regrets?

There is a beautiful soft breeze blowing through the house, the sun is shining and it's nice and cool.  This is how springtime should be in my book. It's been a busy couple of weeks and I am flat out tired.  Like roll up the streets, dim the lights and call it a day.  Sadly, that isn't going to happen.  And it's far too late in the day to consider laying down for a quick nap.  So, I guess I'm just going to power through.  Although I am also going to sit here for a bit and rest.  

Do you have a lot of regrets in your life?  I spent time pondering that, among other things today, as I worked through my list of things to do.  I've really struggled lately with keeping up and these past few days I have been laser focused on getting things done.  One of the things I have been really diving into today while I was busy making soap, was about regrets.  Well, actually, one thought lead to another and so on and so on, the regrets conversation was the last one I ended up on as I was making the last batch of soap and finishing up my chores. 

I don't really have many regrets, I've always been the kind of person that considers things that didn't turn out quite like I expected as a learning experience.  I've always looked at things to see what I could learn from them.  So they aren't really regrets.  Except for one thing.  I can't go back and change it, and altering it in my life now doesn't change it either.  I would have loved to have lived my life to stay home and raise my own babies.  

I deeply regret all the jobs I had to take instead of the having that time with my kiddo's.  There were windows of time where I worked two or three to supplement our income, being a military wife meant you rarely got the seniority that would bring good raises.  I often wonder if they know how deeply cherished they are and that I would have worked around the clock to provide for them, but desperately wanted to just be home rocking my babies. That is my regret, that is probably my greatest heartbreak, and it is why I do anything I can to be there for my kiddo's and my grands. And it's also probably a big contributing factor to why my pups are so spoiled. 

I mean they get to have play dates!

What led me to that question was a winding trail that started with my mentally going over all the work of the past couple of weeks.  I am so thankful to be able to simply take care of my Hubs, my Pups, my home and yard.  I love being a homemaker.  I was pondering why they were ever able to convince women that they had greater value as an employee for someone else. 

This of course led me to my current aches and pains from getting the garden planted, moving dirt and putting out so much grass seed, cooking meals, making soap, doing laundry (oh wait that one hasn't happened this week).  Yesterday I spent over 5 hours taking care of the yard and garden.  Planting tomatoes, beans and peppers, harvesting lettuce and adding flowers to random pots to bring the pollinators into the garden.  Carrying dirt and compost up and down stairs and supplementing with egg shells, Epsom salts and the like. Repairing beds and trellises and adding lights to the yard.  So much needed done, and I am still not finished. 

Today, all these thoughts started creeping in at about hour 4 of soaping and doing chores.  I might love doing things in a far more "old fashioned way", I know that I thrive on knowing I am doing the best I can for my family, eliminating chemicals and the like.  I also know that there is no way on earth that I have it as tough as my ancestors did.  As I was using my little electric floor cleaner, instead of a traditional mop and bucket I started to really notice the time savings. When I started mixing the first batch of soap, I was finding myself feeling beyond grateful for the microwave that I heat my oils in and my immersion blender that is used to mix it all together in moments not long minutes.  The longest part of soaping for me is waiting for things to cool to temperature.

Mom... my treat ball is empty...

I pondered how women of old must have been so bone weary all the time.  I also gave credit to how their work load probably kept them in better shape than this woman is currently in.  Or maybe it didn't.  Maybe it caused premature aging and wearing out of the body.  I didn't really go too far down that path of inquiry. 

I just paused to go and pull the brownies that I made for tonight's dessert out of the oven, as I was coming back in, I thought about how helpful that tool is too.  No adding logs to keep it at the right temperature, no constant minding it. 

I am sure so many of our modern tools made the idea of going to work and bringing home a paycheck seem like an incredible opportunity.  Freedom even.  I can appreciate the sense of stability it brought to be able to not only contribute, but to be able to take care of yourself if need be. 

I get it, really I do.  But so much got lost on that journey to independence.  At least for me.  I don't begrudge anyone following their dreams.  I don't feel any of us need to be cookie cutter.  For me, it was a loss I can never bring back, those choices of long ago definitely had ripples into now. 

Yup, I find myself going down some interesting thought paths while I am puttering away at my daily lists.  I am thankful for the life I live now, I am blessed.  I cherish taking the time to do the things, not squeezing them into my little moments of free time.  But I do get tired.  My muscles hurt.  The arthritis I've had most of my life barks at me at the most inopportune times. And yet, I am happy. 

