So I am writing, but I will not be sharing it on Facebook. If you find it, you were meant to find it. It will remain as long as Google allows. I will write when I need to clear my head of the thoughts and chaos that is swirling. I'm enjoying not being on the book. I don't know if I will return, maybe someday. Who knows.
This morning I am enjoying this day of beautiful sunshine and colors, almost as much as I enjoyed the non-stop rain that fell yesterday. We desperately needed the kind of rain that fell, gentle, consistent and steady. With just enough breaks in between for our overly parched earth to drink it up.
I am heading to my sewing room as soon as I clear my head and heart. I have projects to work on. I have spent a bit of time in prayer already today, so I feel much more capable of engaging in life. I'm finding the more I pray the less I feel dragged into this horror show that we are living through. I feel a sense of calm that I need, I linger on the outer edges and watch from afar. God's words to be in this world, but not of it are the mantra that I have chosen to wave as my battle flag.
For too long I have tried to dance in the midst of it all, trying to keep peace and make others feel comforted and strong. I'm tired of that dance. It was never mine to take on. If you know me well, you know I am rather eclectic in most things. My choice of music, what I will watch or read, the activities that bring my soul joy... i don't really have a type. Or at least I've never fit into the traditional patterns that I have spent my life trying to merge into.
I've found myself throughout my life trying to be a chameleon. Always wanting to belong, but never quite fitting in. My round peg simply never found the perfect spot. So I adapted. Over the course of the past few years, I've found myself less and less willing to adapt. Never quite brave enough to be completely true to who I am, always afraid that I would offend someone or step on toes by thinking differently.
Afraid to lose the people that I had changed me in order to be friends. Our world has worked really hard at forcing people to pick sides, to divide and conquer, to damage the fibers of the mesh that makes us whole. I fell for it all.
As I am healing from that damage, and praying for all of us to heal, I am finding that I don't need those "friends", if they can't accept me for who I am, then I have no need to retain them in my life journey. I am learning that it is okay to be oneself.
I am a child of God, I believe deeply in God and Jesus, I am not however a religious person. Because far too many churches and religions are man made, they have excluded God. It took me a long time to identify what caused me to want to leave most churches that Hubs and I went to, to truly understand the discomfort I often felt while sitting in those pews.
As a result I have explored many avenues trying to affirm in this world my feelings and thoughts. Trying to conform to man's world, when I didn't need to, I needed only to listen with my heart. The answers have always been there. I've always known that I could talk to God whenever and however I needed to, I didn't need a building or doctrine to tell me how. It is why I find the peace I find while sitting in nature, in God's perfect "building". Is why I feel closest in those moments. Those moments are not touched by man.
I feel strongly that we are living through a period of time that is biblical. But not in a fluffy feel good kind of way. More like the way of Jericho, the great exodus, the ark, Sodom and Gomorrah. I also feel that we are each here for such a time as this. We are this time's Esther.
Esther 4:14Amplified Bible, Classic Edition14 For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance shall arise for the Jews from elsewhere, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows but that you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this and for this very occasion?
Our world, not even just our country, state or city, but the entire world is hurting. There is so much going on that is wrong on levels that are beyond compare. It all feels like it is intentional to hurt and cause pain and ultimately submission.
I kneel only to God, I am submissive only to God. For most of my life, I worked hard on blending in on doing what was expected by man. I silenced that inner voice that was trying so hard to get my attention and telling me to have faith.
I have a horrible memory. Downright full of holes, worse than baby Swiss cheese or a sea sponge. There are times I can remember an event or occasion in great detail, but that is rare. For someone that has such a horrid memory, I can remember things like my grandmother giving me a necklace that was a mustard seed inside a magnifying glass, and always telling me to simply have faith the size of that mustard seed, Matthew 17:20 for those of you that do not know the verse, and nothing will be impossible.
I can remember my life feeling like a shambles and being at the point of giving it all up, knowing that on my own I absolutely could not move forward. I remember clearly kneeling, in tears of frustration and doubt and praying to God. Begging him to step in and guide me through, to take my life and use it as he saw fit. That was in 2002. The worst and best year of my life.
I stopped trying to do it on my own. At least for a long while, I stopped forcing my will and let his will be done. Miracles happened. I was in a marriage that had ended, I was very ill, I was facing life in a city I didn't belong in and full of uncertainty and fear. In what felt like a moment in time I started living a life full of love, joy and happiness. Married to the man that feels like my other half, someone that cherish's me as I cherish him. There is no doubt, fear or anxiety.
I remember so many things that are of God. But things of man, nope. They are not there.
As I watch from the sidelines, I can clearly see things that are disturbing and beyond obvious. I mourn for the people that cannot see past the programming forced on us. The ones that are still and maybe always will live a life of fear. The ones that cannot or will not allow themselves to question all of the things before them that make absolutely zero sense. But they follow along, out of fear.
