Sunday, July 31, 2016

making plans...

Sitting on the deck, enjoying coffee in the early morning hours with Hubs...  Seems a perfect way to ease into a Sunday morning.  Listening to the chirps and songs of so many different birds.  It's so relaxing. 

We are enjoying our little mini-staycation.  It's a unique mix of to-do's that have been put off, long walks to keep us focused and motorcycle rides.  It was supposed to include a raft trip down one of the lazy rivers, although supposedly it is going to rain.  

I keep looking at the forecast, it's teasing us, I know.  Currently it is 68 and not a single cloud in the sky.  By this afternoon it was supposed to be storming.  Now... not a drop is forecast.  Sadly... There are other plans already made.  Although a leisurely motorcycle ride will happen!


Maybe an extra walk in a park somewhere. A short easy hike.  I completely love being in nature, so something like that very well might happen.

Hubs and I signed up for the Y Diabetes Prevention Program (YDPP).  Neither of us are fans of any kind of medications and we are brutally aware that we are aging, maybe none to gracefully.  I will admit when he suggested it, I was... well lets go with less than thrilled.  I do not like to join groups.  And I did not feel like dealing with anything else. Although in the back of my mind, I knew he was right.  Family history of diabetes, too many unhealthy meals due to failures to plan, high stress levels at the time, and no time to work out.  Yep, we were both a walking billboard for developing type 2 diabetes.  Changes needed to happen.  

Besides he owes me another 30 years.  13 is not enough!

Three weeks later... it's becoming a routine and a welcome challenge.  We walked a full hour yesterday, several miles, it felt fantastic! The muscles were a bit offended by the extra challenge, mentally I was stoked. We are getting ready to go walk again today.  Once the heat breaks, we will start riding our bikes again, it's been years since we have seriously ridden.  I am looking forward to it, although I need to get my knee stronger before tackling that again. 

Last night while Hubs napped in his recliner I was focused on creating a menu for the next month.  I am hoping that having a prepared menu with everything planned out and prepped in advance will help this become a lifestyle instead of a task.  They say it takes 30 days to create a habit.  

The goal is to really focus on creating those habits in August.  Menu is almost made, grocery list is complete. Walks are semi-planned and I am seriously thinking of adding in some water aerobics or a bit of strength training. Not sure if I am ready for that, we'll see.  Definitely walking.

He and I both need to improve our health, stamina and energy to be able to soar through what this next year will bring. 

Well... the coffee has been drank, Hubs has finished both his cigar and episode of Fraiser, the boys have had their walk.  Now it is time for ours... we are off to the park.

Enjoy this blessed day...

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Forward...

Sitting out on the deck with hubs, enjoying this cool morning air, simply not in a hurry to do much of anything.

It's been a crazy busy week.  The past 8 days have been insane.  So much has happened, so many changes, so many emotions.  Just so much.

Over the course of the next six to eight months so much of my life will be completed changed.  I am happy, sad, scared, excited, challenged, energized and full of hope.  All of these emotions and more are running through my heart and mind right now.

The faith that I have is pretty much what will get me through.

I still haven't processed a lot of it, there hasn't been time.  That flood we had back in 2014 is leading to even greater changes.  My wonderful old building full of people that I love and have built strong relationships with will all too soon shutter her doors.  She's put up a good fight, but after 90 years and countless abuses it's time to let her rest.  Looking forward... there is a bright, shiny, future at a new location. It's both near and far, different and the same.

I feel blessed that I have been asked to lead the transition.  I get the amazing opportunity to help the community of people that I adore to make the change.  I get the chance to help guide them forward.  Members and staff both new and old.

I guess I should feel anxious or stressed.  Ironically, I feel none of these things.  I feel energized and optimistic.

Will the future look and feel vastly different, of course it will.

