The freshly ground rich smell of coffee is marrying with the star anise, cardamon pods, cinnamon and ginger. Topped off by the smell of grapes from the jello. The softness of clean linens providing the backdrop. I should definitely start my day like this a bit more often.
Outside the snow is still lingering. Slowly receding from the warmth at the sides of the house. The sky is dark and heavy, like it is whispering that more snow could be heading our way. I wonder if that is a whisper or a threat. I'll take a threat, but I sure don't feel I need a promise. We've got enough. Looking at the forecast, it appears we might even be in for a bit of a warm up, if you consider 40° a warm up. I'll take it, these single digit's have been kicking my butt.
The pups and I want to go for a long walk, we need some fresh air. It looks like it is on the way. I'll just quickly send up a silent prayer at this moment. A friend of mine keeps sharing the weather in Minot vs. here at home... gotta say I never thought I would be jealous of Minot, but here we are.
Hubs had to go to work super early this morning. We have a visitation to go to this afternoon, and he needs to get his eight. So the early morning found me fixing hot beverages and making lunch for him. I figured I was on a roll so why not just keep rolling. I can't believe I just gave Beau his 8 am meds and I am pretty much done with my morning chores. Unbelievable. It feels good to start the day off with a bang. Guess that is why I always loved the early morning shifts... the whole day is still stretched out before me and I feel energized to actually use it.
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| Beau doesn't believe in personal space Poor Belle is getting crowded |
I've got something weighing on my mind that I am longing to talk out. Have you ever had something trigger your emotions? Something make you feel out of control and angry without a clear reason why? I try hard to not have that happen. But every now and again, something small will light up that part of my brain. That darn amygdala gets hijacked and pulling it back to center feels like it takes every bit of energy and strength you have.
This weekend I had that happen. It was innocent, but my brain went haywire. My darn feelings were on fire and I didn't know how to respond. It was a nothing thing. Seriously. But not inside my head. It felt like I was fighting against every slight, every pain, every emotion that I had ever experienced. The rational side of me was pretty darn disgusted with the emotional side, let me tell you. Like I said it was simply me taking something in a way that wasn't meant.
I think we all have those moments. Where something is presented to us, harmlessly, but in such a manner that it sets us off. It makes us feel irrational and out of control. Attacked. Hard to believe that a tiny bit of gray matter in the brain can cause those emotions, those feelings. But... it does.
I'm starting to feel like the global population are all fighting that battle with themselves. And as they are struggling to get a grip on what they are feeling, they are starting to lash out. Working on ways to even the "score" that their brains are amplifying.
A friend of mine, someone I used to truly adore and respect has been traveling down that dark road for a bit now. I've silently watched the change in who they are as a person, saddened for the loss I've watched happen. The other day they shared something on Facebook that was an easily verifiable falsehood, and written to cause hate and discontent. It was for laughs - is how they posed it. Reading it, reading the comments and their defense of it, made me ill. Brought a sadness to me that I didn't quite expect. Their defense of it was that it was funny, even if untrue and that made it okay. With absolutely no concern to the fact that is was a blatant lie and in this day and age people don't search for the truth when a lie makes them feel better about their own thoughts. Hmmm... wasn't that warned about in the Bible and other teachings?
In this powder keg of a world we are living in right now, stirring a hornets nest to calm your own emotions and justify them hardly seems prudent.
Everywhere I turn I am seeing people reacting out of frustration and anger. They are pushing those emotions on others instead of stepping back and calming themselves. Looking deeper to see what is causing them to be in a constant state of unease. I was listening to a podcast the other day, and the overarching theme was about how we seem to be locked in a constant struggle to be right, to be the victor, when what we really need is to splash around a lot of love.
I can't say I disagree.
I have been walking away from a lot of things and people that bring me anxiety and stress. If you are a negative Nelly and only want to tear people down. Sorry, we aren't going to continue being friends or even acquaintances. If I go to your business and you are ugly, well, I am not required to frequent your business. This isn't something that has happened overnight, nor are the decisions something I am making irrationally. I give grace, but I refuse to live with abuse in any form.
Now, I realize that in a work situation or professional relationship, it isn't that easy. And you can't exactly yell at someone telling them that their "style" is really hurting your working relationship. I've been there. I completely get that one. It definitely feels like more and more "leaders" are not exactly leading anymore, they are attacking or dictating from on high. I've watched managers berate people, put them down, cause them grief simply because they can. I've witnessed rudeness to peers and subordinates that makes my brain do flip flops trying to understand it all.
I've watched the woman that leads the aqua therapy at the VA treat veterans in her care with a harsh and uncaring manner. I can't even say bordering on rudeness, she is flat out horrible to them. Not only are these men and women veterans that served their country thanklessly, they are also the reason that she has a job. One for which she doesn't seem very grateful.
My question is why? What is triggering these actions. The hatefulness is exhausting. It keeps everyone in a state of defense and no one is communicating or working together. Is that the plan? To just divide us all on every level? To keep our amygdala's in an constant state of hijack where we no longer have the ability to be civil and caring to one another? Does that attitude make them feel better about themselves? Are the people losing control of themselves even aware of the shotgun effect of their actions and words? Do they care?
I pray that I am not doing that to others. I pray that when my amygdala gets hijacked that I am able to always step away and recenter myself. This weekend, I knew it was entirely a me thing, I knew it was my past pains and hurts stepping forward to steal center stage. Stupid. Yes, an entirely human response. Once I was able to sort out why I reacted the way I did, I was able to move forward. Sometimes innocent comments can cause those emotions. How we react is the difference. If I had exploded in anger or been petty, those would not have been appropriate and would have escalated a nothing into a something.
It feels like a lot of people these days are escalating that nothing. And the something is getting uglier by the moment. I'm watching things that literally break my heart. People that I would have described as caring, honest, even nurturing are showing a side that is just plain gross. People from another lifetime, people I respected, that inspired me. I am watching them destroy others in a quest I can't understand. Nothing in this world is worth anything if it has to have destruction of another to achieve it.
I don't have answers. Only observations that cause me to stop and ponder. It's easier from the outside. Most of what I am watching is heartbreaking. I truly have no solutions. Only questions.
I will keep doing my best to offer hope, love, encouragement. I don't want to fight someone else's amygdala. Heck I have enough trouble keeping my own in check. A very long time ago I was assigned to read a book "Switch: How to change when change is hard" by Chip Heath. I only vaguely paid attention, because honestly I hate being assigned to do just about anything. The bits I did read really stuck with me, and I should probably revisit it, because I think it is valuable, especially in this time we are living in, in a way I didn't understand back then. Says the woman that just dug out her Nook and put it on charge - hopefully it still works it's been in the cupboard for years....
Wow, I have definitely rattled on today, I am guessing things are making me a bit frazzled around the edges and I'm not in the thick of it. I'm going to continue doing the best I can to help everyone around me get into a calmer spot, a slower space. I'm going to continue to encourage everyone to step back. Shut off the television, the computer, the phone. Remember the 80's and before. Go outside, breath fresh air (okay now I know I'm frazzled) and simply be. Smell some spices. Dig into some of those granny/grandpa skills and hobbies, and if you've forgotten them, maybe it's time to get back in touch with them. Remind yourself...
The laundry is wrapping up, there are a few more chores to deal with and then I intend to focus in on things that will get us closer to plan. What does your day look like, how are you reconnecting?
much love,
b