I have always felt that Satan wasn't real, I fell for the standard beliefs. At least not in the doctrine sense. Watching this world from the sidelines, I feel stronger than ever that Satan is alive and well and running this world of ours. When you step back, when you don't have a "horse in the race" so to speak, you realize that there are so many things happening, so much destruction, the fear and hatred are running rampant, the world is a hot mess. And people are simply too wrapped up in survival mode to see it.
I always joked that this world was hell and if we made it through, we were heaven bound. Sadly, I feel it is something similar. There is much in this world right now that is violent, obscene, against God, it is perverse and vile. It's being dressed up to appear to be for our own good, until you strip away the dressing.
Our children are being indoctrinated, they are being brain-washed. They are being poisoned when allowed to live. Our food is toxic, many countries do not allow food from the US into their stores. Look at a few labels. Ask yourself why man made food is so much cheaper than God made food.
Stop and ask yourself why women were removed from the home and put into the work force? Especially when their primary purpose biblically is to take care of the family. Raise the children up in the way of God. Where was the benefit in women as a whole joining the workforce? A greater income? For what? Ask yourself that question, seriously ask it! All the greater income did, was make prices go higher, so you needed more income. It provided more taxes. Money truly is the root of all evil.
With the advent of both parents working, children became susceptible to whatever the schools wanted to teach them. Take a look at what is being taught. Really look. Step back and look!! Even something as basic as math is no longer one plus one equals two. I remember as clear as day the moment they brought "math their way" into our elementary school. My son was in second grade, it was after the winter break. And it completely started the snowball rolling down hill where parents are no longer able to fully help their child with their homework. Because it makes absolutely zero sense.
The damage done in the past two years has been accelerated, on a level that is unreal. When the parents were removed from the home to work countless hours to provide more and more, the family started to break down. Kids became the proverbial idol hands are the devils playground. There is no one enforcing discipline, because they either aren't there or they are terrified of having their kids taken from them.
I can't say I enjoyed the discipline that I received as a child, but I will state 100% that I would have never dreamed of doing or saying anything like what kids do today. Have there always been children that are bull headed and difficult, yep. Has it ever been the majority of them? Nope. Is it now... take a look, watch them.
This week there was a shooting at a school that is around the corner from where I used to work. I dealt with those kids on a daily basis. Color me not surprised that there was a shooting, that lives were lost. The media is doing two things. Not covering it accurately and stirring the pot that the shooter died because he was black.
Sorry, I am absolutely not interested in that. The teacher that died was white, the school is predominately black and most of the kids go there because they have had issues with traditional schools, as is the case in most of the city. Those are some tough kids. Life has not been kind to them, they have not been raised and they have not been educated or disciplined. When they get into trouble, most of the time the parents response is what did you do to them that caused them to behave that way. Sorry, nope. What did you - as the parent, not do that caused that behavior.
I'm heartbroken for all of them. But it was a kettle that was brewing for far too long, it was going to happen eventually, and frankly I feel it was being pushed to happen. It's that way all around this country. The reality is the colors of the individuals don't matter. They could have been purple, orange, green... it doesn't freaking matter!! What matters is that a young man felt the world hopeless enough without anyone to turn to for advice and guidance and took a gun to his former school intent on killing someone. He killed a young woman and a teacher that was defending her students. Before being shot by the security (read secondary cops) detail assigned to the school, he later died at the hospital as a result of his actions.
Stop turning everything into a racial issue. Stop turning everything into something that is isn't. Ask yourself why a school needs to have armed security at all times. Ask yourself how big that school is, hint not huge, and why they needed at least 7 armed security on staff. That alone should give you a greater clue as to what is going on. That alone should open your eyes that the real problems are of the soul and not of the skin.
I am angry. I'm tired of watching what is happening in our homes, schools, neighborhoods all for the sake of destroying the human race. We are humans, we are made in God's very image. God didn't separate us, he wants us whole and together in peace. Evil people, with money and power as their driving force are the ones doing this.
If you take the time to open your eyes, you will be amazed at what you actually see. If you remove the programming, if you look at it all.... Take off your blinders. Bow your head in prayer. Read your Bible - and try to find a non-super edited version - an old one. Everything is being manipulated, the goal is the same as it was back in the pharaohs day - free labor to enrich the self appointed leaders of this world. They will destroy as many humans as they need to reach their goals. We do not matter to them.
We matter to God, we are his children. And just like any good parent, he has had to let us grow, he has had to let us learn our lessons. No matter how hard it is.
The seasons are changing. If you found this, maybe you were meant to. I felt powerfully moved to write it, my heart has been super heavy with it for a few days now. I am accepting that I am a round peg for a reason, I am no longer trying to change who I am for anyone else's comfort. God made me the way he wanted and needed me to be.
I have faith that God is in control and that when we chose to be in this world, but not of it as he's asked we will be able to weather any storms Satan and his minions have for us. Step back, walk away for a while, pray... God has this....
love, prayer and peace...
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