perspective...

The entire world feels hazy, wet and green this morning.  I stood out on the front porch with the pups drinking my coffee, the rain was so steady that the road looked a bit like a river rushing towards the storm drain. Out back it's hard to take a picture because the green is almost overwhelming and beautiful.  The wind rustling the leaves is beautiful and refreshing.  Although the bouncing temperature is enough to make me crazy... today it is cold, sweatshirt weather, working on the lawn two days ago it was in the high 80's and I was hating life.  Yet, I love this time of year!

I usually do not react to the pollen from all of the oak trees surrounding us.  This year, my eyes and throat are in a permanent state of scratchy. I'm beyond thankful for the rain washing it all away.  It looks like the rain is going to fall for a couple of days, I am hoping it washes all of it away!

The silence that comes with the rain is so peaceful.  The stillness of the world is a blessing.  I know I've mentioned that I am finding so much peace in a slower life.  Ironically the slower and more peaceful life gets the more I find myself being forgetful and less connected to things.  

My poor Hubs had to listen to me frantically trying to find the dog collar I had just swapped out this morning.  I had walked a straight line from the sitting room to the kitchen with Beau's collar.  I had Belle's new one in my hand, but simply couldn't figure out where I put Beau's.  I was starting to think I'd finally lost my mind.  We are talking about 20 steps, retracing, looking, checking to see if I had actually walked the 10 additional steps to the laundry room and didn't realize it.  It was no where to be found. I was seriously starting to question myself at that point.  I was distracted by what Hubs was saying, not paying attention I guess, but had placed the old collar over my shoulder so that I had both hand free to work on Belle's sizing of her new collar.  After about 5 minutes of walking back and forth, questioning my ability to evidently be left at home and in charge of anything, I reached up to pull my hair back and found the collar. I guess I just found another way of getting additional steps in for the day. 

These kind of things happen a lot in my world these days.  I thought it was simply I'm getting older, but then I talk to folks significantly younger and they are experiencing the same thing.  It's highly annoying.  I question why it's happening, and then I realize I don't really care.  It's not like I forgot something important, who knows maybe my brain is at capacity for worthless, stupid information and refuses to store anymore until I clean up the mess.  Similar to the storage in my sewing room?

A friend commented that the world is heavy right now, in response to yesterday's post.  I was pondering that assessment while standing and watching the rain.  I couldn't help but feel it was perfect.  The world does feel heavy.  I find myself refusing to engage in anything that is heavy, divisive or ugly.  I'm finding I don't want to interact with things as silly as quilting groups, gardening groups, etc online because of the divisiveness. I can still love the people, the skills, the art, but my spirit wants nothing to do with the attempt at ugly. I won't support it in any manner. I find I can't. 

Maybe my assumption about devolving is inaccurate, maybe we are truly evolving.  Maybe when all of this heavy ugliness falls away we will truly be a cohesive family of people.  We will finally be able to celebrate our differences and revel in them.  I long for the days of having a conversation and not having to worry about the ugly waiting to creep in.  I long to spend hours talking with people that are coming together from different view points and just talking.  Striving to understand and learn.  In most cases it's only a matter of perspective. I'm tired of all the my way or the highway conversations.  

My picture 

Hubs picture, same moment in time, 
different perspective

We have friends that are from Pakistan, we've all been busy and had not spoken in a bit, we miss having them as neighbors. Thankfully by chance it happened that they were talking about missing us and we were talking about missing them and by happenstance we ran into the husband at Walmart of all places.  As we stood there speaking and catching up, hearing about his recent trip home to visit his family, about his parents whom we have met and adore, all of it was so welcome and wonderful.  In my head I could hear his sweet wife always saying "in our culture we do this or that".  It is never a demand for submission to their culture and way of life, so much as an education of how things are for them.  I cherish those kinds of moments.  Far too often nowadays people do not come or receive from that perspective.  I miss it. 

I grew up all over the world, dancing in and out of different cultures, learning, absorbing, experiencing.  I'm not sure what it would be like to go to some of those places today.  I have been blessed to observe and participate in so many cultural specific events, services, observances I was never once asked to forsake who I was to be part of those things. I was simply welcomed.  

I think, in today's world, we struggle to simply accept that we are all unique and different and wonderful.  I wish this rain could wash away some of that.  I don't want us all to become the same, I want us all to retain and respect what makes us unique.  

close up of a pot of chamomile
very hard to see in the large picture

As you can probably tell, my brain is struggling to break free from a lot of what the world feels like.  I want to live my simpler life, I want to step back.  I rarely turn on television, media, or anything of the sort.  I spend time learning and doing.  Chasing creative outlets of any kind.  Drawing people near me that want to play in those playgrounds. 

I don't want the other stuff near me. 

Yesterday my new friend (my pups new friend's momma) and I were talking about the jar of cowboy candy I'd given her.  I was giggling as she said she'd almost text me the night before with a "you bi%ch" text, as her mouth was on fire.  I had warned her it had fire, but that sweetness definitely hides it well. As we talked she mentioned that her daughter wants to learn to make jellies and the like.  I didn't hesitate for a second as I offered to teach her. She will be on break from college soon, we will find time to make it happen.

Let me share the old ways, let me create a village of like minded people.  Note I didn't say the same.  I want to be surrounded by a village, one were everyone brings perspective, skills and hope.  I probably belong in a commune somewhere, are those still a thing?  I know my village is more based in a homesteading, old-fashioned ways and values, thinking outside of the box, artistic, self-sufficient and probably a bit untrusting of anything governmental based.  But that doesn't mean I don't want to learn from everyone.

Yeah, my brain is in over drive, probably why I couldn't find that collar - who has room in their head for such trivial thoughts when sorting out all this other garbage. 

love and peace, b

but why?

