how does it grow...

This morning as I sat in the coolness of the garden with the pups around 430 am, I started to idly scrolling through social media, basically hoping to stay just awake enough for them to take care of business, but not so awake that I wouldn't fall back asleep.  

The first thing that popped up for me was a verse from the bible.  Ironically, it was not on a page noted for being "religious", more so for being holistic medicine.  I feel I was meant to see it, because this particular page hadn't been showing up for me lately... you know algorithms and such. 

It was 2 Timothy 4:3. "For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching.  But having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions.  And will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths." Those words were written around 2000 years ago, give or take a couple of hundred.  Yet reading them this morning it was as if it was describing our world today.  Are we living in that coming time?

One of the pastors that I listen to almost daily often says the Bible is a living document and the reason we should spend time reading it is because of the revelation knowledge that will come to us. She says that we can read a verse many times and then one day that verse will make complete sense. 

Our pastor that renewed our vows for us last night often says the same thing basically.  And even last night as he shared 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and it's deeper meaning with us.  I felt the same resonance. So many fail to realize the deeper meaning and to steal his words use it as a Hallmark card moment.  It isn't a Hallmark card, it is the deeper love that can only come when you invite Jesus into each moment. 

The words are living.  The words are there. 

This morning as Hubs and I sat and enjoyed our coffee and puppies in our normal morning routine we talked about how special our renewal ceremony was to both of us.  In truth, I did not feel strongly one way or the other about the renewal.  I'd promised to love, honor and cherish him 20 years before, I didn't realize the impact renewing the action would have on my heart. 

This morning, I am very thankful that it was the one thing Hubs truly wanted to do.  How many of us married folk flippantly say "of course I'd marry you again" and of course you truly mean it. But do you realize the power of it?   I can't say that I really did.  

It was only 30 minutes total of our life, nothing much really, if you look at it like that.  But standing there in the stillness of the darkened sanctuary, with just us and our pastors surrounded by the love and blessing of our heavenly father... it was so powerful, so affirming, so renewing.  There aren't really words to encompass it, the description fails me. 

that smile though!

I know I had tears running down my cheeks as we shared our hearts, prayed for the strength and love in our marriage and that of others, we both giggled a bit when our pastor reminded us to answer in the affirmative (if not it was going to get really weird to quote PK), Hubs later shared that his knees were shaking a bit through the ceremony, and through it all we felt blessed. 

We finished the day enjoying a wonderful dinner at one of Hubs' favorite restaurants with the girl and her precious daughters, so perfect since she was unable to be at our first wedding. She believes, as do we, that time spent with family is far more important than any gifts that can be given. 

Today officially starts the first full day of our next 20 years, and Hubs is already making plans for our next renewal. 

Marriage takes work. 

Hubs and I were talking about that this morning.  It isn't so much work like manual labor, but for some I guess it could be. As I was caring for the garden this morning after he left for work, it occurred to me that caring for a marriage is a lot like caring for my garden.  

You have to constantly evaluate things, prune away and discard diseased or damaged branches.  Those simply suck the life out of the plant and it will cease to be fruitful.  If either of you have inadvertently hurt or damaged the marriage, it needs to be dealt with then tossed in the compost pile.  It doesn't mean it wasn't there, it simply means that it doesn't need to stay there forever and rot the entire thing.  Besides once it is addressed and tossed in the compost pile, several things happen the compost pile decomposes it and it becomes a rich nutrient filled soil so that the garden can continue to thrive for years to come. And the plant heals, grows stronger because the damage has been removed, it thrives and is more fruitful than ever. 

You also have to weed it, removing things that do not belong.  I pulled the start of a small tree out of the middle of pepper plant this morning.  It was deeply buried beneath the foliage and if I hadn't been harvesting I would have missed it. As it was it was already about 3 inches tall.  If I had left it, it would have eventually killed the pepper plant.  I might have had a tree of some kind, but I am growing peppers. A marriage isn't really all that different. There are things that pop up, that aren't exactly bad on their own, and in the correct environment, but they sure don't belong in the middle of your marriage. Well, let me amend that... Jesus belongs in the middle, just like the frame that holds up those heavily laden fruit filled branches. 

