the blessing of forgiveness...

The first day of spring snuck in without a blink of an eye, the weather was extraordinary, the sun was shining and the air was warm and welcoming.  I spent quite a bit of time outside, I cleaned flower beds, finally raking up the leaves that I allow to lay on top of the soil throughout the winter.  Insulating and protecting the delicate plants and larvae that are resting there, waiting. 

I planted the first beds of the year, Amish heirloom radishes and the first batch of lettuce of the year. Before the week is out, I will get my seeds planted in the little greenhouses for the plants that I will put out later.  The tomatoes, peppers, okra, cucumbers, pickles and maybe even a few beans. 

Before I blink it will be full on gardening time.  I can hardly believe it is already here. Yesterday, I booked our trip to Baker Creek Heirloom Seeds.  The tulip festival is just around the corner and two of my favorite people to learn from are teaching.  Those festivals have been on my to visit list for literally years, and we are finally able to go to one.  I am very excited.  I'm not sure that Hubs is going to love the gardening classes, but I know he will love the beauty of walking the farm and enjoying the flowers that are bursting with color and life. 

At first I was a bit hesitant to book the event, it's on Easter Sunday.  The more I prayed on it, the more convinced I was that it was a perfect opportunity to celebrate the precious gift of life that we all received on that day. I am often more connected to God when I am in nature, soaking up his beauty and grace. I am definitely looking forward to those four days. It's Hubs birthday weekend, so we are going to spend it camping, our favorite pastime!  We might even find some nice area's to hike in. 

It won't be the first trip of the season, that one will be to Hannibal, it's our tradition.  Hard to believe that trip is only two weeks away.  I have to admit the excitement level is growing by the day.  It's been too long.  In fact I am working on completing my first full sized quilt on "the Beast", it is for the bed in the camper. 

By the time we head out Hubs will have completed cataract surgery on both eyes.  Tomorrow wraps it up.  The improvement in his vision is unbelievable already.  And I have to say he looks awfully adorable without glasses.  Those blue eyes sure do sparkle. Mostly I am enjoying the wonder he is experiencing his new found ability to see clearly and without haze.  I semi-understand the wait until they are unbelievably bad before they do the surgery, because it is a one and done.  Unlike a knee or hip that can be repeated. It just makes me so sad that so many folks have to deal with the fuzzy, hazy insanity first.  It feels like there should be solutions readily available at this point.  It feels like all medical care is about money making, not quality of life and cures. Frustrating. 

I also found time yesterday to hang out with one of my best friends, we did a bit of canning, a bit of chatting, a bit of planning and daydreaming.  The soul needs those moments.  She's working on an incredible upcycled raised garden that I am a touch envious her's is coming to life, mine is lingering in planning stages as I figure out how to make this hillside I live on a viable garden. I definitely need to get on it. 

I was listening to one of the channels I follow this morning while ironing.  Let me tell you, I am not a fan of ironing, it's boring.  I save up channels to listen to while I work my way through the pile.  I usually allow it to stack up for a bit before tackling it, that is how much I loathe it, today for the first time in forever I actually ironed as I took it from the laundry.  I was completely lost in the channel.  

It was talking about faith and forgiveness.  It was talking about having faith in God, in his son Jesus and how we live our lives.  Are we living our daily lives connected to past hurts and events, refusing to forgive and move forward? I was completely engrossed.  At church on Sunday the pastor was speaking about almost the same thing.  If that doesn't make you feel like God is trying to get your attention, I don't know what to think. 

Sometimes in life we have people or events that damage us in some way.  And they were both pointing out how we carry that damage forward.  In fact the Roots and Refuge devotion that I was referring to last week was pointing in that same direction.  Because if we are carrying that damage forward, we are simply transferring to the next encounter with someone or something that reminds us of the past. 

How many times do we simply put distance between ourselves and whatever caused the hurt?  A church hurt, a person hurt, a school hurt, a work hurt, an event hurt... most of us are experts at building walls, walking away, and ignoring what caused the damage.  What we aren't experts in is forgiving that damage. 

We often allow ourselves to be drawn back in, over and over. Almost like we are waiting for that next hurt.  I mean have you ever heard yourself or someone else make the comment they are "waiting for the next shoe to drop"?  

I understand that not everyone is a Christian, I understand that some people have no faith at all.  I pray that each of us has something to rest our worries on, a rock to anchor ourselves.  

