I'm sitting here alone enjoying the lights and listening to Pastor Bob Joyce sing beautiful Christmas carols (if you loved Elvis' music like I did, you really need to take a listen... dang). In a bit I will climb the stairs, worn out from a busy day and ready to sleep. Wondering when my sweet Hubs will finally be home from a long evening.
Ironically, I am having flashbacks to the first Christmas I spent with Hubs. That Christmas eve was very similar, although I had my boy to keep busy. He got called into work that night also. I knew when his phone rang at 7:30 pm on Christmas eve that it wasn't going to be good news. You simply don't get that type of call on such an important night and have it be good. I could hear the voice of one of the Vice President of his buildings, I really like him and have known him for a long time, I heard the apology and then the news. Nope, it wasn't good news.
As he rushed to get out of his jammies and new robe and dressed to head to his building, I already knew it was going to be a super long night, the deja vu factor was strong. I wanted to be mad, I wanted to yell and scream and cry. None of those emotions bubbled to the surface. I knew he wouldn't have been called if it wasn't dire.
Without any kids at home, the night feels odd already. Puppies don't care what day they open their gifts and it already felt surreal. I've been dealing with my own feelings, trying to keep them tamped down hard, trying to adjust to the vast amount of time that sometimes passes between visits from kiddo's and the mixture of excitement of spending our twentieth Christmas together. Let's just say it's already been an emotional roller coaster. I wonder if I just don't have any unfelt feelings left to deal with this.
I worry about him, I know he will push himself super hard, having dealt with a similar situation in the past, I know that it won't be pleasant or fun. They've called as many folks together as they can, it will take hours. He forgets that he's not a spring chicken any longer. Add that to the fact that he's already pushed himself too hard the past few days in the bitter cold means that he will be exhausted. I don't want him to make himself sick, he's on vacation for the next week, I'd hate for him to spend it all in bed. Bitter cold and water are not a great combination.
He text me a bit ago, telling me to not wait up. I'm not sure what I will do, I'm weary. My nap faded away today when my oldest friend in the world called me to chat. I miss her, deeply. I wish she wasn't so very far away. But hearing her voice and talking about all the random crap only served to remind me that she and I will always be sisters by heart, we don't miss a beat. We can go literally months or years without talking and it's like it was just yesterday when we reconnect.
One of my sisters is stopping by on her way back home tomorrow, it feels wonderful to have bits and pieces of what I consider a normal Christmas memories. Growing older sort of feels like everything gets put into a kaleidoscope, just the slightest turn changes it all. It's still beautiful and wondrous, but it is also very different, a completely new picture and reality.
Life is definitely every changing. I always thought I was so flexible, adaptable... now I question if I truly am. Or if I am becoming rigid, do I long for the security of the known to the point that I no longer search for the beauty of the unknown? Or am I simply learning to flow with it.
The hot tears that threatened at the change to the evening never fell. Instead, I sat and watched the rest of the Christmas special we'd been watching, cuddled my puppies and then got up and cleaned up the house. Worked on the few Christmas gifts I still needed to wrap up before heading to the eldest's house tomorrow evening and now I'm sitting down. The wind is still raging, it's been an interesting couple of days, the music is fading and the evening has shifted into night.
I will probably sleep, much like I did 20 years ago. Waiting for Prince Charming to reappear and wake me from my sleep. Unlike that night so long ago, he will probably be weary and sweet and let me sleep. He will be exhausted and climb into bed silently to sleep until morning. Hopefully, we will get to open gifts and spend the day together, but I am not overly optimistic, he's dealing with a huge problem. We'll see. It's a milestone Christmas for us, twenty years... but if it ends up being 20 years and a day, it will be okay.
Happy Christmas eve... Hug your loved ones, cherish the moments with the little's while they are still young and embrace the joy in the smallest things. Remember God sent his only begotten son, for us.
love and peace....
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