It takes commitment.  Every morning I water my garden, unless it's raining and then I take time to thank God for the extra hand in the garden.  How often do we not take time to water our marriages daily.  My sweet Hubs has been making my coffee every morning for over twenty years, well he's missed maybe .01% of the days... shoot probably less than that. I told him when we were first dating that the Bible says men should make the coffee (Hebrews - duh - oh yeah I'm a brat), he definitely took it to heart.  It's probably the littlest thing in the world, but to me it screams I love you. 

If I fail to nourish the garden it ceases to produce and goes into full blown survival mode.  Wilting, yellowing, dying.  I grow my garden in planters, the only nutrients they get come from me.  When I get wrapped up in other things I sometimes forget to feed them and I quickly notice. A marriage or relationship of any kind is the same way.  We are all kind of like pots, if we aren't given external nourishment, we falter and fail.  

It also means a lot less of self. How many times are we tempted to put our own lives, desires, hobbies, goals etc ahead of our husbands or wives?  All of us fall to that, again we are human after all.  Sometimes that movie, sewing project, work project gets us all wrapped up, we lose track of time, we fail to do what we promised.  Not out of meanness or neglect, we don't intend to ignore, but sometimes we do.  It takes work to return our focus to where it needs to be. If I ignore my garden and fail to give it the proper attention, it rapidly becomes out of control, weed filled and in this heat wilted and dying. Time has to be made to take care of it. 

Our marriage isn't perfect, we are imperfect human beings.  Sometimes we fail one another.  Sometimes we cause pain, even when we don't mean to. Both of us pray over the other and we have always invited God into the middle of everything, even when we might not have admitted it to each other. 

I'm thankful for our life.  I cherish our love.  Over two decades ago God led me to my dear sweet Hubs, I am going to continue to lean into God to continue to be the best wife and life partner that I can be.  I'm looking forward to the rest of this incredible story. 

a kiss to build a dream on...

I guess I never bounced back to 2 Timothy... somehow I got lost in remembering the beauty of yesterday. It's definitely a verse that I am going to be spending more time exploring and striving to "learn" from. 

For now... I am going to wrap this one up and get ready to go to the dentist... ugghhh.... 

love and prayers... b

time flies...

Twenty years... Some moments it feels like an instant, others time feels like it is eternal.  What a joy it has been.  About this time twenty years ago, I was getting ready to get up on a horse for the first time in my life.  Actually I was questioning my sanity.  Not about getting married, nope that was the one thing I was positive about.  But that horse thing... what was I thinking?  I'd never ridden one, wasn't in the best of health and here I decided I could just saddle up and away we'd go.

Twenty years ago it seemed like every one and their brother had a "warning" or a negative thought concerning our marriage.  We could not seem to please anyone and finally reached a point that we were simply going to please ourselves.  

Not every one could be there.  We missed them.  Even as we realized that their life choices were theirs and we could not keep rearranging our life around others. There were moments that it felt like we were having to make a deal with the devil just to have the youngest kids with us.  

We decided against a church wedding.  We'd both been married before, no sense in that, it seemed over the top and so very expensive.  As we thought and searched for the perfect place for us the Dinner Bell Ranch appeared. The memories of that trip and those moments are so clear, even though the number of pictures is so small.  Digital camera's were new, the photographer didn't mean to erase them all.  Thankfully, we have a few small ones.  Although, I don't need pictures to remember it at all. 

At the top of the ridge, overlooking the valley, terrified of getting off my horse for fear I would not get back on we exchanged our vows.  With the family that was able to make it, in the midst of nature we pledged our love and lives to one another.  

