seclusion...

It's just a touch past 8 am... I already feel like I've put in a full day's work.  This heatwave (better known as summer in the mid-west) is in full force.  The humidity is unreal, making it seem far hotter than it really is.  I get up super early all the time, it's who I am.  During the season of ick, better known as summer around these parts it is a pure blessing.  I accomplish all of my outside tasks in the early morning coolness as the sun just starts to lighten the skies.

I have one set of garden beds that are still drinking in the semi-cool water, I'm giving that one a few more minutes than the rest.  My poor hydrangeas are seriously protesting this season, longing for the cool, wetness of spring time.  They are being complete drama queens, laying down each afternoon in complete surrender, offering up their tender leaves to the heat of the afternoon.  Pleading for an extra pitcher of water to quench their dire thirst.  Only to be fresh and beautiful in the morning light. 

Will the pretty blue make it... not this year.

Yesterday was spent in the kitchen, we'd picked up 20 lbs of Georgia peaches and 10 lbs of Washington cherries over the weekend and I needed to process them all. I still have about 5 lbs of peaches to go, but they are destined for a few cobblers and any that are left will be canned or freeze dried to savor later in the year when they are not readily available, we'll be able to open and enjoy a taste of summer.  

I've been experimenting with my freeze dryer, having moved on from making candies for the kiddo's.  Now its fruits and veggies.  I've fallen in love with freeze dried fruits, the intensity of them is unreal.  There is a batch of peaches in there right now, and cherries are on trays in the freezers waiting their turn.  If you have never tried freeze dried cherries, I highly recommend them! I started on the fruit journey a few weeks ago, when my dear friend and I crazily decided to go blueberry picking.  Over 11 pounds of fresh blueberries later, I definitely had to do something before they went bad.  Next I'm hoping to try some veggies, I've heard they are the most delicious chips when done correctly.  True veggie chips... 

This season has brought me another precious surprise, my Rose of Sharon is finally in full bloom again.  As I stood there in the quiet watering it this morning, I was remembering the first time I knew what it's name was and how much I treasure it.  My oldest and closest friend was here for my 50th birthday, and as we stood outside she told me what it was.  The next summer my grandson damaged all of them while trying to remove the honeysuckle that was taking over everything on the hillside.  I feared they would never return.

For years I've had a random bloom here, a random one there, but never a full covering of the beautiful flowers.  This year is different.  This year is brilliant. I just wish I could photograph it for you to enjoy, sadly, there are so many trees behind it that it fades into the background. I would love to have even more of them, anyone ever successfully grown one from seed?

skeeter plant anyone?

chocolate cherry tomatoes
maybe by July 4 

the holy basil is incredible this year
may be able to harvest for teas

I've really been wrapped up in my garden, yard and house this year.  I've felt a strong need to simply be.  I'm not engaging in much.  I'll glance at the news and socials off and on, but mostly I'm not.  I feel like so much is playing out all around us and I don't want to participate. 

Maybe that is selfish, I'm not sure.  Maybe it is more a case of self-preservation. I'm tried of the ugly, the insanity, everywhere.  I hardly go out and about because it is like a blanket over humanity.  I'm tired. 

I took the youngest grand to the pool the other day. I walked in circles in the lazy river, following her ever bobbing head as she stayed just ahead of me, I was subjected to so much taking place all around me. I was stunned.  The conversations, loud and obnoxious were distasteful.  The ugly was strong.  

I watched so many parents/grand parents... who knows maybe babysitters or siblings, show up with kiddo's not much older than our dragon.  They would put their stuff on a chair, tell the kids to go play and sit down with their phones, never once reengaging with their children.  I watched kids longing for attention, doing everything they could to get some.  It was heart breaking. Because when the cute stuff didn't work, they settled for bad and mean, anything to get the person ignoring them to have to engage. 

Waiting in line for her snack, we were forced to listen to a high school boy, intent on "impressing" the bikini clad girl.  The profanity in the midst of all the kids was so intense, he loudly vocalized thoughts on maintaining a job - disheartening, what girls wanted in a guy (he has a lot to learn I'm afraid), how school was a waste of time (hmmmm), and on and on, it was a long wait in the direct sun.  It was so bad that dragon asked to go play in the water nearby and she would come back when I got closer.  

There is just so much that is overwhelming.  I understand that things change, that each generation has to find their own rhythm and make their own rules, but dang... Young man, just showing up and doing as little as possible, is probably not going to move you forward to self sufficiency, especially since you feel that an employer cannot fire you as long as you are simply there.  

I often tell Hubs that it is our generations fault.  He's a boomer, I'm the first of Gen X.  We were the ones with the super strict parents, with good reason, but who can see that as a kid?  We were the original latch key kids, the ones that made our own way, as long as we were home when Dad whistled and those street lights came on. We rebelled, we didn't want that for our kids.  Hmmmm... wondering now if a bit of restraint in that area would have been good.  

a little nap on the ride home...

It all moves in cycles, the weather, growth of people, decline of people, money, economies, governments, education, the list is quite endless.  We are going through a very interesting time.  I'm sure we survive it, I'm sure we find commonalities and the like.  I guess I am becoming an old woman (yikes, I actually had the young kid at the pool tell me I was a senior the other day, I am still over a month from 60 thank you very much). 