That doesn't make it wrong or bad.  I get the incredible opportunity to continue to be a bridge between those that are seeking, those that are continuing, those with and those without.  How powerful is that?  There are challenges ahead, but they are the kind that give you hope and faith in people.  There are people that need time to deal with all of it, to grieve and to make decisions.  There are others that have embraced the changes and are wholeheartedly planning and moving forward.  And there are others that are somewhere in the middle.  Needing time to process an access.

In the end there is the hope, in the end there is a joy that will lead us into our next 90 years.

Amidst all of the professional changes there are many personal ones too.  This past week has been a series of very long days.  Ironically, they were almost energizing.  I am not worn, tired and weary.  I am not feeling that bone weary exhaustion that has been so prevalent in the past few months.  I have been able to get so much accomplished, both professionally and personally.

I'm sitting here, at the start of 5 days off, it was going to be 10, but well life happened.  Normally, I would feel cheated and down that I would not have the full time off.  I willingly canceled the rest of that time.  I had not issues with it.  Honestly, I am thinking as I try to enjoy my down time, I will be thinking, planning and plotting.  I feel it is going to be a break to allow me to clear my head and focus on the forward motion that is so important.

Hubs and I were planning on a float trip - doesn't look like mother nature is in on our plan.  As today is supposed to be the nicest day that we have.  Lots of rain forecast for the days we are off.  Hopefully we will still be able to get our morning walks in, and then who knows...

In a few minutes we will head out for a nice long walk.  Funny three weeks ago when asked if I felt I could manage to walk just 30 minutes 3 times a day, I was ready to laugh and leave the room.  Now, I get up earlier (even though I am working on a sleep deficit) and get my work out clothes on.  The heat has been horrid, but the feeling has been incredible.  I am feeling stronger, I've regretted the walks that Hubs got to take while I headed to work to cover for my early guy.  I'm excited about all the changes.

There are menus to plan, groceries to buy.  A motorcycle ride to take. A life to bring back into focus.  A new beginning.

Now if I can help the Hubs find that in his world...

I'm feeling that high that a military brat gets.  That fresh canvas, new start kind of high.

Friday, July 22, 2016

finding faith...

The winds brought through a short, intense storm this morning.  It was a bit unexpected. Welcome just the same.  It's been brutally hot. Today through Sunday are supposed to be worse.  So the cool breeze and big, wet, soaking drops that fell were very welcome.

It's been an intense few weeks.  So many things changing and happening, that it almost feels overwhelming. Oppressive even.  I don't hate change.  In fact I flow quite nicely with it.  I may not change my house once I have it the way I like it, it's my comfort zone.  My sanctuary against overwhelming change and disruption. Probably as a result of being a military child and spouse for so very long. I need one constant.

I guess part of my struggle right now, is that the change is all around me, I am a witness and whatever is going on will impact me.  But I am not a participant.  I am simply an observer.  I guess it is like the feeling you get when you allow yourself to float on waves.  You are pushed up, down, sideways, but you can do nothing but go with it.

I am trying to do that.

I don't know if I am being successful or not.  All of the changes that I am watching will have an impact on me in some shape, size or color.  All of them will change the world outside of my four walls in some manner. Some of them have the potential to alter my world in a beautiful positive light.  Some have the possibility of darkness.  I am usually a very optimistic and upbeat person.  Some of these things have my praying for guidance and strength.

And these are things in my immediate circle.  They don't even include all of the changes, growing pains, and growing hatreds that seem to be bubbling up in our country and world.  Hubs is fond of saying "it may not be end of days, but you can see it from here."  I am sure it has a bit to do with his catholic upbringing. I don't see so much doom and gloom.

As I sneak up on my next birthday, I am finding myself more and more contemplative. Fifty was a milestone, a marker.  It's been a year to evaluate, to grow and to plan.  As 51 looms in the near distance and all of these changes swirl around me, I am wondering if it will be a year of growth.  A year of change.

