Friday the 13th...

Like many folks I stayed up late last night to enjoy the rather rare treat of a full moon on a Friday the 13th. Not because I am superstitious nor because I don't think there will be another full moon. The moon on Thursday night was breath taking as well.  I did it simply because...

Last night the moon was so unbelievably bright that the sky itself looked dark and void of even stars.  It was nice to know that, even though at this moment in time with neither of my kiddo's even close to home, we were under the same bright moon.  Basking in its glory.

The week has been insane, running all over, in and out of different trainings, struggling to keep everything in balance while not pushing my slowly returning health.  It's been insane.

The rain this week has the grass inches higher than it should be, the ground soggy and mushy.  At one point during the week AT&T took the liberty of completely tearing up chunks of my front yard yet again.  I guess I will need to call them, because they sure didn't bother to put in any grass seed or sod to repair the massive damage they have done. I am not sure why I am even worried or concerned.  It seems every two years they come in and destroy the work we've put into repairing the previous damage.  No warning, just appear and dig up the yard, put up bright orange fencing, do their work, and haphazardly put the yard back together.  It's normal. Mowing today, is going to be an unpleasant chore.

With the sun bright in the sky yesterday, Hubby took me out for dinner last night.  Of course with the sun shining we couldn't go in the Escape... we took advantage of the beautiful clear sky, the cool temperatures (no I am not complaining about 70's in June - do you think I am crazy?).  When you are riding on the back of the Harley, the best route to any location is never direct.  And we took full advantage of it.

It's really almost a straight shot from our house to one of our favorite restaurants hop on 159 and zip straight down past a few towns and you arrive in Smithton.  It's really just a wide spot in the road, not much bigger than a minute.  And it is one of our favorite spots.  The Smithton Family Restaurant is just off 159, you can't miss it.  And last night was all you could eat walleye.  Well, I evidently can't each much, they serve so much, but it was worth the ride to get there.  When two people can eat dinner, leave full and not have spent $20 including tip... and it was delicious.  Guess you really can't complain.

Leaving dinner, Hubby decided to take me exploring through the farm land surrounding the Kaskaskia River.  As we came up on the bridge over it, despite on-going repairs, it was beautiful The area is rather suppressed economically.  That beautiful meandering river runs to and fro and often wreaks havoc as it does.  It often floods, sometimes miles of farm land end up submerged.  The blessing following those floods is that deep rich soil.

As we were riding along the smell was so refreshing.  That powerful, earthy scent that comes from rich, dark soil, full of nutrients.  I wanted to get off the bike and dig my fingers into it.  The urge to garden bubbling up from somewhere deep inside my soul.

The farm lands were so wonderful as we zipped past at a whopping 45 mph.  We are "put, putters".  Many other bikes blew past us, hurry to get to the next place.  Missing the beauty that surrounds them.  The fields of amber grains waving gently as we passed, made it very easy to understand the inspiration of Katherine Lee Bates to write what became the song America the Beautiful.  Tucked in around rolling hills filled with corn stalks and soy beans, all in various stages of growth.

At one point we drove past a field that was freshly mowed.  I don't know what was mowed, but the sweet, fresh scent whipped me back in time and place to Erie.  I always connect that sweet smell to home.  I loved the smell after Papa would finish mowing.  It means home, it means family, it means love.  I was so thankful for finding it last night.

Those few hours between dinner and sunset were perfect, there has been so much lately, almost too much.  Both of us have been stressed, the rain has prevented rides, and we have been trying to do simply too much.  That ride was not only welcome, but needed.  The gifts we found along the way were priceless.

Today will be another busy one.  The girls are coming over for a bit - they have to work tomorrow so are going to visit with Pops today for Father's Day.  We are packing, as we should get our keys on Wednesday.  And tonight Hubby is finally going to get to enjoy his birthday present.

I bought him tickets to see A Prairie Home Companion. We will stop and have dinner before we go, and after 40 years of listening in on the radio, he is actually going to see Garrison Keillor live. He was listening to NPR this morning and heard them announce that it is sold out and better yet that they will live on air during the show.  I would say he is pretty excited.  Mr. Keillor is into his 70's and has tried to retire several times, so this could be his last chance to go.  I think it is probably the best birthday present I have ever given him.  I am thankful to be able to.

