Do you ever do something that looking back you realize it cost you your peace. That until it was removed you didn't realize that the action that was for all the right reasons and did a lot of good, came at a cost you were paying far too much personally for?
Do you ever let people into your world and simply not eliminate them when you realize their toxicity is far greater than you can absorb, but you keep subjecting yourself to it for "the greater good"?
I had done that to myself. I had invited in someone (and FYI - I invite very few in) and almost instantly regretted it. But I kept assuring myself that it was for the greater good, it was for a benefit that my heart was unwilling to sacrifice.
Well, by happenstance, or maybe because my spirit summoned it up, that situation resolved itself. I am no longer having to find the internal energy to deal with something for the greater good.
As I've been reflecting on it, I realized the healing has been so great. There is a piece that makes me sad, the greater good piece. But the peace in my spirit is overwhelming. It was something that I had not realized I was missing. It has caused a restfulness in my very soul. It wasn't the greater good that was the issue, that was not something that slowed me in the slightest. It was the bookends of the day that were too much. Too stressful, anxiety inducing and far too much.
I tend to gravitate toward people that bring light, joy and laughter into my world. Folks that are focused on living their best lives and celebrating successes and joy. I do not do well in the least with negativity, bitterness and anger. Those simply aren't my vibes. Now that they are removed from my space, I am realizing the extreme emotions and feelings they were causing.
This week, the calm has been healing. Even saying "calm" is rather hysterical, because it's been busy, chaotic, goofy, and productive. The inner turmoil is stilled, the inner frustration is gone. And now that it is, I can clearly see how much it caused me discomfort, distress and frankly anger.
I don't know if we realize that when someone or something doesn't vibe with our personal beliefs and values that is really is okay to stop, to move away from the entire situation. I found myself in a loop that was so much like when I worked in an environment that didn't align with who I am.
Whew... Do you think I learned my lesson this time? Do you think that I will never subject myself to the strangeness of this past week, as the drama unraveled? I mean some things are far too strange to repeat, right?
I sure hope I have. I know at my core I am a people pleaser, one of my most vile traits if I am being honest with myself. I hope this one taught me. I hope I remember the calmness and joy that I feel right now.
I spent most of this week with the humans that fill my spirit and soul with joy, love, laughter. It has been amazing. The rest of it I have spent quietly with my pups. Either walking quietly down wooded paths, laughing at their busy romps or working to restrain the absolute energy that bursts forth from that sweet girl of mine. My sweet Hubs has joined our excursions when his schedule has allowed.
We've even started squeezing in a walk in the mornings, before the rest of the world wakes up (you know we are those early to bed, early to rise kind of folks). This morning under the moonless sky with a crisp cold air we enjoyed our time together with our babies. We are trying to heal Hubs' back and help Beau loose the pheno weight and maintain his health as he lives his best life with seizures (that pheno is tough on them, I need to do what is best to keep him healthy). It sure doesn't hurt Belle or I in the least either.
It's amazing the difference in a morning that doesn't include anxiety. I mean yes, I get up at stupid o'clock most days, but I always have. Feeling my energy and excitement for the day returning is refreshing.
I have to remember that I do not have to change who I am to fit someone else's idea of who I should be. This week felt good in a strange way. I remembered a lesson that I should have never forgotten. Please my friends, remember who you are. Don't create echo chambers in your circles, keep diverse thoughts, ideas, hopes and dreams ever present. But don't try to remake who you are, don't sit silent and miserable to allow another person to dictate who you are allowed to be.
When the vibes don't vibe... move on. It really is okay. The world keeps turning and folks live with their own choices. It really is a beautiful thing. And when the vibes vibe, hold on and nurture that one, because those are truly your people. Your tribe!
Well, I guess I should get back at it. I have another 5 batches of soap to make - I really allowed my stash to get way too low. There are beans that need canned (I am tired of buying chemical laden food) and yogurt to finish making. So there is plenty to keep me busy... but who knows my babies might get another walk today... just because!
love ya,
b
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