For now, I feel strangely drawn to the peace I find in my own little spot in the world. Time with Hubs, chattering about hopes, dreams and plans. Puttering in the gardens, saving seeds for the next season.  Spending hours working on quilts and other art projects, feathering my nest with beauty. Spending time in person or on the phone with dear friends.  My life is full.  I don't need the chaos of the external world.

Before the summer is over, I hope to make a few barn quilts, I want to hang them on my backyard gates.  Slowly but surely we are creating a peaceful, sanctuary/outside living room on the lower patio.  Some of the work will wait until it cools in early fall.  

Now that the grass and flowers are growing where the Bradford pear tree used to stand, it's so enjoyable to sit down there. Once the temperatures chill off a bit, we will build a lattice wall to grow some clematis on. The one thing we've noticed is that in removing the trees we have forsaken a great deal of privacy.  A living wall will be beautiful. I may even paint a few smaller barn quilts to hang on the concrete walls, although I would truly love to paint the walls, the concrete is simply ugly. 

Ahhh... plans. 

Since Hubs is not home for lunch today, I'm going to plant up the planter he just got me and head up to the sewing room for a few hours.  I have a lot I want to accomplish and this brutal heat is definitely leading me inside to hide. 

I hope you are finding the pure beauty in your lives....

love and prayers, b

regrets?

There is a beautiful soft breeze blowing through the house, the sun is shining and it's nice and cool.  This is how springtime should be in my book. It's been a busy couple of weeks and I am flat out tired.  Like roll up the streets, dim the lights and call it a day.  Sadly, that isn't going to happen.  And it's far too late in the day to consider laying down for a quick nap.  So, I guess I'm just going to power through.  Although I am also going to sit here for a bit and rest.  

Do you have a lot of regrets in your life?  I spent time pondering that, among other things today, as I worked through my list of things to do.  I've really struggled lately with keeping up and these past few days I have been laser focused on getting things done.  One of the things I have been really diving into today while I was busy making soap, was about regrets.  Well, actually, one thought lead to another and so on and so on, the regrets conversation was the last one I ended up on as I was making the last batch of soap and finishing up my chores. 

I don't really have many regrets, I've always been the kind of person that considers things that didn't turn out quite like I expected as a learning experience.  I've always looked at things to see what I could learn from them.  So they aren't really regrets.  Except for one thing.  I can't go back and change it, and altering it in my life now doesn't change it either.  I would have loved to have lived my life to stay home and raise my own babies.  

I deeply regret all the jobs I had to take instead of the having that time with my kiddo's.  There were windows of time where I worked two or three to supplement our income, being a military wife meant you rarely got the seniority that would bring good raises.  I often wonder if they know how deeply cherished they are and that I would have worked around the clock to provide for them, but desperately wanted to just be home rocking my babies. That is my regret, that is probably my greatest heartbreak, and it is why I do anything I can to be there for my kiddo's and my grands. And it's also probably a big contributing factor to why my pups are so spoiled. 

I mean they get to have play dates!

What led me to that question was a winding trail that started with my mentally going over all the work of the past couple of weeks.  I am so thankful to be able to simply take care of my Hubs, my Pups, my home and yard.  I love being a homemaker.  I was pondering why they were ever able to convince women that they had greater value as an employee for someone else. 

This of course led me to my current aches and pains from getting the garden planted, moving dirt and putting out so much grass seed, cooking meals, making soap, doing laundry (oh wait that one hasn't happened this week).  Yesterday I spent over 5 hours taking care of the yard and garden.  Planting tomatoes, beans and peppers, harvesting lettuce and adding flowers to random pots to bring the pollinators into the garden.  Carrying dirt and compost up and down stairs and supplementing with egg shells, Epsom salts and the like. Repairing beds and trellises and adding lights to the yard.  So much needed done, and I am still not finished. 

Today, all these thoughts started creeping in at about hour 4 of soaping and doing chores.  I might love doing things in a far more "old fashioned way", I know that I thrive on knowing I am doing the best I can for my family, eliminating chemicals and the like.  I also know that there is no way on earth that I have it as tough as my ancestors did.  As I was using my little electric floor cleaner, instead of a traditional mop and bucket I started to really notice the time savings. When I started mixing the first batch of soap, I was finding myself feeling beyond grateful for the microwave that I heat my oils in and my immersion blender that is used to mix it all together in moments not long minutes.  The longest part of soaping for me is waiting for things to cool to temperature.

Mom... my treat ball is empty...

I pondered how women of old must have been so bone weary all the time.  I also gave credit to how their work load probably kept them in better shape than this woman is currently in.  Or maybe it didn't.  Maybe it caused premature aging and wearing out of the body.  I didn't really go too far down that path of inquiry. 

I just paused to go and pull the brownies that I made for tonight's dessert out of the oven, as I was coming back in, I thought about how helpful that tool is too.  No adding logs to keep it at the right temperature, no constant minding it. 

I am sure so many of our modern tools made the idea of going to work and bringing home a paycheck seem like an incredible opportunity.  Freedom even.  I can appreciate the sense of stability it brought to be able to not only contribute, but to be able to take care of yourself if need be. 

I get it, really I do.  But so much got lost on that journey to independence.  At least for me.  I don't begrudge anyone following their dreams.  I don't feel any of us need to be cookie cutter.  For me, it was a loss I can never bring back, those choices of long ago definitely had ripples into now. 

