thought about it...

A few days ago as the sun broke the horizon, we were walking along the flood wall down in Valley Park, the sun rising, the haziness lingering from the moisture in the air.  The deer were making an early morning trek down to the river for a drink or two before moving long. 

There was a definite chill in the air, in fact it was that way for several days. Which I was both incredibly thankful for and a tad puzzled.  The first official day of summer in St. Louis, does not often call for sweatshirts.  But, I will definitely take the blessing.

With the pups we're up to a two mile walk each day again.  Sweet Belle has finally stopped limping a bit after a walk and is definitely full of energy as we cruise along at full speed again.  Again, I am gathering all the blessings!

Yesterday morning Beau kicked me out of bed at 3 am, he was so intent to snuggle close that I ended up on the floor.  Thinking I would laze around snuggled up on the other side of him and try to fall back asleep reading something incredibly boring.  Grabbing my phone to find something boring to read, I was jolted awake by the alarm from my freeze dryer, it couldn't hit pressure, I needed to deal with it.  Did Beau somehow know, is that why he pushed me out of bed? Doubtful, but awfully coincidental. 

the deer from our walk

I started to turn on some kind of news, something to let me know what is going on in the world today.  I considered it.  Until I didn't.  I have serious doubts about the validity of anything you read, watch or hear these days.  All of it seems to be guiding and deceiving one way or another, and frankly, I'm done. 

By the time I dealt with the issues and warmed my fingers back up, I decided it was definitely not going to be a crawl back in bed kind of day. 

The past week has been complicated and extreme, personally I needed a quiet moment or two.  I need the outside world to stay outside. I need the time to dig into my list and focus.  

Last Saturday things were moving along beautifully.  We were heading out to help our daughter with some projects at her lake house and Hubs was coming out strictly to take her boat out of storage.  Sadly, it's gonna need some work, as when someone that doesn't care "takes care" of your belongings, they rarely take care properly.  

Well, the off-ramp started the chaos.  The car that dipped out from behind the other car in the left hand lane and sped around caused even more chaos.  I held back from pulling out, Hubs didn't see me stop (I didn't want to be t-boned) and he drove into me.  Needless to say his poor truck took the brunt of that experience.  Oh my car has quite a few boo-boo's, but his truck suffered the most. 

Both are still 100% drive-able, just not gorgeous.  Thankfully, with a garage full of tools and two people that are more than capable of working on cars, we managed to get the bumper off, parts ordered and Hubs found a sweet guy that is going to fix the part that needs welded.  We're fixing the truck first, mine will be easier, the damage only impacts the looks and isn't really at a risk for anything coming off, thank goodness for duct-tape.  

In the midst of crazy town, our sweet girl decided that Hubs needed a boat.  I mean he loves having a boat and he's been longing to have another one forever. I am not a huge fan of boating, scares me to bits, after several not so great boating experiences.  I will go out on a pontoon though.  So... Hubs is now the proud owner of a pontoon boat. It's gonna keep us pretty busy with cleaning and repairs, but he is stupid excited and it gives him a great retirement hobby when she's done. Guess it's time to renew my fishing license and order the pups some life jackets. I am certain they are going to love going out on the boat. 

After all of those adventures on Saturday, we'd planned to go to a car show in Kimmswick for Father's day. Mother Nature had other plans and escorted a serious day of bad weather in.  I won't lie, I've needed to decompress, I am not sad. We can fix the vehicles, no one was injured and Hubs acquired a boat... I was just exhausted from the emotional toll.  

I know my little car is beat up pretty good from the hail, I know it isn't new, I know it is just my pup mobile.  The thing is, it's mine.  I paid for it 100% myself with cash from working at a job that almost destroyed me personally.  When my Beetle got totaled I was crushed. It hurt on a soul level, it had been my dream car, I had planned to have it the rest of my life.  I swore I wasn't getting another car, I didn't really need one.  My little Subaru has given me back a freedom that I didn't realize I needed. It made me realize that the Beetle had been nothing more than a material item and losing it had been a God wink that I hadn't realized I needed at the time. 

I know Hubs' big red truck is an eye catcher, it fits him perfectly.  It's an attention getter, it's noticed.  Just like Hubs.  For a few moments I was angry.  Everyone was so concerned about his truck and him. I am fairly certain the next person to just ignore the fact that me and my little car had been the "victims" while hoping he and his were going to be okay in my presence are going to get cursed out in a very vile way.  

