My kiddo's lost one of their grandparents this fall, and honestly in complete fairness their Dad probably needs them far more than I do right now. I remember the year I lost my Dad, and how all I needed to make my heart feel home was Christmas with my babies. I didn't realize it was going to be the last Christmas for such a long time. It was the last time our boy has been home at all.
We raised strong independent children, exactly what you are supposed to do, but that doesn't make it any easier when you miss them like crazy. Whether it's because their lives are full and busy or they are far away.
Holiday's are starting to fade in importance. I admit as I put up the tree this year, I might have shed a few tears, but I was hoping against hope that maybe the boy might surprise us with a trip home. It wouldn't have been complete because I knew the girl had decided to spend the holiday with Dad, in fact I think my heart already knew the boy was heading to Dad's also. It's the right thing to do. I definitely encouraged both of them to do so. Remembering how my heart felt, I wanted to be kind and fair.
I know it's the right thing, so why do I feel so rotten? Probably because after driving all the way to Arkansas before my surgery last year, thinking I was going to get some quality time with the kids, I ended up getting a few spare hours and due to unforeseen circumstances, my time with them got taken away. They were off living their lives again. That's all I've seen them for far too long. A few random pictures, a couple of text messages and even an occasional phone call.
We see the girls a bit more, but not by much. Although I admit that we grab every single moment that is put before us, plans can always be cancelled when our kids have a moment in their schedules. I do miss them so.
I'm feeling super rotten, selfish and unreasonable. As I moved their boxes away to deal with when they return home I felt empty. For some stupid reason the song "Thank God for Kids" popped into my head, in all it's versus, that immediately followed listening to "I'll be home for Christmas".
I'm really okay with the holiday being just the Hubs and the Pups. It will be full of love and joy. But there is something magical about when your kids are little. I think the nostalgia is eating away at my heart. Remembering the almost daily pleading to open just one gift, the excitement and wonder of it all. Struggling to get them to bed, praying they would sleep long enough to create the magic.
Those days are very long gone. But that magic and wonder isn't.
I'm being a brat. I love them, they love us, they simply have to be in more places than time and space will allow. I'm pretty sure next year is already off the table as well, so I am fairly sure that added to the melancholy in my heart. Again, it is pure selfishness on my part.
When the boy was very, very young I had a premonition that I would see very little of him once he was past his early 20's. I crammed as much time into those years as I could, cherishing each moment, just in case. Here he's in his early 30's and I rarely see him.
Last year when I was so upset about my car, my impending surgery and life in general, I went to get a reading. I needed some reassurance and balance in my life, by then I knew that I wasn't going to get to see them again last summer - that life had zigged, not zagged. My heart sunk when the sweet lady said that she needed to let me know my boy loves me, but I would most likely not see him until at least 2025. It felt like an eternity, sometimes it still does, but with each moment that passes... it feels very much like it will come to pass.
One of my favorite Christmas albums growing up was by Walter Brennan, we listened to it every year, from wherever life had dropped us for the moment. One of the songs is about the family not being home for Christmas. It always made my heart feel a bit tender and mellow.
We missed a great many Christmases with extended family and it is probably why I struggle now. I don't want to ever become that way with my kiddo's. Rationally, I know that I am not spending Christmas with my mother either, I've spent very few as an adult, I do harbor guilt about that.
Our world is not the one of Norman Rockwell paintings. And honestly, I don't care so much if the kids are home for Christmas, I would just love to be able to see them a bit more. I simply miss them.
I'm glad I took the time to sit and write. My heart isn't so tender, my spirit is brighter. I do miss my babies, I think that is simply part of being a parent. It doesn't mean that Christmas isn't wonderful, Hubs and I will have a blessed day with our pups. The kids will probably call for a moment or two, although they will be pretty busy, so I will settle for a text message. We might spend a bit of the day with our oldest, as she might be in town. And if not... we'll build a fire, kick back and enjoy the magic of the day. If it isn't raining we will take the pups for a walk at their favorite park and we will spend time remembering the true meaning of the celebration. Taking time to thank God for the amazing gift of his only son and sending love and joyful thoughts and prayers to all of our family and friends.
When the girl and her family returns we will gather for a second Christmas in January and we will also be blessed to see all of her kids. Maybe the joy of stretching the holiday time out past a single day, is very much worth it.
I guess I'd better get busy, Hubs is throwing a Christmas party for his team tomorrow... or maybe I should say I am. I have goodies to cook and cleaning to do... time to get with it.
love and prayers...
Good one! Nice pics of the pups! 381+
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