So tonight as we visit Lake Wobegon and marvel at Guy Noir misadventures, Hubby's smile is what I am going to be watching for... He needs this, I need this... we both need a small break from reality... tomorrow it can come back.

A little sunshine daydreaming...

It’s almost unbelievable.  It’s June. In the Midwest and I am sitting outside enjoying the peace and quiet that break time affords.  I am in a two part training today and decided to pack my lunch and hope for nice weather.  I didn't expect the luxury of sitting outside on a slightly breezy 73 degree day.  Without rain, wearing jeans and a sweater set. 

I mean after all the Midwest is not known for its reasonable summer weather.  Usually by now it is hot, muggy and just plain suffocating.  Nothing that you want to plan much time outside in, at least not if you are me…

Yet, here I sit.  Soaking up a bit of non-people time in warmish rays of sunshine, munching on an assortment of veggies and thinking out loud – or at least in writing, sort of the perfect kind of me time.  It’s not that I am anti-social, it’s that I am one of those background kind of people.  The ones that like to blend in, and my sensory system can only take so much.  I just spent almost three hours in a room with around 50 people, multiple conversations, training, varying lights, uncomfortable chairs and swaying temperatures.  I need a bit of time to re-calibrate or I will be most unpleasant by the end of the day.

It’s kind of ironic as I sit here listening to the cars on the highway zipping along that I would find that peaceful.  But I do.

All these transitions that are going on, on so many fronts are crazy.  Or maybe I am.  During my down time, I am day dreaming about paint colors and what to keep and what to discard.  The rest of the time I am trying to focus on learning a new payroll system, a new operating system, and my ever evolving roll in aquatics.

For someone that craves the even flow of sameness, this is a bit overwhelming.  To keep my brain sane, I have really been getting lost in creating lately.  It doesn't matter the medium, I have really been focused on keeping order by creating.  My current craft bag holds a needlework project, a pair of socks and paint swatches.  I have a kitchen table and an old telephone table that I am currently involved with and there is as much paint on my hands as thread strings attached to my clothing. 

And a dining room set and hutch that are waiting in the wings, or technically my living room and hall way. As there is no way on earth that hutch is standing up in any room in my baby house.  I had a plan for the hutch, now… well… now I don’t.  I want to make sure the hutch and dining set complement each other.  And the room they will go into.  So now I am waiting.  We get the house keys on the 18^th, after I compare color swatches I can start.

I can’t be the only person that can get themselves that turned around while escaping stress.  I have a deep seated need to be creative.  To surround myself with beauty that I have created the “old fashioned” way.  And when it feeds into my inborn thriftiness, well then it’s a bonus all around.  Normally I create a lot of things for others, rarely keeping many things for myself.  This year, I feel selfish.  This year, I need to complete things for us, to make a difference in mine and Hubby’s world.

I wonder if it’s all the changes, I wonder if it is feeling out of control where I am. Before I started working, Hubby and I spent many hours creating, building, crafting, together.  I have missed that time.  Until we started on all these projects for our new home, I didn't realize the intensity that I was missing them with.  I didn't realize how much I longed for those days.  Now something as simple as a few coats of poly-acrylic is something I want us to share together.  Insane I know.

We are a good team when we work together on a project, we've learned over the years to yield to the other’s strengths.  And even if we both get bull headed from time to time one of us ultimately concedes. For example, it is evidently of utmost importance to him that the underside edges of a table are painted (kitchen cabinets too), while I see no need (are you seriously expecting me to believe you are going to spend your time on my floor looking up to see if they are painted?) it really isn’t that important.  Does it drive me a bit batty, sure… My creative side doesn't like to get sidetracked by unneeded things.  But the reality is, it takes just a few minutes more and it seems to make him happy.  So… paint the underside edges… Problem solved.  By the way… I still don’t see a need for it…

I need to remind him to grab the boxes from my office today before he comes to get me. I might start packing up some things.  I am debating on it.  My boys and the girl get pretty darn stressed about changes like that, and with the loss of Z I don’t want to cause them any more stress.  Maybe I just drive myself crazy doing it all at the last minute.  I don’t know.

