh through it?  Sort of reminds me of the beaver we bought when the tree suddenly died and we were waiting for the stump removal.  Sometimes, you just gotta laugh!

Well, the heat is busting through outside and I need to make sure all my self-watering containers are full... like I said... keeping busy does help the crazy. 

much love, 

b

going backwards!

Convenience kills skills.

The other day in the midst of the chaos that is my current life, while doing what seemed like an everyday thing for me lately, I heard those words on a podcast I was listening to.  

It's been rattling in my brain like a fire poker for days now.  The person speaking went on to explain their reasoning, their thoughts on the whole matter.  Oddly, it wasn't on one of my homesteading, gardening, homemaking type channels.  It was simply a random one that I stumbled on.  One I used to listen to all the time, but rarely take the time to listen to lately.  

I'm not the only one feeling it.  That's all I could think, that's all I could feel. I've struggled so hard lately with understanding the losses in skills.  They simply seemed to vanish. 

Convenience kills skills.  

I heard those words while I was making a batch of granola for Hubs' to enjoy on his yogurt.  A fresh batch of yogurt was almost done and ready to be strained.  Knowing how much he loves "yogurt & granola" and hating how many "chemicals" are in even the cleanest granola has, I decided it was time to learn. 

It's stupid easy, and I can add any fruits, nuts, grains, or spices that he loves.  I've stumbled on a combination or two that we both really love, but I am still searching for healthier options. The options for dried fruits at the store are pretty darn limited and they still have things in them that I don' want him to be eating.  I will start experimenting with both dehydrated and freeze dried fruits in the coming batches. Slowly, I am removing the things that I do not want in our lives. I am killing convenience so to speak. 

This weekend while Hubs and I were out and about we ran into one of the big box stores, the ones we usually avoid at all costs.  He needed a new swimsuit, he's lost over 50 lbs and all of his others were about to be a legal issue if he wore them to the pool. 

Since the fabric stores are disappearing at an alarming rate, along with you ability to make the things that one might need, and as he is still losing weight we didn't want to buy a super expensive one.  I have to tell you, I felt like I was experiencing an allergic reaction.  I was overwhelmed by the smells, the feels, the intensity of it all.  I didn't want to shop there, I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to be experiencing the glut of big commercialism. And was slapped in the face with the glaring difference between commercialism and capitalism, but that is a topic for another time.

I think I will keep killing convenience.  

In the evenings, while I sit with Hubs, I am working on a winter sweater for him.  It isn't as quick as running to the store, or ordering online.  It takes time.  Each stitch is intentional, each row is custom.  It's made of 100% wool.  It will keep him warm, it will fit perfectly, because it was made just for him.  No one else will have one like it.  It's an original.  I have found a few patterns that I like for myself and another one or two that I will make for him.  By the time the cold weather arrives, they will be finished.  I will be remaking the beautiful brown one I made for myself.  I've lost too much weight to wear it, I love the yarn, I will not waste it, I will use the yarn, I will make another sweater to love and cherish.  

As I was cleaning out closets I found a few beautiful pieces that I can alter for each of us.  Alter, repair, re-purpose.  Those things are all possible when you aren't buying fast fashion.  Things that are made with real material, not some varying version of plastics and chemicals.  Items that will end up in landfill, pollution and waste for faceless corporations to gather wealth. 

The items that were still in great shape, but simply not going to be altered or worn, I drove all the way down to Crystal City.  By happenstance, I found out about a great volunteer run "thrift store".  I use the "thrift" part loosely.  

I will make that drive from now on, it's only about 40 minutes each way.  They only charge a quarter for anything someone needs to buy, they will gladly give it away if someone can't afford that amount.  The sign on the wall said $1 donation required to help keep the lights on.  While I was unloading everything I watched a woman wheel out a bike for her son, her eyes glassy a huge smile on her face.  She didn't have a dollar, she did have some things to donate instead.  Creating a circle that was beautiful and made my rotten day (it was definitely one for the books, nothing was going as planned) turn completely around.  Blessings abound if you are willing to pause and look for them.

Yes these things take time.  LOTS of time. That was stolen from us, along with the skills to make it happen. My daughter blessed me with a beautiful old wooden table this weekend, it's been abused a bit, neglected and in need of love.  I am so excited to work on it, to see what kind of difference I can make with it.  Some of those skills I learned in the past, some I will need to learn, some will require a learning curve. I'm game.

I learned to create an AI assisted photo of my pups
and install a screen on my car to cool the interior.

I'm sitting for a moment.  Relaxing, catching my breath. I've already been super busy today, Hubs had to rush to work around 6ish this morning, so after I packed his lunch and got him off, I kicked it into high gear.  It's 11:30 now, and I have accomplished so much. 