Yup, I find myself going down some interesting thought paths while I am puttering away at my daily lists.  I am thankful for the life I live now, I am blessed.  I cherish taking the time to do the things, not squeezing them into my little moments of free time.  But I do get tired.  My muscles hurt.  The arthritis I've had most of my life barks at me at the most inopportune times. And yet, I am happy. 

Tonight the girls will come for dinner, I can't wait to serve them a nice schnitzel dinner, to chat with them and spend time laughing and savoring the moments.  I wish my boy was close enough to join, sadly he's not.  I miss him being near, last night as I made my tea in the cup he bought me years ago (I save it only for tea at night, I never want anything to happen to it) I thought about him again, missed him more and sent him a small note.  He's busy living his life, but I always want him to know I think of him.  It's easier with the girls, they live close, I can drop everything and do something with them, I can't do that with my boy.  Hopefully, they all realize that I would do anything for each of them. 

One of my greatest treasures...

Yep, I have one regret, but I've also learned so much from it.  From all of them.  So... what about it, do you have any regrets?

another day...

What a difference 24 hours can make. Yesterday the world was a strange green, wet and raining.  The only sound in the morning was the rolling thunder and occasional lightening bolts. I started to write at least a dozen times, but yesterday was simply not a participation day.  I'm hoping it was the turning point on this mess with my face, as it's now transitioned past no feeling to lots of feeling, none of it pleasant.  I chose to rest yesterday, hoping it would make it less.  

I don't know if it was the rest or if it is the fact that I woke up to sunshine and birds chirping, but today is better.  Either way, today feels like I will participate. How much remains to be seen, but I will participate. As usual, I have way too many things I want to accomplish and a finite amount of time and energy to accomplish them. 

The extra oils I needed for soaping have arrived, they are currently sitting on the counter mocking me.  I really want to get a few made up today, so I might chose the easiest ones and tackle those.  Hubs is almost out of shaving soap and then I need to get with it on the ones that have to cure for so long.  

a bit of brightness in the dreary

I should go out and do some yard work, but it's supposed to be nice all weekend, so I think I will hold off for another day.  The headache this mess causes is quite wonderful in magnitude and I don't really want to invite it back. 

I still have a stack of quilting projects to finish and to start and Hubs and I decided to do another crafting show next month.  I am also longing to make several barn quilts to hang on my backyard gates.  They are so plain and barren looking, I am longing for vibrant colors and beauty. And I still haven't built the frame I want to make to try weaving rugs.  

Do you spy my Beau, 
bathing in the sunshine?

I love his big yawns!

I finally finished a full bobbin of yarn the other day, sitting peacefully in the backyard with an ever changing variety of pups for company.  I haven't spun a full bobbin in years.  Literally.  I had stopped because of the pain from my knee and fear of it returning.  My sweet spinning wheel has now been thoroughly cleaned and oiled and is ready for another round. I even pulled out my niddy noddy so that I could skein it up. 

Not bad for a refresher yarn. 
It's so soft. 

It's so nice when the pups have a play day with Piper.  It's so good for all of them, watching them moving all around the house and the yard, circling me while I sit on the deck.  I might spend time sitting in the sunshine and spinning again today, peaceful and productive.  

Piper is right at home napping the afternoon away

I am going to get Piper shortly and she and Belle seem to really enjoy following one another around and curling up in the sunshine together.  Both of them acting for all the world like the queens they are. My Beau just plays for a bit then heads up to stretch out under a ceiling fan and relax. Hubs and I both noted that the pups seem to sleep better when Piper is here and they don't chill all day. I end up laughing when Hubs returns home and all three of them are excited to see him.  It didn't take our little friend long to discover that he is the ultimate treat dealer. 

Yup, treat dealer...

Today we are still clinging to the wonderful mild temperatures of spring.  Something we had lost for a few years.  The rains, while intense and seemingly extreme, are truly the same ones we used to always have as we celebrated the April showers bringing May flowers.  For the first time in years it feels like the ground is actually saturated, not just damp on the surface as the water rushes to the sewer drains. I am enjoying this spring.  It feels extended and beautiful.  Mild. Welcome. 

I did notice there were a couple of 80° and 90° days lingering on the extended forecast for next week.  I'm not sure I'm really ready for that, but I will welcome it.  My gardens and grass need the sun and heat as much as the rains. 

As I read back over this, my rambling thoughts always overtake me, I realize that no one will ever be able to accuse me of having idle hands, the devil can just pass on by.  Idle isn't my theme, over stimulated and chaotic maybe, but never idle.  I simply don't slow down well.  

my sweet Hubs can make me smile

I guess I'd better stop rambling, I need to get a auction basket ready for the Vets group tomorrow and then... well I guess that is when I will decide what to tackle next.  Any guesses?

percentages...

I'm guessing the universe is trying to slow me down for some reason. Only 5 - 10 % of folks that get bells palsy, ever get it again.  Last Thursday, I was gifted round two.  For Christmas I was given the left side of my face and April showers might have brought May flowers - nope the deer keep eating them, but it also brought me the gift of a paralyzed right side of my face.  Yup feeling that face plant emoji about now.  

