I hate it.
The last two kiddo's have headed home. Dropping them at the airport caused me to cry. It always does. Probably because I never know for sure how long it will be until I get to spend time with them again. My boy is starting a new job next week, making travel plans difficult for both of us.
I try to console myself with the knowledge that what is meant to be will be and that we will make a visit happen at some point. I have been blessed to see my west coast babies twice in one year this year, who knows maybe next year will bring the same blessings.
While chatting with my youngest this morning as he played his new favorite game on the computer I was doodling in my planner for 2019. Starting to organize my thoughts, my plans.
I've determined that 2019 is going to be the year of less.
Like I said this rat race is wearing me out. There has been a lot in 2018 that has worn me out and made me feel off balance, out of sorts, not moving in a positive direction.
A couple of weeks ago I had someone tell me that I come from a long line of healers. I sort of laughed, especially when she said that I am a healer and I am not following my destiny. I truly believe I come from a long line of healers, how you define that depends on you and your beliefs. I don't doubt it runs deep and strong. In this generation many of my family are in the medical profession.
I believe that you can heal in different ways. It isn't always about physical healing. I will never work in the medical field. It is not my path. My belief system runs counter intuitive to that. Heck I don't even like being prescribed medications. Yet I believe strongly in healing.
I also believe that you cannot fill another's cup from an empty vessel.
2018 has emptied my vessel.
I've given pretty much all I personally have to give. My plans for 2019 are to heal myself. To refill my own reserves, so that I can continue to share. I am also at a point in my life, that I am finally ready to give myself permission to explore the things that I want to learn and grow from.
Other's opinions be damned.
I need to clear the clutter that surrounds me. Physically and mentally.
Hubs and I are always saying we need to clear out the garage, the storage room, etc. I haven't even set up my craft/sewing room. It's a room filled with stuff that doesn't even belong there, junk and clutter abound.
My sweet daughter must have felt my soul's needs before I did. Almost all of my Christmas presents from her are to make my room not only beautiful, but functional. Including the words that will go on the wall stating "The desire to create is one of the deepest longings of the soul". Those words are very true, particularly for me.
I don't know that I will start today, but I might, I want to clean out my room. I want to donate the stuff that I have "hoarded" for far too long. Years of living where the items needed for my projects were too hard to get or not having the money to get more supplies lead to the obsession. An obsession that I am ready to let go of. I want to clear out the chaos, I want to donate the items I've been saving for some day to people that might actually use them. I want to create a functional and cozy space.
Somewhere I can refill my bucket. A place to find the salve that will heal my broken parts.
Over the course of 2019 I intend to shed a lot of things. Not all of it will be physical possessions.
I've already started a bit of it on social media. I'm tired of the sinking feeling that we are all being manipulated on a daily basis. That others are pushing us with their beliefs and ideals and we are simply moving along based on whoever is yelling the loudest. I've deleted a lot of sites I used to follow. I've unfollowed friends that I find cause angst in my heart. I will never tell anyone how to think or feel, I grow weary of people saying and doing the same things they are criticizing others for. Name calling, bitterness and anger driven righteousness is not right no matter who or what you are shouting for.
I think things were much simpler and kinder back when the motto heard around the country was "live and let live". It's where I tend to exist. As long as your choices are not harming me or the ones I love, I will never challenge your rights to think, feel or act in a way that makes you happy. Each of us has the right and the responsibility to live our life to the fullest without harming another. So part of my healing is removing myself from those realms. It's not out of lack of love for others. It is purely self-preservation.
As 2018 draws to a close I'm choosing to take the painful lessons I have learned this year and use them to my advantage. I want to live a life full of love, cherishing time with family and friends, I am going to work on more balance and less stress.
I can't go back and change the past. I can't make the trips that I put aside because there will always be tomorrows. Guess what - there isn't always going to be tomorrow, a painful reality that was driven home this year.
I can go forward and take the lesson learned and grow from it. I choose growth! There is much to learn, there are trips to take, there are adventures to have, and many skills to hone.
I will also be finding more time for silence, sunlight and getting back to the very roots that make me strong. It's time to take chances and to live with abandon.
It's time... Anyone else planning a forward path this year?
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