So far the gardens have been tended, watered and ready for a new day.  Some of the front flower beds have been weeded.  The laundry has been done, just waiting on the last of it to dry.  I've tidied the house, dusted and swept, still need to mop.  Just thought I'd wait until I quit walking back and forth over the floors I want to clean.  In the midst of all that I have cleaned out the fridge made a huge batch of fire starters (again, getting ready for winter is not something that one should wait until November for).  I gave Beau his mani/pedi - Belle took off to hide so I might forget about her's... Jokes on her I have it on my to do list, there will be no forgetting. I've climbed more steps than I wanted to (it was a busy weekend - I really wanted to be lazy) and for a moment, I will rest. 

shhhh... mom can't see me.

I'm a good boy!  There were treats promised.

I spent some time with some delightful young people not to long around, they were lamenting the skills that are no longer readily taught.  Cooking, sewing, wood working, gardening, auto mechanics, basic life skills. They were voicing concerns over how difficult it is find a way to learn those things, how even in the family home aren't being passed down.  As people are too busy just trying to make a living.  How they've stopped making a life. Personally, I will continue to learn and grow.  I will continue to kill convenience. If I can't do it myself, I will either learn or find someone that is doing those things I can't and either purchase it or learn from them.  I will also share my skills and knowledge with anyone that longs to learn.  

We really do need to refocus.  We need to stop being consumers, we need to become producers.  We need to support one another on that journey.  And frankly, I am praying there is a will to do just that.  This weekend was full of adventures, some of which I am still processing, because wow, just wow. 

I hope you take a moment each day to be inconvenienced.  I hope that you take that moment to explore doing something the hard way.  The richness of the reward is so fulfilling.  It's incredible how much more important something becomes when you work for it.  Not pay money, but work, sweat of your brow and fully self engaged in it.  The amount of appreciation you have for the finished result, there are not words. 

bowl + sweater

My sweet Hubs made me a new yarn bowl - I broke my last one.  I love it. And even more than how beautiful it is.  I love the memory of watching him carefully paint the layers, knowing he was thinking about me while creating it.  Sure he could have ordered one from Amazon, but it would just be stuff then.  It wouldn't be the treasure it is.  He made that for me, he cared enough to work on it, to learn the skill and execute the finished product.  In my world, that screams love!  I wasn't just a task on his to do list. 

We've been blessed with a beautiful day, in fact we've been blessed with a series of them.  So in a few moments I will go outside to build my last two flower beds and line them, get ready to fill them with dirt and an unbelievable amount of zinnia seeds. 

I guess I should stop sitting around, I don't know about you, but sometimes if the chair feels too comfortable, the rest goes too long, the momentum of the day goes right along with it and that is the end of things being accomplished.  I have work to do, things that make life meaningful and rich... so back to it! 

I've been meaning too...

Yup, I've been meaning too.  I can't tell you how many times I've picked up my laptop, started to sit down to write and a million other things have popped up.  That feels like the story of my life lately.  And not really in a bad way, just a living life to the absolute fullest way. 

This morning, I've stopped for a few.  I mean... the day did start at 3 am, so saying I stopped is kind of humorous.  But the fountain just started, the birds are chirping and the sun hasn't climbed high enough to cause the outside to feel unbearable. So while the granola is baking and the coffee is getting cold, I figured I would rest for a few moments. 

So many times I've wanted to sit down and explore the events and feelings of life so far this year.  It's felt large, overwhelming at moments, peaceful at others.  Completely out of control, spiraling and lost one moment.  And then calm, silent and flowing like a beautiful stream through the woods the next. 

Belle's TPLO surgery, the journey and recovery.  The unexpected finding that she'd had a grade 2 mast cell tumor on the same leg, thankfully the surgeon recognized it and offered to remove it at the same time.  The anxiety I feel with anything that doesn't look just right on that same scar line.  The absolute anger and frustration of having asked both of her regular vets to look at it, and being brushed off.

I've wanted to share the feelings of finding out our camper was totaled out by hail.  The camper was fine, the insurance company totaled it.  Granted it didn't look fantastic any longer, but neither do our fully functional vehicles. Ultimately, we decided it was a God wink, as we hadn't had the time or ability to go camping for almost 3 years now.  It felt a lot like losing my Beetle, a dream who's time had come and ultimately gone.  As we are getting ready for the next phase of our lives, with Beau's medical condition and the changes to campgrounds... let's just say it was time for it to move on to someone else. The blessing financially of losing it, far outweighed the anxiety of trying to be able to use it.  We've already done research and found lots of fun "glamping" experiences that will allow us to bring the pups and still enjoy the great outdoors...

I wore my Dad ring and danced with Momma

Isn't she lovely?

Me, Momma and my girls

Just me and my Dragon

almost time...

My youngest niece got married, what a joyous and fun day that was. I made them a quilt. First time I've done one as a wedding gift for family.  But she is the kind of woman that will treasure it forever, I know this because she still sleeps with the baby quilt I made her over 20+ years ago. Note to self... deciding a few months from a wedding, while your dog is recovering from major surgery, that you want to make a quilt is really rather insane and anxiety inducing.

