is everyone okay?

Just checking in... How is everyone doing?  Here in my corner of the mid-west a stay at home order is in effect.  I still go to my branch occasionally through out the week, but mostly I need to work from home right now. 

I didn't write yesterday.  

I overslept - something I rarely do.  I felt stressed and flustered because of it.  I wasn't ready to start working at 8, heck barely made it by 9.  As I didn't wake up until 8:10 and still had to walk the dog, brush my teeth, drink coffee (I simply do not understand how folks function without a steaming cup of heaven each morning - or 4... ). The fact that my employer is trusting me to work from home, the me inside - the people pleaser - was completely focused on making sure he got a full 8 hours minimum of dedicated work.  I want to honor that trust.  To not make them feel I am a waste of money at a time like this. 

That is simply who I am.  It's not right, it's not wrong.  It's simply me. 

Honestly that part of me is what caused a long and sleepless night.  Terrified that I would not wake up in time to go to the branch as I have said I will be the one there today.  I am tired.  Bone tired.  If I believe my Fitbit, I only slept a grand total of 4 hours.  I went to bed at 9.  How is that possible?

I am worried about people that are part of my team.  I am worried about what all of this will mean to them, I am also worried about my own personal future.  The realist that lives in my brain would NOT shut up last night.  Nothing was helping. 

We are all on this journey, at different places and in different times.  That means that just as one is coming to terms another is falling apart.  The unending changes and fluidity of what the entire globe is facing is stressful.  

I firmly believe we will come out of all of this whole.  Just as firmly as I believe that things will never be the same.  Maybe some of the strain is the fact that many are grieving what is gone.  They are in that stage of loss?  I don't know.  I can only speak for myself. 

Each day I wake up a bit stronger in my own convictions.  And a bit less sure of anything outside of my home, family and close friends. 

I am working hard to only have uplifting and positive things surrounding me.  I will admit that I have snoozed more things on Facebook than I haven't.  I need the link to the good.  I need to walk away from the negativity and divisiveness. I am not asking people to stop believing what they believe.  That is each person's right and belief.  I just don't have the time or energy to expend on falsehoods, negative energy, hatred or inflicted pain.  

I am working to keep my personal energy high.  I am working on the inside.  Not the inside of my home (whew - although it needs it) but on the inside of my heart and on soul work.  I am finding more time spent in silence and meditation.  I am laughing more, smiling more, seeking out those that are willing and able to do that with me. 

I can't change anything external right now.  I can't even really protect my team, which is what my nature calls me to do.  I can only change who I am inside and how I choose to react to things.  I don't care about anyone's politics, I don't want to hear the news except for facts, I want to find my own way through this jungle that we are now in.  I want to find love in my heart to send out into the universe.  I want to be the one to dry tears and offer a safe space as we navigate these waters. 

I firmly believe that how we treat ourselves and one another is the defining moment.  The love and grace that we give is what will be remembered.  Okay and some people will probably never forget that they could not find toilet paper.  I had an amazing time laughing about that yesterday with one of our seniors.  She had some interesting suggestions if anyone needs some. 

Be good to yourself.  Check in with your heart.  Are you meeting your own needs?  If not, start there.  Take a long hot shower each day, or maybe a soak in the tub.  Try to find that quiet time.  You know where you put down the electronics, you turn off the television.  Dust off an old hobby that has lain dormant.  I was talking with one of my team yesterday and she'd mentioned that she started a cross stitch pattern.  Something she hadn't done in years. And the peace that she had found doing so.  Do something that requires focus.  It will require you to stop worrying, stressing and resisting and allow you to simply be. Cook a meal to share with your family.  If you live alone... have a virtual dinner party with dear friends. 

Find ways to connect... one of my dearest friends is hosting a virtual happy hour each day.  It is after all still birthday month.  I am concerned that participation could lead to a slight drinking problem by the time this is over... but the laughter it is bringing me... well... I'll take my chances. 

My sweet Neeko crashed a virtual meeting with my safety team.  He was tired of mom sitting with the computer on her lap and not paying attention to him.  

We've been exchanging group chat's that have full of laughter and jokes.  Find ways to simply be!

Well, it's time for me to pack my lunch and get ready to just go be somewhere else.... I am sending love and light to you.  

gratitude...