Honestly, I was so annoyed and maybe even a bit angry. Not at Hubs, not at the damage, not at anything tangible.  I was angry at feeling invisible.  I had simply put some duct-tape on the remaining fiberglass bits to keep them from falling off and exposing more of the mechanical bits to the elements, pushed the bumper back in the best I could to keep it from flapping about and moved on.  

My frustration definitely was bubbling up on Monday as I worked along side him to remove the front bumper, as I dealt with being the target of his frustration and anger at the situation.  The parts that didn't want to come loose, the nuts and bolts that had fallen and needed found.  The sheer frustration of knowing that he had work to do at work and here we were working on removing the bumper so no further damaged happened while we worked on solving it.  Both of us were frustrated by the fact that age takes away some of your strength and agility and things we could easily do 20 years ago, were not as easy. 

Getting up on concrete with a fake knee is not fun.  And I'm sure his hip was reminding him of it's presence as well. 

Both of us were dealing with the emotions that often get tied to tangible things and even more so with the realization that we are not as young as we once were.  

I joked with my friend that I was going to need bail money before the day was out.  I was definitely frazzled. My heart filled with joy at her reply, I've got your bail money.  She had my back without question.  Those are priceless friendships.  I am blessed by a few of them. It's all you need in this crazy world.  That and lots of laughter!

Hubs got to listen to my venting about being invisible as we drove to the bank to take money out for parts.  He was patient, I don't know if he understood my twisted feelings or not.  The fact that he listened mattered.  My dear Sis asked about me and my car, that mattered more than I can put into words. It was like the pressure valve on my feelings.  I was seen, I was noticed.  I calmed. 

We've moved forward. We got the boat semi cleaned up and into safe storage yesterday. We purchased the supports for the front bumper of the truck and an appointment has been made for the required welding. I ordered his new bumper yesterday, it won't arrive until the 6th, his beautiful truck will be beautiful again soon, it will look different, but in a cool way.  My parts have been sourced and will be ordered after all the repairs to the truck happen, it's incredible how much more damage his big truck sustained, I seriously question the toughness of a truck at this point.  As soon as that is finished we will start working on Hubs' boat.  There is a forward plan. I feel calm again. 

During the midst of the frustration I resorted to nothingness.  I HATE just vegging out.  I don't have patience for it and when I resort to it, I get very angry with myself.  That is the bubble I have bounced in and out of for a week now.  I push myself to do stuff, then I freeze in that funky spot of aggravation. 

Slowly, I am coming out of it. I'm sure Hubs is feeling the overflow of emotions and feelings I have been working through.  Just like always he and I will navigate the crazy and come out on the other side just fine.  It's amazing what love and lots of laughs can help you through. Literally nothing in this world is all that serious!  This morning I ordered literal band-aid's for my sweet Subaru while she waits for her repairs, because why not laugh through it?  Sort of reminds me of the beaver we bought when the tree suddenly died and we were waiting for the stump removal.  Sometimes, you just gotta laugh!

Well, the heat is busting through outside and I need to make sure all my self-watering containers are full... like I said... keeping busy does help the crazy. 

much love, 

b

going backwards!

Convenience kills skills.

The other day in the midst of the chaos that is my current life, while doing what seemed like an everyday thing for me lately, I heard those words on a podcast I was listening to.  

It's been rattling in my brain like a fire poker for days now.  The person speaking went on to explain their reasoning, their thoughts on the whole matter.  Oddly, it wasn't on one of my homesteading, gardening, homemaking type channels.  It was simply a random one that I stumbled on.  One I used to listen to all the time, but rarely take the time to listen to lately.  

I'm not the only one feeling it.  That's all I could think, that's all I could feel. I've struggled so hard lately with understanding the losses in skills.  They simply seemed to vanish. 

Convenience kills skills.  

I heard those words while I was making a batch of granola for Hubs' to enjoy on his yogurt.  A fresh batch of yogurt was almost done and ready to be strained.  Knowing how much he loves "yogurt & granola" and hating how many "chemicals" are in even the cleanest granola has, I decided it was time to learn. 

It's stupid easy, and I can add any fruits, nuts, grains, or spices that he loves.  I've stumbled on a combination or two that we both really love, but I am still searching for healthier options. The options for dried fruits at the store are pretty darn limited and they still have things in them that I don' want him to be eating.  I will start experimenting with both dehydrated and freeze dried fruits in the coming batches. Slowly, I am removing the things that I do not want in our lives. I am killing convenience so to speak. 