I haven’t moved in forever.  Never thought I would again…

Now there are boxes to pack, stuff to sort through and donate, so much to do on both sides of the river. So much… In hindsight… not sure my non-people time has helped me at all… just given me more to think about.

It's all good... I'm refreshed and ready to tackle the rest of the day!

Working through the hurt...

How do you deal with pain and loss?  I will cry, until my eyes hurt and my heart feels like it will explode.  Then I will sit back and look at the remnants, feel that a part of me is gone forever and then I will plow forward keeping myself as busy as possible.  Until I fall out from exhaustion.  Now is no different.

After a couple of nightmares, waking up worried about the rest of my furbabies and my two legged ones (as a couple are on the road), drifting back into a fitful sleep a couple of times, I simply gave up.

I got up, took care of all the critters, found the camera and the coffee and headed downstairs. After starting a load of laundry, I sipped coffee and looked around at all the projects I want to do, need to do and have started.   And then... in typical devil chasing me, heart aching Belynda style... I jumped in.

The first project to get my attention was the table that I had painted yesterday.  It was going in my new front living room, but honestly, I am not sure that is my plan now.  I am still considering this decision.

It needed stained, I went with a nice cherry, I felt the kona was going to completely overwhelm the yellow.  And I wanted to warm it up. A quick coat of stain... and I was already looking for another project. I had to wait a few hours before I could wax it.

Sipping another cup of coffee... wheels turning, I pulled out Estella's table.  Ah, that beauty, she's been sitting there for a long time waiting for my attention.

Estella was our neighbor, she was amazing!  She would always crack me up when she would announce, as she headed to her car, I'm off to pick up the little old ladies and take them to buy groceries.  The fun part of that, she was in her 80's, they were in their 60's (at the oldest).  She was sparkle, energy and light.  She would tell me stories of her Albert.  He was her one and only.  He'd built her their house when they were a young couple. They'd loved each other and lived a beautiful life in that house.

Albert had been very sick and in the hospital as they neared their 50th wedding anniversary.  They had planned a huge party to celebrate that amazing milestone.  It didn't look like Albert would be coming home.  But love, well it has a way of making magic happen.  Albert came home. Albert and his beautiful Estella celebrated that remarkable day and ended it as they had ended most of their days, quietly alone.  Albert passed away that night.  Estella, treasured that memory.  She knew that he loved her enough to make it to that day.

The table that I am working on refinishing, is one I fell in love with.  She would sit at it, in her home that was built with love and work on so many beautiful quilts.  Have her meals.  She was so amazing.  She passed in her late 90's, still driving the old ladies, still quilting and cooking she finally got to join Albert finally.

My mom got the table and loved it for many years.  When she moved she no longer had room for it, and I asked if I could have it.

Hubby and I mended it's broken leg, and stripped off years of paint.  Albert made this table for Estella when they were newlyweds. It's simple and sweet, and incredibly well made.  And I've never had a place for her.

Today I pulled her out, and started working on it.  It will have white legs, and a cherry top.  The legs are painted, maybe tomorrow I will start distressing them and applying the paste wax.  I have started putting the polyurethane on the top. I love the way it looks.  I think I will end up putting 6 or 7 coats on it.  I can't wait to see it finished.

We pulled out a few more pieces that we have salvaged and saved.  Hubby and I wood glued another piece that was damaged.  It's going to look amazing....

The boys are bathed, a motorcycle ride happened, two meals cooked and all the laundry finished...

Did someone say bath?

So as I keep busy, working through sadness, at least we are making progress on the things that need done and we want done...

How do you work through sadness?

At a journey's end...

Loves while he fought... Sweet Zorro

And then there were three... yesterday was hard.  Okay that is an understatement.  Yesterday was unbelievably heart breaking. One of our sweet furbabies went to the Rainbow Bridge.  He had an unbelievably urgent medical issue and after almost two full days of treatment he was not responding.  He'd fallen into a kitty coma.  When all hope was finally gone... we let him go.  Because we loved him that much!