This moment in time is feeling a bit strange.  It's feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I am getting ready to head to work.  The stay at home order doesn't go into effect until 11:59 pm tonight.  I can be away from people and still work.

I am having so many mixed emotions about right and wrong. I can't see a clear path.  I'm trying.  When I said that we were doing the COVID shuffle, I meant it.  And I think all of us are doing it in more ways than one. 

Mentally, we are definitely doing a cha-cha.  Physically, holy crap!  We went out briefly yesterday.  Hub's scripts were ready and I wanted to get them before the full fledged panic of today kicked in.

Let's be reasonable here, the stores have no food on the shelves, panic had already set in.  But just the fact that people know they will be confined to their homes after midnight tonight... well that is going to add a whole new level of crazy.

I feel that we would not have gotten to this point if people had just stopped.  Listened to the requests, stayed 6 feet apart.  As Hubs was standing at the pharmacy counter yesterday a woman literally leaned over him and asked the pharmacist a question.  That not only violates the 6 foot request, but it really violates HIPPA laws.  His medical stuff, is his business and his alone.  We have simply become a society that doesn't feel common decency applies to us.

So, in order to be a good steward of my energies and to help myself through this journey, I have opted to focus on the positive.  The things that I am grateful for. 

I am grateful for so much. 

I am grateful today for a husband that loves and celebrates my idiosyncrasies.  He doesn't blink twice when I walk the house with smoking sage.  Purifying the very air which we are breathing.  He understands all the things that makes me who I am. 

The other day I asked him if my beliefs and actions concerned him, as they are a bit counter to his own.  If he'd regretted marrying someone that is a bit odd by societies standards. He just laughed.  And said nope, I assumed I was marrying a witch when I married you, so nothing you do surprises me.  I am not a witch (most days), I cannot wiggle my nose and make things happen.  I do deeply trust my intuition and things I somehow just know.  He's learned to do that also.

I am grateful for his understanding that I am a creative soul and I vibrate the highest when I am able to create in many mediums and styles.  He built me a fire to combat the cold and chill of the air yesterday.  He helped me to create my own little nest in my sitting room (yes it is ours, but I claim it!).  He gave me space and peace to listen to music that cleanses and calms my soul.  He kept my coffee cup filled and showered me with love.

I think he knew that I have been in a struggle spot.  And knew intuitively how to help me heal.

I am thankful that one of the gifts he's given me is my spinning wheel.  We couldn't afford it at the time.  I was happy with my drop spindles.  But he wasn't interested in hearing what I was saying. 

Yesterday for hours the smooth alpaca wool slid though my fingers.  I have met the alpaca this wool came from.  She is a true beauty.  I felt blessed and honored to spin her wool into a soft yarn.  To know that I will make something delightful with it. I don't know that I have enough to make a sweater, but maybe a scarf and hat set?  We shall see. 

I was a million miles from this plane yesterday.  The embers of the fire crackling, the warmth from the hot coffee, the tactile calming of that soft fiber.  The rhythmic motion of the treadle pedals spinning my wheel.

As I wandered mindlessly through the task I'd decided to do, I felt calm.  I felt grace.  I felt immense gratitude. 

During this crazy time, when the world is slowing, when life is rapidly changing.  I challenge each of you to find the grace to love, the courage to be grateful, and the love to support others through what is a very unsure and frightening time.

I posted yesterday that everything is as it should be.  I firmly believe that.  There is nothing to fear.  Fear is one of the lowest of energies, don't give in. Be grateful, thankful and live in love! 

the other side...

Adjacent opportunities.  I've drawn that particular energy card three times in the past week.  It's a beautiful card that is asking me to look at other possibilities.  Pointing out that there are other paths that I might not be seeing right now.

When I woke up at 4 am today, I had no intention of being up so early.  After all it is Sunday, the Y is currently closed and I know that my phone will not ring with a member concern.  I had turned off my alarm, to hopefully allow my weary mind and body some rest.  Yet there I was, awake.

A million thoughts have spun out of my mind over the past few weeks.  Was it really only two weeks ago that we were all semi-joking about the fact that it was going to be a roller coaster of a week.  I mean it started with a time change, a full moon and ended with a Friday the 13th.  It was my RMOD weekend, so I was braced for the insanity to begin.  I was hopeful, but cautious just the same.  I sat in a leadership meeting that had a solid plan for all of us if this coronavirus became a real threat to us. 