Ephesians 4:32 "Be Kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." That verse was the anchor to the sermon on Sunday.  It gave me goosebumps.  As the pastor spoke so many things from my own life washed over me.  I am far from perfect, I have made mistakes, I have hurt folks, I have been hurt.  I can't magically make that go away, but I can ask for forgiveness and then rest it with Jesus. It won't make things disappear overnight.  I won't wake up tomorrow and feel they never happened.  But it does allow me to be aware, and then it allows me to have grace and work towards letting those things go. 

Well, I'm not so sure that folks are reading this for a bible study, actually I'm not sure why folks read this at all.  I know I write it because I feel moved to, because sometimes thoughts and emotions get too big to contain inside this brain of mine and they spill out. So much is going on in this crazy world right now.  And who knows, someone might feel a strong need for that verse right now? I know it was a salve to my weary spirit. 

Well, it's time to get busy, I have much to work on and idle hands are the devil's playground.  Not today Satan, not today...

Much love and prayers... 

the apron club...

March showers are definitely falling.  Such blessings.  I am sitting here listening to the gentle rhythm of the rain, it feels as if it is washing away the weariness of the world. When I glance out the window, I see the first blossoms of springtime, sneaking in through the chill of the evenings. 

I have no idea what kind of tree is outside my window, I just know that it bursts forward with beautiful white flowers, it's always the first sign of spring in my little garden. Already I am catching bursts of that beautiful spring green.  I love that color, only outside, in nature, it fills my heart as a gentle reminder that spring is getting ready to come on the scene in a huge way.  One day the trees will still be barren and cold, the grass will be muted, flowers are still resting deep underground as you start your day, and just like that the day will end in springtime. 

I guess if you need any further proof that God is taking care of us and providing for our needs, then maybe you aren't really looking. 

Yesterday while I was finishing my chores I listened to a YouTube channel that I usually don't follow.  I'm not even sure where I got the link that led me to it.  It was in something that I do usually follow, it's a site I visit periodically, but for some reason I have never subscribed.  I subscribed yesterday.  

I had started to listen earlier in the day, but I knew I was distracted and wouldn't give it the attention it seemed to deserve, so I'd saved it for ironing time.  A time when I knew I wouldn't be interrupted, no one was likely to call or text, and honestly is there a chore that is more mindless than ironing?  

It was on Roots and Refuge, and I am including the link.  It's a devotional and it's about "homesteading".  Yet, not in the way you would expect.  Sure she touches on the things that fill my heart, taking care of the home, gardening, being self-sufficient.  All of those things, it was just so different. Be warned, it's about 50 minutes long, but it is definitely worth those precious minutes.  It's more about self-reflection, self-realization, and completely owning your own path and understanding what it is. 

I felt like yesterday was a day filled with messages.  A variety of things that I needed to hear, to feel, and to experience. After all, I also felt powerfully drawn to write also. 

One of the most powerful parts of the day, was when she mentioned the apron club.  For me it felt like a giant smack upside the head and heart.  I know I joke about being "retired", I am not now, nor do I feel will I ever be retired.  I do feel like I finally got promoted to the greatest career path I was ever blessed to have.  I am a homemaker.  I am a proud member of the apron club. My favorite apron is stained, faded and definitely worn.  It's been used to wipe tears, grab hot pans, wipe my hands on, and to protect me from many things.  I should make a few more just like it, maybe someday I will make the time. 

There are times that I battle bitterness that I had not been able to embrace that path when my babies were young and needed me.  I have had deep regrets that bubble to the surface at my own blindness, at allowing myself to believe in the fear man was driving into my heart.  How we wouldn't survive if I wasn't working as hard and as fast as I could.  I watched longingly at the relationship my daughter has with her own children, mainly due to the fact that she is a 100% hands on mom.  

I own that.  I pray about it.  And I thank God for finally breaking me free from it all.  Now I am a full-time grandma, available at a moments notice.  When my grand-daughter calls and asks me to meet her sisters bus, I don't have to hesitate, I simply go - providing I'm not scrambling about like a blind mouse searching for my keys... I am able to be there when my children, husband, family, friends or even neighbors need me. 

Are there times I allow man's ways to disturb me?  Absolutely!  I can get in a tail spin the same as everyone else.  I promise you, Monday I was beyond disturbed.  As I went first to my bank to find out I could no longer physically interact with a teller, but in a very Jetsonesque manner I could interact via a computer monitor in the lobby.  And when that was topped off by them telling me that I could no longer receive or deposit change physically.  Well, my mind was 100% blown.  I simply wanted to cash a few checks and the fact that I could only receive the paper dollars back and had to allow them to deposit my coins felt foreign and controlling.  I was absolutely not okay with that experience and I am now evaluating my relationship with their new model.  I'm sorry, I am not really okay with such a non-personal method of dealing with people. 