I love my furbabies as much as I love my kids and grand baby.  It was devastating. As I held him in my arms, kissed his sweet baby head with my tears dripping on his little paws he took his last breath.

I want to believe when they brought him in the room that the "meom" was his calling mom... instead of just pain from being moved.  He was a talkative kitty, always had so much to say, so three days of absolute silence was hard to take.

As I snuggled him to the very end, knowing that it was more for me than him, as I don't think he knew we were there.  I simply told him how loved he was, and how much he would be missed.

I am already missing him more than there are words for.  It's quiet without all the stuff he always had to say.  His sister seems okay, more so than the dogs or us.  Funny, the boys are the ones that miss him most.

Snug... the Queen of Sassy

In my heart I know he's at the Rainbow Bridge, he isn't in pain and the jagged breathing is gone. He's there with Amber, Lucky, Rachel, Raja and Fred... they are waiting.  It's going to a be sloppy love fest when we finally go to join them.  Our sweet furbabies that have already left, that have all left their paw prints on our hearts.

Now I am paranoid, I keep looking at the remaining three, watching to see if they are all okay. Worrying about the food they are eating.  The amount of water they drink. Are they sleeping too much... and a million other things.  After we move, I am going to have all three get a complete physical by the vet, make sure there isn't something I am missing.  I will feel calmer after that happens.  For now, I fret.

Gator... my absolute baby

The Neeko! Allergy eyes and all...

Today, hasn't been as hard.  Today I have loved on my furbabies, cradling his sister a bit more to comfort her.  Today I spent time with my sisters and the kids that were close.  Today... well today is simply another day.  With a hole in it. 

Rest In Peace Zorro... we will snuggle again, one day...

Sometimes... life sucks!

Darn horoscope assured me that the blahs would be leaving today... that the clouds were going to clear... blah, blah, blah... if you can't trust your horoscope, what can you trust in this day and age?

I am still fighting with whatever this crud is, and frankly it is starting to wear me out.  I called my doctor's office today and I simply thought the receptionist was going to faint.  I haven't been to see them this much since I partially tore my Achilles tendon.  I don't like, nor do I as a general rule trust doctors.  But frankly none of the stuff that usually keeps me quite healthy despite having Fibro is working, so... and that darn horoscope... well evidently it lies too.

I can't believe the timing of all of this either.  There is simply so much going on, too much probably.  At home we are trying to move, at work - well there we may as well be.  We are updating and changing two major systems, and I play in both of them.  And trying to be a strong team player when all you can think about is laying your head on your pillow is not working very well.  I sure feel like I am letting so many people down.  And that is something I hate.

Then I came home tonight to a sick kitty.  He's the baby of the kitty family, not quite 12 yet.  I am sitting here with his sister kitty, they have the same mommy - she's just older by six months, watching him rest.  I didn't make it home and find him sick until after the vet closed.  And since he's just resting and doesn't seem to be in distress I am taking him to the vet when they open at 730 am.  I am so worried about my little boy.

I simply hate, and that is probably too tame of a word, the Emergency Vet Center.  I do not know a single person that has ever left there with a pet alive.  Me, my daughter, friends... NO ONE! Every time I have gone there I have left with a huge bill and an urn.  I can't even drive past the street it's on.  Yes, I understand that it is just the law of averages, or whatever else you might want to call it.  But frankly, if I can avoid it, I am.

I don't like people emergency rooms any better if that make it seem less cynical.  I get the premise, but too many times the emergency room doctors have missed something critical.  They have to be specialists in too many things just to make it through their shifts.  I am not blaming them, I am simply stating a fact.  They are brave, caring souls.  The sheer volume of work is inhumane.

Gee, hard to believe that I am really not in a bad mood isn't it?  I am just tired of feeling so beat up. I miss having energy, I miss not coughing.  Its been six weeks now, that's far too long.