This weekend while Hubs and I were out and about we ran into one of the big box stores, the ones we usually avoid at all costs.  He needed a new swimsuit, he's lost over 50 lbs and all of his others were about to be a legal issue if he wore them to the pool. 

Since the fabric stores are disappearing at an alarming rate, along with you ability to make the things that one might need, and as he is still losing weight we didn't want to buy a super expensive one.  I have to tell you, I felt like I was experiencing an allergic reaction.  I was overwhelmed by the smells, the feels, the intensity of it all.  I didn't want to shop there, I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to be experiencing the glut of big commercialism. And was slapped in the face with the glaring difference between commercialism and capitalism, but that is a topic for another time.

I think I will keep killing convenience.  

In the evenings, while I sit with Hubs, I am working on a winter sweater for him.  It isn't as quick as running to the store, or ordering online.  It takes time.  Each stitch is intentional, each row is custom.  It's made of 100% wool.  It will keep him warm, it will fit perfectly, because it was made just for him.  No one else will have one like it.  It's an original.  I have found a few patterns that I like for myself and another one or two that I will make for him.  By the time the cold weather arrives, they will be finished.  I will be remaking the beautiful brown one I made for myself.  I've lost too much weight to wear it, I love the yarn, I will not waste it, I will use the yarn, I will make another sweater to love and cherish.  

As I was cleaning out closets I found a few beautiful pieces that I can alter for each of us.  Alter, repair, re-purpose.  Those things are all possible when you aren't buying fast fashion.  Things that are made with real material, not some varying version of plastics and chemicals.  Items that will end up in landfill, pollution and waste for faceless corporations to gather wealth. 

The items that were still in great shape, but simply not going to be altered or worn, I drove all the way down to Crystal City.  By happenstance, I found out about a great volunteer run "thrift store".  I use the "thrift" part loosely.  

I will make that drive from now on, it's only about 40 minutes each way.  They only charge a quarter for anything someone needs to buy, they will gladly give it away if someone can't afford that amount.  The sign on the wall said $1 donation required to help keep the lights on.  While I was unloading everything I watched a woman wheel out a bike for her son, her eyes glassy a huge smile on her face.  She didn't have a dollar, she did have some things to donate instead.  Creating a circle that was beautiful and made my rotten day (it was definitely one for the books, nothing was going as planned) turn completely around.  Blessings abound if you are willing to pause and look for them.

Yes these things take time.  LOTS of time. That was stolen from us, along with the skills to make it happen. My daughter blessed me with a beautiful old wooden table this weekend, it's been abused a bit, neglected and in need of love.  I am so excited to work on it, to see what kind of difference I can make with it.  Some of those skills I learned in the past, some I will need to learn, some will require a learning curve. I'm game.

I learned to create an AI assisted photo of my pups
and install a screen on my car to cool the interior.

I'm sitting for a moment.  Relaxing, catching my breath. I've already been super busy today, Hubs had to rush to work around 6ish this morning, so after I packed his lunch and got him off, I kicked it into high gear.  It's 11:30 now, and I have accomplished so much. 

So far the gardens have been tended, watered and ready for a new day.  Some of the front flower beds have been weeded.  The laundry has been done, just waiting on the last of it to dry.  I've tidied the house, dusted and swept, still need to mop.  Just thought I'd wait until I quit walking back and forth over the floors I want to clean.  In the midst of all that I have cleaned out the fridge made a huge batch of fire starters (again, getting ready for winter is not something that one should wait until November for).  I gave Beau his mani/pedi - Belle took off to hide so I might forget about her's... Jokes on her I have it on my to do list, there will be no forgetting. I've climbed more steps than I wanted to (it was a busy weekend - I really wanted to be lazy) and for a moment, I will rest. 

shhhh... mom can't see me.

I'm a good boy!  There were treats promised.

I spent some time with some delightful young people not to long around, they were lamenting the skills that are no longer readily taught.  Cooking, sewing, wood working, gardening, auto mechanics, basic life skills. They were voicing concerns over how difficult it is find a way to learn those things, how even in the family home aren't being passed down.  As people are too busy just trying to make a living.  How they've stopped making a life. Personally, I will continue to learn and grow.  I will continue to kill convenience. If I can't do it myself, I will either learn or find someone that is doing those things I can't and either purchase it or learn from them.  I will also share my skills and knowledge with anyone that longs to learn.  