It seemed distant and strange.  I was still struggling with how I felt about it.  Was it real, was it something being "spread" by the media to frighten us?  My conspiracy theorist and questioning heart and soul were struggling to process this... well... thing.

That week had been filled will LONG days and I had to work that next day.  Normally after those meetings I head home.  For some reason after chatting with various people, wrapping up various things... I had one of those feelings.  Getting into my car, I'd called Hubs and said "I have to head to the branch - I don't know why, but I think I am going to be needed there".  I don't know that I have spoken truer words in a long time. Friday the 13th started this spiral that keeps getting bigger and honestly at time a bit more frightening and overwhelming.

I reached out to my team, asked those planning to head home early (after all it was Friday) to wait, just about the time I got the text directing us to stay at our branches and be prepared.

I'm not sure there is a way to be prepared. Over the past ten days we have cancelled programs, closed our buildings, cleaned, cleaned and cleaned some more. Unwilling or unable to leave my team unsupported I had been staying through all the shifts, cooked soup and chili, tried everything I can to help them feel loved and supported - truthfully I have probably failed quite miserably.  These times have never existed before. I can only lead with my heart and hope and pray they know that I am here for each of them.

They are amazing and the laughter that has filled our building as we've done the Covid Shuffle and lifted and supported each other has been incredible.  They have filled my heart with so much love and light, and for that I am truly blessed. 

I went home early on Friday - my car needed serviced and I needed to get it done, just in case.  I followed social distancing rules and took care of what needed to be done.  During that time we got the news that Illinois was issuing a stay at home order. I spent a bit of time chatting with my boss and determining what that meant for my team.  Several of them live in Illinois.

The spiral was getting larger...

Yesterday the county and city issued the same order.  I am a tad unclear on the timing, it sounds like the county will "lock down" first. I do not envy our leadership team.  Everything is changing by the moment.  It's a time of taking a breath and everything changing from when you began the exhale.

Hubs and I are trying to process this ever evolving chaos.  We are sorting through what it all means, or trying to.  We both have two paths we are looking at.  We both serve at the Y. That is our chosen career.  Which also means that whatever happens, will happen to both of us. For me, I do not know that we will be essential, I do not know if that means work from home or PTO, or... well... I don't want to go down that rabbit hole right now.

Hubs is in a slightly different career field that is more essential than I am.  There will be work for him to do to keep the buildings safe and secure.

It's the unraveling feeling that is disconcerting. It's like being on a ship, being tossed in the waves.  Every moment that you catch your breath, that you feel steady and stable... well blink... it's changed.

I am going to go retrieve my plants from my office.  They have value to me.  They are living.  They bring me joy.  The rest of it can sit there for a moment.  I am sure the day will come that I will either go back for good or at least to retrieve the rest of it.

I read something powerful the other day.  It said those that make it through this current storm will be those that are adaptable and can change. Those that have the ability to be fluid and adapt to whatever comes.

We are never going back to where we were.  Those times are gone. 

But there are always adjacent possibilities.  Yesterday, I didn't accomplish much.  My heart was heavy, my brain was processing the chaos and storm.  When I woke this morning, after doing my energy exercises, I chose to do a meditation for healing and health. I have cleansing music playing right now and my heart and soul feel strong and fulfilled.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring.  I know it will involve a lock down of sorts.  It needs to. People simply don't seem able to listen. The rest of the dance?  Well it isn't written yet. I might be spending hours calling people and doing wellness checks, I might have work and activities assigned to me. 

Or... I might be on PTO, with however many paid days off I have stretched out before me.  I might have time to declutter and clean, to create both physically and mentally, to prepare meals that will fill our bellies and our hearts. To work on my yard and actually create a garden on my deck.

Or... well let's not throw that thought out into the universe. 

Whatever today brings, I will face it with love and grace.  I will thank the universe for the gifts it has bestowed and look for the good in all of it. I will cherish the slowness that my heart and soul have longed for.  I will laugh and love.  I will spend time enjoying sunshine with my dear Hubs and my sweet pup.  I have time to connect with family and friends.

Maybe this is truly a time a healing and we are missing it in the fear. 

I believe humanity and our dear earth have needed this cleansing and healing. 

Hand on my heart, voice to the heavens I give thanks and love to all!

appreciation...

The stillness. 

The quiet. 