The ride up and down the hill terrified me.  I mean, I knew I was marrying an accomplished rider, I didn't realize that I would be holding on for dear life (at least in my mind that is how it felt) with my in season horse following his horse's every move. Mr. Smarty Pants loving being in the saddle again was not exactly sticking straight to the trail. When we finally returned to the bottom I wanted nothing more than to possibly kiss the ground.  It's been twenty years and I haven't gotten on a horse again.  I'm good. 

What an amazing journey it has been.  We've dealt with some harsh blows, always leaning into our love and our faith to see us through.  We've had adventures and chased dreams.  Always side by side.  We've faced tragedy, joy, births and deaths, we've faced the sickness and in health thing several times, through it all we've been holding hands and keeping one another's hearts safe from harm. 

All those naysayers... well, they sure got it wrong.  Yep, we are as different as night and day and yet we are also the same in many, many ways.  He's far more outgoing than I am.  He has a wicked sense of humor and never fails to remind me of it.  He's the hopeless romantic, never ceasing to surprise me.  He is the dreamer.  I'm the pragmatic one.  Happiest in my tiny circle.  I have been accused of having no sense of humor, yet somehow I still manage to make him laugh at the darnedest times.  I live in the now, feet firmly to the ground.  And when I do actually do something romantic, I've been known to make tears run down his cheek (shhhh... don't tell him I told you that).

I rarely do things without my sweet Hubs, he rarely does them without me.  We are two halves of a whole and we truly love being together.  It works for us.  Sure we have moments we get frustrated or fired up, I mean we are human.  Whenever he says he wishes he'd married me decades ago, I gently remind him we wouldn't have made it if that had happened.  

We both had to grow into the people that we became.  We both had rough edges to smooth and obstacles to face.  God knew when the time was right, because he's guided our steps and led us to where we are.  For everyone that said I wasn't his type... so true.  I wasn't that type.  Thank goodness, because I ended up being THE type.  

This afternoon, in a very private ceremony we will renew our vows.  This time it will be in a physical church, just us, our pastors and in the presence of God.  We will celebrate stepping into our next twenty years. 

I am so very blessed.  I married my own knight in shining armor, someone that protects me, provides for me, doesn't try to change me.  Someone that accepts the quirky, strange, flawed human that I am and loves me unconditionally.  I might not be a knight in shining armor, but I assure you I love, cherish, protect, honor and care for him just as strongly!  Although I still struggle with the obey part. 

I love this wonderful, silly, romantic man with all of my heart.  More today than I did twenty years ago, if that is possible.  Giggles, laughs, adventures, bumps and bruises all of it rolls up to make this an amazing life!  I mean who else is gifted black and blue toilet paper for their 20th wedding anniversary?  I mean besides this girl!

There will be no horses tonight.  We spent the morning in nature playing with our pups in a stream.  That is the closest we will get to recreating our wedding.  

There is a line from a country song that has always resonated for both of us, "God bless the broken road that led me straight to you". Both of us had traveled journeys to get to where we are, those journey's left wounds that neither of us expected to ever heal.  Now twenty years later, they are simply minor faded scars that do not have the ability to harm us, we have each other, the rest simply doesn't matter.

Thank you God for guiding me to him.  Thank you for your blessings... 

love and prayers... B

Give us this day...

It's so quiet in the house this morning.  Sweet Hubs had to be to work basically in the middle of the night.  There is a big project starting today, having been in the same line of work, I completely understand the insanity of the hours sometimes. It isn't an everyday occurrence, but there are times.  This month has had a lot of those times.  Mostly caused by the insane weather we have had this month.  It's been crazy.  Today is just a normal big project. 

I have been puttering in the silence taking care of my chores for the day.  That way I won't feel guilty when I head into one of the craft spaces.  I feel like today is going to be wrapped up in the sewing room.  I am not all together sure what inspired me to sign up for a craft show, when I have very little inventory made up... oh well, it's a done deal now, so time to hustle.  