Hubs and I joined the YDPP (Y Diabetes Prevention Program).  I guess our own mortality is causing us to be a bit proactive.  Or he convinced me it was.  I am not a joiner.  But... I am now part of a group focused on improving health.  It seems important, if I can just get past the "joining" part of it I am sure it will be wonderful for us both!  And who knows, I might even make some new friends.

I am also toying once again with a desire to learn to ride a motorcycle.  I have a feeling I will take the classes this year.  It feels right. I don't know, I might talk myself out of it again.  I love riding with Hubs, being free to observe and take pictures, to get lost in my own thoughts, to live in each moment.

I wonder if this desire that keeps getting stronger has more to do with wanting and needing to gain some control.  To be in charge of something.  Maybe that is why I am not overly upset Hubs wanted me to join him in YDPP.  Maybe I need some control.

Right now... I have so little.  Right now... I am drifting and rolling with the tide. It is a bit unnerving to have so many things that impact you going on and not having so much as an ounce of control.

Long ago, when I was a little girl, I had a necklace from my Grammie.  It was a mustard seed in a tiny tear drop magnifying glass drop.  I still have it. It was to remind me that with faith as small as a mustard seed, anything and everything is possible. As I've grown I have tried to always let that be my mantra.  To always have faith.  Sometimes it has been very hard, sometimes it has been easy.  Mostly, it is simply a reminder that all things happen as they should and that it always happens in God's time.

Today, I will say an extra prayer for God's will to be done.  He knows what is best. Today I will find that faith again.  Today decisions are being made that affect me, soon enough they will be revealed.

Today is here.  Gods will be done.

Saturday, July 9, 2016

When will it stop?

surviving regardless...
Almost eight hours of riding. Already 173 miles under our bums. Even though I worked this morning for a few hours, we still managed to find time to run off and leave the circus behind.  It's been a trying time this week.  Horrible actually.

My dear friends have had so much taken from them. Not only was Independence Day a day of trauma and madness, two men murdered, one staggering in pleading with anyone to not let him die.  Armed men deliberately targeting those people in the cars.  Using guns designed for complete destruction, not protection or hunting.

That wasn't enough though.

I had fallen asleep before the Dallas shootings, I was worn out, tired.  I simply needed rest.

It hardly seems like it was only yesterday morning that I was jarred awake by my phone.  Bolting to wide awake as I recognized my dear "b's" face on the screen.  She never calls me too late or too early - ever. Unless it's important.  Life or Death important.

It was.

Before I'd even heard the news from Dallas, the news that was captivated so much of this country, I heard her voice.  Sad, scared and defeated.  She never sounds that way.  Even Monday, when it appeared as bad as it could get, she was looking for a bright side.  Thankful that none of her friends and family had been in the way of those 60 + bullets.

But at 4 am, as she softly told me the store was gone, I could hear something new in her voice.

Yep, the store is gone.  Something that community needed.  A gathering place, a place where the family took turns working to insure the community could have the items they needed.  A place where kids brought their good report cards for a treat and where the owners might have been known to help out someone in need.  A place to buy their lottery tickets or a coffee.  To talk and gather.  It was a start.

And in the wee hours of the morning, someone blew it up.  It's gone.  The people that lived upstairs got out okay.  Why?  What was the freaking point?  I sat there on the side of my bed with tears in my eyes.

Helpless.  Some of the best people I have ever known had been targeted by a couple of thugs.

I couldn't go to her.  I desperately wanted to.  But a white girl shows up there in the middle of the night, well, probably not a good choice.  This city has a history that it cannot seem to let go of.

So instead, I sat there. I bowed my head and thanked God that no one was hurt.  And I prayed for protection, for safety and for peace.

I am still angry about it.  I am worried for people I love, I am worried for that community.  I am worried for my country.

As I was sitting there stunned, trying to make sense of something that one cannot wrap their mind around, my radio started to play.  My alarm set to NPR- only because they don't have tons of loud noises in the morning, rapidly made my stress level higher.