Yesterday I was melting down.  Reality had started to settle for me.  I was seriously struggling. I rarely cry, yet broke down numerous times. I was worried, not so much for myself - although I was very much aware of my "importance" or lack there of in the grand scheme of things.  I was struggling to process it all.  Stay positive for the team I lead and for my family.  I was not succeeding yesterday. 

When I tried to meditate yesterday morning, it eluded me.  I couldn't let go for anything.  So I settled on my energy exercises and drawing my daily energy card.  Each of us has our own way of connecting to higher energy.  This is mine.  I want to be an open vessel for Source (God - or whatever you chose to name it) to help raise the vibration and energy around this beautiful world of ours. 

That is hard when you cannot focus on anything.  When fear sneaks in and tries to damage you.

Thinking Woman was the card I drew yesterday.  It was telling me that a wise woman would help me, that they would bring me the tools I needed. Would help me understand.  I sent a silent prayer heavenward that when that woman arrived I would know it and receive it.

I went about my day, immersed in beautiful scents and the softness of music at 528 hz or higher. I needed the connection to love and more.  Yesterday morning, my bucket was drained.  I had nothing to give and was incapable of supporting myself, much less others.

Twenty-four hours later I was able to meditate, in fact my sweet Hubs played his chimes for me.  It calmed my heart and soul, I think his being wrapped up in playing helped him also. I noticed the beauty around me.  I was able to draw my card.  I was able to receive the message without malice.  It was a reversed appreciation card.  It was telling me that I had been in a bad spot and needed to let it go.  To focus on gratitude and appreciation.

A wise woman did reach out to me.  And even though in that moment I wanted to wallow in sadness and pain, I wanted to stay in my ugly spot, I didn't.  I found the time to talk.  To pray and to understand.  I did hear her.  And I will be forever grateful that she took the time to reach out to me.  Each of us have a responsibility at this time to raise the vibration of our planet.  To find joy, beauty and gratitude.

Things are spiraling and changing dramatically and by the moment. I firmly believe we are never going back to the world that we had even a few weeks ago.  I don't think things will ever be the same.  At the same time, I feel in my very soul that they will be better.

We are going to be changed.  I don't know what that means.  But I have immense hope that we are finally going to be able to come together.  I feel this powerful echo in every fiber of who I am that it will not only be okay, it will be far better than it was.

Old systems that no longer serve us will vanish.  Our ways of doing things will change.  Low vibration thoughts and energies are in their dying stages.  They no longer serve us.  There is no need for greed, hatred or violence. 

I keep seeing the meme about being sent to our homes for a timeout. Maybe that is exactly what it is. A time out, an opportunity for us to be the very humans that we are meant to be. 

This morning Hubs and I went out for a walk with Neeko, we got up early to go so that we could maintain good social distancing.  Too many people are not understanding the importance of this. We walked, talked and enjoyed the rising sun, the budding trees, the songs of the birds and the silence.

We went out for a brief moment, he'd been told his script was in.  Unfortunately the pharmacy was not open, we will have to go back on Monday.  It's okay, we will go through the drive-thru.

I am so grateful for being here on this earth at this time.  I am thankful for a sun that continues to rise.  I am grateful for it all! 

Things are as they are meant to be. And I am a willing participant. 

So dears... make some time to reconnect to what is important.  Help raise the vibration of our world.  Help her heal while we are resting and slowing down.

Open your hearts and minds.  Be nimble and flexible. Be willing to let the old world fade so the new one can be born.

Change is good!  Now... back to baking donuts, tidying my house and being at peace.  If you can't find your peace... meditate, pray, look for the good - it is coming from incredible sources at this time...

Love and Light...

thoughts...

2:37 am. Why on earth am I awake and alert at such a time?  Does my body not know that I need rest more than ever right now?  Did it miss the memo?

A million disjointed thoughts were running through my mind.  Nothing was working.  I was simply awake.

My guess is those thoughts that are bubbling to the surface at a speed that seems beyond comprehension are important. Why else would they wake me?  Disrupt much needed rest?

The randomness is powerful.  As I sat silently meditating the words that kept flashing through my mind don't seem to make sense.  I kept hearing Sue telling me I come from a long line of powerful women healers and it is my destiny. Let me be clear, I m definitely not in any career path involved in healing.  The sight of blood is enough to almost make me pass out. My sisters all work with healing.