Add that to it's harvest season and I am seriously questioning my own sanity.  This years' garden has been so very bountiful, that I cannot seem to keep up.  What an incredible challenge to have.  As I walk around harvesting and watering I thank God for such blessings.  I mean today alone our meals will contain roasted potatoes and peppers from the garden and steamed green beans.  There will also be salads of fresh tomatoes and cucumbers that are multiplying at a rate that seems impossible. 

Yup... that's a cuke I missed... Not sure what
to do with that...

Yesterday alone I harvested 8 cayenne peppers that are dehydrating as I type.  The beautiful plants are covered with peppers and each day yields more and more.  We use a lot of red pepper in our cooking, so who could possibly complain about something like that? A bit later today I will harvest a few more of the chamomile buds and also some white clover buds.  I am dehydrating those for a variety of purposes.  They make a wonderful cup of tea or I can put them in tinctures and oils for medicinal use. I haven't really started drying the herbs yet, although I really need to get organized.  And it's time to start planning and planting the fall garden. 

Yep... I might have been a touch crazy.  

The reason that I chose the name Waste Knot, Want Knot is because of the fact that I want the entire focus to be on upcycling, reusing, repurposing and using up what I already have, bits, pieces, scraps of this or that.  

Our great grandmothers and grandfathers survived several times in our country's history that were not bountiful or plentiful.  In fact the great depression destroyed many, it also brought forth some incredibly strong and creative people.  Ones that were able to not only survive, but thrive.  If you are here today, you probably have a healthy dose of that strength and ingenuity.  

Not all of us use that part of ourselves.  We've allowed society to create newer and better (that part is seriously questionable) things.  All in the name of making our lives easier. I'm not so sure it's made life easier.  In fact I would propose that it has made us slaves to a commercial system, one where we trade bits and pieces of our very souls in exchange for the next great thing.  

For years I have written about my own struggles with work/life balance.  Oddly, I work harder now than I ever did for someone else.  But the balance is 100% about living my best life. As that has evolved for me over the past two plus years I am even more inclined to think like my ancestors did.  

I don't know all of my family tree, but the parts I do know tell a story of strong people.  People that were survivors.  Some of the areas they settled in give new meaning to the phrase "dirt poor".  Then I follow those family lines, I realize that not only did they survive, they thrived and flourished.

Use it up, use it out, make it do or do without.  For years I have said that verse here in this blog as well as a personal mantra. Hubs and I are often tinkering on this or that, finding solutions that we didn't even know we had.  Now that I have the time, energy and my health has returned and is balanced I find myself being drawn more and more into using my imagination and skills.  There aren't really enough hours in the day for everything I dream of doing, probably some of the reason that my sleep has been spotty and disrupted.  

back of cherries

first one from old doily and feedsacks

Kitty embroidery and feedsacks

backing of kitty from practice quilting

Once I finally have enough inventory, I will figure out the next steps.  I'm focusing on having faith in the path that God is leading me down.  There are many sustainable solutions using the resources we already have available to us. Why do we feel compelled to buy new when something that already exists is heading for a landfill?

I just finished the third kid's jacket/vest that I upcycled, I enjoy stitching on them so much.  Especially during the evening hours sitting with Hubs and unwinding.  I am not someone that can sit still.  My hands just need to be engaged.  I might have been told too many times as a child that "idle hands are the devil's playground".  Who knows. What I do know is that when I am not busy doing something, I feel ill at ease and restless.  I'd rather feed that beast than deal with those feelings.  If you are ever at my house you will find many odds and ends that fill nooks and crannies, so that no matter where I find myself, I am always in a space of being able to be busy. 