I followed it up by a quick trip to my least favorite store.  I needed a few paper products for our home and thought it would be least expensive by going to Wal-Mart.  As a general rule I avoid the one closest to our home, I dislike the coldness, the lack of cashiers, the location, well basically everything.  I will usually drive to the next town and go to theirs, but I was on a bit of a time crunch.  I was trying to get everything done in an hour, so... ours it was. 

I never in my life dreamed that buying 120 plastic trash bags would cost $23.85, but there I was looking at the prices in stunned disgust.  I guess it hits me a bit harder than some folks, because I avoid going to the store unless I absolutely have to.  I also needed tissues... $9.99 for 6 boxes?  I used to loose my mind at the thought of $7 for 6. I even considered going with the generics on both items, but the prices were the same, so I figured I'd stay with what I knew.  In fact, every single item that I have always purchased was significantly higher in price.  In September I'd bought the same trash bags, and seriously struggled with paying $15.95 for them.  

After those shocks I decided to browse the store a bit.  I wasn't purchasing, but I wanted to absorb the atmosphere, my fellow shoppers, the prices on an assortment of items.  I guess I felt like a glutton for punishment as my daddy used to say. 

As I wandered in stunned silence I noticed the prices on laundry soap have soared to unreasonable levels, it's mostly water folks. Suddenly feeling very thankful that I have a fair amount in my pantry and that I have discovered that Soap Nuts work much better than chemicals. 

Everywhere I turned there were faces of dismay, I heard so many people speaking about prices in whispered horror as they would put things back instead of in their carts.  People are struggling, hard. 

When I left I was in a bit of a tailspin, I was stunned, shocked and frankly angry.  After spending time with Hubs at lunch, processing my thoughts on it all and talking through things.  I felt better.  Was I still shocked, yeah, but in a different light. I know that God is the ultimate provider and while man may be focused on making life complicated, expensive and unyielding, God will provide.  I stopped being a part of it all. 

A part of it must have lingered, because I truly felt that the message yesterday was directed at me personally.  I know my sweet Hubs often says I am a prepper, I'm not.  I'm a homemaker.  I am someone that puts on my apron and takes care of my family, my friends and others who need it.  I have finally found the spot I belong in life.  

I love growing our food, would I love a larger plot of land that I could plant and produce more, sure.  But it's not that season in our lives.  Maybe someday that is a path I will follow, now is not the time.  I love canning and cooking.  I cherish knowing what I am feeding my loved ones.  I care about the things that the world today tries to make into seem "old-fashioned".  Out of step with "modern times".  I'm okay with that, I don't wish to be part of the disaster that I see with modern times.

I am caring for the earth, my loved ones, my community in the way I have been called to do for this place and time.  Who knows where I will be later.  Who knows what talents (Luke 19:11-27) the Lord will bless me with going forward, but like the first and second servants let me multiply those talents and bless my Lord with my gratefulness at his trust in me.  Because I know that as I demonstrate my faithfulness and ability to manage what is given to me, I will receive greater gifts. 

Beau agrees... 

Speaking of which... the shirts are finished and will be delivered this evening, the chores are complete and this woman is ready to make quilts... time to get busy multiplying my blessings. And while I am at it... might need to make up a few more aprons... I pray this club multiplies as well...

love and prayers... 

a new kind of busy...

I've been busy. Physically, mentally, spiritually. I haven't felt drawn to write, I've been processing and working my way through a variety of thoughts and feelings.  All of it has been good.  In fact it's been fairly wonderful.  I just haven't felt like writing. 

I've been busy stepping out of this crazy mixed up controlled world that we've grown used to living in.  I've stepped away from so much that when I do actually walk out into it, I often find myself suffering massive culture shock. 

I've been healing. My body, my mind, my heart and my soul.  Once I stepped back and really started doing the things I've needed to do so much greatness is happening.  My hand is slowly healing, I guess I really needed to stop for a bit to allow it time.  It's been rough.  I need to be busy, it's in my very essence (FYI - the Bible talks about the necessity of valued work and it's importance - guess it's hard wired in me).  I discovered copper and its healing properties. I've learned to rely more on my left hand than my right and most importantly, I've learned when to stop.  That was the hardest lesson. I've always been that push through until you finish what you want to do person, Not listening to the needs of my own body, a bit of pain didn't equal a stopping point. 