I kept hearing hope. 

And I felt an overwhelming need to write.

My thoughts aren't important.  I am not a great leader that will guide us anywhere.  I am just a single human doing my best in a very unstable and off balanced world.

So many thoughts, so garbled and tumbled.  I think they are a reflection of my emotions. I am so torn with where we are right now.  I can't understand my own feelings to this virus and it's purpose and impact.  How do I guide others through it?

I have always firmly believed that nothing happens without a purpose.  I very firmly believe what we are going through now falls into that same category.

What is the purpose?  As we closed our doors with heavy hearts last night to our members, we know it is for just a moment in time. It is to allow the curve to flatten.  To stop this virus that I heard a medical professional describe as "slippery".  That it has been able to mutate at a far more rapid pace than expected.  That is sweeping across this beautiful planet.

I don't feel fear.  Not for myself.  I am curious.  I am trying to find my place in the unsteadiness.  I am worried for people that are unable to work.  At least for a moment I am okay, Hubs is okay.  My children are.  I haven't had time to check in with everyone.  Just my immediate family.  I am scrambling to keep up with this ever evolving, silent entity.

Were the fires in Australia earlier a prelude?  I keep reflecting back to the pictures that started coming out as that incredible devastation was concluding.  One is burned into my memory, brilliant flowers and greenery growing almost immediately in the midst of all the burnt, charred blackness of before.

My heart feels that was a promise. 

We are going into a period of great change.  We will never go back to where we were just a week ago.  I remember our staff lunch two weeks ago and all of us sitting around laughing and talking.  Of course the corona-virus came up, it's been a topic that lived in the background for months now. Almost as a whole we were saying we weren't sure what to believe, it was being blown out of proportion, even making some crude jokes meant to lighten the mood. Did we already know deep inside that levity was needed?  That something bigger was coming?

I was not worried a week ago.  Slowly, that has shifted.  I feel it is something that we can overcome, I feel strongly in my heart that if we can globally shift into this period of self-isolation.  Minimum contact, moving slower and safer that we can flatten the curve.  We can stop this. 

For a long time now we've been moving at a break neck speed.  I have written for years about the need to slow down and savor life.  I have mourned that we are not teaching our children basics, that we are becoming machine like.  I myself have been one of the voices that has echoed the need to slow down, to go back to that simpler time. Has the universe been noticing too?

I giggle a bit when I read all the folks on Facebook asking what am I going to do with my child/children for months (as across the planet schools are closing for the year).  Maybe I giggle because I am on the other side of raising my babies.  My sweet babies are grown and living their own lives.  And then I see the plethora of posts with ideas.  The very ideas that I did with my kids, that my parents did with us.

We need to heal the family unit.  And it doesn't matter what your family looks like.  My sweet daughter loses her mind some days.  Her youngest will give her as much gray hair as she gave me.  Yet the love and joy I find watching her raise those children is inspiring.  She allows them to live, experience things, try out life.  They cook, they try gardening, they paint, they build, the talk, they laugh.  It's not utopia, it's life.

Children learn in many ways.  I believe that our school system is broken.  It has been for a very long time. We aren't teaching kids life, we are teaching them memorization.  Maybe this is here now to reset that.  Make playdoh, get your fingers dirty, learn to cook, sew, maybe a few life skills.  The things that we have gotten to busy to pass on.

I don't know what the other side of this looks like.  I still haven't processed how I feel.  I am worried thinking about things around me collapsing.  I had to change that thought.  I don't feel worried.  I feel wonder and curiosity.  Yet I am not truly afraid.

Things will look different. Things will feel different. 

People will be different. 

Oddly, I am not sensing the low vibrations that I thought I would feel.  I am curious as to what this is hiding from us. But, I always feel that when the media focuses too hard on any one thing. 

All I know for certain, is that we are never going back.

Those days and times are over.  Take time to be more connected in different ways.  Teach your children things you have forgotten, or if you never learned... I'm sure there is a YouTube channel full of ideas.  Take advantage of all the virtual stuff that is being offered.  Keep an open mind, help where you can, lift other's up - even if it is simply sharing something positive on social media. 

If it's raining, put on your rain boots and go splash in some puddles and search for rainbows.

Be smart.  Bow your head in prayer if that is your belief.  Meditate. Take time to keep yourself and all those around you in a good place.  Walk in the sunshine.  Learn, read, grow...