Waste Knot, Want Knot will not have a common style to what you will find.  Sort of.  What it will have is an assortment of useful items created from things bound for waste.  This will cater to my need to change things up, I get bored doing the same things over and over, and also allow me to work with whatever I have acquired and have thought of a new use for.  Today might very well involve some old fan blades, the sewing room and I have a few projects for the crafting room as well.  I also have a few things that need to happen with my precious long arm.  See... I am coming up with far more than I have hours of the day to fill.  Such a beautiful gift to have. 

Well, I'd love to chat about my hopes and dreams for where all of this is going, the plan for it's future and all of that good stuff... but the clock is ticking today and I have a few more minor things to take care of before I can get busy.  I plan to take tomorrow off completely and spend it with my dear sweet Hubs and our pups.  We've had several ideas but we really aren't sure which path we will follow.  I mean, for us it is such a special day... 20 years... be still my heart.  

love and prayers...

still...

Hubs' brought me my coffee and woke me up to see the strange color of the sky this morning, we were both a bit stunned.  Before sunrise the entire sky was filled with an eerie orange glow, the sun is not up enough at 5 am usually to affect the sky like that. I tried to get a picture, but nothing would capture it. It was dense and so very orange, looked like you could reach out and touch it. 

Even though it was eerie it was oddly calming and peaceful too.  The Lou had rolling thunder for most of the night and both of us had struggled with sleep. All night I could hear my grandpa's voice, telling me not to fear the thunder, it was simply the angels bowling. If that is the case, it was definitely a tournament of sorts. 

It's been crazy quiet these past few hours.  I was out in the garden in between rain bursts, just like I do every morning.  I was pruning, harvesting, praying not necessarily in that order.  The time I spend in my garden fills my heart, it's my quiet time with the Lord.  Normally the air is filled to capacity with birds, squirrels, the various critters waking up to face the day.  I just heard the first bird song a short bit ago.  And it was a solo voice. No responding tweet happened.  It's strange. 

Maybe they heard Sunday's message.  Maybe? Psalms 46:10.  Be still, and know that I am God. I know I am listening.  Oddly enough two of the pastors that listen to had that message in the past week. Seems pretty relevant in the times we are living in. 

I spent some time out there in the silence, picking tomatoes, trying to decide if I want to harvest the peppers or give them a bit more time to grow, pondering if I was feeling sturdy enough to walk down in the mud to harvest green beans and accepting the fact that the yard was not going to get mowed today.  All the while thinking, feeling his presence.  

Many times throughout my life I have turned into myself.  Not choosing to hear that quiet stillness.  Thinking that I knew better how to move forward with my life.  I always reflect on those arrogant moments and feel very humbled.  Each time, God brought me to my knees, as any good parent would.  And as soon as I turned back to him, the struggle, the challenge, the rough spot disappeared. I am striving to be a more dutiful daughter, to listen with my heart.  To be still.  

I was allowing this crazy mixed up world to seriously affect me. The more I give in to being still, the more calm I have become. The strange orange silence this morning felt like an affirmation that I am on the right path. 

After a wonderful dinner with new friends from church on Monday night, I spent most of yesterday catching up on podcasts and doing needlework after I finished my morning chores.  Today will be likely more of the same.  I am addicted to embroidery work right now and working on several youth projects for the craft show in September.  I am not finished with this little vest, but I am quite thrilled with how it is turning out. 

make a wish

I also have some projects to work on in my studio, I am seriously trying to vary my projects.  Now that I have full use of my thumb again (FYI - frankincense oil is such a blessing) I don't want to do mess it up again.  Almost six months of healing was enough to remind me to not push it. I was hoping to get some soaps made, but the weather is far too damp for that, it will take forever to set up.  

larger one I am working on

The next few months will be busy and fruitful. Very much so.  If I could simply get my head to slow down with new ideas.  It is definitely going faster than my fingers can keep up with. Hubs' thought yesterday's project would take me longer than it did, unfortunately not everything can take me a full day or I will have a very sad booth at Kinmundy.