Tomorrow I am going to take myself to the people doctor, maybe I can finally get something that is going to make this crud leave.  I am also going to take the kitty to the kitty doctor, and hopefully they can find something to make him feel better too.

This has not been a great day... it's been ugly and sluggish.  But the storm clouds are supposed to pass tonight... I can only pray right now.

Update... well today has pretty much sucked.  I wrote this last night, but didn't have the energy to post it.

Our little boy kitty is at the vet fighting for his life. If he makes it through the night he stands a great chance of being okay.  It was so hard to leave him there, shattered my heart.  Almost as badly as it shattered my heart to tell my son his condition. I am praying, it's all I can do.  The vet said there is nothing I could have done, nothing I could have changed or done different.  That doesn't make it better.

The day has sucked.  I only have 11 more hours until I can check on him.  11 LONG hours.  I would appreciate as many prayers as possible.

The trip to the people doctor was only marginally better... now they have decided I don't have bronchitis, because in six weeks we have treated me for a bacterial infection (hello antibiotics), bronchitis (hello steroids, cough medicine and inhalers), allergies (hello Allegra and Sudafed) and nothing has helped.  I have not gotten the least bit better, most annoying and irritating.

Today they decided I have Whooping Cough - seriously didn't know that was still an issue in the world today.  Guess I assumed vaccinated as a kid was all you need. Evidently wrong.  Loved the statement that it could take months to go away... WHAT?

Baby kitty fighting for his life, a doctor telling me that I was going to take even more medicines, including one to help with the pain from all the medicines.... Today has sucked...

I need to simply take it to God...

Energy to spare??

Where did those ten days go?  Why is it that time spent doing things you love dash by and when you aren't engaged in those endeavors it creeps past?

It sure didn't help that the majority of that time was spent sick.  I feel a bit robbed, even worse is that I am still not better.  If I have to go back to the doctor a third time I will lose my mind!

I also do not understand the simple fact that when you are on a vacation or off of work sick you don't need an alarm clock to wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed.  You are simply awake.  Or at least I am.  I wake up easily far earlier than needed when I don't need to wake up.  But let me "have" to wake up... and wow... I could sleep through that alarm for hours!

I am sure a great deal of it is that I have several pieces of furniture I want to paint and I picked up the paint while out bumming around the new neighborhood with the girls yesterday.  I have visions of lace and homemade butterscotch colored furniture emerging from my stash down in the basement.  My fingers are itching to hold a brush, to create...

Daughter and I were planning the changes to my decorating styles, the colors I am drawn to, and the vision I am trying to create.  I love that she is able to understand what I am describing.  She is so talented, I love her eye for color and styles.  She's amazing!

She also understands my need to upcycle.  That I love to save things, not buy new.  The bones to old furniture are so much stronger than what you find in mass production today.  They were made to withstand the tests of time.  Not to be used up and discarded with each new season.

No, I don't believe I am ready to go back to work.  Although I am sure it has far more to do with still being under the weather, not ready to give up my ability to take a nap when I am tired, and having projects and exciting happenings outside of work that are dragging my attention away.

Balancing for me is difficult.  I find that I am a passionate person, I also find that I am a pass this way but once kind of person.  I do not do well with repetition... This is why when you receive a handmade gift from me it will rarely be repeated.  I like originality.  In all things.

Oh I cannot wait to see some of my co-workers - one of my "b's" has been checking on me and even sent me a get well card (shhh... don't tell her... but I love that sweet woman so much!!!).  There are members that I have missed, people that I enjoy visiting with, hearing their stories and cheering them on.  Those are the things I am looking forward to.  I love the community that I am a part of.  I miss them.

Which for my slightly anti-social self is funny.  Because I am perfectly content to not engage with people outside of my bubble.  I am not a joiner, I don't feel strongly about making new friends, and I am very content doing without those things.

Although for now... I am hoping I find the energy to re-engage in my other life.  Sitting here listening to Hubby making lunch for today, he promised his "other wife" black beans and rice.  It will be wonderful to sit together for the yummy treat.

Is anyone else struggling to find the joy in this Monday morning? I think I will simply enjoy my pictures of flowers while I decide how my energy I have to spend...