The possibilities are endless, stop believing they aren't.

Think outside of the box that you have been living in. And do not live in fear.

Like I said, tons of things are swirling, so much I haven't had time to process.

Love and light everyone... I am holding space for you!

slow...

slow...

That single word has been stuck in my consciousness for almost a month now.  It pops up when I'm walking, meditating, awakening or simply sitting.  It has felt large and powerful.  It has demanded attention.  I have felt drawn to blog about it for weeks, but the rest of the words were not yet ready to be there.

When I write it is usually because something is drawing me to it.  Things feel like they have to escape my mind and become real.  I don't know a better way to describe it. It has only been in the past few days that the thoughts have started to come together.

Scary words are flying around pandemic, panic, coronavirus, COVID 19, self-quarantine, and even death.  I am still struggling a bit with it all.  Not from the reality of it existing.  I have no doubt about it.  There are new viruses coming into being all the time.  We live in a world that is full of other bacteria and germs.  I am struggling with what appears to me to be the greater virus.

Humanity.

At least where we are right now.

We are greedy, self-centered, our ego is greater than our compassion. At least that is how it appears.

It's been a crazy busy week.  I worked long days, over 12 hours a day, all but one day.  I even worked yesterday and will again today.  I will admit to being tired.  All of it was good stuff, but exhausting none the less.  The day I was going to call it quits early and actually buy some groceries for my seriously empty home, things started spiraling out of control and I ended up working even later.

In my personal bubble I was dealing with the impact of this virus and paying little attention to the insanity it was brewing. I am calling it a temporary insanity, because the fear is causing normally sane people to behave in manners that are mind numbing.

When I finally left work yesterday, after explaining to numerous people the reason we could not honor this or that was for their personal safety. Being yelled at and cussed out because I could not allow baby showers and group gatherings, I will admit to being very mentally exhausted.

I am a strong person.  I can take a great deal.  My default personality type is that of an extreme optimist... yet I can only absorb so much negativity and pessimism. By noon yesterday I was tapped out. All of the great conversations I had been having with peers and friends on how to make a great impact during this time of upheaval were squashed aside that's for sure.

Emotionally tapped out, starving (I hadn't been excited about the oatmeal sweet Hubs had made for breakfast as I was out of fruit and nuts to put in it - so I ate very little), and basically just weary of the fear that was invading our world... I was ready for a lunch date with Hubs.  A chance to unplug and process.

Lunch was incredible, I had so much fun simply chatting in the dim light enjoying each other's company.  Briefly glancing at my phone as I knew there was a conference call going on at that moment that could have implications.  I was ready to bounce back into work mode if need be. It was towards the end of lunch that Hubs got a call from work.

We work for the same place, just in different areas.  I take care of people directly, he takes care of the facilities and supplies. We'd been planning our grocery shopping for the week (no we did not need toilet paper) and various other items that were on our usual weekly to-do list. So we knew we'd be going out.  His call was a request to search for some items that were needed and in short supply.

I figured we could complete our weekly stuff at the same time.  I was woefully unprepared for what I witnessed at the stores we were shopping in. I was saddened. I watched people walking to their cars with carts full of toilet paper and paper towels (I can list several more sustainable ways... but no judgement), once inside the grocery stores and even Wal-Mart (yep still not my favorite place - but we were leaving no stone unturned) the shelves were bare.  I mean completely bare.

The hordes of locusts in the Bible could not have cleaned those shelves better.  I was in search of ingredients to make vegan corned veef, in whose world is vital wheat gluten something you should horde? If it was boxed or canned it did not exist.I couldn't buy a box of pasta... FYI, you can make that yourself... guess I will be. The crazed behavior was something you could feel.

We never found what Hubs was in search of.  Going to one of my favorite stores we found shelves over flowing with goodness, all the items on our list (although they removed the fresh oatmeal press and the guy working the bakery was awfully snarly that he had to slice my bread - they are the ones that removed the machine - not me), and it was calm.  I will continue to be willing to pay a bit more for that kind of sanctuary.  Sweet Hubs asked a lady if they had what he was looking for, they didn't.  But she immediately started to pray that we could find it and use it for comfort and protection.

Back to slow...

Through all the insanity of yesterday afternoon, which is really difficult for a highly sensitive person by the way, I still kept hearing the word slow. It was becoming a louder, more insistent SLOW.