Being lost in my Bible, I am learning new things daily.  I am being reminded of things I've always known, but walked away from for too long.  Hubs and I discovered "the Chosen" series and have to confess we might have binged watched it.  I highly recommend it.  Now we find ourselves anxiously waiting for season 4.  If you have a Roku television (who doesn't, I mean can you even buy one without it?) Angel Studios is a free channel.  It's 100% crowdfunded, it's 100% amazing. 

getting ready for mouse races
who wants to come?

I've been creating, in many, many ways.  In fact I have a few things that need finished up this morning.  I am working on a fairly good sized order for a veteran's group and my mission is to finish it today.  Then I won't feel guilty as I get back into quilting like a crazy woman.  

the start of a 15 hour assembly journey

gotta check that packing list...
all there!

Of course she needed a name
"the Beast"

such beautiful stitches...
I am in love

Yup, my longarm finally arrived.  I played with it for several days while waiting for the shirts and vinyl to arrive, it's been lingering quietly while I worked on this order.  I feel I have another two hours and that project is done and off to the owner. 

I cleaned out my sewing studio, I cut all of the fleece I've acquired over the years into blanket and donated it to a guy that does rescue transport for dogs and cats.  I had zero need for it and the babies that he is rescuing will be comforted. The cleaning out, the gifting for such a good cause, lifted my spirit and my heart.  Now I have more space and they have more comfort. 

While cleaning out, I discovered that I have scraps (yep, I'm that crazy person that firmly believes in waste not, want not) going back almost 40 years.  Stuffed in boxes, cupboards and totes.  My mission moving forward, will be to make an assortment of baby quilts using the bits and pieces up.  Will they win any awards, of course not, that isn't the plan.  Instead, I will create them, use them to hone my quilting skills and then donate them to a charity that supports mothers that choose life, regardless of their circumstances. Not sure where that idea came from, but it came rushing in and I can't shake it.  

I am preparing my garden beds and getting ready to start planting.  I am working on cooking healthy, whole foods for my family.  I am spending time with my family and friends.  Life has been filled with joy and laughter. 

someone is cheating on mom...

please can I have another?
look at our miracle boy ❤

the night we shall not discuss...

sentry duty... what are those deer doing?

she needs to stop growing so fast

Again, I've been busy and blessed.  I've had heartwarming conversations with friends that were simply a few exchanged messages.  Yet filled my heart.  I messaged briefly with one of my longest friends in my life the other day.  They'd suffered a loss that was deep, I needed them to know that I felt their pain and was praying for them as they sorted through it.  I was blessed to hear from a young man that used to work for me, we are setting a catch up date over middle eastern food, he is an amazing kid, yep, have to use that word as he is the age of my oldest grands.  I am looking forward to hearing how his life is going and all of the good he is doing. 

Busy... I know busy means a lot of things to a lot of people.  It's so different to me now, so very different than it was a few years back.  

A few years ago, I would have been working long hours, struggling through exhaustion, an annual fundraiser (one that I truthfully never found my way to believe in), struggling for numbers and dollars.  We still donate, minimally, Hubs is still a part of that world.  I pray daily for the people that were part of my world back then, for the hard work and stress they go through at this time of the year. And then I praise God because my life is busier than ever!  Yet it is full of meaningful work, things that fill my heart and allow my spirit to fly.  I am no longer running on a wheel like a hamster, trying desperately to reach something that will forever be out of my reach. 

Happiest of birthdays to my Mom!

Our little birthday girl! 
6 looks good on you

I am blessed.  I have time for loved ones, I have gotten to share in the joy of my grands, celebrate milestone birthdays, laugh, be supportive on a moments notice for those I love and care about all without guilt or stress.  I am so very, very blessed. 

I will never stop working, pretty sure Hubs won't either, it isn't our nature.  Sitting and binge watching shows had us both full of energy with a need to "do", but our souls and spirit needed tending as well. 

their newest way to wrestle... 20 minutes worth
all on their backs... hysterical!

she is so beautiful...
although hardly ever still

His centerfold pose

I feel strongly that the chaos and insanity swirling around us is more of a call to each of us to step back, reconnect in our hearts and then seriously reevaluate the path forward. I don't know how frequently I will feel drawn to write.  Again... I have been busy.  When I feel it, I will be here, when I don't... well... 

The plants need their weekly drink and as the puppies have settled down for their morning naps, I need to get busy with finishing that order.  I really, really want to quilt...