I am in LOVE!!

I finished my coffee tables!  Oh my... I have a new addiction... I am completely in love with them. Less than $20 and a few hours of work later and I have the most beautiful addition to my new living room.  

The beautiful old Bassett tables have a new life, I learned a new skill and cannot wait to tackle my hutch! They will be in separate rooms in the new house, but they flow into each other.  So I want a touch of the same in both rooms.  

When Hubby and I scored those tables, I pretty much had a single focus.  I was ready to create.  I love the very act of creating.  Making something from basically nothing.  Evidently, the folks at Savers couldn't see the potential in those tables (for which I am thankful).  We didn't even have to change the hardware.  

We started by simply taking off the hardware and roughing up the finish.  There was very little finish left and that took minutes.  I couldn't find the paint that was recommended in all the online tips and techniques pages I studied getting ready to start. At least not locally.  And when I am ready to create, I have absolutely no patience at all! None, zero, nada!  Luckily, there are always solutions.  

I did some research, found a solution, two hardware stores later I was ready to go. 

Hubby and I started painting on Friday night, several coats of chalk paint (I had to laugh at the sweet young man at Lowes - I asked him if they had chalk paint in stock and he assured me it was in aisle 13.  After much searching I realized he thought I was asking about chalkboard paint - yeah, not the same thing!)

Yesterday morning before leaving for the Wounded Warrior Ride, I roughed up the pieces (to give it that distressed look) and nervously started applying stain.  I have to admit, I was really okay with how they looked just painted.  The color I chose "Rushing Stream", had pop and character.  It was so pretty that the next step had my fingers shaking just a bit.  

I had a vision in my head of what I was wanting.  I was determined. 

The Kona stain looked so dark, even darker on the white cloth in my hand.  I was so concerned. I finally figured that if I hated it, I could always sand a bit more and add another coat or two of paint. In for a penny, in for a pound, yep that sounds about right. 

Late last night, exhausted from riding all day, too tired yet too curious not to.  I went back down to the basement and started adding the final touch.  I gently sanded the dried pieces, working on getting an even finish, mellowing out the slightly darker spots.

I waxed the drawers last night.  I've never used paste wax, and again was dubious of the outcome. I followed the directions to the letter, so worried and unsure.  

Tick, tick, tick... how can 15 minutes fly by except when waiting to see final results.  I was so very tired.  Too many medications, too much sun, such a short night the night before... my eye lids started to droop.  

Sip my tea, add a bit of wax to one of the tables, just a small part, trying so hard to stay awake...

Finally time to buff. I was terrified!  Hopeful...

It was beautiful, the difference was shocking.  Soft, smooth, deep.  The texture was soft. I was too tired to go on.  I really wanted to finish.  I really wanted to be able to complete them last night.  I just couldn't risk it.  I was just too tired. 

I got up early today, brewed myself a pot of coffee, gathered up my tools and headed to the basement. I was on a mission, yet again. 

I carefully applied the paste wax with a brush, pushing it into the nooks and crannies left when you are working with chalk paint.  I had the patience to wait those 15 minutes today.  I was rested and ready to work.  

As the tables dried, waiting to be buffed, I buffed the drawers once more and added the hardware.

 

I methodically buffed each piece.  Paying close attention to all the corners, edges and grooves. Every swirl of the cloth brought forth the soft beauty that I had discovered with the drawers.  Soft and beautiful, the colors blended and swirled.  

The soft brown colored glass was put back in, the drawers put back in.  I am very happy with the end result.  I am very pleased indeed. 

I have discovered a new found passion.  I just have to decide what piece is next... It cannot be my hutch, this house is just too small for it.  So... is it the other table that I want in living room?  Or the two tables I made long ago, that had been forgotten and left behind (I was considering these for a yard sale, but Hubby has me thinking they may have a home in our new house...).  Or maybe it is the beautiful table, affectionately called Estella's table (after the sweet woman it came from).  I love that table.  

I think it will be perfect in my new breakfast nook.  I will finally be able to use it.  Yes, I do believe that is next...