Well... the sun is finally breaking through the deep heavy blanket of clouds, I am starting to hear more bird songs, so I guess that is my cue to get busy with the day.  Anyone else jumping in?  

Make today count.  But please remember to be still, if only for a few precious moments, be still...

love and prayers

what is going on?

Folks... I am not sure what is going on.  It is well known that I don't join things, I stay very much to myself, I have long since stopped volunteering and I definitely don't entertain.  None of those things describes me in the least.  Since I've become a homemaker, I am usually quite content to live in my quiet, peaceful bubble and let the chaos of the world drift past. 

I rarely find myself even seeking out others, much less agreeing to lead groups.  What is going on? Am I losing my mind?  I mean seriously in the past two weeks I have agreed to do things that are completely on the outside of my comfort zone and I've done so with a grateful and joyous heart. 

I am finding myself looking forward to these opportunities.  Heck, I even suggested to Hubs that we have friends over for dinner tonight.  Quick, someone needs to get a thermometer, I must have a fever or something.  He is the outgoing, social human in this family.  I am not. Yet, here I am filling out our calendar with social events, volunteering for church events, signing us up to vend at craft shows.  What in the blazes is going on?  

On Sunday our pastor led an incredible prayer for married couples.  It was exactly what my heart needed in that moment.  Hubs and I are sneaking up on our 20th anniversary.  If you know the back stories, you know that many said we would never get there.  We knew otherwise and those naysayers will definitely have to eat their words. 

My best friend, my heart ❤

We've toyed with many different ways to celebrate it.  Hubs would like something far more social than I want (again remember I am not the outgoing one in the family).  I think we have come to a happy medium, something that fills both of our hearts.  The journey to this special place in time has had a few lumps, bumps and bruises.  Nothing that prayer and faith couldn't smooth out and heal.  

As pastor led this prayer, I found tears of pure happiness trying to sneak out of my eyes.  I am blessed, I know I am blessed and to have that special moment unexpectedly at time, is indescribable.  I know I keep saying this, maybe I am a broken record.  I feel strongly that God led me to our church, in the same way that I feel God brought me to Hubs.  Each time I have said "I can't", God has said "I can".  

I am finding such an amazing and diverse group of friendships in our church family.  People that I not only want to be around, but will find ways to be around.  I am finding inspiration that carries me through the week, I want to read deeper, I want to understand the message. I find myself trying to remember the praise worship songs and humming them throughout the week. I look forward to being a part of something far greater than myself and my quiet bubble. 

Saturday will find me not only volunteering to help at VBS, but heading up a group.  Things that I walked away from a really long time ago.  Instead of anxiety, I am looking forward to it.  I admit, I'm thankful it is only a day, dipping my toe in is more my style than jumping into the deep end of the pool. 

I guess I am being guided to step out of my bubble.  It's all sort of strange and energizing at the same time. But right now, I am being guided to the pet store to pick up the puppies order.  Mom was slacking and there is a strong need for treats. 

Time to pick up the treats and of course people food for dinner... much love and prayers...

I did a thing...

Gross.  That is the word for today.  Gross.  I always swore I would never live in the mid-west for a reason.  That reason is humidity. I loathe humidity.  I despise feeling like my clothing will be perpetually damp.  My hair becomes uncontrollable, hello ponytails. I can't stand opening the door and feeling like you are trying to breathe in a heavy deep mist.  

Sadly, the humidity has decided to return the past few days.  I am sitting here trying to catch my breath, my glasses are foggy from the dampness of my skin, and I am contemplating shaving my head.  These are not my favorite days.  

Well, frankly other than my gardens, summer is simply not my favorite season.  In the least. 

All the chaos and rains of the early week put me behind on my outdoor tasks.  Meaning that darn grass that we have been nurturing since having to take down our tree had an extra 3 days of rain and sunshine mix.  Meaning not only was it horrible to mow because of the humidity keeping it damp, it's grown probably a good inch higher in those few days.  My thirty minutes of yard work rapidly expanded to more than an hour.  Granted it was only 78°, completely in my comfort range, until you factor in humidity. 