Good morning!! I am in the process of rerouting my day.  So let's celebrate the good things!  There is so much negativity and pain going around.  It's starting to wear people down and it's really making me sad.  As I came downstairs this morning ready to start the day after a uneasy night I could hear Hubs in the basement.  He was definitely not in a happy place.  I stopped to see if there was any assistance I could offer, but as it was a purely technological issue, I quickly gave him a kiss, grabbed my coffee and headed back up to spend the morning with the pups.  

Over the course of a few hours and few people Hubs' mood has definitely gotten darker, even though he kept trying to right the ship.  I'm hoping when he gets home he will be his usual easy going self.  I understand his frustrations.  I truly do.  I'm a bit shocked at the folks causing them, not the usual suspects so to speak.  Which is what leads me to rerouting my day. 

What in the world is wrong with folks?  The grousing and the world owes me attitude is exhausting.  Some of the things I hear come out of people's mouths or worse in writing, blows my ever loving mind!!  I can imagine my parents bringing me up short if I had ever thought I was that important and irreplaceable. 

Newsflash... we are all replaceable.  In every aspect of our lives, with the exception of family, and even those dynamics are something that can be walked away from. Families break apart all the time for a multitude of reasons.  Do they still share blood, oh yeah, do they share a life, not always. 

Friendships, relationships, careers, schools, groups, committees, businesses, etc... the list is absolutely endless. We all can be replaced.  Which is why I am not understanding the way people are behaving lately. Or maybe they have always been this way and I had deep red, rose colored glasses on. 

maybe we should try tug o war?

If I get annoyed with how a business treats me, I go somewhere else.  If you are my friend and you start treating me in a way that is ugly and demeaning, well, our friendship is done. Same goes for any type of relationship.

When I am out in public and I listen to how people interact with fellow team members I am shocked.  I can tell you I have never told a boss or supervisor when I would work, who I would work with or what I would do.  Heck, I didn't even know those kinds of things could happen.  But they definitely do with alarming regularity. 

In my humble opinion, none of us is guaranteed anything in this world.  We need to be able to work together, to treat others with the same respect we ourselves want, and we definitely need to be able to communicate.  We need to have empathy for the struggles that others are dealing with, but at the same time be willing to either walk away (if the relationship isn't worth saving) or call someone out (if it is) when those struggles become the entire world they are living in. We all do it, some of just have those amazing people in our lives.  The ones that help us navigate what appears to be impossible.

I keep watching as more and more people become lost in this crazy, ugly space.  Demanding.  It's exactly like the years that I was a teacher in the 2 year old room.  I loved that age, they were busy discovering who they were and would become. I also hated that age, with an absolute passion.  When challenged they became rigid, unmovable, unwilling to try to understand another alternative might work better for them.  And they simply didn't have the words.  And when the words aren't there, the emotions and rage inside at being unable to verbalize their needs became downright torturous external behavior.  We've all heard about the terrible twos and even if you haven't experienced you can understand.  

I am fairly certain that all of us forever retain that rebellious 2 year old deep inside.  I think most of us manage to acknowledge that we have moments when we are unreasonable, we feel unable to verbalize our wants and needs in an appropriate manner, and we feel a little like the storm outside us is too big and it's affecting the inside us. Most of us still retain the ability to recognize that and to handle it like adults. We step away, we reflect, we get hold of our emotions before we speak. 

What I am watching from my quiet place is a world that is rapidly devolving into an out of control 2 year old playroom. Where half the kids got the toy everyone wanted and the adults stepped out to watch through one way glass.  There is yelling, pushing, shoving.  The experiment is escalating out of control, the inner 2 year old is winning. Name calling, tantrums, hair pulling, screaming, tears (lots of tears) and a whole lot of "mine, mine, mine".  And don't forget the ever present "NO!". 

When pushed into these scenarios with the inability to communicate appropriately, the wheels come off the bus. Are things like social media or media in general, causing this decline in the ability to acknowledge a situation without throwing yourself on the ground and having a tantrum?  I have no idea, but I long for a simpler time, a gentler time. 

Life is never going to be "fair".  There will always be have's, have not's and I don't cares.  There will always be those that life just flows for, there will always be strain and stress.  None of us will ever agree with another 100% on anything.  Even if it is a blood family member or the love of your life, your soul mate.  There will still be things that make you scratch your head, step back and go "huh?".  And it's okay. As Hubs always quotes "wouldn't it be a drag if we were all the same".

But throwing verbal tantrums, demeaning others, being disrespectful or rude.  Sorry, I firmly believe there is no place in this world for that kind of nonsense.   And when full grown men and women act like they are toddlers.  That is just exhausting.  When businesses refuse to hear and deal with customers in a helpful manner, even more exhausting. 

Dealing with that kind of negativity isn't helping anyone.  My parents taught me you get more flies with honey.  Now I do believe flies are very attracted to poop too, so that might not be a sound analogy, but the fact remains, if you want me to be on by your side, to be an ally and a supporter, then you'd better be bringing the honey.  It doesn't matter if we think the same, feel the same, have the same hopes, dreams or goals.  I will be beside you, as long as you are kind and willing to meet somewhere close to the middle.  Start threatening, demanding or acting like you are a 2 year old without the skills required to communicate and we are going to be done. 

Standing on the sidelines, observing all of this, it really makes me sad.  I feel for the fact that my sweet Hubs who would do anything for anyone (literally - he doesn't set the strong boundaries that I do) has anyone acting like that... well mind blown. People seriously need to revisit using internal filters before speaking, texting, emailing, etc.  "Is it true, is it necessary, is it kind", I believe that is the filter that Buddhist practitioners use. Maybe it would benefit us all?