Tonight the girls will come for dinner, I can't wait to serve them a nice schnitzel dinner, to chat with them and spend time laughing and savoring the moments.  I wish my boy was close enough to join, sadly he's not.  I miss him being near, last night as I made my tea in the cup he bought me years ago (I save it only for tea at night, I never want anything to happen to it) I thought about him again, missed him more and sent him a small note.  He's busy living his life, but I always want him to know I think of him.  It's easier with the girls, they live close, I can drop everything and do something with them, I can't do that with my boy.  Hopefully, they all realize that I would do anything for each of them. 

One of my greatest treasures...

Yep, I have one regret, but I've also learned so much from it.  From all of them.  So... what about it, do you have any regrets?

another day...

What a difference 24 hours can make. Yesterday the world was a strange green, wet and raining.  The only sound in the morning was the rolling thunder and occasional lightening bolts. I started to write at least a dozen times, but yesterday was simply not a participation day.  I'm hoping it was the turning point on this mess with my face, as it's now transitioned past no feeling to lots of feeling, none of it pleasant.  I chose to rest yesterday, hoping it would make it less.  

I don't know if it was the rest or if it is the fact that I woke up to sunshine and birds chirping, but today is better.  Either way, today feels like I will participate. How much remains to be seen, but I will participate. As usual, I have way too many things I want to accomplish and a finite amount of time and energy to accomplish them. 

The extra oils I needed for soaping have arrived, they are currently sitting on the counter mocking me.  I really want to get a few made up today, so I might chose the easiest ones and tackle those.  Hubs is almost out of shaving soap and then I need to get with it on the ones that have to cure for so long.  

a bit of brightness in the dreary

I should go out and do some yard work, but it's supposed to be nice all weekend, so I think I will hold off for another day.  The headache this mess causes is quite wonderful in magnitude and I don't really want to invite it back. 

I still have a stack of quilting projects to finish and to start and Hubs and I decided to do another crafting show next month.  I am also longing to make several barn quilts to hang on my backyard gates.  They are so plain and barren looking, I am longing for vibrant colors and beauty. And I still haven't built the frame I want to make to try weaving rugs.  

Do you spy my Beau, 
bathing in the sunshine?

I love his big yawns!

I finally finished a full bobbin of yarn the other day, sitting peacefully in the backyard with an ever changing variety of pups for company.  I haven't spun a full bobbin in years.  Literally.  I had stopped because of the pain from my knee and fear of it returning.  My sweet spinning wheel has now been thoroughly cleaned and oiled and is ready for another round. I even pulled out my niddy noddy so that I could skein it up. 

Not bad for a refresher yarn. 
It's so soft. 

It's so nice when the pups have a play day with Piper.  It's so good for all of them, watching them moving all around the house and the yard, circling me while I sit on the deck.  I might spend time sitting in the sunshine and spinning again today, peaceful and productive.  

Piper is right at home napping the afternoon away

I am going to get Piper shortly and she and Belle seem to really enjoy following one another around and curling up in the sunshine together.  Both of them acting for all the world like the queens they are. My Beau just plays for a bit then heads up to stretch out under a ceiling fan and relax. Hubs and I both noted that the pups seem to sleep better when Piper is here and they don't chill all day. I end up laughing when Hubs returns home and all three of them are excited to see him.  It didn't take our little friend long to discover that he is the ultimate treat dealer. 

Yup, treat dealer...

Today we are still clinging to the wonderful mild temperatures of spring.  Something we had lost for a few years.  The rains, while intense and seemingly extreme, are truly the same ones we used to always have as we celebrated the April showers bringing May flowers.  For the first time in years it feels like the ground is actually saturated, not just damp on the surface as the water rushes to the sewer drains. I am enjoying this spring.  It feels extended and beautiful.  Mild. Welcome. 

I did notice there were a couple of 80° and 90° days lingering on the extended forecast for next week.  I'm not sure I'm really ready for that, but I will welcome it.  My gardens and grass need the sun and heat as much as the rains. 

As I read back over this, my rambling thoughts always overtake me, I realize that no one will ever be able to accuse me of having idle hands, the devil can just pass on by.  Idle isn't my theme, over stimulated and chaotic maybe, but never idle.  I simply don't slow down well.  

my sweet Hubs can make me smile

I guess I'd better stop rambling, I need to get a auction basket ready for the Vets group tomorrow and then... well I guess that is when I will decide what to tackle next.  Any guesses?

percentages...

I'm guessing the universe is trying to slow me down for some reason. Only 5 - 10 % of folks that get bells palsy, ever get it again.  Last Thursday, I was gifted round two.  For Christmas I was given the left side of my face and April showers might have brought May flowers - nope the deer keep eating them, but it also brought me the gift of a paralyzed right side of my face.  Yup feeling that face plant emoji about now.  