Even my doc was a bit surprised, said he'd never encountered someone getting it on both sides within 4 months.  So tons of blood work and tests later and all I conclusively know is that I am a rather rare individual and they have no idea what's caused it. Lovely! Thankfully, I know approximately how long it will last and what to expect.  I guess that is something to be thankful for.  But seriously, a girl needs hot coffee and drinking that with half of your face not cooperating, well, it's definitely risky business. 

So now, I am bouncing in and out of life, not really doing much.  Trying not to sleep my life away due to the two medications they are trying this round and honestly feeling a little fussy. If I talk to much or too loudly, I start sounding like I've been drinking for days.  I can't be anywhere loud because that is just an insane amount of pain, as it causes an incredible sensitivity to different tones. Ugghhhhh.... 

I don't do still well, I don't do rest well.  I am not okay.  Okay, I'm done whining.  And I am actually laughing at myself a lot more than it sounds.  

So remember I was talking about the things in our DNA and how do we remember things we've never personally experienced?  Ironically, while killing 2 hours waiting to be seen by the doctor I was scrolling through my emails, and I got an update on my Ancestry traits.  Usually I ignore them, honestly I have found everything I was interested in finding and don't tend to pay much attention any longer.  But I was bored, so why not.  I almost fell out laughing.  Evidently, according to their studies and information... I have only got a 7% chance of being someone that will do artistic things.  

guess I didn't pay attention

It completely cracked me up.  Because I come from a long line of very creative people and my daughter and grands are very artistic also.  The irony was completely not lost on me.  Especially as I had just finished questioning DNA's role in things. 

I don't put much faith in their traits feature, mainly because almost everyone they have said applies to me does not.  So I guess I like low percentages. It also means it's just another example of how I have little faith in things I read.  I go by experiences and gut instinct mostly.  

So while I am "lounging" gahhhh I hate that word.  I am facilitating puppy playtime.  The pup's new friend has been coming over during the day while her mommy is at work.  She gets to not be lonely and they get to have a greater opportunity to socialize.  Win/win.  At first it was a bit hairy.  Piper is a good bit older than they are and has been an only for about a year or so.  Now... we nap together, play together and spend time outside together.  It's pretty funny to watch.  It's getting so comfortable, that Beau even went for his afternoon nap without the need to know what was going on.  

It's good for all of them and it gives me a chance to slow down and laugh. Watching Piper blend right in with Beau and Belle is fun, and it's crazy how much she looks like part of the same litter.  Heck she's not even from the same state. Guess it's a small world all around. 

As I can almost blink again, it's not so painful to look at a computer screen, so I am able to at least spend time writing, hopefully tomorrow I will be able to tackle more of the stuff that is lingering.  It's not really an over all pain, just the eye and ear, but it is definitely not uncomfortable.  So I have been being a bit of a wimp.  I'm not even 60 yet, these strange maladies need to slow their roll.  I'm getting a bit annoyed with the surprises. 

Guess it's a good time to plan a few camping trips and get signed up for our sites.  Hubs and I are planning to hit a few of the local state parks this year, spend more time outside, breathing fresh air, walking the pups and relaxing.  Last year kind of got hijacked, so we are working on a plot twist for this year. 

For now, I will get back to wandering my house aimlessly, wanting to do something, annoyed to be inconvenienced and trying to respect the lesson that is being taught. Or maybe just to figure out what it is. 

love and peace, b

is it in the DNA?

The rain stopped somewhere in the middle of the night, all that remains is the lingering dampness and the deep dreary cloud cover. The kind that says "maybe I'll downpour, maybe I won't... I'll get back to you on it." It's going to be a slow kind of day today.  The kind of day that beckons you to curl up with a good book or maybe take a nap. A reminder to slow down, to spend time taking care of yourself. Too bad I'm not a fan of napping and I spend far too many lost hours in books and reading. Today for me is a day to sew.

I'd forgotten that I'd promised to remake Hubs' housecoat that I'd made him, I used the wrong pattern at Christmas and it was a bit on the small side.  He wants one that is longer and bigger around, so it is more like a giant blanket than a robe. I have everything I need, I simply forgot to do it.  When a project lingers longer than a week or two, I definitely need a reminder to do it.  By the time he comes home, he will have a comfy, oversized robe to snuggle up in.  Something to protect him from the chill that comes with this much rain and the lingering dampness.

dang that looks long from this angle

I'd started to cut it out yesterday, so I only had a few bits to finish this morning. I'd stopped for several reasons, mostly it was the knowledge that if I put an extension leaf in the table it would be much easier to handle. And I wasn't in the right mindset to tackle that yesterday. At all!

As I was gathering everything up to cut it out, I discovered that my pattern was tattered and needed repair, and while gently pressing and creating the missing pieces I was struggling to understand why I was so reluctant to sew. I love sewing, but my mojo has been missing for over a month now.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. The last time that I had sat down to sew, not helped the Dragon or a quick repair, was the day Beau had his breakthrough seizure. I'm pretty sure on some deep level, I was afraid of a repeat. I can get kind of hung up on things like that.

This morning, as I was gently using my hands to smooth and press the soft layers of flannel together, I found myself lost in thought. Where did this knowledge come from? Heck, where did any of the knowledge of things I seem to simply "know" how to do come from?