I absorbed as much of his energy as I could this morning, hoping by being a safe space he would have a better day.  I knew it wasn't directed at me.  I knew he was feeling the effects of outside forces. I get it.  I wish I could put a blanket of protection around him, I wish a few other things, but I can't so I won't... 

As he left to deal with a world that is rapidly devolving, I decided it was time to refocus.  To change the trajectory of the moment.  I know rain is coming this afternoon, evidently lots of it.  My body is a bit weary from pushing so much the past few weeks, I do have a health issue that causes those kinds of pains to linger unfortunately.  But I still had outside chores to tackle, so... I did.  

Before the rain I got the obedient plants in the ground along the fence line, I am hopeful that the fact that they like to spread out will mean they will head down the steep hill to provide erosion control. And I planted the tall asters along the front of the lower deck.  I adore my neighbor on that side, but I am not fond of the lack of a physical barrier and the exposure while enjoying the time out back.  I am a person that likes privacy. When I invite you in, I cherish that time, the rest of the time, I might be a spoiled two year old that put myself in timeout. 

The lady I bought the plants from assured me that the Asters will grow to about 5 or 6 feet tall and they will also spread.  I am toying with adding more zinnia seeds in between while waiting for that to become the reality.  A little beauty mixed with a little privacy.  Seems like a win/win to me. 

how did it get under there?

Digging in the soil, marveling at the thick earthworms that are moving back into yard, breaking the large clumps of flowers so that they can expand and grow... all of these things slows the pace.  Calms the spirit, connects us to things that matter., grounds us. 

Hubs will be home in a few hours for lunch, hopefully he is able to calm the stressors that were causing his morning to go off the tracks.  For me, I am planning a calm rest of the day.  A chance for my weary, painful muscles to rest.  I will tackle the softer things on my list.  Let things ease up.  

Bring on the rain... I'm ready... 

love and peace, b

ordinary...

After a cold and dreary Sunday it was wonderful to wake up to clear skies.  Everywhere you turn there is vibrant color and that beautiful sense of rebirth.  I always say autumn is my favorite, but then spring arrives and I seriously question myself.  I cherish the awakening.  Don't get me wrong, I love winter, it just seems to go on a bit too long. Summer... well, summer is what it is.  I love it for the growth in my gardens, for the opportunities to spend time on the river with my grands and pups.  It's just so muggy and hot here in the Midwest. If it mother nature could just tone it down a bit... oh well... life is what it is and you have to take the good with the bad. 

We were blessed to have time individually with both of our grands and our girl this weekend.  It was so much fun.  That little one has impeccable timing and called for us to hang out just as we were heading to MADE to pick up her ceramics. Quick detour and we had the little in tow and a different plan for the afternoon.  Because when you are bringing her along, you simply cannot just pick something up.  You definitely need time to play and explore.  Which is exactly what we did.  We of course had to stop for her ice cream flight at her favorite spot. If you are local to St. Louis, we highly recommend the ice cream flight at The Fountain on Delmar, they have lots of grown up options also.

how to contain a dragon

pondering her pot

ceramic bowls by the dragon

One of the crafting opportunities was to make macrame hanging baskets, and one cannot make hanging baskets and forget to put flowers in them.  So a quick stop at Home Depot on the drive home and we were ready for her to plant. And of course we had to make a special one for mom, that would last longer. 

the treasure for Mom

My gifts from my girl

Grampa's gift

When we drove her home our girl took a break, she is in the process of changing her house, she is a complete whirlwind when that happens, so the hour with her was also priceless. 

We'd wanted to take our little dragon to the earth day celebration, but it was insanely packed and none of us had the emotional desire to put ourselves in that position.  Hubs and I headed out to go alone on Sunday morning, but heavy rain started just as it was about to start. 

We quickly switched our plans and ran other errands and such. I had gone to a local garden club pop up and decided to buy some perennials.  Lots of perennials.  Today will be a day of planting, or at least starting to. After surveying the grass that is coming up we determined we needed more seed.  We have a few areas where there is a combination of birds and washout, we are determined to have a pretty lawn where that tree used to live. I'll be heading out in a moment to do more patching to the green. 

The oldest grand sent me a text message to ask for a ride home from work.  It was awesome to pick her up with one of her favorite beverages in hand and sit in the car chatting for far too long!  It feels like forever since we've just talked.  I felt blessed in ways there are no words for. We talked about everything imaginable and then realized we'd killed the time between her getting off of work and heading back for a staff meeting.  Not a problem, we talked some more while we drove back to her work.  Hubs was napping and I rarely get time with just my girl.  I cannot tell you how much I have missed that. She and I used to spend many hours together, traveling and doing, just the two of us.  Then she grew up, darn it, they always do. 

Our boy sent us pictures out of the blue, I miss him something terrible, but he has his own life to live.  They look healthy and happy, a mom simply cannot ask for more. I might have memorize the pictures by now I've stared at them so long. 

Beau trying to guilt dad into more treats

Not sure why we won't move up his med time
he has decided it is "snack time" and he was ready

All in all... this weekend didn't go at all as we'd planned.  But we caught up with kiddos, ran into friends, did some errands, relaxed and enjoyed life.  I am not sure it can be much more perfect than that. 

Today is the day for catch up.  I am looking for the birthday gift request from the oldest.  It has to be perfect ya know (I love what she's asked for too!).  Doing my chores, gardening, cooking, finishing orders, basically I'm living my everyday, ordinary, amazing life!  

I hope this last Monday in April, brings you the start of the perfect week.  One that might have a few opportunities to switch it up and move forward.  I am starting to treasure those instances. 

love and peace, b

There was actually a blue bird visiting

the rain...