Even my doc was a bit surprised, said he'd never encountered someone getting it on both sides within 4 months.  So tons of blood work and tests later and all I conclusively know is that I am a rather rare individual and they have no idea what's caused it. Lovely! Thankfully, I know approximately how long it will last and what to expect.  I guess that is something to be thankful for.  But seriously, a girl needs hot coffee and drinking that with half of your face not cooperating, well, it's definitely risky business. 

So now, I am bouncing in and out of life, not really doing much.  Trying not to sleep my life away due to the two medications they are trying this round and honestly feeling a little fussy. If I talk to much or too loudly, I start sounding like I've been drinking for days.  I can't be anywhere loud because that is just an insane amount of pain, as it causes an incredible sensitivity to different tones. Ugghhhhh.... 

I don't do still well, I don't do rest well.  I am not okay.  Okay, I'm done whining.  And I am actually laughing at myself a lot more than it sounds.  

So remember I was talking about the things in our DNA and how do we remember things we've never personally experienced?  Ironically, while killing 2 hours waiting to be seen by the doctor I was scrolling through my emails, and I got an update on my Ancestry traits.  Usually I ignore them, honestly I have found everything I was interested in finding and don't tend to pay much attention any longer.  But I was bored, so why not.  I almost fell out laughing.  Evidently, according to their studies and information... I have only got a 7% chance of being someone that will do artistic things.  

guess I didn't pay attention

It completely cracked me up.  Because I come from a long line of very creative people and my daughter and grands are very artistic also.  The irony was completely not lost on me.  Especially as I had just finished questioning DNA's role in things. 

I don't put much faith in their traits feature, mainly because almost everyone they have said applies to me does not.  So I guess I like low percentages. It also means it's just another example of how I have little faith in things I read.  I go by experiences and gut instinct mostly.  

So while I am "lounging" gahhhh I hate that word.  I am facilitating puppy playtime.  The pup's new friend has been coming over during the day while her mommy is at work.  She gets to not be lonely and they get to have a greater opportunity to socialize.  Win/win.  At first it was a bit hairy.  Piper is a good bit older than they are and has been an only for about a year or so.  Now... we nap together, play together and spend time outside together.  It's pretty funny to watch.  It's getting so comfortable, that Beau even went for his afternoon nap without the need to know what was going on.  

It's good for all of them and it gives me a chance to slow down and laugh. Watching Piper blend right in with Beau and Belle is fun, and it's crazy how much she looks like part of the same litter.  Heck she's not even from the same state. Guess it's a small world all around. 

As I can almost blink again, it's not so painful to look at a computer screen, so I am able to at least spend time writing, hopefully tomorrow I will be able to tackle more of the stuff that is lingering.  It's not really an over all pain, just the eye and ear, but it is definitely not uncomfortable.  So I have been being a bit of a wimp.  I'm not even 60 yet, these strange maladies need to slow their roll.  I'm getting a bit annoyed with the surprises. 

Guess it's a good time to plan a few camping trips and get signed up for our sites.  Hubs and I are planning to hit a few of the local state parks this year, spend more time outside, breathing fresh air, walking the pups and relaxing.  Last year kind of got hijacked, so we are working on a plot twist for this year. 

For now, I will get back to wandering my house aimlessly, wanting to do something, annoyed to be inconvenienced and trying to respect the lesson that is being taught. Or maybe just to figure out what it is. 

love and peace, b

is it in the DNA?

The rain stopped somewhere in the middle of the night, all that remains is the lingering dampness and the deep dreary cloud cover. The kind that says "maybe I'll downpour, maybe I won't... I'll get back to you on it." It's going to be a slow kind of day today.  The kind of day that beckons you to curl up with a good book or maybe take a nap. A reminder to slow down, to spend time taking care of yourself. Too bad I'm not a fan of napping and I spend far too many lost hours in books and reading. Today for me is a day to sew.

I'd forgotten that I'd promised to remake Hubs' housecoat that I'd made him, I used the wrong pattern at Christmas and it was a bit on the small side.  He wants one that is longer and bigger around, so it is more like a giant blanket than a robe. I have everything I need, I simply forgot to do it.  When a project lingers longer than a week or two, I definitely need a reminder to do it.  By the time he comes home, he will have a comfy, oversized robe to snuggle up in.  Something to protect him from the chill that comes with this much rain and the lingering dampness.

dang that looks long from this angle

I'd started to cut it out yesterday, so I only had a few bits to finish this morning. I'd stopped for several reasons, mostly it was the knowledge that if I put an extension leaf in the table it would be much easier to handle. And I wasn't in the right mindset to tackle that yesterday. At all!