Is it passed down from some deep pool of familial DNA? They claim to have proven that every woman born carries the cells of their maternal ancestry. Do those cells also carry the knowledge from generation to generation? I promise you that I did not learn to sewing in Home Economics class. Oh, don't get me wrong, I was shown the basics, but I was not the type of student that had the patience to listen for long. That is still how I function. Let me dig in, don't sit and talk at me. I assure you I will have tuned out in the first 5 minutes. My brain has already started sorting the project out without you.

As I slid the pins in, it seemed like something I have always known. Now, in all fairness I have been sewing - my first love, since I was in school... so we can safely say at least 45 to 50 years (cripes that is terrifying!), but lessons are not something I ever took. I don't have the ability to focus that long.

I don't tend to make clothing any longer, although I am very capable. There was a time I made most of my clothing and my kiddos. But somewhere along the line the cost of the patterns, then the fabrics, sky rocketed. It was no longer the least expensive way to have nice clothing. I have made wedding gowns, bridesmaid dresses, heck I even got coaxed into making a flamenco ball gown once. True fact - I despise working with boning and taffeta fabric. One of my favorite work "suits" from decades ago was made out of a beautiful navy wool. I wore it forever.

Again, as the prices soared and my spare time decreased, I fell into the habit of buying today's disposable clothing. Although, I am that person that keeps things for years and years. I have sweaters older than my children. I will mend and alter something until it barely resembles it's original self.

So lets go back to my original question, where does that almost innate knowledge come from? Are we all born remembering bits and pieces from the past? Do we each receive our own special mix of past knowledge that we are then given free will to do with as we please? Is that why I am drawn to creating? I use so many mediums, and I am never content to stay in one lane. Even now I am fighting an overwhelming (and I believe soon to be lost) battle to build a frame to make rugs out of scraps. Every time I turn around there is another pull to do this.

It doesn't mean I am giving up any of my other passions, just adding to the mix.

Do I have a pool of genes that are causing me to be driven to be self-sufficient? Is that why I do the things I do? Would it be quicker and easier to pick things up at the store. Yup. Of course it would. But where is the satisfaction in that? I don't want to be all the same. I don't want to trust others that my food is safe. I don't want to lose the skills that seem to always be right there when I need them.

I remember the sweet woman that taught me at the farmers market to use a drop spindle. I remember hearing her tell me that I must have been born with the skill as I was a natural. I was surprised at how easily it came to me. I'd always been drawn to it, but had never even attempted it. And there she was, offering to show everyone interested how to use it, how to create with it, right in my path as I was browsing for fresh vegetables. I left with a new spindle and roving, forgetting the veggies altogether.

I have friends and family that are incredible hunters, fishermen/women, their gardens are incredible, they have awesome skills with mechanical things, builders, medicinal, some are naturals with animals, amazing with numbers and math, etc... are those skills that they inherited along the way?

When I was in school I could not have cared less about being there. It wasn't my thing. I wasn't even very social, my "group" of friends was small and most I have long since lost touch with. My mind was a million miles away, except in history or art based classes (those always held my attention) at least until a teacher spent far too much time explaining rules and far too little time doing. If I started doodling, it was a great indication that I had tuned out. I was also that kid that never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. Lord almighty more than a few teachers and counselors would make me crazy asking that question.

Me. That is what I wanted to be. Simply me. The person that now, at almost 60, I have become. The person that is free to follow the dozens of ideas that pop into my head on a daily basis. The woman that sees something beautiful and wants to dive in and experiment with the process. The person that has tons of knowledge without understanding the root of it, simply dying to try it all, immediately.

I don't know if I will ever know where the knowledge, ideas and drive comes from, but I am so thankful to possess it. To have been gifted with these treasures.

Thanks for walking in my crazy, random thoughts and questions. I may never be a master at anything I do, but I am so thankful for the journey and opportunity to explore them all. Aren't you glad you aren't my sweet Hubs? The man that feeds my insatiable quest to learn, do and create? He deserves a medal!

my co-conspirator in all I do!

Time to sew, he also needs a nice cozy, custom made robe....

love and peace, b

perspective...

The entire world feels hazy, wet and green this morning.  I stood out on the front porch with the pups drinking my coffee, the rain was so steady that the road looked a bit like a river rushing towards the storm drain. Out back it's hard to take a picture because the green is almost overwhelming and beautiful.  The wind rustling the leaves is beautiful and refreshing.  Although the bouncing temperature is enough to make me crazy... today it is cold, sweatshirt weather, working on the lawn two days ago it was in the high 80's and I was hating life.  Yet, I love this time of year!

I usually do not react to the pollen from all of the oak trees surrounding us.  This year, my eyes and throat are in a permanent state of scratchy. I'm beyond thankful for the rain washing it all away.  It looks like the rain is going to fall for a couple of days, I am hoping it washes all of it away!

The silence that comes with the rain is so peaceful.  The stillness of the world is a blessing.  I know I've mentioned that I am finding so much peace in a slower life.  Ironically the slower and more peaceful life gets the more I find myself being forgetful and less connected to things.  