From where I am sitting I can see the sunlight desperately trying to shine through the clouds and light up the soft rain drenched green leaves.  It's one of the things I love about spring time. The softness of the colors and how quickly it all changes.  If you aren't paying attention it's summer before you enjoy the beauty. 

Even the sassafras tree is starting to bud out.  It's usually the last and when I looked over the deck down the hillside it is a sea of green.  Every year I think I am going to flood that area with wildflower seeds and every year I hesitate.  The deer use it as a pathway, how many of those seeds would stand a chance?  Besides that it is fairly steep and this fake knee is not fond of steep hillsides. The same thoughts came rushing back to me this morning, that it would be beautiful to see wildflowers blanketing the hill... Pretty sure this isn't the year either. 

The hazy green in the "straw field" is becoming bolder, I was even able to take a decent picture of it this morning.  I can definitely see spots that either washed away or became breakfast for the birds. This morning there were so many little birds out in the grass pulling at the worms the rain storm flushed to the surface. 

my little lilac bush is even growing 
look at that beautiful green

I was looking at all of the other spaces that we planted, the grass is finely starting to fill in the barren spots, the zinnia's and cosmos are starting to pop up like wildfires, the sunflowers haven't decided to make an appearance yet, although I definitely hope they do.  It's important to me to heal the ground, the sunflowers will do that. A bit later today, I think I will put out some additional grass seed, in the spaces where it looks washed away.  We have definitely had some heavy rains. 

zinnia's are popping up randomly, 
will have to clip grass by hand 

We aren't expecting it all to be perfect this year.  It would be nice, but not expected.  I truly despise applying chemicals and healing the land naturally takes time.  I'm good with things going slow. The "crunchy" me likes things to be natural. 

Has anyone noticed how strong the storms have been lately?  The pups woke me up fussing in the middle of the night.  It was silent out, so I was confused as to what was making them fussy.  Within moments of me getting them settled and resting the winds picked up and the rain started coming down so loudly.  It was a rushing sound like multiple trains rushing past in front of you.  The rain was so hard it almost sounded like it involved hail.  Has it always been this way?  Is it my imagination?  I'm not really sure, but it was enough to upset the pups, for them to want comfort before it even started.  

I guess we are simply moving into an earth cycle that has the stronger weather. 

Do you have days that feel like you have a million things you want to complete and you simply aren't sure where to start? That is definitely me today.  The garden needs tending, I want to spin more yarn, I have some paperwork that needs completed, a quilt that is calling my name.  Trying to decide between apples and yogurt drops for the freeze dryer.  And the ever present chores are waiting for my attention. Frankly, I want to curl up and take a nap.  I am feeling my sleep deficit hard.  Two nights of disrupted sleep this week feels like a month of Sundays. 

he is so judgy

I know that as soon as I give Beau his last meds for the morning, I will fix myself a cup of something hot, I'll decide tea or coffee in a few moments, and then I will start at the top of the list. I will probably load the freeze dryer, since both of the things I am considering have a long dry time (about 36 - 40 hours) and then I will tackle the paperwork.   It's the most important part of my list and needs top priority. 

I'm not sure we are expecting any further rain until tonight, so I can put off the garden for a short while.  Hopefully, by lunch all that is left to do is "play"... you know that means quilting or spinning or both. I am definitely not going to nap.  I want to sleep good tonight.  I need it. 

not happy dad took her spot
isn't it cute how they match?

Tomorrow we will probably make our first farmers market run of the year. The pups need a trip to St. Francois State Park.  It's one of their favorite places. I know it's probably too early for the market to have much in the way of produce, although I am sure they will have plants!  I am also hoping to go by Queeny Park tomorrow, they are having a plant sale from a local gardening group.  We'll see, there are only so many hours in the day.   

It just dawned on me that we are already coming up on the last weekend in April, not sure how that happened already, but here it is.  I guess what they say about time speeding up as you get older is true.  I couldn't believe my ears when my daughter told me the other day that the little one only had 4 weeks of school left this year.  What?  How? 

This time thing is crazy!

love and prayers, b

new growth...

As the sun was topping the trees this morning, I was heading down the back stairs.  I wished that my phone camera was better, I would have loved to have captured a picture of the soft green haze peeking through the layer of straw.  It was absolutely beautiful.  I was heading down to check on the newest Elderberry tree and give all three of them a dose of fertilizer from the banana skins I had put in water. I love this time of year.  As I peeked around the fence I see the start of the zinnias and if they survive the first few weeks with all the deer and bunnies that part of my fence line should be beautiful! 

Yesterday morning, as I struggled through the fog of a very sleepless night, I checked on the radishes and realized that many were ready to harvest.  There are more to harvest today. I'm getting ready to plant more seeds so that we hopefully have at least one more harvest before the heat of summer.  We snacked on them throughout the day, savoring the sharp crispness that only comes from a fresh harvest.  These are the days I long to be able to move into the country, have a few acres to plant and harvest from, the days that I day dream like crazy, until I snap out of it. Sharply realizing that I do not have the energy to keep up with a couple of acres, that keeping up with pups, Hubs and a few raised boxes is more than enough. 

We picked up our new elderberry tree.  I am so excited to have it!  It's huge compared to my first year's that I planted in the fall.  Well, actually it's huge in general.  I was standing by it this morning as I gave it the banana fertilizer and realized it is already taller than I am.  Admittedly, I'm kind of short at 5'3", but the other two don't come to my knee yet. This is such a fun experience! After doing a bit of research into the variety they gave us, as I am so excited it is an American variety, although it is not a short variety, so I do hope I picked a good spot for it. I can't wait for the beautiful flowers of summer and the dark berries of autumn.