Brushing my teeth I hear the news of the massacre in Dallas. What in the world?  Has everyone gone crazy.

Struggling to deal with too much already, I get a news alert from basically my back yard.  Less than a ten minute drive from my house, on a road I travel multiple times a week.  An officer had been shot.  He's fighting for his life.

He didn't do anything.

He pulled a young black man over for speeding.  As he walked back to his car the 31 year old creep (sorry can't call him a man) got out of his car and rapidly walked up on him shooting him three times.  Once after he was already on the ground.  As the coward takes off running, the neighbors rush to the officer's aid. They believe he was ambushed.

For crying out loud!  What is happening?  I treat my dogs with greater love and compassion than people are treating each other these days.

As Hubs and I took off on our ride we rode up New Ballwin Road, past that very spot.  You could not tell that anything had happened, just an ordinary day.  No one was protesting, nothing was burning, there were no hate filled signs marking the streets.   There was nothing.

It feel odd.

Hubs and I danced in and out of space and time today.  At one point we were following the path of the James Brothers.  Wandering through their hideout in Stanton, Missouri.  We were going to do the tour, but time was too short today, we hadn't realized it would be reopened.  Corporate greed having poisoned it earlier this year.

A bit later we were riding blissfully along the old Hwy 66.  Further from the city you pass so many old diners and motels that have long since seen their heyday.  Time and nature are slowly reclaiming them. Hwy 44 stole their life blood.

Almost as suddenly we make a sharp left and are following the trail of Lewis and Clark.  The path to Labadie is winding, cool and refreshing.  It is breathtakingly beautiful.  It will need more exploring.  Maybe tomorrow??

After an hour wandering a very tiny town.  We headed home.  To avoid the traffic, we once again find us on New Ballwin Road. Only this time... it's different.

I almost missed the first one, I guess I was a bit distracted.  Every tree now has a blue ribbon tied around it, some street signs too.  Some houses have BIG blue ribbons and American flags.  Most fences have signs stating proudly that "we love our police".  My eyes welled up with tears.  I was so proud of the good kind people in that neighborhood.  As we neared the turn that would merge New Ballwin into Big Bend (the street we live off of) we finally spot the decorators.  A young mother and her little girl are carefully adorning the entire street with blue ribbons.

There is goodness left.  Maybe we need to stop rewarding the bad, start making people be responsible for their actions, no matter their color, gender, nationality... any of it.  Maybe instead of protesting we start looking for good, for positive, for the blessings.

We are a strong people.  We are a good, kind and loving people.

We are American's... maybe we could start acting like it....

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

when thoughts wander...

Hubs is on vacation this week.  I took a few days earlier this summer and went to the coast to spend time with the boy and his girl.  Hubs is just hanging out... mourning that the weather is less than promising.  He'd planned to get some serious miles in on the Harley.

Me? I'm taking a few me minutes.  Ironically, it is rather peaceful at work right now and I am catching up on a few million things that I feel like I am behind on.  But for a few quiet, still moments this morning, I'm resting. This crazy weather is wrecking havoc on my poor body.  One day it's 65 the next 95... ahhh summer in the mid-west.

Its deceptive outside.  I didn't look at the thermometer, why disappoint myself.  Inside its a nice 68, that is the temperature my body likes the most. If I am chilled I can always pop on a sweater, but at least I won't hurt. It's clear outside, I wasn't prepared for the oppressive, damp heat that greeted the boys and I as we left for our early morning walk.

We didn't go as far as planned, Gator struggles too much in the heat now.  Normally, I might worry.  But Hubs is home. Providing there are no storms, he will be able to take him out a couple times.  Let him take care of business without getting over heated.

His slowing down is hurting my heart.  He's 15.  He has cancer.  All I can do is love him and fill his bucket list.  You know chicken treats, cuddles, real burger and meat, and yummy frozen custards.  I will be happy if he is still with me a year from now, but each day he's a bit slower, I find myself already bracing for that time. A few extra pictures, a few more minutes sitting with him when he wants to be held, and giving him as much room on the bed as he wants.  Time enough to stretch out later.