There was no medication left on shelves, very few food items, and lets not talk about toilet paper. People were frantic.

There are only a few confirmed cases of COVID 19 in our entire area. Panic is ruling.

My heart, my meditations, and my very being are telling me not to worry.  They are telling me this is something that has been needed.  Not from a cleansing sense, I want no one ill or to die.  But from a reset sense.

So many times in recent years I have longed for the simplicity that has slowly slipped away.  The other morning I took Neeko for his morning walk.  I was cranky and not wanting to be bothered so I left my phone at home.  We walked for about 30 wondrous minutes. He's 15, I didn't rush him one bit.  We savored the beauty of the day, we listened to birds and he considered chasing a few.  During that entire walk the only thing that kept going through my thoughts was how wonderful it felt. A sense of loss for an entire generation or two that don't remember or know the beauty of silence.  Of walking along and listening to the birds on an early spring morning and genuinely hearing them.  The complete disconnection and oneness.

Is it possible that this virus slowing us down is giving us a chance to reset.  To not be so hurried and rushed.  Families are being forced to spend time together, not rushing to and from activities and events.  Schools across the river are closed, people are cancelling vacations and staying home.

I am worried about the financial impact, to all of us.  I worry about our seniors.  I worry that the hording mentality will cause someone to need that cold medicine to treat this virus and it won't be available.  I worry that we will continue to be trapped in our bubbles of self importance while others suffer. I worry that my sweet Hubs and mom - who are in the age bracket that is most vulnerable could get sick. I worry about my son, he's so far away.  I worry about my daughter and her kids.

I could give into the worry.  I am choosing not to. I woke up this morning, did my energy exercises and mediation.  The words were finally starting to gel so here I am.

Slow down.  The heavens have been sending the message for a while now.  It's okay to sit quietly, to not leave your home for rush about stuff for a day or two. It's okay to savor your coffee, go for long walks with loved ones in the sunshine, sit outside or read a book. It's okay to create something, learn a skill, or finish a project that has been tucked away in the business of rushing about. It's okay to enjoy the sunrises and the sunsets. It's okay to take a breath, to just be.

Instead of focusing on the insanity this is causing.  The panic and fear.  Maybe, just maybe, we slow.

We call friends and check on neighbors.  We share some of that horded toilet paper with that family that didn't get any.  Write some letters, send some emails, we are no longer an isolated society unless we refuse to reach out that helping hand.

My heart has so been lifted by the good.  The singing in Italy, my cousin in Germany sharing how they are supporting one another, restaurants offering free lunches to children that count on that daily school lunch to feed them (the delivery method might need work... but hey), the posts on Facebook and Nextdoor offering to go and get groceries (I now know those are brave souls) and supplies for neighbors that might be in the vulnerable groups.

I feel the universe is telling us that it is okay to slow down. It's not just okay, it is needed.  We are human beings, not human doings.  And there is not a shortage of anything, at least not a natural shortage.  Greed and fear are creating it.  Turn off your televisions for a while, the media has a place in this world and it is important to stay informed.  But when all you hear is panic and fear from every angle... well... then you start having people crocheting toilet paper...

My sweet Hubs just lit a fire for me.  So I am going to take a few minutes to savor my coffee, rest my weary soul and then it will be time to take our sweet old boy for a nice, long, SLOW walk.

As the age of Aquarius dawns, and we are drawn naturally do to more for others, please find the place in your heart to do so.  Check on others, be willing to do things.

My heart is saying slow down, re-evaluate things, look at what is truly needed and then proceed...

Slow...

Love and light to each of you...

so selfish...

It's been a minute. 

Not that I haven't thought about writing, I have thought about it. I've been much too busy though.  I'm being selfish.

Selfish is a much maligned word, but I feel it has become my mantra for 2020.  I'm still doing for others.  I am still outwardly the same person I have always been. Sort of.

I am learning to be selfish though.  And it's amazing!  Selfish isn't about hiding the chocolate and refusing to share (although it was tough with the sponge candy...) it isn't even about not caring for my loved ones and others.

It's more about filling my own cup first, so that I have plenty to pour from when I am giving to others. It means not ignoring my own needs, not shuffling them away into a box that never gets opened.

I am being very selfish.  I am focusing on me.  Probably for the first time in my grown life.