Ranch variety - will stay short

Bob Gordon variety
fairly short huge berries

hard to see with the trees in the back -
my newest one
Sambucus canadensis

The joy of a pickup!  They gave us the largest one.

Today will be a bit of catch up, yesterday was pretty much a blur.  I worked on the goat milk yogurt, yup... that was a fail.  I'm not sure the milk was fresh enough.  Maybe if I make it the day I bring it home it would be different, but neither of us cared for the taste or consistency.  Which is okay, because we love the cows milk yogurt. A quick dash to the store and I started another batch last night.  Discovering that with the timing, this might just be perfect, by 9:30 this morning it will be ready to be refrigerated to cool before draining.  By dinner time, it will be jarred and in the fridge.  I am still learning to time the different things I am working on. 

The other day I was weary, my muscles take a while to recover from hard activities and I had been pushing hard.  I simply didn't feel like climbing stairs or pushing the lawn mower (guess that will happen today).  

I have been staring at my spinning wheel a lot lately.  I've been mourning the lack of use, the fear I had that I might never use it again.  Struggling to have the courage to risk it.  The last time I seriously used it was before my knee replacement, the pain was unbelievable.  There have been moments off and on over the past few years that I have pulled it out, oiled it and tried.  All that trial and error did was frustrate me and create a mess.  I wasn't able to get the rhythm back that would create beautiful yarn.  Instead the tension was off, I had yards of over spun singles that were wrapping haphazardly around everything. 

All of this caused sadness and anxiety.  I have baskets of beautiful roving that have waited patiently for their turn to become a soft yarn.  I didn't know when or if I would ever try again.  As the day warmed and the pups and I decided it was time to stay inside and shut things down, I pulled it out again. 

The dust that swirled around me, was epic.  I was Disney bound!  That is what happens when you have two dogs that love the outdoors and no grass to speak of. At any rate, I was determined to get the rhythm back. A few false starts later and I was lost in the process.  So much so that three hours slid past.  If it hadn't been for the ache forming in my legs from the constant motion I would have probably finished up that entire skein of yarn.  It will probably happen today, after I catch up and the temperatures warm to a level I don't want to play in I will lose myself in creativity. 

I am also thinking of painting a few barn quilts to perk up the bland exterior in the backyard.  Not huge, although one on the front of the house would bring me joy, I am fairly positive my neighbors would welcome it with the same joy they welcomed the skeleton across the street. I am considering a few that are about 2x2 to hang on the gates and along the fence line where I didn't plant flowers.  Just enough that we could enjoy the beauty when we sit out on the lower patio in the evenings. 

Who knows... by now you've probably figured out that I have bigger dreams, plans and hopes than I possibly have hours in the day. 

Well, the heat is sneaking in, the yogurt has transferred to the fridge, so I need to get busy. We're heading to the mid 80's today, and I despise being hot.  I am never going to be a summer girl.  Which is why I get up early to garden and such. 

I hope today is filled with new and wonderful things.  I pray that everyone is finding their paths forward in these interesting times. 

love and prayers, b

seasons in life...

I had planned a relaxing day, I'm a bit tired and sore from the shenanigans that I have been engaging in for the past few weeks.  I quickly discovered, that is simply not who I am.  Just as I carried the trays full of bananas downstairs to start the freeze dryer, I heard the instapot beep.  Alerting me that the newest trial of yogurt had finished the first step.  It reached the boiling point.  Now I wait while it cools enough to add culture and start the timer. Soon it will be Greek yogurt (I hope!).

After doing some research yesterday, I decided it was definitely time to try making yogurt with goats milk. I don't do well with cows milk, so I am definitely excited to try this.  Thankfully, the process of making yogurt helps with my intolerance of cows milk, so even if it's a fail, I definitely have a back up. We'll find out tomorrow how that goes. 

It's a gorgeous spring day today, hard to believe all of that massive rain even fell, except for how soft the ground is.  Thank goodness, because we definitely needed the rain.  We've been under such strong draught conditions for several years now.  Maybe this is our turning point.  I guess we'll see. I keep praying for it.  

This afternoon we get to pick up our newest Elderberry bush.  I'm so silly excited for this.  These are all the North American varieties, so they can actually be eaten raw if I wanted.  Mostly, I just use them to make elderberry syrup to prevent cold and flu and improve our health. But there definitely are other possibilities! I still need to work on getting mullein growing. But the elderberries are established. 

I'm not sure what kind of garden I am focusing on this year.  I feel strongly that I am going to focus on the pollinator treats this year.  I do not usually lean heavily into flowers or flowering plants.  A few here and there.  I usually have limited success with them.  Mainly due to our friendly deer and bunnies.  Just last night Hubs and I were admiring my lone surviving phlox, the one I posted a picture of yesterday.  It had put out even more flowers and looked lovely, albeit a tad lonely.  This morning, it's stem joined the rest of the phlox cemetery in the front beds. Our friends haven't tackled the bee balm that has sprouted and seem to be ignoring the two remaining rose bushes.  I'm not optimistic, one rose bush is already gone, and the roses haven't even considered blooming yet this year. 

I am also fairly positive I will plant beans.  I have no idea why, but I feel strongly about it. I don't have a burning desire to put out a lot of tomatoes.  Although I am pretty sure there will be one or two.  I mean who can have summer without tomatoes and basil? And I love to have a variety of jalapenos and spicy peppers,  I guess we'll see.  

That is my motto in this season of life.  

I guess we'll see. 

I'm feeling encouraged to tackle things that I've wanted to do, but haven't been brave enough to.  

