After a self inflicted week of digging through the past, deciding what to keep and what needed to go, I opted to go and help my girl out. She was working on a big project in Arkansas, she needed help and it gave us some time to spend together. Luckily having been in property management (not the kind where you run real estate), I have a strong skill set that she needed. Ironically, most of the men I encountered this weekend were quick to discredit that skill set. It's okay, I didn't need their acknowledgement and knew where to push to keep things moving and get them finish.
I guess I don't really come across as someone that possesses those skills. I was humored. I was even more humored when I could have prevented a bit of struggle and work, if they would have listened.... And when they choose to ignore me and shut me down, I choose to be silent. Let them expend the time and energy, they evidently need to learn by experiencing those things. My girl's skill set is strong also, I have simply experienced a few more things than she has (nice way of saying I'm old - I've had more time to make mistakes and learn from them.)
This past week has definitely been about healing. It's been wrapped up in letting go of the past and moving head first into life. It's been strange and wonderful. There have been tears, there have been smiles. This past weekend there laughter, moaning, frustration and a sense of closure for me.
In fact the entire stretch of time has held all of those emotions and more. Mostly it has held the powerful feeling of closure and healing. Some conversations can never be held, deepest feelings and emotions forever halted at the time of death. The very act of clearing away physical trinkets and memories, also released those feelings that were stagnate and trapped. It felt like I have finally been able to release things that have been holding my back. Holding me hostage to my own feelings and emotions.
Helping my girl this weekend brought closure to a painful chapter in my life. It allowed me to make peace with someone that had inadvertently and for the best of reasons hurt me. Helping to tidy up the remaining pieces of his lifetime, cleaning and painting in silence gave me time to release those feelings and respect the reason the actions happened. It was like clear water being poured into a long festering wound.
As we headed out to return home, it was a bag of mixed emotions, but all of them felt pure.
My girl had to deal with a phone call that almost brought her to her knees just before we left. The struggle not to run to her as she requested a bit of time alone to process the loss of a very dear friend was real. That she allowed me to hold her while she hurt... indescribable. My girl is not fond of touch, her melting into my arms and drawing on my strength drove home how deeply hurt she was.
My girl and I rarely have one on one time. It's often cluttered with others, schedules and the day to day chaos that is life. To have roughly 12 hours to just the two of us, was priceless, even though we were both struggling through that long drive home after working so hard for two days. We talked about a million things. Some large, some tiny, some important, some mundane all of it was perfection.
Today, I am struggling. My eyes are heavy, my body is tender, but my soul feels like many of the little tears that life creates were patched and mended. It's now time to get back to work, I am not allowing myself a nap, I want a long night of deep sleep.
2023 is starting off in a very strange way. A healing way. I am thankful for the growth and the journey.
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