Okay... completely done whining about humidity... maybe... I am fairly positive today is going to be a completely inside kind of day.  Actually, I know it is. I have a bushel of tomatoes waiting to be canned and tons of inside projects to get busy on. 

feel ya mom... 

So about getting busy... I did a thing yesterday.  I officially committed to Waste Knot, Want Knot and signed up for my first ever two day event.  Thankfully, I have almost two months, because to say I am not ready is a massive understatement.  In fact I have nothing made. 

I have decided to build this dream on a premise of upcycling, repurposing and finishing treasures that got abandoned along the way.  Every time I wander through antique stores and flea markets I am drawn to those items that someone put many hours into.  Those old quilts and quilt blocks, the unfinished and abandoned.  I treasure finding beautiful needlework that has been damaged or worn.  My brain immediately shifts into high gear, I want to salvage that for the original makers memory.  I want it to be useful and functional once more. 

Mom is wearing us out... she's crazy

When I see the remains of our consumer driven society, I always want to explore ways to find more uses for all of it. Tatter clothing?  Okay. Picture frames?  Old trays and furniture?  Old ceiling fan blades? Sure why not? The entire premise is that everything can be made into something beautiful and useful again and again.  You just have to look past the lumps, the bumps, the things of the past and change it into something new and give it a life again (hmmm... sounds familiar).

If you've read my blog for awhile (first off... serious kudos to you) you know that I flit.  I am worse than a bird looking for worms.  I don't have one medium that is a deep burning all consuming passion, I have many.  And I bounce between them.  If you come to my house, you will see that most of the furnishings are upcycled thrift store finds.  Shoot some of it is from Hubs' dumpster dives as he puts it. 

For a few weeks now I've felt an overwhelming need to dive in.  I mean the name popped in my head while I was blow drying my hair and definitely not thinking about working on anything, well... except straightening out my hair against the humidity. Yet there is was, spelling and all... Insane.

For months I have been deeply engrossed in finishing things.  In salvaging treasures.  So much so that some of the projects I have wanted to do have been shuffled to the back corner for another time. As I have been focused on these tasks, more ways to do more things alone the same vein bubbled up. I am finding myself almost consumed with it.  

one of Great Gramma's blocks

So yesterday, I took the leap.  I paid the money and I made a commitment.  My sister was a driving force even though she might not realize it.  As I was toying with the idea and trying to talk myself out of it.  I'd asked if she wanted to help me fill a space, at first she declined.  Understandably so.  She's super talented, but she is also stupid busy!  She works crazy hours, she is one of the most dedicated grandparents I have ever met and she is always doing something to make life easier for someone else.  I mean seriously... where was she going to find the time.  

Score one for talking myself out of committing. 

this guy is always walking in sunshine 💙

Then slowly, but surely, I started receiving text messages.  Maybe she would be able to.  She and her Hubs were free without any commitments both weekends, so we could pick either one.  She started sending me pictures of her ideas... 

One thing led to another, and I found myself filling out the application yesterday.  It's a done deal now. 

So this morning after I start the tomato sauce simmering I will officially start on my newest project. I am refusing to allow myself to talk myself out of this (I know... I know... I am super good at talking myself out of things).  I am working hard on silencing that inner "I can't" voice.  I am learning that it isn't an I can't issue, it's an "I'm afraid of failure" issue.  Time to focus on Philippians 4:13.

Okay, as comfy as this chair is, it's time to start on those tomatoes, because they are not jumping into the roaster on their own. Trust me I've waited a couple of days to test it... not happening. 

love and prayers... 

in the the midst of thorns...

Whew what a month this week has been.  Is it truly already Thursday?  It feels like Monday was an anvil to the head and only got more intense from there. And strangely enough Monday was rolling smoothly until around lunchtime. It's been a few days of intense prayer for guidance, patience, calm and a few other things that I am still pondering.  

