regrets?

There is a beautiful soft breeze blowing through the house, the sun is shining and it's nice and cool.  This is how springtime should be in my book. It's been a busy couple of weeks and I am flat out tired.  Like roll up the streets, dim the lights and call it a day.  Sadly, that isn't going to happen.  And it's far too late in the day to consider laying down for a quick nap.  So, I guess I'm just going to power through.  Although I am also going to sit here for a bit and rest.  

Do you have a lot of regrets in your life?  I spent time pondering that, among other things today, as I worked through my list of things to do.  I've really struggled lately with keeping up and these past few days I have been laser focused on getting things done.  One of the things I have been really diving into today while I was busy making soap, was about regrets.  Well, actually, one thought lead to another and so on and so on, the regrets conversation was the last one I ended up on as I was making the last batch of soap and finishing up my chores. 

I don't really have many regrets, I've always been the kind of person that considers things that didn't turn out quite like I expected as a learning experience.  I've always looked at things to see what I could learn from them.  So they aren't really regrets.  Except for one thing.  I can't go back and change it, and altering it in my life now doesn't change it either.  I would have loved to have lived my life to stay home and raise my own babies.  

I deeply regret all the jobs I had to take instead of the having that time with my kiddo's.  There were windows of time where I worked two or three to supplement our income, being a military wife meant you rarely got the seniority that would bring good raises.  I often wonder if they know how deeply cherished they are and that I would have worked around the clock to provide for them, but desperately wanted to just be home rocking my babies. That is my regret, that is probably my greatest heartbreak, and it is why I do anything I can to be there for my kiddo's and my grands. And it's also probably a big contributing factor to why my pups are so spoiled. 

I mean they get to have play dates!

What led me to that question was a winding trail that started with my mentally going over all the work of the past couple of weeks.  I am so thankful to be able to simply take care of my Hubs, my Pups, my home and yard.  I love being a homemaker.  I was pondering why they were ever able to convince women that they had greater value as an employee for someone else. 

This of course led me to my current aches and pains from getting the garden planted, moving dirt and putting out so much grass seed, cooking meals, making soap, doing laundry (oh wait that one hasn't happened this week).  Yesterday I spent over 5 hours taking care of the yard and garden.  Planting tomatoes, beans and peppers, harvesting lettuce and adding flowers to random pots to bring the pollinators into the garden.  Carrying dirt and compost up and down stairs and supplementing with egg shells, Epsom salts and the like. Repairing beds and trellises and adding lights to the yard.  So much needed done, and I am still not finished. 

Today, all these thoughts started creeping in at about hour 4 of soaping and doing chores.  I might love doing things in a far more "old fashioned way", I know that I thrive on knowing I am doing the best I can for my family, eliminating chemicals and the like.  I also know that there is no way on earth that I have it as tough as my ancestors did.  As I was using my little electric floor cleaner, instead of a traditional mop and bucket I started to really notice the time savings. When I started mixing the first batch of soap, I was finding myself feeling beyond grateful for the microwave that I heat my oils in and my immersion blender that is used to mix it all together in moments not long minutes.  The longest part of soaping for me is waiting for things to cool to temperature.

Mom... my treat ball is empty...

I pondered how women of old must have been so bone weary all the time.  I also gave credit to how their work load probably kept them in better shape than this woman is currently in.  Or maybe it didn't.  Maybe it caused premature aging and wearing out of the body.  I didn't really go too far down that path of inquiry. 

I just paused to go and pull the brownies that I made for tonight's dessert out of the oven, as I was coming back in, I thought about how helpful that tool is too.  No adding logs to keep it at the right temperature, no constant minding it. 

I am sure so many of our modern tools made the idea of going to work and bringing home a paycheck seem like an incredible opportunity.  Freedom even.  I can appreciate the sense of stability it brought to be able to not only contribute, but to be able to take care of yourself if need be. 

I get it, really I do.  But so much got lost on that journey to independence.  At least for me.  I don't begrudge anyone following their dreams.  I don't feel any of us need to be cookie cutter.  For me, it was a loss I can never bring back, those choices of long ago definitely had ripples into now. 

Yup, I find myself going down some interesting thought paths while I am puttering away at my daily lists.  I am thankful for the life I live now, I am blessed.  I cherish taking the time to do the things, not squeezing them into my little moments of free time.  But I do get tired.  My muscles hurt.  The arthritis I've had most of my life barks at me at the most inopportune times. And yet, I am happy. 

Tonight the girls will come for dinner, I can't wait to serve them a nice schnitzel dinner, to chat with them and spend time laughing and savoring the moments.  I wish my boy was close enough to join, sadly he's not.  I miss him being near, last night as I made my tea in the cup he bought me years ago (I save it only for tea at night, I never want anything to happen to it) I thought about him again, missed him more and sent him a small note.  He's busy living his life, but I always want him to know I think of him.  It's easier with the girls, they live close, I can drop everything and do something with them, I can't do that with my boy.  Hopefully, they all realize that I would do anything for each of them. 

One of my greatest treasures...

Yep, I have one regret, but I've also learned so much from it.  From all of them.  So... what about it, do you have any regrets?