Those boundaries were always far too fluid to push my luck, one wrong decision could end up with me longing for my bed for a week or more. The exhaustion button was far too easy to push for far too long.
And yet during this healing process I have found myself deliberately pushing myself. I am simply not that person. So I am struggling to really get to know the person that I am becoming. I like her, but I don't often understand or relate to her. I am so proud of this person, I am comfortable in who I am becoming because of this journey. And each time I feel like not pushing forward, that small inner voice, that is rapidly becoming a booming megaphone says... nope... do more.
I had planned on buying a recumbent bike to aid in my recovery. And also so that Hubs could comfortably exercise without straining his lower back and hip. I believe I mentioned that I couldn't wait for clearance from Doc to start using one. I was unbelievably excited when I was told to proceed. What he failed to tell me, was that I was not going to hop on one and start pedaling. It wasn't for lack of desire or even knowledge of how to use one, it was a complete inability to move my leg for the full motion required to operate one.
I slid into a bit of a funk. I want to heal, I want to be strong, I want to tackle all of my personal mountains. Oh yeah, this is where that lesson about patience sneaks back into the picture. I can just imagine my spirit guides and guardian angel sitting just outside of my view laughing at me. Gently shaking their heads and wondering if I will ever learn.
I am not that obtuse. I can be taught a lesson. So instead of feeling like I could scale the highest mountains and conquer any obstacle, I reevaluated where I was and what baby steps I needed. Slowly Hubs and I have walked practically daily. The light poles as my guide. Want your ego to get knocked down? Set your fitness tracker and then start that .85 mile walk. When it registers 45 minutes... pow! Right between the eyes. The old me focused on those two numbers right there, distance and time. Those things determined success or failure.
The me I am becoming, cherishes the journey. The process. Did I manage to lift my heel and walk in a complete "rotation"? How normal does my gait feel and look? Did I manage to stand and have a conversation without reaching out to Hubs for support? How much difficulty did those tiny hills give me? Was I winded?
Today, I felt like superwoman! I did something really hard and I succeeded.
I found out that I could use an elliptical/upright bike with minimal difficulty. It allowed me to push my boundaries, to test the envelope. So... "I did a thing" as my sweet daughter says and I bought one. It arrived yesterday - typical some assembly required - so Hubs and I decided to assemble it in the morning when we were both wide awake and fresh. Some assembly jobs will test even the strongest relationships and we didn't know what we were walking into.
Surprisingly the assembly was fairly uncomplicated and went smoothly. At no point were cross words exchanged and the extent of injuries was my scraped toe. My apprehension was through the roof. What if when I'd tested them I was feeling extremely rested, what if I was having a really good day, what if, what if... yet even with that apprehension and those negative thoughts I gingerly climbed on, my bare feet on the rough steps. We needed to set the seat where I could bend my knee enough to move the steps in a full rotation.
The first few minutes felt like torture, not so much to my knee, but to my poor feet. Shoes donned it was time to seriously try it. The rotations were far from smooth, my knee balked at the bending motion (whole reason I wanted it), but it made it.
Like I said, I've become more reasonable, I set my goal at ten full minutes. At about five minutes I was cursing myself, but moved forward - crazy slow, I was determined. At around the six and a half mark, I realized that it was uncomfortable, clunky and awkward... but it was getting easier. My leg was bending in a normal manner. My arms were screaming, but my knee was bending and moving in a normal manner, it was working.
I hit the ten minute mark to find my knee was actually enjoying it. It was getting smoother, not faster, but definitely smoother. And I'd only had to sit and keep pedaling twice for less than thirty seconds each.
I might have been able to go longer, I seriously considered it. I quickly discarded that idea. I wanted to be able to try again in the morning and not push myself to the extreme. I didn't want to be too tired to move or attempt it again. Or to even go about my daily tasks. I have things to do ya know?
As I stepped off, slightly unsure of what to expect and a bit hesitant, I was met with a surge of personal power. I was able to walk so smoothly, no stiffness, no jerking in my step. I felt powerful. I felt strong and I felt capable.
In that instant it occurred to me that I also felt different mentally. It wasn't just physical. From that moment in time I started to feel the forward motion inside. I didn't feel like I was standing still, I didn't feel like I was frozen in time watching the world zip past me. I felt in control.
In control is a feeling I have been missing for the past two months. Feeling helpless and needing others to be the support and mechanism of living my daily life. My conclusion, if you want to feel powerful and in control do something super hard! Do it for even 5 minutes. Push your own boundaries, expand your capabilities. The rush is unreal.
Getting up with Hubs at 330 am was strictly driven by my desire to accomplish a task. My energy levels are currently questioning my sanity. My emotional levels are bubbling with the fire of success. The fact that that man loves me enough to work on a project like that first thing in the morning, for no other reason than for me to heal... my heart is overflowing.
This journey has been the most unique one I have ever traveled. I am daily forced to rethink what I thought was the path. I am being asked to slow down, sometimes go completely in the opposite direction, re-evaluate, re-think, slow down some more and then proceed with extreme caution being ready to accept a stop or reverse at any moment.
The more I comfortable I become with this new slower way to live and process life, the more I feel it's beauty and flow. I wish I had done it years ago. No... not the knee, although that would have solved a world of discomfort and pain, but living my life slower. With greater thought and intention.
The success junkie in me is dying to go down and try it again. The new me, is content to say nope, it will be there tomorrow. And as I walk across the room the muscles that got put on notice that they were needed to step up to the plate and pull their weight... well they are saying maybe next year. Tomorrow morning I will accomplish another ten minutes, and the day after that as well. I don't know how long it will take to move past that 10 minute mark, to add another minute or two, I am prepared to go slowly.
I have a goal. By this time next year, the only thing that will give away my new knee will be the faint scar on my knee. I will walk smoothly, I will eventually ride my bike, I will be able to go rafting or climb in our little fishing boat without fear or angst. I will be able to stand for hours on end at my longarm. I will be able to play with my grands and enjoy my life. And no one will ever be the wiser.
So... back to my original question... Have you ever deliberately pushed yourself? Have you done the hard stuff? Cause I gotta tell you, the feeling of accomplishment and personal power is incredible! It isn't always the physical stuff, that was just what caused my ah-ha moment. I am tired of living in my comfort zone, I'm starting to push those walls a bit further each day. I am so grateful for this time, for this energy that I am living in and working through.
Take the chance, do the super hard thing, you absolutely deserve that incredible feeling that comes with it!
Good one! 381+
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