A dear friend reached out to me this morning, I don't know if he realizes how very special he is to me.  We don't talk often, but the little bits here and there fill my heart.  He was letting me know he understood what I was writing about yesterday.  Reminding me to live in joy in this time and space. 

I have a very small pool of friends, I like it that way.  I am a slightly reclusive person.  I enjoy people, I truly do.  But I enjoy being in my own bubble too, it's how I recharge.  When I was forced to live a public facing life, I struggled.  I always felt like my personal batteries were always flashing "low battery, recharge now, less than 5% remaining".  I am not someone that can spend that many hours of my day facing outwards.  It left very little for me to expend on family, friends and life in general.

The more I learn about myself, the more comfortable I am in my own skin, my own life. My daughter mentioned something about "masking" last night at dinner.  I had to ponder it.  Ironically, when I was in a public facing world and struggling I would "joke" that I had to put my people mask on each morning. I hated new environments, large groups, anything that required me to put myself out there for public consumption. 

Consumption is how it felt.  I knew what was expected of me, I also knew I didn't feel able to be me. I march to a different drum beat than most folks I encountered in "the real world".  I always felt out of place.  

My sweet Hubs always refers to me as a hippie that doesn't do drugs.  I wasn't sure how to take that, ever, but I finally felt seen for me.  I am basically a down to earth hippie.  I don't belong in the modern world.  

I spy some vinca minor creeping
down the hillside

I love my world.  My happy place. Pushing 60 years old and I've finally reached the place I belong.  It feels strange, wonderful, weird and fulfilling all at the same time.  I've finally realized that instead of masking myself to fit into a mold I didn't want to be smushed into, it was perfectly okay to be me.  If people are not comfortable with who I am, they are welcome to see themselves out of my bubble.  I no longer strive to fit a mold I don't belong in. 

All of this would mean that I would find my tribe.  It means that I don't have to force myself to be someone that I am not, and that I am truly enough. 

I hear terms thrown around, some of which bits and pieces definitely fit into the definition of who I am. Trad wife, crunchy mom, hippie all of them have a bit of truth, none of them fully define me.  I am me.  I am finally allowed to be exactly who I am. 

I pray that each of you finds the other part of who you are.  Someone who accepts you as you are meant to be. That encourages your quirks and cherishes all that makes you whole.  

I pray that I am someone that does that.  I hope that I am even half as perfect for my sweet Hubs as he is for me.  I hope that the family and friends that I carefully hold close to my heart know that I see them, I love them and I am so very, very blessed to have them as part of my whole. 

I threw my mask away years ago.  If you are in my world, you are aware that I am quirky, strange and move to my own internal drumbeat.  I thank you for being in my world.

Belle sees you too! Any chance
you are hiding snacks?

It's time to get back to making yogurt and I believe it is a day for sewing, I have been focused on doing lately and I feel the creative part of my spirit is crying out for attention. 

Love and peace, b

transitions...

The title is rarely where I start.  Usually thoughts are simply fighting to spill out and somewhere in the midst of the typing and proof reading a title comes together for the jumbled mess. As I was finishing up the ironing this morning, lost deep in a sense of nothingness, my mind feeling strangely calm and uncluttered the word "transition" simply started to creep in.  

I kept hearing it over and over again.  Like I was being led to think about it.  Transition. Transition.

I continued working my way through the task, my mind started thinking it through.  I don't know if we realize how much of an absolute impact it has on everything.  We live our lives in a state of transition.  Moving from one thing to the next, almost like an assembly line. 

Although I am fairly certain it was the bigger transitions that are going on all around me that led my mind down the path it seemed determined to follow. 

I woke up to the news that the Pope had passed away while I slept.  I'm not Catholic, so this news doesn't have much weight on my day to day life.  I hope he receives the reward he has earned.  As I am not of that faith, it is vague to me the impact it has. Yet, it somehow seems like a large transition in a world that is already spinning out of control. 

The entire world is going through a period of massive transition.  Good or bad remains to be seen.  The immediate pulse from it all is chaotic and stressful.  But isn't all change?  This just happens to be on a global scale. 

On the global stage it seems there was an incredible wave of transitions this weekend.  Lots of deaths of leaders or top people in many countries and companies.  The same could be said with some major resignations.  Good or bad?  Again it remains to be seen. 

When I move my thoughts to a smaller more intimate space full of family, friends, and acquaintances the level of transitions is just as powerful, even if the circle the ripples impact is smaller.   There have been births, life altering illnesses, losses of careers, beginnings of new ones, relationships ending, relationships starting.  People are moving and starting different stages of their lives, others are contemplating it.  Young adults are stepping out on their own, while some are returning to the safety of their parents nests. 

All transitions seem to come with some degree of chaos, uncertainty, a bit of loss, a bit of hopefulness.  Sometimes those transitions are traumatic and sudden.  Sometimes they happen as smoothly as walking into the next room and starting another "thing". 

The truth seems that all of them have the potential to be good or tragic.  I can't help but feel our reaction to it is what forms the result. 

When my career ended, almost four years ago.  That was a major transition.  I was full of fear and doubt for years leading up to it.  Ultimately, it has led to such an amazing shift our lives.  Hubs and I are happier than ever, we have balance, peace and calm in our world.  So much that was missing, returned.  It actually returned ten fold.  At the time, I had doubts, fear, anger and so much mistrust. This side of the coin, I have absolutely nothing but pure gratitude.  I don't dwell in regrets, there is no ill will.  I guess there could have been. 

I felt the same way when my first marriage ended abruptly.  In fact looking back at my life's journey, there were many transitions that appeared to be horrible, life altering changes that I absolutely didn't or couldn't face or make on my own.  And then life did as it always does and made the u-turn for me.  I choose to believe that God redirected my path each time.  That is what my heart tells me.  He turned me away from self-destructive paths and put my feet on the one I needed to follow.  

