Saturday, October 25, 2014

Somewhere along the walk...

As I started walking the boys this morning, the stars were still high in the sky, I was surrounded by what felt like millions of little pin points from heaven.  The deep velvet of an autumn sky, so much depth and beauty, pretty much the only time to view stars in my opinion.  It was so dark.

The old guy loves this time of the year, he could walk for days.  So I try to make his morning walk as long as my legs and time can handle.  I usually take him first, leaving the big guy to stew, but age has it's privileges. As I was walking I was thinking, I tend to get a bit lost in thought out there.  I ponder, I problem solve and I day dream.  I actually compose a lot of blogs that I then end up out of time to write.

So many things crossed my mind on the first walk.  I have been walking them a lot by myself, the hubsters has managed to hurt his back and now possibly his hip muscles and isn't really up to many walks.  So while the Gator boy and I were walking it first crossed my mind that I do believe I am jealous.

It's so quiet that early, no one else is awake. There are only random cars rushing past in the background and I am so jealous.  I feel that I don't sleep, I saw all those dark houses, those people still dreaming and seemingly carefree.  I was definitely feeling pretty jealous.  I hadn't slept well last night, too much on my mind.  So many unresolved issues kept interrupting my peaceful dreams.

The further we walked, the more those thoughts clarified in my mind.  I didn't know, maybe those folks had gone to bed just before I climbed out of bed.  Maybe they had been up with a sick child, problems at home or work, struggles of their own.  I was after all only operating on an assumption.

Coaxing the old guy to turn around and come home is never an easy task on these mild mornings.  He never seems to have any sympathy or empathy for his brother, waiting not so patiently at home.

The stars were fewer by the time we started to walk back.  My thoughts still rambling left and right, my head and heart full.

A quick treat for the old guy, a quicker treat for the big guy (he got his pre-walk) and we were off again.  Walking the big guy isn't quite a relaxing.  He's still young enough his energy level is high, and he's just German enough that he is a stubborn guy. Today he was actually a joy, no pulling or jerking.  He didn't get to enjoy the stars, but what a pre-sunrise he and I found.

The first part of our walk always leads us east, west takes me to a major road long before they are ready to return home.  And having lost two babies to cars, I am one paranoid mama.

By the time Neeko and I are at the ridge, looking over a portion of Valley Park, in the distance... just past the next ridge, is morning.

It's not ready to wake up, they sky is turning that soft water washed color of early dawn.  The colors just starting to stealthily make their presence known.  It's the tinge of red, maybe a hint of gold, and just the smallest touch of a lighter blue against the still velvet sky, far in the distance... it's coming.

As Neeky and I walked I thought some more.  More of our neighbors were stirring, random lights had come on, seems mostly in the kitchens.  Maybe my neighbors are like me and cannot function without coffee.

I am realizing I am not jealous, maybe a twinge envious, I truly feel like I would love to sleep the careless sleep of the young.  Then I realize that I am really okay with where I am.  Is my life perfect... heck no.  It's a work in progress.  Lately it has felt like all of that work has been spent running in circles.  I know it hasn't. Slowly things are coming into focus.

Sitting out on my deck watching the rest of the sunrise, it still isn't in a hurry to get here.  I feel content.  My to do list is miles long, both at home and at work.  I still feel overwhelmed and stressed.

I feel alive.

It's my duty weekend, things are different now, and it simply means I am on call.  My last duty weekend, I didn't work.  I was trying to help my daughter and grand daughter deal with the sudden loss of our son-in-law.  It seems so long ago, but its not even two months.

Surrounded by the beauty, beautiful colors and what promises to be a great day.  I feel blessed.  I feel peaceful finally.  The week has been brutal and I needed to find center... I am pretty sure walking the boys this morning in the beauty of this awakening autumn morning has helped.

I am not jealous, nor am I truly envious.  I am blessed.  I have never believed that God will not give you more than you can handle, nor will he fail to provide you with what you need to be able to take on what is given. You just have to be open to receiving it....

Sunday, October 12, 2014

too many changes...

Hot coffee, a few stolen minutes... Peace...

I haven't had much time to write lately.  Oh I've composed so many blogs in my head while walking the dogs or driving to work and if by magic I could put them onto paper, I would.  Sadly, I can't.