We really do need to refocus.  We need to stop being consumers, we need to become producers.  We need to support one another on that journey.  And frankly, I am praying there is a will to do just that.  This weekend was full of adventures, some of which I am still processing, because wow, just wow. 

I hope you take a moment each day to be inconvenienced.  I hope that you take that moment to explore doing something the hard way.  The richness of the reward is so fulfilling.  It's incredible how much more important something becomes when you work for it.  Not pay money, but work, sweat of your brow and fully self engaged in it.  The amount of appreciation you have for the finished result, there are not words. 

bowl + sweater

My sweet Hubs made me a new yarn bowl - I broke my last one.  I love it. And even more than how beautiful it is.  I love the memory of watching him carefully paint the layers, knowing he was thinking about me while creating it.  Sure he could have ordered one from Amazon, but it would just be stuff then.  It wouldn't be the treasure it is.  He made that for me, he cared enough to work on it, to learn the skill and execute the finished product.  In my world, that screams love!  I wasn't just a task on his to do list. 

We've been blessed with a beautiful day, in fact we've been blessed with a series of them.  So in a few moments I will go outside to build my last two flower beds and line them, get ready to fill them with dirt and an unbelievable amount of zinnia seeds. 

I guess I should stop sitting around, I don't know about you, but sometimes if the chair feels too comfortable, the rest goes too long, the momentum of the day goes right along with it and that is the end of things being accomplished.  I have work to do, things that make life meaningful and rich... so back to it! 

I've been meaning too...

Yup, I've been meaning too.  I can't tell you how many times I've picked up my laptop, started to sit down to write and a million other things have popped up.  That feels like the story of my life lately.  And not really in a bad way, just a living life to the absolute fullest way. 

This morning, I've stopped for a few.  I mean... the day did start at 3 am, so saying I stopped is kind of humorous.  But the fountain just started, the birds are chirping and the sun hasn't climbed high enough to cause the outside to feel unbearable. So while the granola is baking and the coffee is getting cold, I figured I would rest for a few moments. 

So many times I've wanted to sit down and explore the events and feelings of life so far this year.  It's felt large, overwhelming at moments, peaceful at others.  Completely out of control, spiraling and lost one moment.  And then calm, silent and flowing like a beautiful stream through the woods the next. 

Belle's TPLO surgery, the journey and recovery.  The unexpected finding that she'd had a grade 2 mast cell tumor on the same leg, thankfully the surgeon recognized it and offered to remove it at the same time.  The anxiety I feel with anything that doesn't look just right on that same scar line.  The absolute anger and frustration of having asked both of her regular vets to look at it, and being brushed off.

I've wanted to share the feelings of finding out our camper was totaled out by hail.  The camper was fine, the insurance company totaled it.  Granted it didn't look fantastic any longer, but neither do our fully functional vehicles. Ultimately, we decided it was a God wink, as we hadn't had the time or ability to go camping for almost 3 years now.  It felt a lot like losing my Beetle, a dream who's time had come and ultimately gone.  As we are getting ready for the next phase of our lives, with Beau's medical condition and the changes to campgrounds... let's just say it was time for it to move on to someone else. The blessing financially of losing it, far outweighed the anxiety of trying to be able to use it.  We've already done research and found lots of fun "glamping" experiences that will allow us to bring the pups and still enjoy the great outdoors...

I wore my Dad ring and danced with Momma

Isn't she lovely?

Me, Momma and my girls

Just me and my Dragon

almost time...

My youngest niece got married, what a joyous and fun day that was. I made them a quilt. First time I've done one as a wedding gift for family.  But she is the kind of woman that will treasure it forever, I know this because she still sleeps with the baby quilt I made her over 20+ years ago. Note to self... deciding a few months from a wedding, while your dog is recovering from major surgery, that you want to make a quilt is really rather insane and anxiety inducing.

My Bonnie Hunter Lupine and Laughter
Gifted to The Epps

I've spent time gardening with my dear friend who showed up bearing baby tomatoes and green pepper plants that she started from seeds months ago.  She knew I hadn't started my garden, my plate had just been over-flowing and something had to give, sadly it was my garden. 