Each time, the reward ended up being far greater than what was left behind.  And it wasn't that the path left behind was devastating, horrible, life threatening or any of those things.  It was simply not my path. I hold nothing but love and gratitude for the lessons learned on those paths.  For the people that were part of those journeys. 

I know that not everyone believes in God and that is okay.  Maybe you believe in the universe or a divine power (who knows maybe God is just the name we humans have assigned to that power), goodness knows I have no idea.  It is just how I choose to think.  But something is definitely driving all of these transitions, something is always trying to correct our path., to give us the lessons we need to learn.  At least that is my belief. 

I think the problems usually arise when we as mere mortal humans decide we know everything.  When our free will gets in the way of the flow we are part of.  When other humans decide to inflict their will on us, to push us a direction we are not meant to go.  

I don't know.  I'm not a philosopher, I have no background in theology (nor any desire to), I am merely a human trying to navigate this experience called life.  Sometimes it feels huge and unruly, sometimes calm and serene.  Most of the time it just feels like a bumpy dirt road.  The kind that kicks up dust and makes a minor mess in the process. 

The storms that blew threw last night were violent.  The rain coming down was heavy and harsh.  Pretty sure a lot of my seeds were washed away.  Those that weren't will be stronger for the lesson of surviving the storm.  They also felt affirming, like they were trying to wash away some of the ugly that is going on. 

Who knows.  I sure don't.  All I know is by typing this out, the word has quit echoing in my head.  Maybe there is a bread crumb or two in this ramble that someone needed.  Maybe I needed it? 

Since it's silenced and I feel a deep calm.  I guess it's time to get busy.  Dry my hair and dig into the things that bring me joy and peace....

love and prayers... b

a different kind of way...

When the kids were young, Easter was full of adventures and egg hunts.  These days it is simply a peaceful day, where welcome rest sneaks in.  Hubs has been watching old Charlton Heston movies, I am bouncing around doing a bit here, a bit there.  A nice break in the rain meant the pups got a walk and the little pup I was watching got an extra walk this morning too. 

Now it feels like a moment of simply waiting.  Not sure for what, not sure where to dig in and if I even want to do the things.  I don't sit still well, I get antsy and fidgety if I am simply sitting.  And then I get fussy.  It's completely internal, but sadly it can spill out and others feel I am frustrated with them.  I'm not.  I just feel at lost ends. 

I have some treats for the grands in the freeze dryer, I have a few more to finish before I get down to trying other things.  The only thing that I am finding frustrating with the freeze dryer is waiting.  I thought 90 minutes waiting for the canner was excruciating.  Some of this stuff will take over 40 hours in the freeze dryer.  Again, there is the patience thing.  Why do I keep choosing to do things that will force me to use patience?

Hubs and I sat outside with the pups for a few hours.  It was beautiful, breezy, overcast and mild.  We'd probably still be sitting there if the wind hadn't started to pick up so hard.  The non-stop updates on our phones interrupting the music was getting pretty annoying also.  Seems like we are under a tornado watch for the rest of the evening.  Isn't that special. 

how my mornings start... that's 106lbs 
that tackled me

I guess the wild, unsettled spring weather matches my mood and mindset.  I feel like that today.  Like I'm drifting.  I have so many things to tackle and I don't have the will to start anything.  And at the same time, I didn't feel like doing nothing.  Ugghhhh.... maybe I should've joined my pups for a late afternoon nap?

their happy place

The day is drawing to a close, my distraction has kept me from being very engaged in life today.  It's taken me most of the day to write a few short paragraphs, I've watched another storm front slide through. I am now wondering if the rain will wash away all of my grass and flower seeds, as tonight the rain is anything but soft and gentle.  There is a small river moving rapidly down the road towards the drain.  I just keep reminding myself that we need it. 

Well, I've got a few more things to do before Beau gets his last medication of the night, then I can finally lay my head down and rest.  

I hope you've had a blessed day.  Time with loved ones.  Time to be at peace. 

love and prayers, b

waiting...

This world feels like it is spinning out of control at an unprecedented rate. So many loved ones are going through so much.  The helpless feeling is almost overwhelming at times.  All I can do is say prayers and keep busy.  

If I stop the busy factor, the worry and stress creeps in.  None of it is within my sphere of influence, they are just parts of my heart, parts of my life.  I am finding myself slipping deeper into my quiet space.  A spot where I can function without losing grip myself. 

I have to say I'm beyond over people being ugly to others.  I'm tried of this weird entitled world that we somehow slipped into.  I'm not sure I really know how to function in such a place. 

Right now I am waiting on the freeze dryer to hit it's sweet spot and then I am getting back to being super busy on this rainy day. Hard to believe it was so beautiful yesterday at sunrise.

Do you have things you do when life is too big?  I find myself pulling inward.  I get quiet, I get lost in to do lists.  Things that are distracting and productive. 

I can't tackle the massive wood pile in the rain.  But that isn't stopping finding lots of things to tackle inside.  The rain is soft and gentle, while also being the kind that soaks the earth.  You can almost see the leaves unfurling in real time.  Each moment I look out it is a bit greener, soon I won't even be able to glimpse my girls house down the hill.  

I am struggling to determine what "busy" work I want to tackle today.   I have a t-shirt order that needs finished.  I also need to get that darn soap made, because we 100% are not going to go back to using the store bought chemical bars.  I'm still in the midst of working on Hubs' quilt and I just remembered that he committed me to putting together an auction basket for a veteran's fundraiser. 