The seasons have been busy changing, it seems like everything is changing.  2014 has really been a pivotal year.  One that I am sure I will not forget any time soon, the flood at work started it all and it's been a whirlwind of change.  Some good, some bad, some unbelievable in its greatness and some that is horrid to the depths of hell.

Here it is the middle of October and we are just finishing our move.  It's taken far too long and we've allowed it to drag out.  I am tired of boxes and unfinished business.  I am ready to be back to knitting, quilting, soap making and all the other things that fill my soul with positive energy and light.  I want to not feel guilty when I spend a whole weekend painting furniture and creating.

At work we are just now putting out world back together, by the end of October we should have our building back in one piece. Just in time for another winter, the idiots upstairs still own the property, it makes one nervous to know it could all happen again, unlikely, but so was the first one.

I love being closer to my girls, it makes my heart so happy.  I wish the irony of it was lost on it.  I wish that it didn't seem like fate had arranged the entire thing.

It's been over a month since my sweet grand baby lost her daddy.  She puts on a happy smile, but it's so much like her mama's when she is hurting.  A radiant smile that doesn't reach her eyes.  It's when she is allowed quiet moments or it hits her that her Daddy is gone that she melts.

Hubby has managed to injure his back with all the moving going on between work and home.  And being a typical male (yes it is typical - sorry guys) he only semi went to the doctors and only semi followed their directions until he could almost not move.  So he has a long slow healing process ahead of him.

I think the best word to describe this year would have to be tumultuous.  It's tossed and turned.  Been super high and super low.  I function best in a neutral world, a place that isn't so fluctuating.

Add to the internal stress all of the external stress and it's almost unbearable.  The news can't be turned on, a paper picked up or even social media for that matter without something horrible and unfathomable.  We've allowed Ebola to come to our shores, one of the health care workers that cared for the man is now infected. Enterovirus D68 is here, also, paralyzing and killing our children.  Both were brought in from outside.  So much like what happened to the Native American's so long ago.  We have ISIS and are doing nothing really to combat it, we've sent our troops that are qualified to battle ISIS to Liberia instead to battle a virus?  I really can't wrap my brain around that at all.

We've had cities go bankrupt, and racial tensions hit levels that they have not been in decades.  It feels planned and orchestrated.  Is this the fundamental change to America that we were promised in 2008 and 2012?  I am not a fear monger, I do not believe that at this point those viruses have reached a pandemic or panic state.  As much as I feel they were both deliberately introduced to our country.  Do I worry about my grand baby getting sick?  Of course I do... what kind of gramma would I be otherwise?  Am I concerned that my son is going to get on a plane to come home for the holidays... yeah, I really am. What kind of parent wouldn't be?

With all the unrest and hate here in St. Louis, that seems to have captured the country's attention.  Well it's enough to make one crazy.  Just for the record... it is sad that two young men were shot and killed by police officers.  It happens every day around this country, and it isn't about skin color.  And eventually the truth in both cases will come out.  I'm fairly sure that neither of the young men were up for a peace prize nor do I understand all of the details.  I also live in this area and know that there are many, many more truly innocent kids killed each month in those same neighborhoods. The difference in the level of outrage is strictly linked to the pigmentation of the skin. And what outside forces are picking at the sadness and wounds.

The outside world is trying to make Ferguson our Gaza that couldn't be further from the truth.  Pull the microscope back a bit, look around.  The same thing is happening all over the country.  Why focus on one area?  What is there to gain?

I am tired of it.  I am tired of stress and sadness.  It feels planned, it feels orchestrated and it feels like whoever is creating the chaos that is swirling around us has only begun.  I need to search out the good, the power and the light.  I need to pray more and do more good, maybe if I can manage to do that, I can be a small light that encourages others.  We can start our own movement of good.

There is light and positive out there, it's just that no one is talking about it.  Baby Shane brings joy to my heart.  Out of sadness there was a joy and encouragement shared with anyone willing to listen.  Despite all my friends that have had losses of family members and dear friends this year (us included) there has been joy in the new babies that have been born.

I guess it's all perspective.  I have always been a glass half full kind of gal, I think I need to remember that and stop letting the world drain my glass.

I am going to enjoy the kitty purring in my lap and the hot coffee for a few minutes longer as the sun struggles to peek through the clouds into this Autumn sky... and focus on the good changes.