Ironically, the big guy is just as elderly for his breed mix.  He will be 10 in November. Although his puppy ways make him seem so much younger. This morning I tried to sneak out the door with him, but he does not know how to be quiet.  If he'd have stopped talking he would have gotten a super long solo walk.  He simply can't help himself.  He is the most talkative dog I have ever had.  He definitely has something to say about everything.  He isn't really barking, it's sort of a series of sounds, howls, yips and I don't know... he really does sound like he's trying to converse, in a very loud little boy voice.  Funny that I always think of him in those terms.  A little boy.  When Hubs was trying to coax me into rescuing him, that is how he first described him.

"Honey, there is the handsome dark haired, dark eyed 3 year old boy, he desperately needs a home.  A mom and dad to love him"... I remember telling him I didn't know if it was a human or a dog, but we didn't need either.  We weren't up to it.

As I step painfully on bits of toys and boy debris every day, I am still wondering if it is a human or dog that rescued us so long ago.  He's awkward, goofy, loving, messy, toy loving, and a total foodie... yep he's a little of both and he is definitely one of our boys.


I don't really feel like facing the world.  I'm enjoying my peaceful little spot with my boys.  Outside these walls, it's the usual summer chaos. And I am sure we say it every year, but I am fairly certain this year is a bit worse.  The violence in the city is getting worse.  A lot worse. I can't even say it is gun violence.  It's just ugly people violence. People are being shot and beaten.  Theft is on the rise.

When I arrive and leave work I drive down streets littered with bodies, they are alive.  Yet the harm they are doing to themselves with drugs and alcohol is unbelievable.  Some times they are lying in the same spot for hours.  Alive, but not.

There is a serious disease spreading in this city, heck this country. I'm not sure what its called, but it is definitely on the rise.  Apathy, disrespect, immoral, destructive and those are just a few of the symptoms. Personal responsibility seems to have flown out the window. Throw money at it, that will make it better. Look away as they are rotting from the inside. Ignorance is bliss isn't it?

One of my dearest friends, heck a part of my family, my heart, is part of the north city community.  I shared her stress and worried this weekend when there was a shooting that left two dead and one possibly dying right outside the store her son operates.  Bullets flying, broad daylight, a holiday weekend.  People shouldn't have to have those worries and fears simply buying soda and a lottery ticket on the holiday.

I was talking to Hubs about it yesterday.  Saying how fearful it made me, how stressed.  Somewhere in the babble, I realized that we are watching "The Godfather" being played out live on our streets.  It wasn't a random punk bored and hot that was shooting at those 3 men.  I've seen the surveillance pictures. White gloves, semi-automatics, 10 shots into the head of an already dead man?  Seriously?  We have gangs in several areas, the girls are getting as out of control as the guys.  It's insane.

Makes me wonder when Momma or Gramma is going to snap.  Slap some kids upside their heads and say "I raised you better than that".  I'm afraid we've gone past that, I'm afraid that we have a generation that raised themselves.  I'm terrified that all these youngsters that all got participation prizes and never feared a spanking by anyone in authority have never learned too many life skills.

I'm afraid.

It would be so easy to stay here locked in my county castle.  Enjoy my day puttering and playing with my boys and Hubs.

But I won't.

I will drive into the city, I will wonder how all those people that make the inane comments on Facebook can say what they say, without ever experiencing it first hand.  I will spend hours with people that are one step away from being that next body lying on the street, hoping we can find something to keep them engaged and inside.  Maybe another cup of coffee or game of pool.  Maybe a conversation about their art. Maybe we get to win another day, maybe the friendly voice they hear will keep them from finding a doorway and doing too much of the newest craze on the street.  Maybe when I get to ask them about their day, their eyes will be clear and they will know we are speaking.