Her precious thoughtfulness spurred me on to actually get my life together in many ways. In the month or so since that day, I have completely recreated our back deck and patio.  To the point that Hubs and I seriously do not want to leave our backyard.  We love sitting in the peaceful beauty and chatting.  Next up is completely his "smoking station" where he will have his grill and smoker set up for some crazy fun cooking.  We're starting to develop his retirement hobbies... those days are coming sooner rather than later.  

The garden is in full bloom, I finally put up some trellis' (thanks to my sweet friend for the help) to give us some of the privacy back that we'd lost almost 12 years ago when the first tree had to be removed. I made some wonderful discoveries with terracotta water spikes and wine bottles that allow my garden to stay hydrated even in the hot sun.  Although it looks like either the tomatoes or I have a serious drinking problem. 

As I was watering in the wee hours this morning, I noticed that before long I will be harvesting peppers, tomatoes and possibly some mini-cucumbers very soon.  I added in some plants that will strictly be dried for teas and balms.  The plantains that I went out on a limb and planted in safe spots are flourishing and will provide plenty of healing salves close at hand.  Hopefully, the elderberry and blackberries won't be poisoned this year.  We'll see.  They are bursting and I would seriously love to harvest them.

My dear friend also tempted me with potato plants.  I have two large planters fully planted.  We will see how they produce this year.  These might not be the right planters for them, but... nothing gained or lost if I fail to try.

Belle's first post surgery walk

The hikes have had to taper off a bit.  It's far too hot for Beau and Belle is still on flat ground at less than a mile as she rebuilds her strength.  I keep trying to get up super early to go, but honestly, it's the mid-west.  Even at o'dark thirty it is hot, muggy and highly unpleasant. Hubs' back has been a bit tender and his work schedule is a tad over full right now, so there aren't many extra minutes to go hiking.  Besides, without Hubs or the Pups, hiking alone feels far too vulnerable to me.  Besides that, Missouri is a hot bed of ticks this year. I'm tired of being eaten alive. 

At least for the moment, I'm trading out hiking for hours of swimming and water workouts with my sweet Dragon. So hard to believe she is 9 and heading into 4th grade already.  Where does the time go?  She is growing so fast, last year at the pool I was able to lift her and swirl her around.  This year, we stand eye to eye.  Doesn't matter she will always and forever be my baby dragon.  I cherish each moment that I am able to steal with her. 

While we were taking a break from racing in the pool yesterday we were talking a bit about her plans for the summer.  She told me that she would like to learn how to make butter.  I'm just going to pause and celebrate that!  I didn't order super heavy whipping cream from the farm for tomorrow's pick up, but I definitely will be next week.  If I don't find the time to run out there this week/weekend and pick some up.  You can be assured that Gramma is going to teach her how to make her own butter.  It's time to start making our own ice cream again too. Her other plan is to learn how to make applesauce.  Yup, you know we are going to be working on that during those rainy days that are coming.  I know the apples aren't really fresh right now, but they are fresh enough to tackle that skill. 

The older grand is spending time with Grampa enjoying the arts.  With Beau's medication schedule it's almost impossible for us to go to the theater or symphony at this time, at least not without hiring a medicine dispensing dog sitter for the evening (and there is literally only one or two folks that I trust in that department). Luckily, that young woman is passionate about both.  I just ordered their tickets for the Sound of Music Sing Along.  Their costumes are coming together very nicely. 

Belle fits right in...

Beau is joining the party too...

There have been so many other little things, so many moments.  I've found myself far too busy living those moments to take the time to simply pause and write. 

The sun is starting to rise high enough that there is precious little time left to sit in the cool morning surrounded by beauty this morning.  But savoring it and walking through the recent memories has be so enjoyable. 

I've already made the granola and started the yogurt, I have several other things on my to do list this morning before I pick the dragon up for swim time.  I've got some flower beds to order, I need new cheesecloth and I have to make a final decision on making sour cream or giving it up as lost at this point.  I'm trying to get brave enough to simply start.  My challenge to myself this year was to push myself harder to going backwards.  To those simpler times, to simpler food, simpler clothing, simpler relationships... I miss the past, and I'm opting to slide backwards.  To stop being so wrapped up in this crazy modern world and turn the clock backwards.  

I guess I'd better get with it.  Much to do before we head out, we're hoping Grampa is able to get home early enough to joins us for a few hours of splash therapy.  I've also got to check the weather forecast, I need to go and pick blueberries this week. 

Hopefully, I don't get lost for so long this time... Miss you, love you, b