I have regular daily chores to complete, ironing, dishes, mopping, ya know the things... So it isn't like I don't have things to do. It's simply a matter of pushing aside things and focusing. 

I am pup sitting for the lady down the street.  Her baby is sweet as can be, I'm getting ready to walk down and make sure all these storms are not causing her too much anxiety as my babies have decided to
lay down and rest finally.  Thunder storms are stressful for pups. 

Well sweet spot achieved (now we wait for a few hours), breakfast made for Hubs and pups, dishes finished... I guess I'd better get focused on the rest of that list, because watching for my grass seed to grow magically overnight, is probably a waste of time. 

Enjoy your day, I need to keep busy...

love and prayers... b

carry water...

Thirty minutes to fill.  Doesn't seem like much time.  In the grand scheme of things it isn't.  But when you are bone weary exhausted, it feels like days.  It's been an insane few days.  Full to the brim from wake up to putting my head on my pillow at night.  Seems like Friday was the last day that didn't involve non-stop work and things to do.  It is highly possible that it was crazy busy and I simply don't remember it. Not a huge stretch of the imagination at this point. 

Hubs and I managed to fill the weekend to over filling.  So many little things all add up.  Saturday we installed the freeze dryer and spent time with tech support making sure we had done all the things.  Then we went and picked up our camping fence.  We needed to be able to block the pups from the entire side of the yard for the foreseeable future.  

As we'd used up all the hours the compost lot was open we settled for just starting to migrate the dirt that had eroded down the hill since the tree was taken out back up to where it belonged. Little did either of us realize the undertaking ahead.  Both of us were about to get a reminder we are not in our 30's or even 40's anymore. 

that smile

7th heaven... only thing better
would be flying

Sunday started off bright and sunny.  Hubs was supposed to go for a flight in the Ford Tri-motor plane.  The same type that Lindy flew if I remember what he told me correctly.  That is his special birthday present.  We got up super early and headed to the Spirit of St. Louis airport.  Toting both pups with us, because of the timing of Beau's medication. With this being the mid-west we should have probably expected the weather to not cooperate.  And in true mid-west fashion, it didn't.  The winds were gusting well over 25 mph, there was no way that plane was taking off on Sunday.  We've reschedule it for May, although we will have to travel a bit further for him to fly.  

what's dad doing?

Of course he blinked 

The morning was not a total loss, he did get to spend a good amount of time inside the plane and checking out every inch of it.  And he was guaranteed to fly in the copilots seat when he does go up next month.  On top of all that we finally have the connections to get him a flight in a bi-plane.  Again, I am not about to go up with him in either, but I am happy that he will finally be able to do both.  Sometimes you do get to tick off things on your personal bucket list. 

Upon arriving home, we decided to tackle the hill.  Good Lord have mercy... that was a massive undertaking.  Our youngest grand spent her Sunday afternoon helping us move topsoil and compost from the back of the pickup to the hill.  It was exhausting and a touch overwhelming.  And a solid reminder that we are definitely not spring chickens.  It was so hot, but rain was coming in later in the week and we knew we wanted the seed and straw down before it hit. 

Reflecting on it as the evening sun started to set we realized we were going to need more dirt.  LOTS more.  By the time the afternoon sun was starting to head deep west yesterday I had unloaded another 2 cubic yards of dirt and dragged it down that hill.  We'd spread lime and grass seed and topped it with straw.  The fence was up and some of the sunflowers were planted.  

load #3

just a start... 

Today the rain was supposed to make an early arrival.  When it didn't I decided to plant the rest of the flower seeds. Three packs of different sunflowers, four packs of zinnias and a small package of cosmos later, we wait. If even a small portion survive our renegade deer, it will be lovely. If not... well lessons learned.  

On top of all that I have been learning my freeze dryer, making lots of treats requested by the grand daughters. Made another batch of yogurt, the youngest grand is in love with it and manages to devour a pint on her own each time she is here.  And of course the regular every day stuff.  I am exhausted, but in such a good way. 

gummy nerds and skittles

almost done drying

ice cream sandwiches anyone?

straining the yogurt

So many folks that are dear to my heart and such major parts of my life are going through struggles.  Big struggles.  I think I have been slightly internalizing those burdens and focusing on "chopping wood and carrying water" for them.  I can't fix any of it.  I can be there if and when they need me, but I simply have zero ability to right their ships.  I'm a bit of a fixer, so that is horribly difficult to process.  I want to be able to offer that magic cure, solution, relief.  I want to be able to make it all better and lighten their loads. 

As I can't, I am pushing myself to do what I can to create a safe zone, a space that is full and productive. As I sat on the steps tonight chatting to Hubs basking in the beauty of the setting sun I felt peace.  Surveying the product of my hard labor made the pain of my sore muscles seem small and distant. While we sat and chatted, my brain was already planning out my ideas for next week, for the space of time after the weekend of rain. The path that needs put in, the plantings that need to start happening...

The world is insane, things are moving so fast, twisting and turning.  A little left, a little right.  Nothing is the same from one day to the next. In this chaos that is swirling I am finding incredible peace and contentment in a full calendar and check boxes of tasks that are lined through with bright yellow highlighter as they are completed. 

mom, we want snacks

sunbathing time

mommy snuggles in a rare
quiet moment

I can continue to "chop wood and carry water".  It clears my spirit, my mind and the restlessness that helplessness causes for me.  I hope and pray that it gives me more in my own bucket so I can share with those I care for as they need it. 

Well, the final dose of meds have been delivered.  My chore list is cleared for the day and my incredibly weary and sore body is going to head up and see if the puppy that was curled up in my spot, might consider moving so I can rest. 

Remember, idle hands are definitely the devils playground... 

love and peace... b