Or that hotheaded young man will decide to blow off his steam and anger shooting hoops. Or that veteran that is fighting his or her own demons inside their head will remember that there are many people that are thankful for them and want to celebrate them.

I fear that the joy I find in my boys is something too many hurting people can't find in anything. That love, compassion, empathy, caring, hope, joy and human kindness are going extinct...

Well, my coffee is cold, my boys are snoozing and I hear Hub's radio.

It's time to shower and head off to work.  Keep the faith!  And find some reason to be filled with mindless, heart-filled love today, share that love with at least one other person... Make a difference.  If all else fails find a pup and share in their love and joy!


Monday, July 4, 2016

finding balance...

Though the open garage door yesterday I spent hours lost in one of my favorite hobbies.  Upcycling furniture.  We have had two dressers that have been hanging out, taking up space.  Not being used, very out dated and basically a waste.  So as the rain fell at times a light drizzle at others... Noah would have accepted the challenge... we worked.

Hubs is a music man.  Silence doesn't enter his world. He seems to hate it, I seem to thrive in it.  We are always looking for that delicate balance.  This morning I was out there by myself, doing a touch up on the red dresser, it suffered an accidental scratch yesterday.  It was silent.  The fan was whirring, swishing the air in circles around my head.  The brush making slight scratching sounds, chalk paint is course, stiff.  Periodically I heard the scuffling sound of the brake stool sliding on the concrete.  That is an amazing little stool that has saved my poor knee more than once. 

I find peace creating.  It doesn't matter what I am working on, I always let the piece I am working on speak to me.  I always start with a vague plan in mind, a color or style that I feel strongly about.  Rarely do I ever visualize a project finished when I start.  Occasionally, I will find a quilt, sweater, blanket, socks, mittens, etc where the pattern is what draws my attention, holds me, demands that I make it the way it is written.  But that is very rare.  Either I don't like the color or the style isn't quite to my liking.  


As I was sitting there with paint brush in hand, pondering what needed to happen, each piece so very different, I could almost hear them.  Each one demands a different outcome. The red one is going to end up distressed and aged.  It's a style I have come to love.  The piece is more traditional. It started life many decades ago a finely made Broyhill dresser. It will have a casual elegance.  I have several pieces like it in my home already.  They are rich looking, gracefully aged.  I find much joy in the pieces I already have. This piece is not for me.  Although it is in my personal favorite.  I have no use for it.  When it is finished we will sell it. 




The aqua one, with it's clean lines, it demanded something far different.  We don't know the maker, it's past or where it originated.  Years ago when the girls were young we needed a dresser, money was tight and we found it in a second hand shop.  One knob was broken, but the girls didn't stay with us often and would never need all those drawers.  It was short enough to fit a need, a bit wide, but we figured it would work. And it did.  Until we moved two years ago, it had sat neglected in an unused bedroom, holding remnants of unwanted Christmas gifts and things not worthy of use. 

I never fully appreciated this beauty until yesterday.  I am fairly positive that is handmade.  The only makers markings I can find are hand numbered drawers indicating their places.  The lines are clean, it is well made. It doesn't have cheap staples holding it together, it is truly a work of art.  The drawers have an off center design.  Neither Hubs or I ever realized that until we started swapping out those nondescript pull knobs. Before we'd even decided firmly on a color, although I had 3 different blues picked out of my supplies, we went in search of knobs.  As the old ones had such a unique spacing we figured that was our first challenge. It's another reason I feel this was completely handmade.  The old plugs were simple wooden bits with wood screws at two inches, odd. 

The aqua one is coming along beautifully, if I had room for it, I am fairly positive I could not part with it.  It's a beauty already and it isn't even waxed yet.  The hand pulls we found are perfect.  It will be simple, clean, slightly distressed and classic.  I am so excited to see the outcome. 