My poor Hubs had to listen to me frantically trying to find the dog collar I had just swapped out this morning.  I had walked a straight line from the sitting room to the kitchen with Beau's collar.  I had Belle's new one in my hand, but simply couldn't figure out where I put Beau's.  I was starting to think I'd finally lost my mind.  We are talking about 20 steps, retracing, looking, checking to see if I had actually walked the 10 additional steps to the laundry room and didn't realize it.  It was no where to be found. I was seriously starting to question myself at that point.  I was distracted by what Hubs was saying, not paying attention I guess, but had placed the old collar over my shoulder so that I had both hand free to work on Belle's sizing of her new collar.  After about 5 minutes of walking back and forth, questioning my ability to evidently be left at home and in charge of anything, I reached up to pull my hair back and found the collar. I guess I just found another way of getting additional steps in for the day. 

These kind of things happen a lot in my world these days.  I thought it was simply I'm getting older, but then I talk to folks significantly younger and they are experiencing the same thing.  It's highly annoying.  I question why it's happening, and then I realize I don't really care.  It's not like I forgot something important, who knows maybe my brain is at capacity for worthless, stupid information and refuses to store anymore until I clean up the mess.  Similar to the storage in my sewing room?

A friend commented that the world is heavy right now, in response to yesterday's post.  I was pondering that assessment while standing and watching the rain.  I couldn't help but feel it was perfect.  The world does feel heavy.  I find myself refusing to engage in anything that is heavy, divisive or ugly.  I'm finding I don't want to interact with things as silly as quilting groups, gardening groups, etc online because of the divisiveness. I can still love the people, the skills, the art, but my spirit wants nothing to do with the attempt at ugly. I won't support it in any manner. I find I can't. 

Maybe my assumption about devolving is inaccurate, maybe we are truly evolving.  Maybe when all of this heavy ugliness falls away we will truly be a cohesive family of people.  We will finally be able to celebrate our differences and revel in them.  I long for the days of having a conversation and not having to worry about the ugly waiting to creep in.  I long to spend hours talking with people that are coming together from different view points and just talking.  Striving to understand and learn.  In most cases it's only a matter of perspective. I'm tired of all the my way or the highway conversations.  

My picture 

Hubs picture, same moment in time, 
different perspective

We have friends that are from Pakistan, we've all been busy and had not spoken in a bit, we miss having them as neighbors. Thankfully by chance it happened that they were talking about missing us and we were talking about missing them and by happenstance we ran into the husband at Walmart of all places.  As we stood there speaking and catching up, hearing about his recent trip home to visit his family, about his parents whom we have met and adore, all of it was so welcome and wonderful.  In my head I could hear his sweet wife always saying "in our culture we do this or that".  It is never a demand for submission to their culture and way of life, so much as an education of how things are for them.  I cherish those kinds of moments.  Far too often nowadays people do not come or receive from that perspective.  I miss it. 

I grew up all over the world, dancing in and out of different cultures, learning, absorbing, experiencing.  I'm not sure what it would be like to go to some of those places today.  I have been blessed to observe and participate in so many cultural specific events, services, observances I was never once asked to forsake who I was to be part of those things. I was simply welcomed.  

I think, in today's world, we struggle to simply accept that we are all unique and different and wonderful.  I wish this rain could wash away some of that.  I don't want us all to become the same, I want us all to retain and respect what makes us unique.  

close up of a pot of chamomile
very hard to see in the large picture

As you can probably tell, my brain is struggling to break free from a lot of what the world feels like.  I want to live my simpler life, I want to step back.  I rarely turn on television, media, or anything of the sort.  I spend time learning and doing.  Chasing creative outlets of any kind.  Drawing people near me that want to play in those playgrounds. 

I don't want the other stuff near me. 

Yesterday my new friend (my pups new friend's momma) and I were talking about the jar of cowboy candy I'd given her.  I was giggling as she said she'd almost text me the night before with a "you bi%ch" text, as her mouth was on fire.  I had warned her it had fire, but that sweetness definitely hides it well. As we talked she mentioned that her daughter wants to learn to make jellies and the like.  I didn't hesitate for a second as I offered to teach her. She will be on break from college soon, we will find time to make it happen.

Let me share the old ways, let me create a village of like minded people.  Note I didn't say the same.  I want to be surrounded by a village, one were everyone brings perspective, skills and hope.  I probably belong in a commune somewhere, are those still a thing?  I know my village is more based in a homesteading, old-fashioned ways and values, thinking outside of the box, artistic, self-sufficient and probably a bit untrusting of anything governmental based.  But that doesn't mean I don't want to learn from everyone.

Yeah, my brain is in over drive, probably why I couldn't find that collar - who has room in their head for such trivial thoughts when sorting out all this other garbage. 

love and peace, b

but why?

Good morning!! I am in the process of rerouting my day.  So let's celebrate the good things!  There is so much negativity and pain going around.  It's starting to wear people down and it's really making me sad.  As I came downstairs this morning ready to start the day after a uneasy night I could hear Hubs in the basement.  He was definitely not in a happy place.  I stopped to see if there was any assistance I could offer, but as it was a purely technological issue, I quickly gave him a kiss, grabbed my coffee and headed back up to spend the morning with the pups.  

Over the course of a few hours and few people Hubs' mood has definitely gotten darker, even though he kept trying to right the ship.  I'm hoping when he gets home he will be his usual easy going self.  I understand his frustrations.  I truly do.  I'm a bit shocked at the folks causing them, not the usual suspects so to speak.  Which is what leads me to rerouting my day. 