I've learned over the course of my life that the things causing the chaotic feelings are rarely the root of things.  More than likely, they are nudges from God to move your distractions away and focus you where you need to be focused.  Just like the messages that you hear in services and Bible studies.  It can't be just me that sits there stunned trying to figure out how my pastor knew exactly what I needed to hear, is it?

Between losing internet for over 24 hours.  Add to that trying to connect with actual humans at large companies to resolve issues.  And the distractions and chaos of every day life... well darn it... Satan was on a roll the first part of this week.

Side note: Why was the loss of internet connection a struggle?  When did we hit the wall that something so trivial and first world problem, became something that could set us off balance?  Yep, still pondering that question and I am definitely open for thoughts to consider. Who knew that modems should be replaced a bit more frequently than 9 years? After spending several days reconnecting everything we still have to get the Orbi to communicate. It's just not that important at this moment.    

I think I needed Bible study far more than I realized last night.  The message felt like it was directed straight at me like an arrow.  A realization that things are rarely how we tend to narrow our focus.  Stepping back over the past few days has definitely helped.  It's sharpened the picture, smoothed out the jagged edges and reset me. 

None of us are perfect.  We don't have a birthright to perfection based on our bloodlines, our knowledge, or history.  As we dig deeper and deeper into John, the more I realize that until we give up who we were and accept the path being offered we are still those lost sheep. The beauty of it all, the perfection and grace is that once we repent, once we are willing to truly own that we are all damaged on some level and we make the decision to walk with Jesus, for eternity we are his children. Our bloodlines, our mistakes, decisions, choices, things that we came into life with all of it, falls away.  We will all make mistakes, we will all stumble, we will fall we will question. We are human.  As long as we repent (genuinely) and without guile or deception in our hearts, Jesus will always be our savior.  Our path back home. 

As pastor spoke about the beauty of being born again, I found myself drifting a bit.  Not in a bad way, I was very aware of the conversation swirling around me, but I found myself focused on a very narrow spot in the midst of it all.  The one that only love can provide.  Jesus. 

I'm still thinking it all through.  It was a powerful gathering that deserves deeper thought and a more focused reading.  

What I do know, is that this crazy, upside down, chaotic week feels calm, normal and balanced, fresh and pure at this point.  

I opened the computer downstairs to deal with the printer issues for Hubs, my Facebook Memories popped up.  A year ago I wrote a blog, the book was reminding me.  Or at least it thought it was.  Frankly, I feel like it was God, pulling my attention in the direction it needs to go. 

Call it synchronicity, fate, chance or whatever you would like.  I feel it is God, getting my attention.  Dropping hints to see if I am ready to see his hand guiding me. A year ago, I wrote about "waste not, want not".  Just as I did on Monday.  Little bits and pieces of dreams that have gone unaddressed for a life time, the answers to some questions, the path to explore to others.  

I am still putting it all together.  I am typing out the map and plan.  I am working on gathering the information, the materials, basically everything.  I'm not completely ready to lay all of it out for others, but I am definitely getting there.  I must be on a path I need to follow, why else would crazy things start popping up like they have been?

June was crazy dry.  Rain was sparse and rapid when it arrived.  July has been different.  It's been raging and chaotic, cleansing. The storms are doing damage, tearing things down and I could choose to only focus on destruction, but that isn't what I am being drawn to do.  I'm being drawn to look at the foundation.  Even when one builds their life on a solid rock, all of us occasionally use shoddy materials to cut corners.  Sometimes, I think we need those storms to push the garbage aside so that we can focus on building the right way. 

Okay... this chaotic, cryptic woman needs to get with it.  It's been a busy morning catching up and I have a lot of things that I want to finish so that I can get moving ahead.  

Ironically, there is so much good coming.  Can't have those roses without some rain and a whole lot of thorns... right?