All of us were really good at it when we were children.  If the urge hit us to move, to talk, to wiggle or giggle - we simply did.  It was important back then in our course of development to simply do those things.  Sure our folks got frustrated.  I giggle a bit when my daughter posts some of the things my youngest grand baby is doing, as a parent her creativity has to be exhausting! As a bystander on a journey to reconnect with my heart and sense of simply being, it is powerful!  She might be my soul guide. 

Selfish isn't bad.  For some reason we've been taught almost since birth, that being selfish means you are not a good human, that you are a mean, uncaring human.

What if we think about it in a different way.  What if instead of being uncaring it allows you to be far more generous, not only with your heart but your time and energy?

Earlier in February, my sweet Hubs gave me the gift of a full weekend to focus on me.  I attended the "You be You" weekend at the Peace Place.  I had the blessing of a weekend of meditation, studying things important to me, and having my personal bucket filled. Laundry didn't happen, dinners were interesting (although I did make breakfast and nice lunches both days), the house was uncared for, the clutter kept piling up. 

The reset to me as a human, was priceless! I have had so much energy, I have had more to give.  I have not felt overwhelmed.  Big challenges have not overwhelmed me, they have not knocked me to my knees.

I learned to truly meditate. To release everything and just be. 

I have picked up my Chrome Book more than once.  The intention was to write.  The motivation wasn't there. There were thoughts brewing like crazy, there still are.  I just don't know how much I will be writing for a while. 

During a moment of misunderstanding earlier this week, Hubs reacted strongly, saying it's all about you.  It stung for a moment.  But only a moment.  Because he was having the same reactions I am to the pressures of every day life.  To the lack of balance in our world and relationship. We both feel a strong need to re-balance.  Time for us, for doing what we both want and need. To have time for alone stuff and even more time for together stuff.

I heard what he was saying loud and clear.  I believe he heard me.  As it was the universe heard us both.  It's a beautiful weekend according to the weather forecast.  Tomorrow is supposed to be even better.  We have both been putting so much energy and time into things that are outside of the personal realm.  I have work to do today, so does he.  Yet, we decided to jealously guard the weekend.  We both woke up with major headaches, although his was self-induced from Friday night fun.  Mine, well mine might be self-induced also.  My fibro is trying hard to flare.  I am trying hard to not let it.  But the current imbalances in my life are pushing all the buttons.

So, we put the day on hold.  Took our big boy for a long walk. And while he napped, I did some of the things that my heart has been pleading to have time for, soaps and candles have been made, resting has happened. 

We found time for a lovely, slow, late lunch - it wasn't intended to be so slow, but the universe heard our hearts.  It knew we needed us time. The restaurant that I picked was evidently the launch site for a huge family wedding.

A leisurely walk through the botanical gardens (we've been trying to go as often as we can), enjoying all the beauty of the final days of winter. We marveled at the beauty around us, pondered the treasures that would soon be breaking through the fresh compost in the unmarked beds (that smell...), we took time to sit and enjoy the silence and beauty that surrounded us (until our bums got a bit too cold on those stone benches).  Poor Hubs' feet started to protest as the sun started getting lower on the horizon.  As we walked hand in hand, talking and laughing we both had our hearts filled with joy.

Tomorrow may not go completely as planned.  Sweet Hubs knew I'm hurting, so he scheduled massages during what should have been the start of our motorcycle ride.  I am looking forward to the wind in my face, my arms around him as we go and explore, I am also looking forward to that massage.  My back, neck and arms are so unbelievable sore.  It's time to take care of myself.  I am hoping we still get a nice long ride in tomorrow.  I am planning to pack a picnic basket for us to share at some quiet little spot in the middle of nowhere.

I am being selfish.  It isn't always about me, any more that it is all about him, or anyone else.  But sometimes, we all need moments to simply reconnect to ourselves.  I'm not there yet, I am working on it. I know this flare is my body's way of reminding me to slow down.  To take care of myself.  I also know that this journey I have been on is giving me the tools and knowledge that I need.  We actually scheduled time off together for the sake of nothingness.  No big plans, just us time.

I am so blessed to be married to my soul mate, my other half, my very best friend. Someone that knows I am not being "selfish" in the way that we have all been taught to think of it.  Just in a way that allows me to give more of me to us.

I'm not sure how soon I will write again, could be tomorrow, could be next week.  It will all depend on my balance.