What in the world is wrong with folks?  The grousing and the world owes me attitude is exhausting.  Some of the things I hear come out of people's mouths or worse in writing, blows my ever loving mind!!  I can imagine my parents bringing me up short if I had ever thought I was that important and irreplaceable. 

Newsflash... we are all replaceable.  In every aspect of our lives, with the exception of family, and even those dynamics are something that can be walked away from. Families break apart all the time for a multitude of reasons.  Do they still share blood, oh yeah, do they share a life, not always. 

Friendships, relationships, careers, schools, groups, committees, businesses, etc... the list is absolutely endless. We all can be replaced.  Which is why I am not understanding the way people are behaving lately. Or maybe they have always been this way and I had deep red, rose colored glasses on. 

maybe we should try tug o war?

If I get annoyed with how a business treats me, I go somewhere else.  If you are my friend and you start treating me in a way that is ugly and demeaning, well, our friendship is done. Same goes for any type of relationship.

When I am out in public and I listen to how people interact with fellow team members I am shocked.  I can tell you I have never told a boss or supervisor when I would work, who I would work with or what I would do.  Heck, I didn't even know those kinds of things could happen.  But they definitely do with alarming regularity. 

In my humble opinion, none of us is guaranteed anything in this world.  We need to be able to work together, to treat others with the same respect we ourselves want, and we definitely need to be able to communicate.  We need to have empathy for the struggles that others are dealing with, but at the same time be willing to either walk away (if the relationship isn't worth saving) or call someone out (if it is) when those struggles become the entire world they are living in. We all do it, some of just have those amazing people in our lives.  The ones that help us navigate what appears to be impossible.

I keep watching as more and more people become lost in this crazy, ugly space.  Demanding.  It's exactly like the years that I was a teacher in the 2 year old room.  I loved that age, they were busy discovering who they were and would become. I also hated that age, with an absolute passion.  When challenged they became rigid, unmovable, unwilling to try to understand another alternative might work better for them.  And they simply didn't have the words.  And when the words aren't there, the emotions and rage inside at being unable to verbalize their needs became downright torturous external behavior.  We've all heard about the terrible twos and even if you haven't experienced you can understand.  

I am fairly certain that all of us forever retain that rebellious 2 year old deep inside.  I think most of us manage to acknowledge that we have moments when we are unreasonable, we feel unable to verbalize our wants and needs in an appropriate manner, and we feel a little like the storm outside us is too big and it's affecting the inside us. Most of us still retain the ability to recognize that and to handle it like adults. We step away, we reflect, we get hold of our emotions before we speak. 

What I am watching from my quiet place is a world that is rapidly devolving into an out of control 2 year old playroom. Where half the kids got the toy everyone wanted and the adults stepped out to watch through one way glass.  There is yelling, pushing, shoving.  The experiment is escalating out of control, the inner 2 year old is winning. Name calling, tantrums, hair pulling, screaming, tears (lots of tears) and a whole lot of "mine, mine, mine".  And don't forget the ever present "NO!". 

When pushed into these scenarios with the inability to communicate appropriately, the wheels come off the bus. Are things like social media or media in general, causing this decline in the ability to acknowledge a situation without throwing yourself on the ground and having a tantrum?  I have no idea, but I long for a simpler time, a gentler time. 

Life is never going to be "fair".  There will always be have's, have not's and I don't cares.  There will always be those that life just flows for, there will always be strain and stress.  None of us will ever agree with another 100% on anything.  Even if it is a blood family member or the love of your life, your soul mate.  There will still be things that make you scratch your head, step back and go "huh?".  And it's okay. As Hubs always quotes "wouldn't it be a drag if we were all the same".

But throwing verbal tantrums, demeaning others, being disrespectful or rude.  Sorry, I firmly believe there is no place in this world for that kind of nonsense.   And when full grown men and women act like they are toddlers.  That is just exhausting.  When businesses refuse to hear and deal with customers in a helpful manner, even more exhausting. 

Dealing with that kind of negativity isn't helping anyone.  My parents taught me you get more flies with honey.  Now I do believe flies are very attracted to poop too, so that might not be a sound analogy, but the fact remains, if you want me to be on by your side, to be an ally and a supporter, then you'd better be bringing the honey.  It doesn't matter if we think the same, feel the same, have the same hopes, dreams or goals.  I will be beside you, as long as you are kind and willing to meet somewhere close to the middle.  Start threatening, demanding or acting like you are a 2 year old without the skills required to communicate and we are going to be done. 

Standing on the sidelines, observing all of this, it really makes me sad.  I feel for the fact that my sweet Hubs who would do anything for anyone (literally - he doesn't set the strong boundaries that I do) has anyone acting like that... well mind blown. People seriously need to revisit using internal filters before speaking, texting, emailing, etc.  "Is it true, is it necessary, is it kind", I believe that is the filter that Buddhist practitioners use. Maybe it would benefit us all?

I absorbed as much of his energy as I could this morning, hoping by being a safe space he would have a better day.  I knew it wasn't directed at me.  I knew he was feeling the effects of outside forces. I get it.  I wish I could put a blanket of protection around him, I wish a few other things, but I can't so I won't... 

