As I was sitting here in the darkness soaking up the peace and beauty I find that I myself drawn to a fire more and more. It feels so pure, so cleansing, The energy is renewing and powerful for me. I am loving this time of life.
Today is a powerful day, not because it's Halloween, as we have been commercialized to celebrate it. I am moving more and more away from the commercialization of holidays and digging deeper into what the day actually is meant to celebrate and acknowledge. In many cultures and religions today has nothing to do with candy and costumes. It has everything to do with celebrating ancestors, paying respects and ending a cycle. Astrologically today also ends a cycle. At one point in time today was the end of the year. It is simply a powerful time.
As I was sitting here in the dark silence I was thinking about my loved ones that have crossed over. I felt calm and peaceful. I really believe that we are the sum of all those that have come before they contribute to who we are today. Some of that is positive, some of the experiences were negative. All of the experiences and knowledge shaped me in some way.
I do not parent like my parents did, and I am sure they didn't parent like their parents did. My daughter is completely different from me as a parent. Yet watching her interact with all of her babies yesterday, I know that she is raising them to be incredible humans that love and value other people. We all make mistakes, we all have moments that we are not the best we can be, we aren't here because we are perfect. We are here to learn is my belief.
The youngest is so much like her mother was in personality when she was that age. Watching her yesterday, proudly marching in the parade, but refusing to go up and say trick or treat to anyone, not engaging with the other kids, it was like looking through a looking glass into the past. I held her hand and led her up to each table she wanted to approach, let her use my confidence where her own was lacking, something I wish I had been strong enough to do when her mom was the same way. I was too young then, I hadn't grown enough as a person myself, instead I had been frustrated and overwhelmed with her actions, I didn't understand. I was thankful to be able to do it for the little one, to finally be at the place in my journey that I could be her strength.
Yesterday, with all the kiddo's it was easy to see the growth and changes. I am so very proud of them. Life hasn't been kind to them, 3 of them lost their dad super young, although I am sure that he is on the other side of the veil beaming with pride, not just today but everyday. They know that Mom always has their backs as they make this journey, they are finding their way. My heart was simply overflowing.
I often ponder the negative experiences, I can't remember most of them, to my way of thinking that must mean that I already learned the lesson they were trying to teach me. The ones I can remember, I feel like I haven't quite figured out yet. There are very few and the older I get there seem to be fewer, I feel blessed. It doesn't stop me from trying to understand the ones that are still in my face. And there are a few, I will keep working to unravel them, to understand the lessons before me, to make sense of it all.
I am not the person I was and I know that each morning I am not the person I was the day before. We are all evolving, learning and growing. I try to give grace to everyone, I try to understand their point of view and the reasons behind it. I will admit there are days that I feel... dang you can't fix stupid... because some of what I witness is so frustrating and hurtful to others. Then I remember it isn't my job to fix stupid, it is their job to learn and grow. My job is to learn and grow. I sometimes reflect back on who I was just a couple of decades ago, and I don't recognize her. Sometimes I feel I am still that lost little girl that my daughter was for a time and that my grand-daughter is becoming for her small bit of time, then I remember all the changes and she fades away.
I feel there are times that my grandmothers flow through my veins, even my great grandmother (at least the one I knew). When I am cooking slowly for my family or creating things that I simply seem to know... I was never taught these things, they are simply there. They seem to simply be a part of my story, of who I am and where I am going in this life. Yet I am still grateful for what they have given me.
My father taught me many things, he shaped a great deal of who I am. Some good, some bad, all with love. When my stubbornness peeks through and I won't back down from something, I know it is his love and his stubbornness that I am feeling. From him, I learned to simply keep trying. Because my wonderful imperfect Dad did just that. He always kept trying, he was forever shooting for the stars - you never know you might land on the moon if you do! He was the pusher, the one that didn't want any of us to accept who or what we were, because he knew there was greater in us. Did he always do it kindly? Nope, but I don't believe we would have listened if he had. Even though on the surface there were times you felt he was withholding love and emotion, if you stayed the course and really focused you knew that he never withheld it, it was always there.
Today I am going to spend the time in nature, I'm going to honor those on the other side of the veil and ask them what I can learn yet from them... Today is about respecting the past and letting it go, so that I can move fully into the bright future that lay ahead.
The less attached I am to the world that has been created and structured for us to participate in, the more I understand the world is changing. That attachments are breaking and reforming. I love these changes, they are filled with love and power... we simply need to grasp them in our hands and treasure what is there...
love and peace...
Good one! 381+
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