My Bonnie Hunter Lupine and Laughter
Gifted to The Epps

I've spent time gardening with my dear friend who showed up bearing baby tomatoes and green pepper plants that she started from seeds months ago.  She knew I hadn't started my garden, my plate had just been over-flowing and something had to give, sadly it was my garden. 

Her precious thoughtfulness spurred me on to actually get my life together in many ways. In the month or so since that day, I have completely recreated our back deck and patio.  To the point that Hubs and I seriously do not want to leave our backyard.  We love sitting in the peaceful beauty and chatting.  Next up is completely his "smoking station" where he will have his grill and smoker set up for some crazy fun cooking.  We're starting to develop his retirement hobbies... those days are coming sooner rather than later.  

The garden is in full bloom, I finally put up some trellis' (thanks to my sweet friend for the help) to give us some of the privacy back that we'd lost almost 12 years ago when the first tree had to be removed. I made some wonderful discoveries with terracotta water spikes and wine bottles that allow my garden to stay hydrated even in the hot sun.  Although it looks like either the tomatoes or I have a serious drinking problem. 

As I was watering in the wee hours this morning, I noticed that before long I will be harvesting peppers, tomatoes and possibly some mini-cucumbers very soon.  I added in some plants that will strictly be dried for teas and balms.  The plantains that I went out on a limb and planted in safe spots are flourishing and will provide plenty of healing salves close at hand.  Hopefully, the elderberry and blackberries won't be poisoned this year.  We'll see.  They are bursting and I would seriously love to harvest them.

My dear friend also tempted me with potato plants.  I have two large planters fully planted.  We will see how they produce this year.  These might not be the right planters for them, but... nothing gained or lost if I fail to try.

Belle's first post surgery walk

The hikes have had to taper off a bit.  It's far too hot for Beau and Belle is still on flat ground at less than a mile as she rebuilds her strength.  I keep trying to get up super early to go, but honestly, it's the mid-west.  Even at o'dark thirty it is hot, muggy and highly unpleasant. Hubs' back has been a bit tender and his work schedule is a tad over full right now, so there aren't many extra minutes to go hiking.  Besides, without Hubs or the Pups, hiking alone feels far too vulnerable to me.  Besides that, Missouri is a hot bed of ticks this year. I'm tired of being eaten alive. 

At least for the moment, I'm trading out hiking for hours of swimming and water workouts with my sweet Dragon. So hard to believe she is 9 and heading into 4th grade already.  Where does the time go?  She is growing so fast, last year at the pool I was able to lift her and swirl her around.  This year, we stand eye to eye.  Doesn't matter she will always and forever be my baby dragon.  I cherish each moment that I am able to steal with her. 

While we were taking a break from racing in the pool yesterday we were talking a bit about her plans for the summer.  She told me that she would like to learn how to make butter.  I'm just going to pause and celebrate that!  I didn't order super heavy whipping cream from the farm for tomorrow's pick up, but I definitely will be next week.  If I don't find the time to run out there this week/weekend and pick some up.  You can be assured that Gramma is going to teach her how to make her own butter.  It's time to start making our own ice cream again too. Her other plan is to learn how to make applesauce.  Yup, you know we are going to be working on that during those rainy days that are coming.  I know the apples aren't really fresh right now, but they are fresh enough to tackle that skill. 

The older grand is spending time with Grampa enjoying the arts.  With Beau's medication schedule it's almost impossible for us to go to the theater or symphony at this time, at least not without hiring a medicine dispensing dog sitter for the evening (and there is literally only one or two folks that I trust in that department). Luckily, that young woman is passionate about both.  I just ordered their tickets for the Sound of Music Sing Along.  Their costumes are coming together very nicely. 

Belle fits right in...

Beau is joining the party too...

There have been so many other little things, so many moments.  I've found myself far too busy living those moments to take the time to simply pause and write. 

The sun is starting to rise high enough that there is precious little time left to sit in the cool morning surrounded by beauty this morning.  But savoring it and walking through the recent memories has be so enjoyable. 

I've already made the granola and started the yogurt, I have several other things on my to do list this morning before I pick the dragon up for swim time.  I've got some flower beds to order, I need new cheesecloth and I have to make a final decision on making sour cream or giving it up as lost at this point.  I'm trying to get brave enough to simply start.  My challenge to myself this year was to push myself harder to going backwards.  To those simpler times, to simpler food, simpler clothing, simpler relationships... I miss the past, and I'm opting to slide backwards.  To stop being so wrapped up in this crazy modern world and turn the clock backwards.  

I guess I'd better get with it.  Much to do before we head out, we're hoping Grampa is able to get home early enough to joins us for a few hours of splash therapy.  I've also got to check the weather forecast, I need to go and pick blueberries this week. 

Hopefully, I don't get lost for so long this time... Miss you, love you, b