in balance...

Have you ever walked on a balance beam?  When I was a kid I took gymnastics for a bit.  The balance beam was always a struggle.  In fact I've never had great balance.  Even now I rarely chose any activity that requires great balance.  Although I like to blame it on my knee, it most definitely is a life long deficiency. 

That being said, I currently feel like my entire life is being walked on a balance beam.  Doing what is good for Hubs and I health wise.  Focusing on the healing that has long needed to happen.  Trying to balance the needs of my two pups, as I am being reminded rather harshly that they are two distinct pups with two very distinct needs.  Planning for a trip down to Arkansas, trying to navigate the medical appointments, preparing Belle's recover zone and staying in control.  

All of it feels intense. My "job" is home centric, I am a homemaker, domestic goddess - whatever feel good word you want to insert.  I am a wife, it is my role (at least to my heart) to take care of hearth and home.  When the other bits start stacking up.  Whew!  It gets intense. 

My sweet little girl is a pure athlete.  She is focused and tough.  She will push herself for what she wants, with no regard or understanding of the possible outcomes.  She loves walking, hiking, being on patrol - looking for every squirrel or bird that might cross her path.  Hubs is right, she would have been an amazing hunting companion.  Instead, she is a nervous old woman's baby.  She is also Momma's girl.  She follows me, sleeps with me, is always checking in to make sure she is still my baby.  Our Belle loves Dad, but she is in love with Mom as he puts it. 

So her lameness as we await her surgery is breaking my heart.  She doesn't want to submit to the pain, she wants to go about our regular life. It's not going to happen and the look of betrayal when I am forced to tell her no, is gut wrenching. I know it's best for her.  I know she can't handle it, even if she would force herself to do so.  Those beautiful brown eyes pleading... It is definitely not for the faint of heart. 

I still fit, see...

Yup still... get it mom?

My Beau, my big boy, he's so chill.  Laid back and the one that will roll with the flow.  He's the reason we started walking every day.  I want his phenobarbital to stay in the low range that it is, it's not a great medicine for the liver, so the lowest dosage possible is best.  And Mr. Chill can easily gain weight when he slides into lazy lounging. The other thing is big guy has developed a passion for those walks.  The more the better, he craves them. 

Maybe dad will understand our need for treats

Today Hubs and I went and walked without them.  Four miles in the sunshine.  We knew they were going to be upset.  We were right.  Belle has started to accept her current limitations, just giving us the stink eye a few times before settling back onto the sofa.  Beau was another story.  I hadn't wanted to walk him in the heat, not great for a seizure boy, but there was no appeasing him. It was walk, or we were dead to him. 

Slowly and quietly I put my shoes back on.  Dad could stay home with the sunbathing princess.  I needed to appease the beast.  He sat silently judging and glaring to let me know he was not happy, watching me slip my shoes back on, wasting zero energy.  As soon as I grabbed the leash that silly boy became a happy bouncing puppy!  As we quietly snuck out of the house (yes I am a wimp - don't judge), he kept looking up at me smiling and bouncing.  Beau definitely has a big smile when he is happy.  Hubs saw him out the window, or he probably would not have believed me, as he happily bounded down the road.

He and I got most of another mile in.  And I am sure he would have gone further, but it was already pushing 80° and heat is just not great for him.  He slowly walked down the road, head down, the joy of earlier simply gone. Dang, these pups have mastered manipulating mom. 

Drop Mr Beau off and grab Miss Belle for a very short walk.  Finally have a moment to rest. 

This is the rhythm of my days lately.  It will change even more dramatically after Belle's surgery.  But for now we are simply waiting.  Making her as comfortable as possible.  Trying to get her to be calm and to rest (fearful this is a losing battle). The days that where flying past seem to have slowed again.  Dramatically slowed. 

I guess it's like waiting for Christmas as a kid or vacation as a working adult.  Those are clock hands that never move.  I assume, watching my baby suffer is what is slowing time down so much. 

In the midst of it all, Beau still needs his walks, he is healing also.  Although his needs will be life long. 

 I've found myself in a place of stagnation.  I have three quilts in progress, I haven't really done much on them.  I find myself doing my daily chores and then I sort of spin.  Nothing grabs my attention.  I just pace and feel stuck. 

I finished up a project for my son and now I am trying to direct my energy back to the other things.  The quilts, the unfinished sweater, the mending... it all feels a bit much and at the same time stuck. 

I'm back on that balance beam.  

Focused, trying to hold myself steady as I move my feet one in front of the other.  Not allowing the distractions to overwhelm me, pushing the fears and the anxiety to the side.  Praying Hubs' next procedure will finally have him feeling like himself. 

Moving forward. I know this is only a season, as the year wraps up we will look back and celebrate many victories. We will find ourselves camping and hiking again by late summer/early fall.  I know this, I feel it in my very soul.  

But geez, the journey...

Any fellow balance beam walkers?  

Take care, rest and be kind to yourself, 

love, 

b