As he left to deal with a world that is rapidly devolving, I decided it was time to refocus.  To change the trajectory of the moment.  I know rain is coming this afternoon, evidently lots of it.  My body is a bit weary from pushing so much the past few weeks, I do have a health issue that causes those kinds of pains to linger unfortunately.  But I still had outside chores to tackle, so... I did.  

Before the rain I got the obedient plants in the ground along the fence line, I am hopeful that the fact that they like to spread out will mean they will head down the steep hill to provide erosion control. And I planted the tall asters along the front of the lower deck.  I adore my neighbor on that side, but I am not fond of the lack of a physical barrier and the exposure while enjoying the time out back.  I am a person that likes privacy. When I invite you in, I cherish that time, the rest of the time, I might be a spoiled two year old that put myself in timeout. 

The lady I bought the plants from assured me that the Asters will grow to about 5 or 6 feet tall and they will also spread.  I am toying with adding more zinnia seeds in between while waiting for that to become the reality.  A little beauty mixed with a little privacy.  Seems like a win/win to me. 

how did it get under there?

Digging in the soil, marveling at the thick earthworms that are moving back into yard, breaking the large clumps of flowers so that they can expand and grow... all of these things slows the pace.  Calms the spirit, connects us to things that matter., grounds us. 

Hubs will be home in a few hours for lunch, hopefully he is able to calm the stressors that were causing his morning to go off the tracks.  For me, I am planning a calm rest of the day.  A chance for my weary, painful muscles to rest.  I will tackle the softer things on my list.  Let things ease up.  

Bring on the rain... I'm ready... 

love and peace, b

ordinary...

After a cold and dreary Sunday it was wonderful to wake up to clear skies.  Everywhere you turn there is vibrant color and that beautiful sense of rebirth.  I always say autumn is my favorite, but then spring arrives and I seriously question myself.  I cherish the awakening.  Don't get me wrong, I love winter, it just seems to go on a bit too long. Summer... well, summer is what it is.  I love it for the growth in my gardens, for the opportunities to spend time on the river with my grands and pups.  It's just so muggy and hot here in the Midwest. If it mother nature could just tone it down a bit... oh well... life is what it is and you have to take the good with the bad. 

We were blessed to have time individually with both of our grands and our girl this weekend.  It was so much fun.  That little one has impeccable timing and called for us to hang out just as we were heading to MADE to pick up her ceramics. Quick detour and we had the little in tow and a different plan for the afternoon.  Because when you are bringing her along, you simply cannot just pick something up.  You definitely need time to play and explore.  Which is exactly what we did.  We of course had to stop for her ice cream flight at her favorite spot. If you are local to St. Louis, we highly recommend the ice cream flight at The Fountain on Delmar, they have lots of grown up options also.

how to contain a dragon

pondering her pot

ceramic bowls by the dragon

One of the crafting opportunities was to make macrame hanging baskets, and one cannot make hanging baskets and forget to put flowers in them.  So a quick stop at Home Depot on the drive home and we were ready for her to plant. And of course we had to make a special one for mom, that would last longer. 

the treasure for Mom

My gifts from my girl

Grampa's gift

When we drove her home our girl took a break, she is in the process of changing her house, she is a complete whirlwind when that happens, so the hour with her was also priceless. 

We'd wanted to take our little dragon to the earth day celebration, but it was insanely packed and none of us had the emotional desire to put ourselves in that position.  Hubs and I headed out to go alone on Sunday morning, but heavy rain started just as it was about to start. 

We quickly switched our plans and ran other errands and such. I had gone to a local garden club pop up and decided to buy some perennials.  Lots of perennials.  Today will be a day of planting, or at least starting to. After surveying the grass that is coming up we determined we needed more seed.  We have a few areas where there is a combination of birds and washout, we are determined to have a pretty lawn where that tree used to live. I'll be heading out in a moment to do more patching to the green. 

The oldest grand sent me a text message to ask for a ride home from work.  It was awesome to pick her up with one of her favorite beverages in hand and sit in the car chatting for far too long!  It feels like forever since we've just talked.  I felt blessed in ways there are no words for. We talked about everything imaginable and then realized we'd killed the time between her getting off of work and heading back for a staff meeting.  Not a problem, we talked some more while we drove back to her work.  Hubs was napping and I rarely get time with just my girl.  I cannot tell you how much I have missed that. She and I used to spend many hours together, traveling and doing, just the two of us.  Then she grew up, darn it, they always do. 

Our boy sent us pictures out of the blue, I miss him something terrible, but he has his own life to live.  They look healthy and happy, a mom simply cannot ask for more. I might have memorize the pictures by now I've stared at them so long. 

Beau trying to guilt dad into more treats

Not sure why we won't move up his med time
he has decided it is "snack time" and he was ready

All in all... this weekend didn't go at all as we'd planned.  But we caught up with kiddos, ran into friends, did some errands, relaxed and enjoyed life.  I am not sure it can be much more perfect than that. 

Today is the day for catch up.  I am looking for the birthday gift request from the oldest.  It has to be perfect ya know (I love what she's asked for too!).  Doing my chores, gardening, cooking, finishing orders, basically I'm living my everyday, ordinary, amazing life!  

I hope this last Monday in April, brings you the start of the perfect week.  One that might have a few opportunities to switch it up and move forward.  I am starting to treasure those instances. 

love and peace, b

There was actually a blue bird visiting