deeper...

I have received some of the greatest gifts in the past few years.  I have learned so much.  I always feel that people and events come into your life when you need them the most.  Usually for the next phase of your journey.  

The past few years have felt very fluid to me.  Some things are clear as day, others feel hazy and as if they happened an eternity ago.  I'm a person that is very rooted in living in the present.  I suck at long term plans and I struggle to remember the past (sometimes as close as a few days/weeks ago).  I am happiest when my world simply follows it's natural path and flows. 

As I have learned more about meditation, energy work and self-care, I've also discovered the power I personally receive when I practice these things.  I don't think envy is the word, but I am in awe of the people I know that have spent years developing their skills in these areas. What a blessing this must be to them and those around them.

I had started working on developing Reiki skills, except I allowed those darn have to's to get in the way. I am considering starting that journey again soon.  The timing feels better for me now. I don't have so many commitments to others.  

I am enjoying this phase. The peace in my very soul is comforting.  Every morning for over a year, I have drawn an energy card.  I have focused on the same question daily, what do I need to know today. I'm not one of those people that goes to a reader with a list of questions, in fact when asked I never think of a single question, simply what do I need to know. I remember when I was introduced to these cards, I remember the feeling associated with them. I remember the wild and crazy thoughts that they introduced into my very being. 

Over the course of this time I have drawn several so many times that I felt I was a complete idiot for not understanding or that I was too simple to make the needed changes to be "unstuck", frankly I even considered that my deck was faulty and I was lousy at shuffling. Especially given that many of them revolved around needing to move away from the path I was on, that people I trusted should not be trusted, that there were powerful male/female energies that were basically harming me as I continued on my path. 

As life has evolved recently, they have shifted.  Eight days ago I pulled "door to personal healing and happiness", it followed a week of Archangel cards.  And since that day, I have pulled an increasingly heart warming and powerful set of cards.  Each one seems to be telling me I am on the right path. 

I feel comforted and strong in this understanding.  I feel blessed. I drew one that focused on community and loss, it was so raw and honest, I did lose a community. It was time to lose that community and now I am finding the people that are truly my tribe.  I am finding joy in continuing to have them in my circle.  

My circle feels stronger.  It feels bolder. Almost like a giant sharpie has created a border around it. Time feels more fluid than ever now.  Yet the time with my family, my friends and my tribe feels far more focused and fulfilling. 

When I wake up in the mornings I feel peace.  My anxiety is almost gone.  The stress of checking off boxes that have no meaning to me is fading. Conversations no longer drift guiltily to topics of depth and feeling, they intentionally start there. 

For so long I felt like I was living life floating on the surface.  Knowing there was so much more, that the colors and shapes below the surface were breathtaking and rich.  Yet feeling like they were out of reach, that in order to survive I had to keep floating, to keep playing superficial games and living in a bubble of superficial ideas. 

All the while longing for that place that was seemingly out of reach. 

For what seems like a lifetime, I have been the odd one, the square peg trying to fit a round hole, the one that just never quite fit. I was convinced that there was something terribly wrong with me, that I was broken. 

I don't feel that way any longer.  I am not so sure I was the odd one, the wrong peg or out of place.  I feel like I have simply been trying for far to long to be someone I was never meant to be. Like I was hiding my light under not only bushels, but rocks - afraid to let the world see who I truly am. 

Ahhh... the gifts of time, age and gaining unconventional wisdom... I will never be a round peg, years of trying have never softened and molded my edges.  I am never going to see the world with conventional eyes.  I don't do well with peer pressure and I definitely don't like being bullied.  I will give love and encouragement freely, I don't need anyone else to define me.  

In an odd way, I feel that I had to complete a very uncomfortable journey where I did not fit in, in order to be reborn as the person I have always known I was. I will proudly own the quirky edges of who I am, I want to color outside the lines and experience all of the incredible adventures this world has to offer.  I don't want to be stuck in a low vibrational state.  I'm tired of checking off boxes. I'm exhausted from being politically correct. 

I am finally ready to simply be me.