I'm sitting in my comfy chair, looking out at the rain, and instead of feeling bummed that I am not outside having a barbecue or riding with Hubs to celebrate Independence Day, I am thankful for the rain.  My yard and garden desperately needed it, and I needed to be able to create.  In between waiting for coats to dry I have been working on a baby afghan, cleaning my house, admiring my garden (It looks like I might actually get a few melons and zucchinis! I have napped, loved on my boys, caught up on chores and regained a bit of balance in my over loaded life. 

Hubs and I are on a mission to downsize our home.  Reduce our financial obligations in life, and prepare for a not too distance future. We have a plan, we have dreams.  For a change we are focusing on how to obtain them.  

Well, I am sure my freshly washed pieces are ready for wax to be applied, and the red set is probably ready for sanding... Celebrate the freedoms given to us, even if your idea of celebrating is staying at home with the love of your life doing honey-do's.  No one ever said it was about bbq and fireworks!

Sunday, July 3, 2016

metamorphosis...

A tiny little inch worm starts spinning it's cocoon, it will go through a season of change, wrapped tightly in that pristine shell. When it emerges, after what undoubtedly feels like an eternity, the difference defies thought.  Not only is it beautiful and graceful, it bears no resemblance to it's former simple self.

Those changes occur even when the little inch worm is unaware that is his destiny.  He is just moving along, happily munching his life away basking in the sun.  I doubt it ever occurs to him in the forward motion of his life, that there are huge changes coming.

There will be isolation, loneliness, pain, struggles and finally freedom.

I feel like that happens to people too, too many times. I wonder if we are ready or if we are caught off guard.  In flux.  Frozen in time.  Are we aware of the many dangers that approach us as we are in that state? Are we aware of the flying sticks, inquisitive young and old or other animals that could easily end everything while we are in that fragile, exposed, metamorphic state?

Do we comprehend the pressures that are causing us to grow and change?  And when we finally realize what is occurring... do we fight it? Try to run and hide?  Or do we allow ourselves to transform?

These thoughts are occurring to me a lot lately.  I've come to realize that Hubs and I might be facing one of those metamorphic moments in our lives lately.  How do we face it? Have we allowed ourselves to go down a rabbit hole?  How do we plan to move forward?

I know I haven't been writing much lately.  Honestly, I've been spending a lot of time wrapped in my head and avoiding a lot of forms of communication. Thinking, pondering, planning, discovering things about myself. Remembering paths that maybe I have avoided.  I've spent quite a bit of time being forced by events to examine the past.  To look at those hidden memories, to look at bits and pieces of memories and events and trying to decide if the lessons learned in them provide a path forward through the future.

I am spending time examining a life lived thus far.

On this deary wet long weekend, I am examining, planning, thinking and reviewing the outcome of all of it.

June wasn't a great month.  It was brutally hard. Mentally and physically.  Stress and heat are my enemies.  I had more than enough of both to beat me up a bit.  Luckily, I've had hubs in my corner.  To whisk me away on the back of the Harley.  To make me forget and relax in the warm breezes.  To make me baths and bloody mary's.

I've cried enough in the past month to last a lifetime.  I try really hard to always be supportive, kind, and caring.  I will sacrifice my own sanity and happiness for anyone else. I will give up sleep, I will spend hours engulfed in tasks that do nothing at all for my health, wealth or sanity, if it will help another.

I'm sitting here in my favorite chair listening to a storm rolling in.  Feeling it's freshness and power gently washing my spirit clean. I have choices to make.  I hate making choices.  I feel like I forever lead with my heart and then when my head catches up... it sits there and just looks at me like... you are a special kind of stupid aren't you?

I am only now realizing how dangerous some of the choices I have let my heart lead me into truly are.

I guess I am still safely locked in my cocoon.  Fairly positive that I am starting to form big beautiful wings that won't fit in here for long.  Knowing that before long I will be presented with wings far to large to be contained.

Wondering if I will be wise enough to understand and know how to fly when that times comes...