As I was gathering everything up to cut it out, I discovered that my pattern was tattered and needed repair, and while gently pressing and creating the missing pieces I was struggling to understand why I was so reluctant to sew. I love sewing, but my mojo has been missing for over a month now.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. The last time that I had sat down to sew, not helped the Dragon or a quick repair, was the day Beau had his breakthrough seizure. I'm pretty sure on some deep level, I was afraid of a repeat. I can get kind of hung up on things like that.

This morning, as I was gently using my hands to smooth and press the soft layers of flannel together, I found myself lost in thought. Where did this knowledge come from? Heck, where did any of the knowledge of things I seem to simply "know" how to do come from?

Is it passed down from some deep pool of familial DNA? They claim to have proven that every woman born carries the cells of their maternal ancestry. Do those cells also carry the knowledge from generation to generation? I promise you that I did not learn to sewing in Home Economics class. Oh, don't get me wrong, I was shown the basics, but I was not the type of student that had the patience to listen for long. That is still how I function. Let me dig in, don't sit and talk at me. I assure you I will have tuned out in the first 5 minutes. My brain has already started sorting the project out without you.

As I slid the pins in, it seemed like something I have always known. Now, in all fairness I have been sewing - my first love, since I was in school... so we can safely say at least 45 to 50 years (cripes that is terrifying!), but lessons are not something I ever took. I don't have the ability to focus that long.

I don't tend to make clothing any longer, although I am very capable. There was a time I made most of my clothing and my kiddos. But somewhere along the line the cost of the patterns, then the fabrics, sky rocketed. It was no longer the least expensive way to have nice clothing. I have made wedding gowns, bridesmaid dresses, heck I even got coaxed into making a flamenco ball gown once. True fact - I despise working with boning and taffeta fabric. One of my favorite work "suits" from decades ago was made out of a beautiful navy wool. I wore it forever.

Again, as the prices soared and my spare time decreased, I fell into the habit of buying today's disposable clothing. Although, I am that person that keeps things for years and years. I have sweaters older than my children. I will mend and alter something until it barely resembles it's original self.

So lets go back to my original question, where does that almost innate knowledge come from? Are we all born remembering bits and pieces from the past? Do we each receive our own special mix of past knowledge that we are then given free will to do with as we please? Is that why I am drawn to creating? I use so many mediums, and I am never content to stay in one lane. Even now I am fighting an overwhelming (and I believe soon to be lost) battle to build a frame to make rugs out of scraps. Every time I turn around there is another pull to do this.

It doesn't mean I am giving up any of my other passions, just adding to the mix.

Do I have a pool of genes that are causing me to be driven to be self-sufficient? Is that why I do the things I do? Would it be quicker and easier to pick things up at the store. Yup. Of course it would. But where is the satisfaction in that? I don't want to be all the same. I don't want to trust others that my food is safe. I don't want to lose the skills that seem to always be right there when I need them.

I remember the sweet woman that taught me at the farmers market to use a drop spindle. I remember hearing her tell me that I must have been born with the skill as I was a natural. I was surprised at how easily it came to me. I'd always been drawn to it, but had never even attempted it. And there she was, offering to show everyone interested how to use it, how to create with it, right in my path as I was browsing for fresh vegetables. I left with a new spindle and roving, forgetting the veggies altogether.

I have friends and family that are incredible hunters, fishermen/women, their gardens are incredible, they have awesome skills with mechanical things, builders, medicinal, some are naturals with animals, amazing with numbers and math, etc... are those skills that they inherited along the way?

When I was in school I could not have cared less about being there. It wasn't my thing. I wasn't even very social, my "group" of friends was small and most I have long since lost touch with. My mind was a million miles away, except in history or art based classes (those always held my attention) at least until a teacher spent far too much time explaining rules and far too little time doing. If I started doodling, it was a great indication that I had tuned out. I was also that kid that never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. Lord almighty more than a few teachers and counselors would make me crazy asking that question.

Me. That is what I wanted to be. Simply me. The person that now, at almost 60, I have become. The person that is free to follow the dozens of ideas that pop into my head on a daily basis. The woman that sees something beautiful and wants to dive in and experiment with the process. The person that has tons of knowledge without understanding the root of it, simply dying to try it all, immediately.

I don't know if I will ever know where the knowledge, ideas and drive comes from, but I am so thankful to possess it. To have been gifted with these treasures.

Thanks for walking in my crazy, random thoughts and questions. I may never be a master at anything I do, but I am so thankful for the journey and opportunity to explore them all. Aren't you glad you aren't my sweet Hubs? The man that feeds my insatiable quest to learn, do and create? He deserves a medal!

my co-conspirator in all I do!

Time to sew, he also needs a nice cozy, custom made robe....

love and peace, b