I was craving all of that and hating it at the same time. This is the first year without Dad. Or at least it felt like it was without Dad. I've spent the majority of the last two weeks hovering somewhere between denial and absolute devastation. There really hasn't been a happy medium. It's taken less than nothing to make me cry, build walls and just plain want to cancel everything.
And I was dreading my year long decision to spend Christmas in Arkansas. I hadn't spent Christmas with the family since my youngest wasn't quite a year old. Twenty-seven years. That's an incredibly long time. Last year when I made the decision I had no idea how much the world would change. When the kids said they were going to Germany, I'd decided we were going to come home. Home was going to feel very un-home I decided last week.
At our home Hubs and I took care of the things that made life feel a bit more complete. Presents are wrapped for the kids to return to yet another Christmas. A beautiful pine cross is resting on Daddy's grave. All in all, it's was horribly sad and eating at my heart. Pulling into the driveway felt empty and like the joy had been sucked out of life. My eyes were burning from the tears I was not about the shed as we got out of the car and started gathering our bags full of gifts.
And then I realized Dad was there. Maybe not physically, we couldn't hug or kiss him. Yet his essence and love for us radiated through out everything. Each of us carries a bit of him in our actions, mannerisms and laughter. Mom still had the lights on Dad's tree (he picked it) cycling in between her elegant white and his festive multi-colors. I must take after him, I love the multi-colors too.
Mom is right, you can feel him there. She enjoys being home, because he feels like he is there in every way. Except that his chair is empty most of the time.
I was also worried about the dynamic of us girls being together. We love each other, we will fight any fool brave enough to hurt one of us, but... when stressed or hurting we are not always nice to each other. We push back, we say things that none of us truly means and we build walls to protect our hearts. The first Christmas without Dad made me nervous as to where our hearts would be. Each of us has a loving partner in life that will protect us, only complicating things further.
As I sit here this morning, relaxing in the silence, Hubs is outside puffing on a cigar in the rain and I haven't allowed any noise to penetrate my world, I am thankful. Soon we will meet up with Mom and my first sister - I'm the oldest so she was the first to make me a sister - for breakfast and a bit more visiting before it is time to head north. Our visit ends today, it's almost time to return to our home.
My first sister and I have the most contentious relationship. We have since we were teens. I used to think it was because we are so different. As we age, I've come to realize that it is because we are so much alike.
We both have the same she lion tendencies when it comes to protecting our families and loved ones. We truthfully have incredibly similar hobbies and things that relax us. Watching her pure joy at creating has really brought it home for me. In fact, she made us all matching shirts for Christmas - I am over the moon at this! I am fairly sure that none of my sisters has ever made me a gift for Christmas. Although the second sister is a demon at making afghans and the first sister is just as crafty and creative as I am. I will treasure my crazy sister shirt forever! She is so talented and I enjoy that we have so much in common.
I am filled with joy that she rearranged her schedule to be able to spend a few more moments with us. I think that is the greatest lesson all of us have learned from this year. To be more present. To be more focused on what really matters. To share in the joy of simply being with the people that make the differences in our lives. Our baby sis wasn't able to come, and we missed her laughter and joyousness so much. She couldn't be here because early Wednesday morning she had to work. Her work gives love to others that need it so much. Yet through the magic of Face Time she was with us.
As this year wraps up, 2018 will go down in our family history as one of the most loss filled years ever. Dad's side of the family lost 3 this year, as we are racing towards 2019 I pray that is all. We need time to heal. There have been so many harsh changes and things ripped away from us. Yet the lessons learned have been powerful.
I actually feel more present in life than I have for a long time. I feel like I was rushing through life missing the important things in pursuit of things. Trying to fill imaginary holes while missing out on the parts that are most valuable. Hubs and I have been going too fast. This slowing down that is happening feels good. It feels life giving. Spending time with Mom and my sisters laughing, talking, cooking, sharing. My sweet Hubs and the brother-in-laws have been doing all the same things. It has felt refreshing.
I'm glad we came home. I'm glad that I didn't let the fear of the pain keep me from enjoying the past few days so fully! I am eagerly awaiting the kids coming home, I can't wait to hear the excitement of the kids as they share about their fabulous Christmas journey.
I'm loving being more present. Maybe that is the Christmas Present that Dad gave us all!
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